sxbmb3388 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Hi guys, So my boyfriend has Aspergers, and although very high functioning, he has explained to me that he is having a meltdown. Now I don't really understand these, and I don't want to bug him with all my questions- I just want to give him time and space to be perfectly honest- I've told him if he wants to talk about it (which I'm guessing he doesn't) then he can always call or text me (he gets anxious over the phone sometimes). He has been this way the past 2 days, as far as I am aware, and I'm hoping it won't last too much longer. I would really like to know how long these can last for, and the best way I can show him support through, and after this, as I'm slightly concerned- this is a new relationship and would be really grateful if anyone with ASD themselves or with a partner with ASD can give me some advice! Thankyou so much 1
stillyoung Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 2 days?? Usually an aspie meltdown refers to a kind of freak out if something doesn't go the way they expect. If they get used to a certain routine then it gets messed up, like sometimes if they eat the same thing all the time then run out, then the store is out of that item, then they get all agitated and upset, way more than a typical person. Or if they come home and all their books are rearranged. Weird stuff like that might cause a meltdown. Like a tantrum, but even with a child a tantrum is usually never more than like an hour at the most. Lasting 2 days seems like it might be something else. There are bulletin boards for partners of aspie people, if you can find one it can give you an idea of what a relationship with an aspie is like.
cxu Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 2 days?? Usually an aspie meltdown refers to a kind of freak out if something doesn't go the way they expect. If they get used to a certain routine then it gets messed up, like sometimes if they eat the same thing all the time then run out, then the store is out of that item, then they get all agitated and upset, way more than a typical person. Or if they come home and all their books are rearranged. Weird stuff like that might cause a meltdown. Like a tantrum, but even with a child a tantrum is usually never more than like an hour at the most. Lasting 2 days seems like it might be something else. There are bulletin boards for partners of aspie people, if you can find one it can give you an idea of what a relationship with an aspie is like. why don't you explain rather than assuming all are alike 2
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Hi guys, So my boyfriend has Aspergers, and although very high functioning, he has explained to me that he is having a meltdown. Now I don't really understand these, and I don't want to bug him with all my questions- I just want to give him time and space to be perfectly honest- I've told him if he wants to talk about it (which I'm guessing he doesn't) then he can always call or text me (he gets anxious over the phone sometimes). He has been this way the past 2 days, as far as I am aware, and I'm hoping it won't last too much longer. I would really like to know how long these can last for, and the best way I can show him support through, and after this, as I'm slightly concerned- this is a new relationship and would be really grateful if anyone with ASD themselves or with a partner with ASD can give me some advice! Thankyou so much Start googling and reading up on ASD. Maybe join a website that offers a message board about ASD just so you can understand more. Just reaffirm you care and aren't going anywhere. That you aren't judging him and it's okay, the relationship is okay and what he's going through won't change what you feel for him. Ask if there's anything you can do to make him feel less anxious and make him feel more at ease. But if he asks for space, don't take it the wrong way, he probably doesn't feel comfortable around anybody when he's having an episode.
basil67 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 A dear friend of mine is aspie. She says that during a meltdown she just needs to be left alone. But she does tend to talk about it afterwards. Of course, this is a sample of one. Unlike the example given by another poster, she's not set off by a change of plans or rearranging of books - she's usually set off by prolonged frustration. Of course, this is a sample of one. Hang in there. But don't wait forever if it's not the kind of relationship you want.
stillyoung Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 ...This is a very narrow view of what it's like to have an Aspergers meltdown. Maybe if you're 10. .... It's been a long long time since I have had a "meltdown," but I do have what I call aspie "shutdowns." ....For me, a "shutdown" means I stay home from obligations, ignore my email and phone (I might check it, but not answer), and / or do something I really enjoy doing to get my mind clear. -C It actually sounds like you're using "meltdown" the same way I was. When people use that word, whether for an adult or child, aspie or not, it implies a reaction to something more in the present and people sometimes use the word tantrum. A "shutdown" definitely sounds like a better word for what she is experiencing. The way of interacting with the partner would definitely be based on whether their state of mind was -I just can't deal with this event right now so get me out of here- or just a general withdrawl to regroup and get away from things. 1
Author sxbmb3388 Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 thank you guys so much haven't checked back in ages! He's also just been diagnosed with bipolar and he's having a bad episode right now, and i haven't had a proper conversation with him in a few days. I've learned that this is just a by product of our relationship, and he is taking quetiapine at the moment for his bipolar, and he's not having the best time with it. I guess this is new for me, but i've had guys who will tell me they love me, never leave me, and they're off 2 seconds later, and even though this guy i'm dating right now doesn't tell me how he feels, I feel like he doesn't need to, as his actions mean so much more to me! the other day i was blown away after such a bad day at work, he'd bought me a great bottle of wine to drink with dinner- the little things! Once he has got used to his meds, and is feeling a little better, I might suggest a little holiday, and see if we can have some fun and reconnect! thanks so much! x
Author sxbmb3388 Posted April 17, 2016 Author Posted April 17, 2016 We have such varied and rich inner-worlds that you'd really have to ask your partner what sets off a "meltdown," and you should do this after they feel better. Just put things on hold, don't worry about your aspie partner, and maybe check in once a day with a quick, "Hey, hope you're feeling better. Miss you. Let me know if you need me, I'm here. I'll check back in with you tomorrow." Or something quick and supportive along those lines. It's been a long long time since I have had a "meltdown," but I do have what I call aspie "shutdowns." This usually happens when multiple things in life are stressing me out, I've had multiple bad interactions with people, work is hard, or when I feel like I've been spending too much time with one person or one group. If you throw in the combination of these anxieties plus over-stimulation (going to too many parties, group activities, being in loud places all week, dealing with loud children for several days)... those are recipes for shutdowns for *me.* Others can deal with these just fine, and others only need one of these things to enter that stage. For me, a "shutdown" means I stay home from obligations, ignore my email and phone (I might check it, but not answer), and / or do something I really enjoy doing to get my mind clear. It might be shopping, it might be a warm shower and movies all day, it might be lying in bed, etc. If someone tries to engage with me, I WANT to but I can't. My body and brain has been over stimulated and I don't have the energy. That's why we stay away from people. We don't want to lash out, get fired, be rude, etc. We just don't have energy to remind ourselves of the social "niceties" that we have to constantly remind ourselves of - it's exhausting being an aspie! But we are so capable of love - don't feel discouraged, and don't worry - this is a normal thing! -C i would love a mental health section, would be so helpful! He suffers with bipolar, and anxiety and also has high functioning aspergers. I have asked him, what i can do, he advised he has no idea, but i think its best i just send a check in text once a day. he usually responds- and yes, shutdown is the word i would definitely use to describe this! It is confusing sometimes, and I saw this shutdown coming, he's been having a really rough time on his new bipolar meds quetiapine, his dog is really sick, and he's currently buying a new house! I suffer with mental health issues myself (eating disorders- recovered now- he isn't aware of this though) and understand the stigma attached to it, and that he has nothing to be ashamed of. there just never seems to be a right moment to bring it up. he is trying, and that means so much more than someone who doesn't want to help themselves! thankyou so much for this. I found this so helpful. xxx
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