Starting to Feel the Clock is Ticking

[thecrucible]

Oh, lets not get started on Facebook and people with their insufferable love lives... We get it: you're in a relationship.

 

For me lately it's been either a tease (a girl who is absolutely beautiful messing with my head) or a nice woman I'm just not that into. Trying to find that right balance.

 

Me too, truth_seeker. I'm trying to find a balance between attraction and shared interests. I've had to turn down guys I thought were good and appealed to me but they just weren't 'it'. Nothing wrong with them and I found them attractive but I didn't sense we had enough in common personality (although I don't want to be with a guy who is a copy of me, that would be boring).

 

The biggest life lesson for me recently (and I feel I'm getting more grown up now) is that there is never going to be a perfect time for anything, including finding a relationship. So I need to be less hesitant about everything in life and take a chance from time to time. One of my friends is in a relationship with a man in the Navy so they are long-distance and she doesn't see him all the time but they make it work. I have been in a long-term relationship previously which didn't work out so I'd be hesitant but recently I just want to stop talking myself out of doing things.

[thecrucible]

I used dating sites on and off for a couple years after my last relationship ended, and it was such a pain in the ass and waste of time I felt. I knew the next person I would fall in love with wouldn't be from Tinder or Match. I wanted to meet someone organically.

 

That's how I feel. I totally despair with online dating. It taught me one thing - how to handle myself and be more street wise. I can take rejection a lot better now but it's not that bothers me. It's the fact that I log in and most men are just wasting my time even though I express my intent clearly on my profile. I've never dated a man from online dating for any time longer than 4 dates and I previously had a pattern of always being a long-term woman.

 

I had a lot of bad disappointments from online dating and offline dating that I actually said to myself, "I give up. I'm not looking anymore. I don't care. Instead of FIGHTING being single, I'm going to EMBRACE it." I started turning inward and enjoying my self as a single person. If I went out, and I talked to men, I found it EASIER because I wasn't putting any pressure on it, I was simply talking to them as if they were ANYONE. There was no longer a hidden agenda of hoping to secure someone because there is no denying my clock is also ticking. But I gave up looking, in spite of that.

 

That was me too, for a while. I'm back to the slightly discontented single person again. Hoping it passes and I get back to happy single lady again.

 

Don't let people tell you to be grateful you're single. It's ok to own the fact that you want those things. I do too. I had a friend tell me once to stop feeling down, go out and enjoy being single, don't let this one guy bring you down, go out and date a bunch of people, have sex with whomever I wanted, etc. I was like, "I don't WANT that." Don't listen to people who tell you this. Listen to what your heart wants and start acting that way. There's really no way around it.

 

The "having sex with whomever I want" novelty wears off pretty quickly in my experience. Eventually you just feel empty because having a laid back approach will no longer cut it anymore when you are after something more serious. I have actually been really afraid that I was losing the ability to connect to a man emotionally because of putting my emotions to one side. So I decided a couple of years ago, I would only want to have sex again if it's in a relationship that might be going somewhere serious. I miss romance and am not tempted towards any kind of fling now.

 

Let things go, let the pressure go, get off Tinder, start turning inwards and making yourself the best version of yourself. Find out what makes YOU happy and do that. For me, it was joining a running group and signing up for a yoga membership, because it makes me feel good mentally and physically. Give up searching. It's too much effort with very little, if no reward.

 

I want to delete my dating profiles but I haven't yet bitten the bullet yet. But I do want to force myself to get out and meet more potential dates in person so maybe this is the way to do it?

 

I believe that if you WANT those things, as I do, you must ACT and LIVE as though you will have it. Ask for it. I told him early on EXACTLY what I am looking for, in general terms. I was crystal clear.. I want to get married and have kids. That is my goal in dating someone at this point. I don't want to be alone anymore, and at this point in dating, I am only interested in continuing on with someone if we are on the same page about those things. I think it's really important that you ONLY involve yourself with people who are on the same page with you about goals and intentions. We don't have time to waste like we used to.

 

I totally agree. I am 26 and I want to have kids at some point and I am confident enough in my old age (LOL) so I don't feel bad about saying what I want or that there is anything wrong with the path I want to take in life so I think I would much rather just be up front and the guy can leave if he wishes than to be living on a hope. One advantage of being single for a while is that I know what a relationship-committed man will hopefully sound like. The guys who weren't relationship-oriented would avoid any topic of conversation about the future, even next month. The few guys I dated who were interested in finding their long-term match mentioned it within the first few dates that they would like to find a gf but in the long-term they want to settle down, get married and have kids. They weren't desperate guys either (I didn't get that vibe), they were just being up front and genuine.

[truth_seeker]

It doesn't matter what clock is or isn't ticking, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, or how good or how bad you are anymore. Don't listen to the pressures or the feelings of desperation that you are experiencing. I'm 41, I've never been married or had children, and chances are slim to none that I ever will. And I have just said "Who cares?" All my former serious bfs met and married the next piece of trash woman they met barely a year after treating me badly and are now divorced from those women. How do they feel? I don't know. I say they could have had something better than that but they chose otherwise. THey say women have clocks, well men do as well. And they choose trash instead of good women.

 

Keep calm and carry on. Move forward.

 

You want to be real? Lets be real: all of us are going to dead at some point. None of us know when our time is up but all I know is that I want to share the time I got left on this Earth with a great woman.

 

I do believe in fate. I do believe our history's have been written and it's up to us to just play it out. I'm just tired of waiting or feeling fearful I'll never meet the one.

[truth_seeker]

 

Just like the cliché says, when you stop looking is when love finds you. You don't find love, it finds you.

 

 

Great post. Thanks for taking the time to write that up.

 

In the last 4 years, privately, I've been hoping to meet someone - hasn't happened. What has happened is I've had women approach me only for it to go absolutely nowhere.

 

I'm talking at the gym... at the bars... even through "friends" or people I thought were my friends... and I know people will say: "well, yea! Look where you're meeting these women. The gym and the bars are not the right places to meet someone." I get that... but I'm not looking for it. its finding me -- that's what so frustrating.

 

Last Summer I started up at a new gym, just to change things up, focus on myself, be left alone. Here I am 6 months later, the whole place gossiping about me and one of the employees, she was vying for my attention, she ends up quitting, and here I am like, wtf just happened? We didn't hook up but again, a woman seeking me out, me trying to avoid it, my heart wanting a connection with someone, and I end up feeling like a fool.

 

Before that, I had a married woman after me... then a couple of women who had boyfriends...

 

I wonder if I should wear a t-shirt that says: "Only Talk to Me if You're SINGLE and STABLE!"

 

[throwing my hands in the air]

[truth_seeker]

Me too, truth_seeker. I'm trying to find a balance between attraction and shared interests. I've had to turn down guys I thought were good and appealed to me but they just weren't 'it'. Nothing wrong with them and I found them attractive but I didn't sense we had enough in common personality (although I don't want to be with a guy who is a copy of me, that would be boring).

 

The biggest life lesson for me recently (and I feel I'm getting more grown up now) is that there is never going to be a perfect time for anything, including finding a relationship. So I need to be less hesitant about everything in life and take a chance from time to time. One of my friends is in a relationship with a man in the Navy so they are long-distance and she doesn't see him all the time but they make it work. I have been in a long-term relationship previously which didn't work out so I'd be hesitant but recently I just want to stop talking myself out of doing things.

 

I really wish some of these nice women I'm meeting I would fall for as some of these women are good people with good jobs and seem to possess a decent level of common sense. Problem is no attraction or desire to be intimate with them... more in the sense of passionate. I could have sex with them but it would be meaningless and if I want that, I can find a girl on Tinder no problem.

 

Some of these beautiful women I meet who come onto me are such trouble! It's like the Devil in disguise! Everything I could ever want in woman as far as looks go but as far as brains, heart and trust, don't see it and that just kills me...

[AMJ]

I really wish some of these nice women I'm meeting I would fall for as some of these women are good people with good jobs and seem to possess a decent level of common sense. Problem is no attraction or desire to be intimate with them... more in the sense of passionate. I could have sex with them but it would be meaningless and if I want that, I can find a girl on Tinder no problem.

 

Some of these beautiful women I meet who come onto me are such trouble! It's like the Devil in disguise! Everything I could ever want in woman as far as looks go but as far as brains, heart and trust, don't see it and that just kills me...

 

Why is there no attraction for the nice women who are good people and have common sense? That's what you need to figure out. If it happens once, no big deal. But when there's a pattern that you are only intensely attracted to super hot young and crazy women....then you need to figure out why.

[venusishername]

Great post. Thanks for taking the time to write that up.

 

In the last 4 years, privately, I've been hoping to meet someone - hasn't happened. What has happened is I've had women approach me only for it to go absolutely nowhere.

 

I'm talking at the gym... at the bars... even through "friends" or people I thought were my friends... and I know people will say: "well, yea! Look where you're meeting these women. The gym and the bars are not the right places to meet someone." I get that... but I'm not looking for it. its finding me -- that's what so frustrating.

 

Last Summer I started up at a new gym, just to change things up, focus on myself, be left alone. Here I am 6 months later, the whole place gossiping about me and one of the employees, she was vying for my attention, she ends up quitting, and here I am like, wtf just happened? We didn't hook up but again, a woman seeking me out, me trying to avoid it, my heart wanting a connection with someone, and I end up feeling like a fool.

 

Before that, I had a married woman after me... then a couple of women who had boyfriends...

 

I wonder if I should wear a t-shirt that says: "Only Talk to Me if You're SINGLE and STABLE!"

 

[throwing my hands in the air]

 

You can't play the victim, though. I can't imagine the ONLY women you talk to are not single or unstable. Don't you ever approach women? You probably should, if the ones choosing to approach you aren't the ones you are interested in. I have a good friend who used to complain that he only got the 'crazies', and I told him maybe it's because you just sit back and don't approach the ones that YOU are interested in. You can't just take what falls in your lap. (I can be very direct with friends, I'm a real loyal person and don't sugar coat anything.) !

 

 

I also disagree with your friends that meeting women at gyms or bars is a bad idea. People usually say that to make you feel better about being single, take it from my experience. You really don't know where love can happen. For me, it happened in a way that was most unexpected. I personally see absolutely no reason why you can't meet someone great at a gym, or a bar, or school, work, post office, coffee shop, elevator, etc.

 

I dated for several years with no actual substantial relationship ever come of it. Most of the dates I went on online were only once. The men I met in person lasted a month or so, max. I continued to 'look' online (I like to compare online dating to online shopping ) and it was such a damn waste of time. So many things I would rather have been doing than swiping through strangers' profiles and exchanging meaningless texts with someone I never even met. Ugh. I 'gave up' so to speak, and I went on vacation. I left for vacation a week after I went on my last online date, whom I never heard from again. I was so dejected and disappointed, again. I was just excited to go to a new place I'd never been before and have a good time.

 

 

While out on my vacation, a guy approached me at the bar, I was enjoying the music. We chatted for a little bit, but I said I had to go find my friend on the dance floor. I noticed he was still around and he had his eye on me. Soon, we were both on the dance floor and I turned around and saw him next to me, he held out his hand for me to accept the dance. And that was it. That was all it took. It happened organically. Sparks were flying when we danced, it was all unspoken. He didn't let me out of his sight from that moment on. He bought me a drink, we talked, danced some more, then we went for a walk on the river and we kissed. He got me back to my hotel safely, asked for my number, called me the next day, picked me up for a date which lasted all day, and has never stopped contacting me... it's been almost 5 months.

I like to joke that I had to leave my own city to find a boyfriend again. Otherwise, I'd still be here, most likely single.

There have been no games, no drama, no gossip, no wondering, no feelings of rejection. Trust me, I had kind of resigned to ever finding something like that. Now I look back on all the other guys I've ever dated, and I wonder how did I possibly ever want to settle for that?! My guy made it so easy.

 

 

Don't lose faith. If you know what you want, and don't have a victim mentality, accept your situation as a single person, allow things to happen naturally.. and maybe go outside of your comfort zone...I have no doubt it can happen for you too. It just won't be on your timeframe. You can't plan it. Do something different.

I would often tell myself that if I wanted to have something I never had, I'd have to do something different than I ever had.

[truth_seeker]

Why is there no attraction for the nice women who are good people and have common sense? That's what you need to figure out. If it happens once, no big deal. But when there's a pattern that you are only intensely attracted to super hot young and crazy women....then you need to figure out why.

 

Well, as a man, I don't think you can fault me for getting all worked up over a hot young girl.

 

It's the crazy attribute that I need to avoid.

 

The pattern I've noticed:

Bartenders

Gym Workers

Gym Members

Retail Workers

Nurses

 

I've either dated or encountered women in these areas or professions and it went wrong. Not saying all people at these places or work these professions are crazy, but I'm showing you the pattern I've dealt with.

 

As far as no attraction for the nice women... just not physically attracted to them. I can't help who I'm attracted to... I don't know what else to say.

[AMJ]

Well, as a man, I don't think you can fault me for getting all worked up over a hot young girl.

 

It's the crazy attribute that I need to avoid.

 

The pattern I've noticed:

Bartenders

Gym Workers

Gym Members

Retail Workers

Nurses

 

I've either dated or encountered women in these areas or professions and it went wrong. Not saying all people at these places or work these professions are crazy, but I'm showing you the pattern I've dealt with.

 

As far as no attraction for the nice women... just not physically attracted to them. I can't help who I'm attracted to... I don't know what else to say.

 

I'm not faulting you for going after hot young women, just saying it's a waste of your time and energy. You are looking for a serious relationship- a marriage and family. And you're not going after marriage-material. It's like, why even bother.

You say you want substance but your actions say otherwise.

 

You're asking for advice, the best thing you can do is figure out why you're not attracted to nice, smart women. Why do you want idiots? I don't know what else to say either.

[katiegrl]

I'm not faulting you for going after hot young women, just saying it's a waste of your time and energy. You are looking for a serious relationship- a marriage and family. And you're not going after marriage-material. It's like, why even bother.

You say you want substance but your actions say otherwise.

 

You're asking for advice, the best thing you can do is figure out why you're not attracted to nice, smart women. Why do you want idiots? I don't know what else to say either.

 

AMJ, I think what TS is saying is that of all the nice women he has encountered thus far in his life, he hasn't found any of them physically attractive enough to pursue.

 

If he met a nice woman who was also hot and relatively young ...perhaps that might change things for him, I don't know.

 

Clearly, hot young women (25-35) who are also NICE *do* exist.

 

I think he may be searching for them in the wrong places though.

[truth_seeker]

I'm not faulting you for going after hot young women, just saying it's a waste of your time and energy. You are looking for a serious relationship- a marriage and family. And you're not going after marriage-material. It's like, why even bother.

You say you want substance but your actions say otherwise.

 

You're asking for advice, the best thing you can do is figure out why you're not attracted to nice, smart women. Why do you want idiots? I don't know what else to say either.

 

I have to correct you on something: these women are coming to me. I'm not going after them. I try to avoid them but because some are so hot it screws with my head and I end up making bad moves because...

 

A) I know it's trouble

B) I wait too long

 

Not being sure and being hesitant can turn just about any woman off...

[truth_seeker]

AMJ, I think what TS is saying is that of all the nice women he has encountered thus far in his life, he hasn't found any of them physically attractive enough to pursue.

 

Yes.

 

If he met a nice woman who was also hot and relatively young ...perhaps that might change things for him.

 

Yes.

 

Clearly, hot young women (25-35) who are also NICE *do* exist.

 

True.

 

I think he may be searching for them in the wrong places though.

 

I'm not searching for women who work at bars or work/belong to a gym. I go to a bar to hang out, relax, maybe meet a patron -- not get the bartenders number. I go to the gym to work out, talk to the guys -- not get one of the employees numbers or a woman member's number. Now if these women are hot and start to flirt with me or put themselves near me continuously, well, it can be hard to ignore them and not engage with them.

 

BTW, what happened KG with your date with John Stamos?

[truth_seeker]

 

Don't lose faith. If you know what you want, and don't have a victim mentality, accept your situation as a single person, allow things to happen naturally.. and maybe go outside of your comfort zone...I have no doubt it can happen for you too. It just won't be on your timeframe. You can't plan it. Do something different.

I would often tell myself that if I wanted to have something I never had, I'd have to do something different than I ever had.

 

Nice story about meeting the guy on vacation. Sometimes it plays out that way. Good for you.

 

I try not to lose faith. I don't feel I'm a victim, but I'm probably coming off as one. It's just amazing to me the craziness that comes my way.

 

Yea, I need to shake things up and start doing different things, putting myself in different areas, surrounding myself with different people.

 

One big problem is lots of my friends from school, still live in the neighborhood and when you live in the same town you grew up in, and are not friends with those people anymore, it's hard. People hold grudges and love to spread lies and rumors.

[AMJ]

Why does it matter that they approach you first? You still end up engaging, and then end up frustrated because it didn't work out, because they're not suitable for you in the first place.

 

If I posted on here saying- I'm so tired of going out with all these jerks who use me for sex and don't want a relationship, but I meet nice guys all the time, I'm just not attracted to them...I'm pretty sure the common response would be- why aren't you attracted to nice guys? Why do you waste time with guys who are interested in sex and not a relationship, if a relationship is what you want?

 

Beautiful women who also have substance and want the same things TS wants DO exist. It sounds like he goes on one date with them, doesn't feel fireworks, and never sees them again. I think he needs to give them a better chance. Two or three dates maybe.

[truth_seeker]

 

Beautiful women who also have substance and want the same things TS wants DO exist. It sounds like he goes on one date with them, doesn't feel fireworks, and never sees them again. I think he needs to give them a better chance. Two or three dates maybe.

 

The way I work, so you can understand me better, is...

 

1) Attraction

2) Personality

3) My Gut Tells Me She Could Be The One

 

If I meet a woman on a first date and she can't break 1) ... then I have no desire to continue.

 

Also, I do not believe in stringing someone along. In January I went on a Tinder date and the woman was cute but I wasn't too much into her looks. We had a fun conversation and I could tell she wasn't about hooking up, she wanted a boyfriend. She texted me after the date wanting to make plans to do bf/gf activities. I could have easily played along, got her in bed, but then what? She would think I'm her boyfriend and I would say, "thanks for a good time but, sorry, just wanted to get laid". Then I become one of those jerk players, which I'm not.

Edited March 7, 2016 by truth_seeker

[AMJ]

Why are you on a date with someone you don't find attractive in the first place?

[truth_seeker]

Why are you on a date with someone you don't find attractive in the first place?

 

They are somewhat attractive, but I'm trying to do what others have suggested: give people a chance and see if a spark develops.

[AMJ]

They are somewhat attractive, but I'm trying to do what others have suggested: give people a chance and see if a spark develops.

 

It might take two dates to get a spark. Just try it next time a quality woman comes along. Two dates won't kill you.

[katiegrl]

BTW, what happened KG with your date with John Stamos?

 

Oh it was awesome.... we spent the afternoon together yesterday too!

 

At the zoo of all places...then a bite to eat (casual) it was super fun and have another date next weekend.

 

We really click, but then again I knew that before the date, because he works in my building (next door to our office) so I knew him prior, plus he walked me home the other night (last week) too (we both live downtown).... and on that walk I developed a huge crush on him (which must have been obvious) cuz he asked me out!! :)

Edited March 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[truth_seeker]

It might take two dates to get a spark. Just try it next time a quality woman comes along. Two dates won't kill you.

 

I know. I'm trying. I just don't want to waste time and lead people on if nothing is there.

[truth_seeker]

Oh it was awesome.... we spent the afternoon together yesterday too!

 

At the zoo of all places...then a bite to eat (casual) it was super fun and have another date next weekend.

 

We really click, but then again I knew that before the date, because he works in my building (next door to our office) so I knew him prior, plus he walked me home the other night (last week) too (we both live downtown).... and on that walk I developed a huge crush on him (which must have been obvious) cuz he asked me out!! :)

 

So, safe to say next date he will invite you over to his "full house"? LOLOLOLOL!!!! :bunny::bunny: :laugh::laugh:

[katiegrl]

So, safe to say next date he will invite you over to his "full house"? LOLOLOLOL!!!! :bunny::bunny: :laugh::laugh:

 

LMFAO! Good one!

[Gaeta]

I know. I'm trying. I just don't want to waste time and lead people on if nothing is there.

 

If I had not given my bf 2-3 dates I would still run after another body builders, another hot boy, another younger toy boy, and I'd still be on that merry-go-round. When I recognized he was a man of integrity I closed my eyes on the little things that bugged me like too thin and hair too long. And in no times I didn't see those little flaws anymore and every day I grew more crazy about him.

[truth_seeker]

If I had not given my bf 2-3 dates I would still run after another body builders, another hot boy, another younger toy boy, and I'd still be on that merry-go-round. When I recognized he was a man of integrity I closed my eyes on the little things that bugged me like too thin and hair too long. And in no times I didn't see those little flaws anymore and every day I grew more crazy about him.

 

You're a better person than me. This is something I have to try or learn how to do.

 

What ever happened to "just knowing" right on the spot?

[AMJ]

You're a better person than me. This is something I have to try or learn how to do.

 

What ever happened to "just knowing" right on the spot?

 

That's a fairy tale I think. People are more complex, and it takes time to get to know someone. When we're older, we all have our guard up.

 

Instant chemistry is wonderful, but how often does it actually last?