Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I think you're not quite ready. You want it badly, but your heart isn't quite in the right place yet. I've been there. I get it. I'm pretty much there now. You're choosing or attracting these unsuitable women for a reason, something about your frame of mind. You're getting older, and it's fundamental human nature to want to carry on your lineage and fortify your energies with a family. It's natural for the dead-end hookups to feel empty to you now, because your heart and drive are yearning for something different - significance and a meaningful legacy. I think Western men are prime for marriage and fathering children from 35-40, but the prime can stretch to about 45. For reproduction, that is the "scary age" for men, where problems associated with sperm quality start to climb fast. So you've got some time. I think the best thing you can do is ruminate a little on what you're really looking for, get clear with yourself and make it happen. Jabron, as for your anti-marriage stance, I agree with many of your views expressed on the forum. But on this point, I think your feelings are likely to change once you're a little older and more experienced. It's totally natural to want to couple with one special soul in such a way. 2
Popsicle Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) I'm over 35, late 30s, and lately I'm feeling this pressure. Everyone around me is either married, divorced or dating someone. I've been dating different women mainly off Tinder. Between work and all my friends drying up, most of my free time is at the gym or an occasional dinner, day excursion to catch up with friends. Would like to get other people's feelings on this. I feel like I'm stuck and everyone around me is moving but I'm not. I got a lot of good things going for me as I am employed, have money, no debt, a retirement fund, home, sweet car, but the one thing I really want just isn't happening. I slept with a woman last weekend I met off Tinder and it was fun for a couple of hours but when I left I felt empty. I've been going on a Tiger Woods like tear lately and aside from the orgasms, just feel like there's a void. Never felt this before. Anyone else out there going through this, experienced this? Am I having a mid-life crisis? The women I fall hard for are women who come on to me but are attached. Screws with my head. Any where I go: gym, volunteer groups, parties. In the last 4 years, not counting the women I've hooked up with, I've had really bad experiences with women I liked. I think I met someone great and BOOM! Either married wanting to cheat... has a boyfriend wanting to cheat... a liar... a con artist (makes me believe they're a great catch, when they're hiding a horrible history)... feels like an endless vicious cycle. Maybe this is just a phase or a learning experience to get me closer to the "one"... but right now feeling empty and lost. You're not alone. Everyone I ever meet here that I like is married or in a relationship too. If I'm attracted to someone, I almost expect them to be in a relationship or married now, and at least 95% of the time they are. I think it has to do with the age group. Most people are paired up by now. I think if I had never been married before, this would feel a lot worse and I would spiral into a depression. Edited March 5, 2016 by Popsicle
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 I think you're not quite ready. You want it badly, but your heart isn't quite in the right place yet. I've been there. I get it. I'm pretty much there now. You're choosing or attracting these unsuitable women for a reason, something about your frame of mind. You're getting older, and it's fundamental human nature to want to carry on your lineage and fortify your energies with a family. It's natural for the dead-end hookups to feel empty to you now, because your heart and drive are yearning for something different - significance and a meaningful legacy. I think Western men are prime for marriage and fathering children from 35-40, but the prime can stretch to about 45. For reproduction, that is the "scary age" for men, where problems associated with sperm quality start to climb fast. So you've got some time. I think the best thing you can do is ruminate a little on what you're really looking for, get clear with yourself and make it happen. Jabron, as for your anti-marriage stance, I agree with many of your views expressed on the forum. But on this point, I think your feelings are likely to change once you're a little older and more experienced. It's totally natural to want to couple with one special soul in such a way. Lets just say I'm pretty easy on the lady eyes You're hitting every nail on the head. I have really no desire to hook up anymore. I want to be in love. 2
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 You're not alone. Everyone I ever meet here that I like is married or in a relationship too. If I'm attracted to someone, I almost expect them to be in a relationship or married now, and at least 95% of the time they are. I think it has to do with the age group. Most people are paired up by now. I think if I had never been married before, this would feel a lot worse and I would spiral into a depression. It's usually the women I'm attracted to who come to me and I find out they're either in a relationship or are plain nuts with serious baggage. So I get my eyes and heart set on this woman, only to discover she's a player or a psycho. It's hard to keep dealing with disappointment.
Shanex Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I'm a bit younger but in the same situation, there's the occasional fling, if I'm lucky, the fwb situation but that's about it for now. Having been in multiple relationship in my 20s though it's the other way around for me. I'd like some more years 'having fun' until.. say, 35 would be good enough. I'm still undecided about marriage and children, I was sort of close of a LTR and commitment once but things eventually went wrong so... I have not given myself an ultimatum about commitment yet, I don't put pressure on myself. I heard all the adages 'it happens when you least expect it', 'after 40 is too late' etc. I liked Jabrons post because there's nothing miserable about being a celibate, even a long time celibate, I do miss the intimacy sometimes, the confession and overall having a mate to share life with feels good, but waking up and doing whatever the f--- I want on weekends also feels good. Hang in there, life often improves. 1
katiegrl Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I'm a bit younger but in the same situation, there's the occasional fling, if I'm lucky, the fwb situation but that's about it for now. Having been in multiple relationship in my 20s though it's the other way around for me. I'd like some more years 'having fun' until.. say, 35 would be good enough. I'm still undecided about marriage and children, I was sort of close of a LTR and commitment once but things eventually went wrong so... I have not given myself an ultimatum about commitment yet, I don't put pressure on myself. I heard all the adages 'it happens when you least expect it', 'after 40 is too late' etc. I liked Jabrons post because there's nothing miserable about being a celibate, even a long time celibate, I do miss the intimacy sometimes, the confession and overall having a mate to share life with feels good, but waking up and doing whatever the f--- I want on weekends also feels good. Hang in there, life often improves. LOL...oh I highly doubt Jabron is celibate. In fact, could almost guarantee he's not celibate.
OnlyHonesty Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) Everything you've mentioned points towards you measuring your life by comparing it to others. That is a pointless exercise and can only end in failure since everyone has a different life and are at different points in their life. Even your thread title is a give away ''starting to feel the clock is ticking'' not a title of ''ready to settle down because I'm ready''. Most of what you mention is all about societal pressure, pressure from others, comparing yourself to others that are married and a ticking clock. The ticking is from someone elses clock, it isn't even yours. You need to ask yourself this. If society and people in general did not look down upon or shame men for still being single at your age, would you still give a damn? If there was no pressure from society or anyone else to settle down at your age, would you still give a damn? I am older than you but stopped spending my weekends chasing women long ago. I instead simply do what ever makes me happy. Like you I am very easy on the eye and have no trouble with women, but I prefer to be single because my life is simpler. There is no pressure because I don't compare my life to other peoples. Most people I know are married or partnered up but its not for me. Some try to shame me, waste of time. Edited March 5, 2016 by OnlyHonesty 2
Jabron1 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 LOL...oh I highly doubt Jabron is celibate. In fact, could almost guarantee he's not celibate. I just looked it up. And apparently I am celibate Celibacy(from Latin, cælibatus") is the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons. It is often in association with the role of a religious official or devotee. Bloody hell. You learn something new everyday...
katiegrl Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) I just looked it up. And apparently I am celibate Celibacy(from Latin, cælibatus") is the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons. It is often in association with the role of a religious official or devotee. --- Bloody hell. You learn something new everyday... You can say that again, and I'm not talking about the definition! You are the last person I ever expected to be *sexually abstinent.* Which is how Webster's defines it. "Abstaining from marriage and sexual relations.". Usually for religious reasons, like a Catholic priest or something. Yup, learn something new every day...: Edited March 5, 2016 by katiegrl
Jabron1 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) You can say that again, and I'm not talking about the definition! You are the last person I ever expected to be *sexually abstinent.* Which is how Webster's defines it. "Abstaining from marriage and sexual relations.". Usually for religious reasons, like a Catholic priest or something. Yup, learn something new every day...: We will see if my chastity can survive the weekend. What with all these perverts I keep hearing about I may need a chaperone... Edited March 5, 2016 by Jabron1
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 I'm a bit younger but in the same situation, there's the occasional fling, if I'm lucky, the fwb situation but that's about it for now. Having been in multiple relationship in my 20s though it's the other way around for me. I'd like some more years 'having fun' until.. say, 35 would be good enough. I'm still undecided about marriage and children, I was sort of close of a LTR and commitment once but things eventually went wrong so... I have not given myself an ultimatum about commitment yet, I don't put pressure on myself. I heard all the adages 'it happens when you least expect it', 'after 40 is too late' etc. I liked Jabrons post because there's nothing miserable about being a celibate, even a long time celibate, I do miss the intimacy sometimes, the confession and overall having a mate to share life with feels good, but waking up and doing whatever the f--- I want on weekends also feels good. Hang in there, life often improves. It's the hits I'm taking that are taking its toll. I like a female's attention but I'm tired of being pulled in only to be left looking stupid at times. I think my attitude needs to shift to - as soon as a woman who is attractive gives me hints or attention, I make the move fast. Good or bad, don't look back. Just make the move right away. There are way too many times I can spot these younger ones and their absurd games. I'm ahead of the curve, but then I let my guard down, only to be suckered in and looking like a fool because I waited too long to do anything.
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 Everything you've mentioned points towards you measuring your life by comparing it to others. That is a pointless exercise and can only end in failure since everyone has a different life and are at different points in their life. Even your thread title is a give away ''starting to feel the clock is ticking'' not a title of ''ready to settle down because I'm ready''. Most of what you mention is all about societal pressure, pressure from others, comparing yourself to others that are married and a ticking clock. The ticking is from someone elses clock, it isn't even yours. You need to ask yourself this. If society and people in general did not look down upon or shame men for still being single at your age, would you still give a damn? If there was no pressure from society or anyone else to settle down at your age, would you still give a damn? I am older than you but stopped spending my weekends chasing women long ago. I instead simply do what ever makes me happy. Like you I am very easy on the eye and have no trouble with women, but I prefer to be single because my life is simpler. There is no pressure because I don't compare my life to other peoples. Most people I know are married or partnered up but its not for me. Some try to shame me, waste of time. F-ck society and their standards. Nothing to do with it. I'm looking at I'm tired of the single scene. I remember family vacations, big ones, and I miss that. I want to bring that back but do it with my own family. In a sense I want to come full circle. I've never really been one to chase women. It's usually women coming onto me but they are either married or some in some kind of relationship. I remember hanging at this local bar years ago and became friendly with the bartender. She was very pretty but I didn't want to mess with her as she had a boyfriend. She offers me her email and phone number and tells me "we can be friends... and who knows down the road." What she was saying to me: "we can take our time getting to know each other, and when I break up with my boyfriend, you'll be next in line." Most guys would be all over this. That's their strategy: be friends, stay in the loop and wait for the right time to pounce. I look at it as I'm waiting for this guy to finish his business with her and then its my turn. Just tired of dealing with HOT women who are head cases playing games!
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 It's the hits I'm taking that are taking its toll. I like a female's attention but I'm tired of being pulled in only to be left looking stupid at times. I think my attitude needs to shift to - as soon as a woman who is attractive gives me hints or attention, I make the move fast. Good or bad, don't look back. Just make the move right away. There are way too many times I can spot these younger ones and their absurd games. I'm ahead of the curve, but then I let my guard down, only to be suckered in and looking like a fool because I waited too long to do anything. That is the action of a man on the prowl, not one in search of a long lasting connection. You do this without realizing it, I know I have been there. I had a lot of attention from men, good looking ones, younger ones, I had my pick. And I picked wrong. Then I'd come on here talking about how hard it is to find someone genuine that will stick around. People kept telling me your men picker is off. I didn't see it at the time but now that I am in a relationship and I can look back objectively, yes people were right. I found my boyfriend because I put aside chemistry, butterflies, hard pectorals and abs and I searched with my head instead of looking with my pvssy! Sorry but that's what it is. 1
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 That is the action of a man on the prowl, not one in search of a long lasting connection. You do this without realizing it, I know I have been there. I had a lot of attention from men, good looking ones, younger ones, I had my pick. And I picked wrong. Then I'd come on here talking about how hard it is to find someone genuine that will stick around. People kept telling me your men picker is off. I didn't see it at the time but now that I am in a relationship and I can look back objectively, yes people were right. I found my boyfriend because I put aside chemistry, butterflies, hard pectorals and abs and I searched with my head instead of looking with my pvssy! Sorry but that's what it is. The last one I saw it coming from miles away and tried to avoid it. Problem was she was too damn attractive and I got suckered in by her looks. Of course, it went nowhere and I ended up behaving stupid. Still, you have to be attracted to the person. I've met some really nice women... in fact, they were good women, but I had no desire to be intimate with them. I'd like to have it all hit me at once: just know she is the "one".
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Still, you have to be attracted to the person. I've met some really nice women... in fact, they were good women, but I had no desire to be intimate with them. I'd like to have it all hit me at once: just know she is the "one". Of course she has to have what you like but stay away from burning hot. Give it a try. You know those women you meet, they look nice, but you got this feeling you could do better? Take a chance on those ones. When I met my boyfriend I told a friend: I like him, he's nice, presents well, but I feel I can get hotter (old pattern). He told me: Gaeta when you find someone nice stop looking for better. That's what I did and discovered an adorable man in him. After 3 months dating he has become burning hot to me and I only have eyes for him. 1
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 Okay, like this last one was ridiculously hot to the point I was uncomfortable and tried running away from her. lol. I never even spoke to her so not sure if I missed out on a good person or not... but I get what you're saying. I'm not all about looks. I just want that right balance. That feeling: we belong together. You're the one. It's been... super hot / immature / too much trouble OR nice / friendly / no sexual desire / blah
Popsicle Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 It's usually the women I'm attracted to who come to me and I find out they're either in a relationship or are plain nuts with serious baggage. So I get my eyes and heart set on this woman, only to discover she's a player or a psycho. It's hard to keep dealing with disappointment. Totally understand. It helps to ask right away if they are with someone. I don't know about the psycho part though, that takes time to find out, so I think you have to just take that risk.
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 Totally understand. It helps to ask right away if they are with someone. I don't know about the psycho part though, that takes time to find out, so I think you have to just take that risk. I say psycho because if you're with someone then why are you trying to get my attention, lead me on? I'm with someone, I don't go shopping to see what else is out there...
Popsicle Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I say psycho because if you're with someone then why are you trying to get my attention, lead me on? I'm with someone, I don't go shopping to see what else is out there... Just ask them in the beginning if they are with someone. You will save yourself a lot of time and heartache.
AMJ Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Am I wrong or does super hot / immature / too much trouble = younger than 27? OR nice / friendly / no sexual desire / blah= someone you didn't go on more than 2 dates with? If I'm right, then you know what to change. More dates with the blah (but I think chemistry should happen within at least 5 dates) and stop going for the younger ones! They're fun to play with, but you've said you are done playing
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 Am I wrong or does super hot / immature / too much trouble = younger than 27? OR nice / friendly / no sexual desire / blah= someone you didn't go on more than 2 dates with? If I'm right, then you know what to change. More dates with the blah (but I think chemistry should happen within at least 5 dates) and stop going for the younger ones! They're fun to play with, but you've said you are done playing I want a younger woman because of the family factor. I'm not saying a woman over 30 can't have children, but after 30 women have a harder time having children or some have decided they do not want children. My cut off age is 25. I feel at 25, the woman has been out of school, she has had some real world experience, she's usually looking for that mate who is not some broke deadbeat, but a guy who is established or on his way to being established. I'm better now than I was in my 20s. Just got to be careful of the gold diggers. What exactly is chemistry then? I meet someone and I should be attracted to them right away, no? 5 dates to figure it out? Sounds like a lot of cash spent and maybe sex... why not just get a hooker?
Popsicle Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Oh, I think you're making a mistake in discounting women who are in their early thirties. On another note, looking at it from the outside, it's kind of amusing how it's only women who have a biological clock to contend with, not men, but somehow it seems like despite men not having that biological restriction, the ticking clock seems to be transferred to men anyway. 1
AMJ Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I want a younger woman because of the family factor. I'm not saying a woman over 30 can't have children, but after 30 women have a harder time having children or some have decided they do not want children. My cut off age is 25. I feel at 25, the woman has been out of school, she has had some real world experience, she's usually looking for that mate who is not some broke deadbeat, but a guy who is established or on his way to being established. I'm better now than I was in my 20s. Just got to be careful of the gold diggers. What exactly is chemistry then? I meet someone and I should be attracted to them right away, no? 5 dates to figure it out? Sounds like a lot of cash spent and maybe sex... why not just get a hooker? You're reminding me of a good friend. I've known him since we were 7. He's the only single guy left in the crew of friends that's been together since high school. He's always looking for this smoking hot 26 year old, who wants to be a wife and a mother tomorrow. He wants instant chemistry. He wants perfection. But what he's looking for doesn't exist. He's 33 like me, but doesn't look a day older than 22. Very good looking guy, the most well-mannered, hard working, family-oriented, great guy. He has tons to offer a woman. He meets and hooks up with girls all the time. But he can't seem to find his unicorn. You're just really limiting yourself. You want a hot woman between ages 25-30 and amazing chemistry on the first date. I think it's going to take a little more effort than that. None of the happily married couples I know, had amazing chemistry on a first date. It took time.
Author truth_seeker Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 Oh, I think you're making a mistake in discounting women who are in their early thirties. Not entirely. Just the ones I've come across have been desperate. They're in a rush to have kids, be married... mainly for the sake of showing off to people they know that they're married and have kids. I've dated women after one month talked about moving in, redecorating the place, "WE need to change this, create more space, if we're going to have kids..." This is when I start changing the locks.
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