Starting to Feel the Clock is Ticking

[truth_seeker]

I'm over 35, late 30s, and lately I'm feeling this pressure. Everyone around me is either married, divorced or dating someone. I've been dating different women mainly off Tinder. Between work and all my friends drying up, most of my free time is at the gym or an occasional dinner, day excursion to catch up with friends.

 

Would like to get other people's feelings on this. I feel like I'm stuck and everyone around me is moving but I'm not. I got a lot of good things going for me as I am employed, have money, no debt, a retirement fund, home, sweet car, but the one thing I really want just isn't happening. I slept with a woman last weekend I met off Tinder and it was fun for a couple of hours but when I left I felt empty. I've been going on a Tiger Woods like tear lately and aside from the orgasms, just feel like there's a void. Never felt this before. Anyone else out there going through this, experienced this? Am I having a mid-life crisis?

 

The women I fall hard for are women who come on to me but are attached. Screws with my head. Any where I go: gym, volunteer groups, parties. In the last 4 years, not counting the women I've hooked up with, I've had really bad experiences with women I liked. I think I met someone great and BOOM! Either married wanting to cheat... has a boyfriend wanting to cheat... a liar... a con artist (makes me believe they're a great catch, when they're hiding a horrible history)... feels like an endless vicious cycle.

 

Maybe this is just a phase or a learning experience to get me closer to the "one"... but right now feeling empty and lost.

[Emilia]

It's the age. A lot of people in their 30s and 40s are married or in LTRs so more of them find you that single ones do. Married guys hit on me often but they always have done so I learned to ignore them. More unsuitable men have hit on me in my lifetime than suitable ones.

 

I go to debate society events, hiking trips, sailing etc and meet all sorts that way. Better than OLD in my opinion.

[truth_seeker]

Another thing is the hits I'm taking lately or the "losses" I'm feeling. In private I told some people on this forum how I encountered this woman who is much younger than me - 25. Maybe she just wanted attention or maybe I blew it by not speaking up... but I think, what if? Then there was this married woman who clearly hit on me and wanted to hook up. I was so attracted to her and we both wanted it but I ran away -- I had to.

 

I'm afraid if I join another group, go to some event, the cycle will continue.

[Jabron1]

Why do you want to get married? The drawbacks are huge; the rewards are negligible.

 

All of my friends that are married are jealous of the way I live. They tell me as much.

 

Count your blessings. You are single, successful, and still in your thirties. You are the envy of most men. You are free to take your life in any direction that you choose. You are free from the responsibilities that tie most guys down daily.

 

True power is the amount of control that you have over your own life. You, sir, are a very powerful man. This is as good as it gets.

 

You just don't realise it, because you are trying to follow a script that society has written for you, and probably doesn't fit anyway.

[AMJ]

At least you don't have a biological clock

 

My gay bestie said I should consider freezing my eggs. Slap in my face, lol. Guys get older and can still get younger women. You have so much going for you! Try to remember all of the good things whenever you sink down into feeling sad about what's lacking.

 

I hear you on being left behind. I was everyone's best friend, listened to all of them obsess and analyze every date and relationship for years. Then I became the best bridesmaid and baby shower planner, racking up credit card debt just to afford celebrating everyone else's milestones while I was in grad school. And now, none of my friends have much time to listen to my dating stories, like I was there for them, because they're all moms.

 

Not only that, but when all of your friends are married and have kids, socializing is not conducive to dating. My best friend wants to hang out with me, she invites me to her daughter's soccer and softball games. She's always saying- you need to get off OLD and just socialize.. I'm like- I AM socializing, with you right now at this softball field. Where are the single men at? lol.

 

I don't have any empty sex. I just don't have sex at all. And I really, really miss sex. I can't have casual sex. I don't enjoy it, since there's no feelings and not usually enough attraction. If I am really attracted to someone, I'll develop feelings and that's not good since it's supposed to be casual.

 

I relate a lot to what you're going through. I'm starting to think that I need to just stop trying altogether. They always say, love happens when you're not looking for it. And the only relationships I've had that ever meant anything did happen out of nowhere.

[WhirlwindGuy]

I make great money, and live single now...I would kill to have never gotten married.

 

 

Now that my wife decided that she was tired of being married, I am left to pick up the pieces and start completely over at 38. Oh how different life would be right now, had I been making choices based on knowing id be single at 38.

 

 

You got it pretty good. I know how it feels to want someone, but don't be so quick to marry just because you feel like it is what society expects. It changes you forever. Hopefully for the good, I would like to still believe in marriage, but all too often, it destroys you.

[AMJ]

I also remind myself of everyone I know who's unhappily married because they didn't know what else to do with their life, when I feel down about being single.

 

Then again, I have a lot of friends who are happily married too. I just try to follow their example.

[Emilia]

Another thing is the hits I'm taking lately or the "losses" I'm feeling. In private I told some people on this forum how I encountered this woman who is much younger than me - 25. Maybe she just wanted attention or maybe I blew it by not speaking up... but I think, what if? Then there was this married woman who clearly hit on me and wanted to hook up. I was so attracted to her and we both wanted it but I ran away -- I had to.

 

I'm afraid if I join another group, go to some event, the cycle will continue.

 

Whether any sort of cycle continues is your choice. I don't understand why people are so blind to what choices they make in life. It's within your control what kind of people you hang out with. It's not fate.

 

It's natural to feel down, you just need to socialise and screen out unsuitables before you get tangled.

[Gaeta]

I don't understand your logic.

 

You are wanting to move on in life to something more stable and meaningful but you keep on choosing Tinder to meet women. It's like looking for blueberries in a field of potatoes.

 

You need a better plan.

[truth_seeker]

Why do you want to get married? The drawbacks are huge; the rewards are negligible.

 

All of my friends that are married are jealous of the way I live. They tell me as much.

 

Count your blessings. You are single, successful, and still in your thirties. You are the envy of most men. You are free to take your life in any direction that you choose. You are free from the responsibilities that tie most guys down daily.

 

True power is the amount of control that you have over your own life. You, sir, are a very powerful man. This is as good as it gets.

 

You just don't realise it, because you are trying to follow a script that society has written for you, and probably doesn't fit anyway.

 

The only thing missing now for me in life is starting a family. I want to get married, have kids, focus on them and enjoy them with the rest of my family.

 

I am blessed but at the same time it can be a curse as others are jealous. If I meet new people, try to get involved with a new circle, there has always been one or two people who stir sh-t up and eventually I have to leave.

 

It's been hard trying to get involved with solid people and meet solid prospects.

[truth_seeker]

I make great money, and live single now...I would kill to have never gotten married.

 

 

Now that my wife decided that she was tired of being married, I am left to pick up the pieces and start completely over at 38. Oh how different life would be right now, had I been making choices based on knowing id be single at 38.

 

 

You got it pretty good. I know how it feels to want someone, but don't be so quick to marry just because you feel like it is what society expects. It changes you forever. Hopefully for the good, I would like to still believe in marriage, but all too often, it destroys you.

 

Yes, it can destroy if you marry the wrong person. I guess its a combination of feeling lonely and being fearful I might never meet the "one"....

[truth_seeker]

You have so much going for you! Try to remember all of the good things whenever you sink down into feeling sad about what's lacking.

 

I relate a lot to what you're going through. I'm starting to think that I need to just stop trying altogether. They always say, love happens when you're not looking for it. And the only relationships I've had that ever meant anything did happen out of nowhere.

 

That's what keeps me going, that I have a lot that others would kill for... but I really do feel nothing is happening and I don't know if this will change or even how to go about it right now.

[truth_seeker]

Whether any sort of cycle continues is your choice. I don't understand why people are so blind to what choices they make in life. It's within your control what kind of people you hang out with. It's not fate.

 

It's natural to feel down, you just need to socialise and screen out unsuitables before you get tangled.

 

You are right and I got involved with some bad people... some could say trying to make chicken salad out of chicken sh-t.

 

Sometimes you just need companionship and you go with what's available and around you.

[truth_seeker]

I don't understand your logic.

 

You are wanting to move on in life to something more stable and meaningful but you keep on choosing Tinder to meet women. It's like looking for blueberries in a field of potatoes.

 

You need a better plan.

 

I agree with you. I deleted Tinder today. I saw this woman I knew from years ago. Complete crazy and serial cheater. God help the man she fools next. Seeing her was a sign - delete this app.

 

I'm struggling right now with formulating a plan.

[insert_name]

I am the same age amd in a similar situation. I met a girl recently that I really liked, fell hard and she was just game playing and multi-dating.

 

It was the last straw for me after two years of hit and miss online dating. I don't want to get played like that again so I have literally completely re-invented myself. No more Mr Nice Guy with no self respect and poor boundaries. I have changed my image, my attitude and my mindset, hit the gym in a big way and now I am much more visible and feel like my options have really increased.

 

But to be honest, all I have known is wastrel women in their 30s who want to keep screwing around because they think that a better deal is always around the corner. As a result all I want to do with my newfound confidence is put more of the same back in. If you can't beat em, might as well bite down on any emotional attachment and just see the women you meet as a bit of fun and build your life around your interests and not plan for, or expect any long term relationship to come of it. Dating into your 30s in the era of online dating and social media with the aim of meeting a quality woman who wants a long term relationship is an almost impossible task- at least where I live!

 

So I am sorry to agree with your bleak prognosis, but from what I can see the best ones are taken. All thr likes of us guys in their mid 30s with no children have to look forward to is the women who will never get tired of putting themselves about to the guys they have on rotation (barring a miracle). Might as well cultivate a bull pen of your own and get your real enjoyment from the hobbies and interests that you love.

[AMJ]

Boo to that answer- the best ones are not taken. Raise the bar about where you're looking. Less Tinder, more professional networking events, or lectures, or anything involving a hobby you have.

[insert_name]

I don't understand your logic.

 

You are wanting to move on in life to something more stable and meaningful but you keep on choosing Tinder to meet women. It's like looking for blueberries in a field of potatoes.

 

You need a better plan.

 

Agree with this. If you are trying to find something more meaningful you aren't going to find it on Tinder. At least in my experience.

 

I have given up on OLD completely. From.now on I will suck it up and try and approach women in real life. They can't be any worse than the attention vampires you find on all varieties of dating site/app.

[insert_name]

Boo to that answer- the best ones are not taken. Raise the bar about where you're looking. Less Tinder, more professional networking events, or lectures, or anything involving a hobby you have.

 

That is a fair point, most of my recent dating experience has come from OLD and it has been awful. I am going to give IRL more of a chance. It can't be any worse.

 

I am surprised by how much emotional unavailability there is in single women in their 30s on OLD.

[Jabron1]

The only thing missing now for me in life is starting a family. I want to get married, have kids, focus on them and enjoy them with the rest of my family.

 

I am blessed but at the same time it can be a curse as others are jealous. If I meet new people, try to get involved with a new circle, there has always been one or two people who stir sh-t up and eventually I have to leave.

 

It's been hard trying to get involved with solid people and meet solid prospects.

 

I hear what you're saying. Kids are the one issue that has men by the balls. Men have absolutely no rights concerning children.

 

I'm undecided on whether I'll have children. I think that I'd be a good dad, but I don't think that marriage is secure enough for me to seriously consider it. I just think it's a terrible deal for a man - men take most of the responsibility, and all of the risk. Men have been made expendable, an optional extra. You can be expelled from the family unit that you want so much at any moment on a whim.

 

I've just watched my cousin go through his marriage trying to placate his Mrs. She soon got 'bored' and dumped him. Now that he's moved on, she's using the baby as a weapon.

 

Marriage must be undertaken from a strong masculine frame IMO. However, try to imagine the pressures of keeping it up day after day after day - and the risks of failure. Most marriages end in divorce, filed by the wife.

 

Some guys want to opt out of the dating scene, and think that a marriage is protective and safe. Let me tell you, any guy that ain't got enough game for the dating scene, certainly ain't got enough game for a marriage.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Jabron1

[Jejangles]

I am mid 30s and female and I hear you on the clock. Less so for myself (so far my biological urges are staying pretty quiet which makes me question the whole kids thing) but my single friends are all freaking out and in some cases questioning whether they are ready to parent alone.

 

All I can say is keep trying! Try different means of meeting people, be open minded and do some self reflecting. I have been online dating on and off for 6 years. In that time I have had a ton of first dates, a fair number of second dates, a handful of third and a few mini "relationships" that were going nowhere lasting from a month to four months. Last year I took a break and reflected on why I was getting so many dates and no relationships, if that was what I really wanted, and realised it was me. I was focusing on the wrong things, and connecting with the wrong guys, most of whom were lukewarm on me or romantically unavailable.

 

In January I signed up for Tinder for the second time, mostly for fun and because I needed an ego boost after yet another romantic failure. I matched with a guy who was not my typical type but who sounded interesting. We met for a date and I wasn't swept away but realised he was everything I wanted "on paper" and I should give it more time. We have now been dating for two months, everything is connecting (both emotionally and physically) and I can't believe I have finally met someone with so much promise. We have been exclusive for a couple of weeks and just the other day he tried out the term girlfriend. I have no idea where it will go, but I am so happy and falling for him more every day.

 

I mean, we met on Tinder of all places! In my opinion it's all about persistence and mindset. On New Year's Eve, right as I had been let down by yet another guy, I told my friend I could feel that I was going to meet someone important this year. And 9 days later I matched with my guy. In the past I know I would have passed him by because I would have thought he wasn't what I was looking for. Now I feel lucky that we met, and that I opened my eyes in time.

[thecrucible]

In my opinion it's all about persistence and mindset. On New Year's Eve, right as I had been let down by yet another guy, I told my friend I could feel that I was going to meet someone important this year. And 9 days later I matched with my guy. In the past I know I would have passed him by because I would have thought he wasn't what I was looking for. Now I feel lucky that we met, and that I opened my eyes in time.

 

Your post is right on the money. I feel the same as the OP and I am 26. Many of my friends are married with children, albeit some of them older than me so you'd expect it more. However every time I get on Facebook, I see that someone else has got engaged. I'm happy for them but I hope that will happen for me too. I want kids in the future but just to find a man would be great. I also really agree with your last sentence. I've recently realised more about what's important and what's not so I hope that brings me closer to finding the love of my life.

[truth_seeker]

Raise the bar about where you're looking. Less Tinder, more professional networking events, or lectures, or anything involving a hobby you have.

 

Yea, I need to work on this. I need to get more involved in some activities where I'm meeting people. I know if I extend my circle I'll have many opportunities to meet women.

[truth_seeker]

I hear what you're saying. Kids are the one issue that has men by the balls. Men have absolutely no rights concerning children.

 

I'm undecided on whether I'll have children. I think that I'd be a good dad, but I don't think that marriage is secure enough for me to seriously consider it. I just think it's a terrible deal for a man - men take most of the responsibility, and all of the risk. Men have been made expendable, an optional extra. You can be expelled from the family unit that you want so much at any moment on a whim.

 

I've just watched my cousin go through his marriage trying to placate his Mrs. She soon got 'bored' and dumped him. Now that he's moved on, she's using the baby as a weapon.

 

Marriage must be undertaken from a strong masculine frame IMO. However, try to imagine the pressures of keeping it up day after day after day - and the risks of failure. Most marriages end in divorce, filed by the wife.

 

Some guys want to opt out of the dating scene, and think that a marriage is protective and safe. Let me tell you, any guy that ain't got enough game for the dating scene, certainly ain't got enough game for a marriage.

 

I know too many people who are now divorced and their lives in shambles. Wife gets the house with the kids and the husband is sleeping on the couch in his parents basement. wtf?

 

I want to be married but I do fear getting entangled with the wrong woman.

[truth_seeker]

I feel the same as the OP and I am 26. Many of my friends are married with children, albeit some of them older than me so you'd expect it more. However every time I get on Facebook, I see that someone else has got engaged. I'm happy for them but I hope that will happen for me too. I want kids in the future but just to find a man would be great. I also really agree with your last sentence. I've recently realised more about what's important and what's not so I hope that brings me closer to finding the love of my life.

 

Oh, lets not get started on Facebook and people with their insufferable love lives... We get it: you're in a relationship.

 

For me lately it's been either a tease (a girl who is absolutely beautiful messing with my head) or a nice woman I'm just not that into. Trying to find that right balance.

[truth_seeker]

I am mid 30s and female and I hear you on the clock. Less so for myself (so far my biological urges are staying pretty quiet which makes me question the whole kids thing) but my single friends are all freaking out and in some cases questioning whether they are ready to parent alone.

 

All I can say is keep trying! Try different means of meeting people, be open minded and do some self reflecting. I have been online dating on and off for 6 years. In that time I have had a ton of first dates, a fair number of second dates, a handful of third and a few mini "relationships" that were going nowhere lasting from a month to four months. Last year I took a break and reflected on why I was getting so many dates and no relationships, if that was what I really wanted, and realised it was me. I was focusing on the wrong things, and connecting with the wrong guys, most of whom were lukewarm on me or romantically unavailable.

 

In January I signed up for Tinder for the second time, mostly for fun and because I needed an ego boost after yet another romantic failure. I matched with a guy who was not my typical type but who sounded interesting. We met for a date and I wasn't swept away but realised he was everything I wanted "on paper" and I should give it more time. We have now been dating for two months, everything is connecting (both emotionally and physically) and I can't believe I have finally met someone with so much promise. We have been exclusive for a couple of weeks and just the other day he tried out the term girlfriend. I have no idea where it will go, but I am so happy and falling for him more every day.

 

I mean, we met on Tinder of all places! In my opinion it's all about persistence and mindset. On New Year's Eve, right as I had been let down by yet another guy, I told my friend I could feel that I was going to meet someone important this year. And 9 days later I matched with my guy. In the past I know I would have passed him by because I would have thought he wasn't what I was looking for. Now I feel lucky that we met, and that I opened my eyes in time.

 

Thanks for your positive feedback and congrats on your relationship!

 

I have a friend who met his girlfriend of 2 years on Tinder. I know it can work that way but you have to be extremely lucky.

 

I really would like to meet a woman IRL and not look back.