Veteran with PTSD, Will my ex comeback after a breakup

March 4, 2016

So be prepared with this forewarning! This email is a bit lengthy and has been copied from an original text I had prepared. I've made some alterations to my lifestyle and have been bettering myself as well as learning to accept things and even welcoming, namely Marijuana, which you'll come across in the message. Keep in mind that this is merely my side of the story, but I'm being very honest and forward with everything as well as my own mistakes.

Here we go.

I've been dating this girl, well I was up until recently and she meant the world to me. We have a few differences, like she enjoys smoking weed and stuff like that and I don't. Either way, when I first met this girl I knew all of this stuff about her. It didn't keep me away from her and the more I hung out with her the more fascinated I became by her. I enjoyed being in her presence and I would drive an hour away on nights that I had to be up at 4 in the morning just to spend some time with her.

Eventually I started to fall in love with her and she did with me, too. This girl meant the world to me, she gave me the best summer of my life, she made me feel new again and she said my name in a way that made me feel like the greatest man in the world. Well we wound up moving in together fairly quickly, namely due to our previous living arrangements. Things were great and I loved waking up next to her every morning. When she needed help finding a car, I did my best to find a good one where she could make payments from a family friend and in the mean time, I let her drive my car to work every day and I started to walk home, just so she didn't have to. Every time she wanted something and needed something, I was there for her. I did everything without hesitation. If it made her happy, I was on it. When we first started the relationship, she told me that she didn't want to smoke pot anymore because she loved being sober with me, but as months passed, she started asking me how I would feel about her doing it again. At first it hurt me, because I thought that she was enjoying life with me and being happy. Well we got in an argument over it, I got upset when she shutdown on me and I took my frustrations out on myself, physically.

She left and wanted time to think about our relationship, well she didn't say anything to me for about two weeks and then she wanted to see me again. I took off of work just to go pick her up that afternoon, drove an hour out to pick her up and we talked. I apologized about my behavior and told her that if I get like that again to talk to me.

When she came back I told her I needed help with bills, because I let her stay with me without paying so she could get her life on track. I took care if her and supported her. One night she wanted weed, so I stayed up all night while she slept just so I could get it for her even though I didn't really care for it. I accepted her for her wants and desires and I encouraged her. She wanted a nose piercing and was afraid to do it, so I surprised her by taking her to the tattoo shop to get it done. I told her to just go for it and that I supported her it. I helped her pick out the ring, I held her hand during the session, I rubbed her back and wiped away her tears. I did everything to comfort her. Hell she was so thankful that I made her do it. Damn she was so happy and that in return made me happy.

When things started getting tough though, I started stressing and I started to ask her for help. I told her before she bought drugs that she needed to help me first. Well she started inviting her family over to my one bedroom apartment for days on end without talking to me about it and it stressed me out even more. I tried to talk to her about it and she got defensive and started saying that I hated her sisters and I always acted like a jerk to those girls. I want always pleasant when I first got home from work when I had three grown girls sitting around for three days straight and using up my electric, I felt like I was being used, but I always did everything I could to make them feel at home.

Well on Christmas day she told me she wanted to spend the day apart and it hurt me so badly that I took my frustrations out on myself again, now keep in mind I know that's not cool, but I also suffer from PTSD and it's my natural reaction. So she broke up with me Christmas day and has been treating me like trash ever since.

Here and there she would ask me to give her a ride or pick her up from work and she would offer to pay me, but I would refuse any payment as I just wanted to spend some time with her.

I acted foolishly a few weeks ago. I saw her at the mall with her mom and some dude that lives with them. The day before that I had a coworker tell me that she saw my ex with some other guy at Walmart holding hands and stuff. I confronted her mother about it and she told me that my coworker was a liar and that my ex was focusing on herself and not dating. Anyways when I saw at the mall with that other guy it freaked me out and in an act of jealousy and curiosity I followed them, Yeah stupid move on my end. They knew I was doing it and they did their best to avoid me. After that I contacted her mom again and admitted to the situation in which she immediately blocked me. I understand it was a stupid mistake and should have just walked away, but I didn't. Now 70 percent of her family and friends have blocked me on social media.

What can I do? Is there any hope of repairing this and is there any chance she will comeback? I'm trying my best to remedy myself and focus on getting better, but I can't help but to think about her everyday.

March 4, 2016

First, thank you for your service and I applaud you for being a "man" here (ie sacrificing your vehicle, taking care of gfs needs)

But, IMO, there's a time/place for everything and you showered all of this on someone who didn't earn it. If she were your wife, ok. But still, even if she was your wife, she'd have no right to be a leech and/or a slug.

This girl has nothing going on for her. I know most men by nature/biology (especially military) want to provide/protect - but find a woman deserving of you and what you have to offer cuz "Damsels in disress" cannot be saved...you end up with "Distressed damsels".

March 4, 2016

I guess I should have mentioned that she has a career and is very successful at it. I didn't intend on underselling her. This is merely my side of the story as she has hers. However, I did put everything in my original post to be fully honest. I even admitted my own wrongdoings. I guess in a way you're right, I was trying to "save" her, but only with good intentions. I just wanted to show her a different path in life, but in a way I became so convinced that my way was the right way that I tried to change her. For that, I truly am sorry. However, I did accept her fir what she wanted and I attempted to show her that. She wanted me to just accept everything she desired and I had to be fully okay with that. I was working on that, but it was going to take a little time.

Right now, I'm just trying to improve myself. I'm getting better at handling my mental stress and I continue to go to the gym on a daily basis. It's had a massive impact, positive that is, on both my physical appearance and confidence. I understand that she doesn't seem worthy of me, in whatever regard that applies to, but if anything, I'm unworthy of her at times. I try not to see us as different values, but as equals. When she broke up with me, she posted some stuff on her Facebook that said something along the lines of, "Once you understand your value, you'll stop giving people discounts" as if she were implying that I somehow didn't give her what she deserved. I gave her all I had...

March 4, 2016

Well dude, I'm not trying to poke holes in your situation, but someone who has a career and is doing well and all that wouldn't be so destitute to need your car to go to/from her job and wouldn't be a pot smoker, IMO.

Believe me, in the military I ran across some woman in like her 30s who had a job, but her hubby was her "main source" of income. She drove a BMW and was so greedy. One day this old guy who could barely speak/walk was searching for her to bring her lunch. She was caught making out with another guy at our office. She also tried to use me as an excuse to sneak and play behind her hubby's back by asking if I could go with her clubbing out of town. What a gross loser she was.

March 4, 2016

About her being the reason you want to improve yourself? Well, yes, I believe a good woman "elevates" a man, but at the same time we cannot depend on others to motivate us to do better for ourselves.

People who are in recovery from stuff like alcoholism are advised to stay away from dating for a while cuz it's hard to recover if you're dependent on another person emotionally.

March 5, 2016

Gloria, I understand what you're saying, but I'm not doing this just sole directly for her. I'm doing it for everyone. Granted I get that she doesn't appear to be worth fighting for, but here's the thing, someone has to care for eventually. I love her more than words can describe, she's worth all the heartache.

She's not perfect and to be honest, I'm not either. I've got plenty of things to fix with myself, but PTSD is something I'll always live with. It shouldn't denominate me from being able to care about someone. I can't compare it to some sort of addiction, because it's a mental hiccup.

March 5, 2016

I'm curious how young she is, and the reason I ask is young people are hard to dissuade from drinking or getting high. But usually once they have to go to work every day and are approaching 30, they've peeled it back simply because it's hard to keep everything going high. I grew up in the 70s drug culture, so everyone I know smoked, but I did notice most got bored with it or whatever by the time they were 30 and the ones who didn't seemed to be a more addictive personality. Booze, same way. So I worry if she's 30 or more that this could be a lifelong thing you won't want to live with.

It also sounds like she's not really willing to be a true partner to you. She isn't voluntarily putting in half of the expenses, but has money for pot. She's turning your place into a party place and acts mad when it bothers you. She sounds kind of like she's using you as long as you don't squawk about it and pulls away when you want anything in return.

I'm glad you are trying to stay social and active with your PTSD. I'm so sorry you've having to cope with that. I had a non-physical trauma related PTSD for about 10 years. It was a product of some emotional events and depression that also lasted that long. I know how it can wear on you. I read something recently that said some research suggests that it takes about 9 years for it to get better, if it's going to.

What made me get better was a fluke. For an unrelated reason, I went into my journals I'd always written in looking for something. I hadn't read them since writing them. I read nonstop for most of a week, and I remembered who I was, relived my past and, I guess, reactivated some memory there, and got myself back. The depression lifted at that time but the PTSD faded slowly after that. I think it's very important when dealing with PTSD to do what you're doing and keep busy and not go into holding pattern like I did for so long, because you need to get your mind out of that rut and literally create new neural pathways instead of digging that one deeper.

You know the odd thing about it is it was only from emotional trauma, not like combat or a wreck or something, but I was all jumpy like something was going to get me when around other people. It's a weird condition. Sounds like you're coping with it really well. Thanks for your service.

Do what makes you happy as much as possible.

March 5, 2016

Well, you know that there's tons of volunteer services you can do for people who really need "help". Wounded Warriors is a good one from what I heard.

I recommend it cuz I've heard that soldiers with PSTD benefited greatly from volunteering in causes that helps (ed) other soldiers.

IMO, relationships are not the place where we wanna put our energies in trying to "fix" people. Took my last FWB ten years with the "Ice Queen" to finally figure out that he can't help her.

Some of us flock to birds with broken wings cuz we either feel a sense of security that the person will never leave us cuz they'll "need" us. And yes, they may never leave, look up to you, but at what cost? So far this one you speak of has caused you more heartache than happiness.

Some of us also flock to birds with broken wings cuz we think we can't do and/or deserve better. Well, if that's the case, maybe you could get some counseling to help you realize the value you have. You already said you were going to the gym and some other stuff and it's making you feel good. Well, that's a good start. We all have to sorta "get comfy in our own skin" and for some of us it takes time and hard work to get there. I really think that the volunteering for other soldiers can help you continue on your path to growth.

I know some who sometimes he frustrates me cuz I don't know, he is like scared of me. I'm not saying this to be mean or whatever (well yes, sometimes I get mean when what he does hurts my feelings)...but he teees me off when he has the "I don't think she'll like me, even though..." And that's sad. It makes me feel bad that he doesn't think he can meet and/or date someone like me. And, IMO, I'm not all that. Well, I do believe I have a lot to offer and intimidate some people, but when I look at him I see so much more and wish he sees what I see.

I also limit myself you know, but I do step up. So, I wish and hope that you do not limit yourself either...

Sorry, but while this chick you mentioned can sweet talk, her actions are bitter. She's a pot head, can't even afford and/or get a car, used you to be her chauffeur, etc. And, she's working other guys for money (typical chick with a lot of male "friends"). Quite frankly, she has some nerve to post on social media how she's something of value that can't be "discounted".

I never asked a man, people, and/or family for a dime. I have pride. I rather bust my butt working ten jobs than take some guy's car. And trust me, I've had some financial pitfalls, and here I am. Actually, getting ready to do some work on my vehicle and am elated with the pride in knowing that "I" worked my butt off to get the money to do it.

Also, I understand that she made you feel good and all that, but dude, that's how manipulators operate. They can "read" people. They pick someone they can manipulate. They know what to "say" to make you warm and fuzzy...cuz that's how she gets her bills paid.

Please don't think that you don't have nothing to offer cuz she manipulated you, just realize that you DO have a lot to offer and one day the right woman will recognize and value it, but there'll always be someone like your ex who's gonna see if they can manipulate you. Shoot, even my dogs test me every freakin day and I have to remind them who's in charge

March 5, 2016

I'd be a complete ******* if I didn't stand my marks against some things. While yes, this thread is namely to point at some of her faults, I have to be honest and state that she does have a job which she's very successful at and she brings home money everyday. Now when it comes to priorities such as paying bills and such, she's completely behind on that. She has a car, or least had one. I helped her to find one through a family friend, which he allowed her to make small payments on and it was my fault for telling her to take her time with getting herself adjusted and getting the things she needs. The last I heard however, is that she sold the car, so I'm not sure what's she's doing to get around.

She's 22 and to be honest as hell, she's rather mature for her age. This isn't me defending her, it's just me being honest about her. Yeah she has some selfish tendencies and she easily succumbs to peer pressure, but she outside of that stuff she's a massive sweetheart. I'm not sure what happened between being the best thing to have happened to her (her words) to suddenly just being done with me. I wish she was able to give her side of the story so you can get an equal understanding of the situation, but all we have to go by is my accord and records. Frankly, we had plenty more good times than bad, a lot more good, but when I started to show some resistance and started asking for assistance, that's when she started to change. One morning she was completely happy with me, the next she was unhappy and couldn't be with me anymore.

March 5, 2016

This story really does affirm that Ptsd doesn't impede loving choices. Love yourself enough to stay away from this user. She is not long term viable.

Get back in a better regime. I cringe that such users exist and that you are supporting it.... Stop stepping in front of the bus... She'll harm and has ... more then helped you.

March 5, 2016

Let me ask a forward question! Will she ever accept me for who I am, forgive me and want to grow with me? I understand that I have some kinks in my system that need to be sorted out, but I feel like I'm a decent man. Will she ever realize that all I was trying to do was give her something in which she never had and that I loved her with all my heart? I'm applying the no contact rule and giving her time to get over this, but it damn sure sucks being shut out by her like I was the worst person to ever come into her life.

March 5, 2016

Sure, she engages in marijuana usage, but I wouldn't label her as a user, not by an abusive standpoint anyways. We all have our things. There are plenty of people who drink alcohol every day, more than they should and yet it's viewed as acceptable. Hardly. I can't hold her wanting to smoke pot over her head. At least she didn't come home every damn day and turning straight to the bottle. Her usage of pot doesn't make her a bad person or an abuser. I just think she has a hard time with stress and that's her avenue of copping.

March 5, 2016

All that you are asking of her... Is really something you need to do for yourself. Be your own best friend.... Stop turning your empowerment over to what she thinks... You truly have a good heart.

She is a user. I know, Its something us recovery folks can view with non judgement yet realistic perspective.

March 5, 2016

I just feel terrible because it seems like I've made her out to be this horrible person. It was never my intent to bad mouth her or have judgment placed upon her. I merely wanted perspective on who I am and how to get her back.

March 5, 2016

I just feel terrible because it seems like I've made her out to be this horrible person. It was never my intent to bad mouth her or have judgment placed upon her. I merely wanted perspective on who I am and how to get her back.

How to get her back?

Continue to buy her what she wants, and even co-sign on a car for her and/or make the payments; get a house/apt/etc and allow her to have as many people over whenever; pay for her marijuana use and never complain about it; and, propose marriage to her.

Now that I read your response I apologize, this girl does indeed have a lot to offer and am glad you're able to see that in her.

March 5, 2016

Well, she's the one that's not come around for a talk about the mall incident and isn't letting you work things out. About all you can do is say "We need to talk."

She is only 22, so I'm not worried about her hanging with friends or pot. That's what you do at that age, socialize and have a good time. You probably are not going to be able to get her to stop doing that anytime soon. It's normal. It's not normal to settle down at age 22, not really.

You sound like a nice guy and I don't think this is about you or some deficit of yours. I just think she may be feeling pressure from you to be more settled down than she's old enough to want to be. You some people that age are, but really not many.

If she doesn't want to sit down and talk, you can't force her. Give her some time to respond. If she doesn't, take your badass self back out there and find someone new. Good luck.

March 6, 2016

I get it, she's not exactly the definition of perfect, but I understand that and I accept her for that. I've started the no contact rule after the whole mall incident. My only question is, how can she go from telling me I'm the best thing to ever have happened to her to shutting me out and blocking me in just a matter of days from one another? I know she loved me, but that isn't what you do to someone whom you love and who cares about you.

March 6, 2016

see ... you answered your own dilema. A loving person doesn't do this.

March 8, 2016

That hurts. It's honestly very heartbreaking especially as I love her more than I could describe.

March 8, 2016

She may just be still too immature to handle it. Guessing with your background, you have a little more life experience than she does. I hope things work out for you. But if she can't communicate and at least try to work things out, you know, that's a cornerstone of having a lasting relationship.

March 8, 2016

Hello, Troop!

I'm also PTSD, but from Desert Storm and Shield time. I can tell you, you will probably come out of it. Don't be afraid to try different medications they can help. You're exercising which helps, you need to eat right and eat frequently. Get on a schedule. Get enough rest/sleep.

And you need to avoid stress. I know I'm going to sound like an old biddy to many, but if pot is illegal where you live, this chick is and news.

I don't think you're processing what you're telling us. She's 22 and mature for her age. Yet, she breaks the law because she's an addict and she just can't seem to use her paycheck to pay bills. Mature? Bravo uniform Lima Lima Sierra hotel India tango. She a gold digger and you just can't see it.

It isn't loving behavior that she exhibits. Smoking pot around someone who doesn't care for it and blowing her check on whatever she wants because you will pick up the rest of the tab and provide a soft place to land is not behavior that is good in the short or long term.

You are not damaged goods. You don't need to be with someone more messed up than you are.

Good luck. Move on from this one. You deserve better. Don't put yourself in a position to be a doormat.

March 8, 2016

People say move on and you'll get over it, all the damn time. Belive me, I'm not trying to retaliate with any anger to these replies, but it just isn't that easy, you know. People don't seem to understand what they're saying when they say to move on and youll get over it. That "It" is a person and being in love with someone isn't as easy to overcome as one might think. I get it, I've personified her as some troublesome, pot addict, but that's my fault for skipping over all the good things she's done. I appreciate what all of you are saying, but she isn't here to defend her side of the story and it hurts to see people labeling her as something without knowing her. I didn't expect judgmental comments towards her, merely myself as I, too am not one without faults or wrongdoings.

March 8, 2016

She may just be still too immature to handle it. Guessing with your background, you have a little more life experience than she does. I hope things work out for you. But if she can't communicate and at least try to work things out, you know, that's a cornerstone of having a lasting relationship.

I completely agree. Relationships won't last if you keep giving up when things go wrong and you can't expect people to immediately change something that they are working on. She wanted me to stop being so harmful to myself and honestly I was trying, I told her the one thing to help calm me down is to just talk to me. She didn't, she just shutdown on me when things got rough. She left me because I wasn't able to change in a month.

March 8, 2016

I'm really sorry. I am so impressed with you that despite going through what you are, you are still strong enough to try to keep someone close. I was so screwed up during my seige of depression and PTSD that I wasn't seeing people unless they convinced me they needed me for something. And I am a strong person, or was. I just couldn't pile on any more emotions from being around people and I was full of rage, too. It's hard not to go off on people. Exercise (I'm a woman and I did easy water aerobic bottle boxing) did help my body with the stress at least, if not my mind.

She simply isn't well seasoned enough with age and experience to understand how to keep a relationship going, much less what is going on inside you. I have to tell you, my dog was invaluable to me during my bad years. We kind of saved each other.

March 8, 2016

I'm really sorry. I am so impressed with you that despite going through what you are, you are still strong enough to try to keep someone close. I was so screwed up during my seige of depression and PTSD that I wasn't seeing people unless they convinced me they needed me for something. And I am a strong person, or was. I just couldn't pile on any more emotions from being around people and I was full of rage, too. It's hard not to go off on people. Exercise (I'm a woman and I did easy water aerobic bottle boxing) did help my body with the stress at least, if not my mind.

She simply isn't well seasoned enough with age and experience to understand how to keep a relationship going, much less what is going on inside you. I have to tell you, my dog was invaluable to me during my bad years. We kind of saved each other.

I understand what you're saying, love. I'm trying to apply your advice as I'm trying to give her time. It's been two months since I've last said anything to her. The last I heard she was saying things about knowing her worth and giving people discounts/not giving up easily on someone and if I cut you off, it's probably because you deserved it. Of course these are things that anyone could say out of hurt. However if these do apply to me or are regarded solely at me then that would be extremely disheartening and hurtful. Yeah, I'm ashamed of myself for my behavior and trying to change her to fit my ideals of how life should be lived, but it didn't mean that I ever stopped loving her.

I'm hoping that time will open her eyes and she will see me for the man who loves her. I wonder every damn day if she ever misses me.

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Veteran with PTSD, Will my ex comeback after a breakup

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