AMJ Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I'm sorry but that's not statutory rape. I live in Canada where the age of consent is 16. And might I add, he didn't know I was 16 when we first met. It is in the US. You said the party was in Pittsburg, assumed you lived here. Either way, you were a child and he was an adult.
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 What you're describing is more like prostitutes. Yes, I'd have a huge problem with prostitutes versus strippers. There's a huge difference between watching and sticking a dildo into someone. Private strippers - anything is possible. 2
Author JusttMe Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 It is in the US. You said the party was in Pittsburg, assumed you lived here. Either way, you were a child and he was an adult. How we met and at what age we met is irrelevant to this issue, as I stated right off the bat on my first post. So do not bring up the fact that I met him when I was 16 and he was 25.
Spikiera Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 It is a bachelors party, I personally don't think it is a big deal at all. His friend is getting married, the boys want to go out and have some fun. It's a one night thing. And you will get over it as time goes by. Thing is, if this is a deal breaker for you, a lot of the guys you date in the future will do exactly the same thing if not worse. You might have to ask them in the beginning whether they would want a stripper at a bachelors party lol. You are still so young and your mentality will change too as time goes by.
hippychick3 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I wasn't really reacting to you, but OP. If you and your boyfriend have an agreement about strippers, then you're in the right relationship. If my post made you laugh, great! This entire thread made me laugh because I think getting mad about strippers is ridiculous. The point is, OP and her boyfriend have different views of what's appropriate regarding strippers. So she's not in the right relationship. She wants him to change who he is. I said, she should find a guy who doesn't care about seeing strippers, and I've mentioned that I know plenty of guys who are mature and past that point in their lives where paying money to see a stranger's boobs is not worthwhile. Ah, well you quoted me when you wrote that post so I assumed it was to me! At least we agree that OP is in the wrong relationship. That's definitely a subject that requires both people to be on the same page about.
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 How we met and at what age we met is irrelevant to this issue, as I stated right off the bat on my first post. So do not bring up the fact that I met him when I was 16 and he was 25. It is relevant. Because even though you are an adult now, you weren't when you met. He made a bad decision then regarding sex. He's continuing to make bad decisions. It's relevant because it's the 1st step in a pattern. That is what we are trying to get you to see, or at least that is what my starting point was. 4 years later he still make rotten choices. How many more years are you going to let him do this? If you stick around & then it's HIS bachelor party, what exactly do think is going to go on then, when he's the groom to be? Remember, here the Groom didn't want the private strippers (a/k/a hookers). Your BF insisted. What's he going to want when it's his "last night of freedom?" 2
AMJ Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 It is relevant. Because even though you are an adult now, you weren't when you met. He made a bad decision then regarding sex. He's continuing to make bad decisions. It's relevant because it's the 1st step in a pattern. That is what we are trying to get you to see, or at least that is what my starting point was. 4 years later he still make rotten choices. How many more years are you going to let him do this? If you stick around & then it's HIS bachelor party, what exactly do think is going to go on then, when he's the groom to be? Remember, here the Groom didn't want the private strippers (a/k/a hookers). Your BF insisted. What's he going to want when it's his "last night of freedom?" Yeah...any 25 year old who would date and sleep with a 16 year old is a giant creep. I briefly dated a 21 year old when I was 16. He wanted to come to one of my high school dances, My parents flipped the F out. As soon as this guy was at my dance, realizing he was back in high school, he wanted to leave. It is not normal for a guy that old to want to be with a child. Since OP is defensive about this, it suggests that she knows there's a bigger issue there. How did you guys meet, anyway? How does a 25 year old man meet a 16 year old girl? When I was that age I only hung out with other teenagers. 1
maysj18 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I would never be okay my boyfriend going to a strip club. Period. I make sure this is clear from the beginning, but I have never dated someone who even went to strip clubs. I'm not attracted to the types that would (partiers, frat boys, etc.). What you've mentioned is something that would end my relationship in heartbeat. Aside from the blatant disrespect to me, I couldn't be with anyone who could disrespect women like that. It's also very well known that a lot of times the groom ends up getting laid, so yeaaaah. Not saying this happens at all bachelor parties, but I know a couple girls who used to do private parties and they told me horror stories. You were so young when you got together that you've had to develop your boundaries based on what your boyfriend does. You never had the chance to really assess how YOU, on your own, feel about things. These aren't small issues and you really need to own how it makes you feel. If you're cool with it, okay, but if you're not then stand by that. I'm 25 and so it's not like I don't have any experience. Sure, it may seem like it's hard to find people that agree with you on things relating to sex, but you just have to grow a thick skin because it's one of the most important aspects of a relationship. The older I get, the more I meet like-minded people (men included). Message me if you need to talk <3 1
Author JusttMe Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Yeah...any 25 year old who would date and sleep with a 16 year old is a giant creep. I briefly dated a 21 year old when I was 16. He wanted to come to one of my high school dances, My parents flipped the F out. As soon as this guy was at my dance, realizing he was back in high school, he wanted to leave. It is not normal for a guy that old to want to be with a child. Since OP is defensive about this, it suggests that she knows there's a bigger issue there. How did you guys meet, anyway? How does a 25 year old man meet a 16 year old girl? When I was that age I only hung out with other teenagers. If you must know, when we first started going out it was casual and we both were not looking for a relationship. Just some fun. I led him to believe I was older than I was (19) and that is why he consented. If he knew I was 16 he never would have gotten involved with me. We started developing feelings and getting attached to each other and as soon as that happened, I told him the truth and we decided to give it a try. Four years down the road, (despite this issue I am currently facing) we're doing really well.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I have to agree with some of the others questioning your boyfriend's overall judgement, both regarding the age when you met and this current issue. It is very relevant, OP. I'm Canadian too and age of consent or not, I'd be damned if some 25-year-old were hitting up my 16-year-old daughter. It doesn't matter if he'd already fallen for you by the time you revealed your true age. I think this demonstrates that he doesn't possess responsible decision-making skills. This also factors into the current situation. He knows you weren't comfortable with what happened, and you have every right to draw that boundary. I think a lot of women wouldn't love the idea of two naked women grinding on their boyfriends in a private hotel room. All you can do now is decide whether this is a big enough issue for you to continue to this relationship or not. 3
smackie9 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 This is a turning point in your relationship. You (and I agree too) that even if it's for fun, being touched by another sexual is disrespectful to your partner. He doesn't see anything wrong with it......this is where your BF's values are at and he isn't going to change in that aspect. Your opinion doesn't matter...again disrespect. He is what he is.....so you either sweep it under the rug, because to him this subject is now closed, or you step back and take a real hard look at where you want to be in 5 years. I doubt it will be with him. 1
KatZee Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Who here commenting has actually seen one of these sex shows? I have, it's not innocent. It was actually the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. The stripper gave all the guys in he party a dildo and they put it in their pants. They took turns banging her in the V and the A. They were holding the dildo and their fingers were all over her bits. If it was my husband I would have left him at the alter. How is being a part of and watching a sex show not cheating? Come on guys, you all know the way strippers make the real cash is by doing party favours after. What he has told you is probably 1/10th the truth. No way I could handle my BF watching a lesbian sex show in person. Party or not. This. I saw a comment from someone on here how the bride of the groom is obviously OK with this, so why should OP have a problem and be "that girlfriend"? I'm willing to bet 110% the bride-to-be has absolutely not ONE CLUE about what went on at that party. Dudes are loyal to each other. To a fault. Years ago when I was with my ex, they did a few bachelor parties together since they were all getting engaged. My boyfriend at the time told me the dirty stuff that was going on in the strip clubs. Us girls got together, and I flat out heard the bride-to-be say, "Oh he told me they didn't go to any strip clubs they were too gross." I had just been on the phone with my boyfriend as he was telling me about all the personal private dances the groom was getting!! They all kept buying him dances one right after the other. I know for a fact that every guy they had a bachelor party for, cheated on their soon-to-be wife. Cute, right? And the women had no clue. I don't trust strip clubs, strippers, or that entire situation. Having a naked women grind up on a hard dick of a man until he cums, that's in a relationship? Cheating. It doesn't make it "not cheating" because he paid for it. It means he paid for a hooker and cheated. Period. 4
Poutrew Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 The only truthful thing your guy told you was how much he likes strippers, and how much he wants to have strippers for his bachelor party, and how he will have strippers no matter what... do you see a common theme here? Strippers. Strippers...He did not tell you the truth concerning what actually transpired at this party. But you can make a pretty accurate assumption. Sex. Men are hardwired for it. When they get it, their mind locks onto it like a shark smelling blood. Do not think for one moment that he was lying on a bed with two strippers on top of him fiddling with his erection through his underwear and nothing else happened. If you choose to stay with this guy, just know that this issue will keep appearing throughout your relationship. Unfortunately, you will probably only become aware of it when he gives you Herpes or something worse he picked up from one of his stripper friends....
joseb Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I will just offer up my experiences of strippers in these situations. What your bf described regarding his "dance" is typical. Normally the best man gets some attention like this for a couple of minutes. I wouldn't even call it very sexual. The last time I was at one both the groom and best man had pretty nasty bruises from getting slapped with a belt. Your boyfriend told you about it, which is what is causing the problem. I'm pretty sure all the married/coupled guys at the last party I was act would have told their partners how it was just watching (if they even admitted any strippers were involved at all )
PacMann87 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 The fact that your BF was so transparent about what was going to happen at the bachelor party, what actually happened there, etc is proof that he's not trying to do shady stuff behind your back and make it seem like nothing happened or lie about it. He's actually guilty of being too honest with you. He should've known that there was no way you were gonna be happy with two strippers grinding naked on top of him. So he's an idiot for telling you the brutal details. Sometimes it's best to just tell your partner what they need to know and hold back the stuff that is just going to hurt them or piss them off. However, the question you need to ask yourself... Is whether you want a boyfriend who is brutally honest with you and tells you things that he knows will even upset you just because he wants to be transparent and not lie to you or do things behind your back...... Or if you want to stay in the dark about certain things and have a don't ask don't tell arrangement. When another one of his friends gets married and he goes to their Bachelor party... Would you feel better if he told you they went to a hockey game and had a few beers at the casino? When in fact they went to a strip club and got a VIP room where anything could've happened. What you should do is tell him this..... You took it like a champ and dealt with the bachelor party he did for his best friends because he was the best man at his wedding. That's a special circumstance and you were able to push down your negative feelings about it and didn't complain or not let him go. However, you flat out tell him that if he thinks he's going to be going to every bachelor party and every strip club/wild scene that goes with it for every single one of his friends or the weddings he's invited to, then he's crazy and you're not gonna put up with it. If he loves you he will agree to the compromise and not be selfish enough to deem bachelor party shenanigans mkre valuable or important than you and your relationship. If he puts up a argument to that, then just say "ok if that's what you wanna do and you need to have strippers giving you lap dances , then every party of these you go to, I'm going to go to the male strip club, or wildest bar/club in town with the friends of mine who are single. I'm not gonna cheat on you... But I'm going to put myself in the same situation you're putting yourself in. So when Destiny is grinding all up on you, maybe you can wonder who at the bar is trying to dance with me or buy me a drink" 2
road Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 The problem is not strippers. The problem is not the nine year age difference. The problem is she told him no. His actions said I don't care mama don't allow no stripper playin' round here. OP has a choice to let him have one more chance and if he acts disrespectful again dump him, or dump him now. Some may think what her BF did is ok. Though that does not make it wrong for the OP to not accept that behavior. Her values and morals are hers and she has every right to have them and live by them. 1
PogoStick Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 There is a real misunderstanding here. The bachelor party isn't about women and sex. It's about male bonding. It's the modern western equivalent of the African tribesman enduring a painful tattoo or some other rite of passage. The groom is the chief, and as best man, he is #2. Once the strippers decided to take the best man, he has no real option to refuse. You may think it's about boys being boys, but it's much deeper. Women maintain strong social circles their entire lives (it's something they can take for granted) but the male tribe has largely disappeared by post-schooling. It's a serious problem. Women who care about their men would care about this issue. You're asking him to forsake his friends, his tribe, a most important symbol in a man's life. By comparison, he views the strippers as meaningless. They're barely even people, they're props for the ritual. Having a problem with the strippers and the process is CHOOSING to view it in the wrong context. In fact it's selfish for the woman, turning male bonding into "me! me! me!".
morrowrd Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) I don't understand why it's such a "have to have" to provide strippers at a bachelor party. As a man, I know it's so obvious that the female body is beautiful and amazing, yet I'm not really interested in strippers, personally. One of the big themes right now is "to have and to hold" - part of what a wedding and marriage is all about. Your boyfriend however, thinks it's all in fun, nobody probably plans on cheating with the strippers, the whole reason for them is a "last hoorah" with his buddies doing something naughty, and off limits (assumingly) after the wedding is over. To soften the edge, know I have known about a few cases where the bride-to-be had a bachlorette party complete with male strippers so this isn't just a male thing, it's a cultural thing. Personally, I have never found this to be respectable tradition, yet whether or not it's harmful to the relationship comes down to knowing the character of the person you're with. Do they flirt alot? Are they addicted to porn? Are they respectful to you and the relationship? If the answers are good, then I wouldn't worry about it. Voice your opinion, and see what happens. If it were me, and you were my girlfriend and stated the strippers made you insecure, I'd give those feelings the respect they deserve, and come to a compromise. Try it and see what happens.... don't downplay yourself though. You count. Edited March 5, 2016 by morrowrd
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