6 1/2 year relationship, broke 6 months NC. OUCH!!!!

[The_Dork_Lard]

Hello all,

 

This is my first post, but I'm no stranger to break-up sites because about 10 years ago I had a break-up which affected me worse than bereavement from death. I'll never forget that. I was off work for the first 6 weeks, I was crippled... but anyway, I got over that (it took a year!) and here I am again, but a different woman, and a different break-up this time.

 

 

I want to keep this short enough so not to bore any readers, but I also need to give some background context before I write about the problem which brings me here. Long(ish) post alert!

 

Context

 

I'd been seeing my ex on and off for 6 1/2 years, and this relationship ended abruptly, in an instant, in late July 2015 (so slightly over 7 months ago). I was 30 when we met, and I met her 6 months before I was due to start a 4 year degree as a mature student. This, coupled with 66 miles of distance between us meant we saw each other every other weekend - which suited us both, and gave us space to lead our own lives. This wasn't a problem, and isn't the problem.

 

 

 

She was an intensely sexual person, a '50 orgasms per night' kind of girl, and the relationship hinged a lot on sex as well as friendship. I've NEVER come remotely close to having such amazing sexual experiences with anybody as I had with her, and she felt the same. Sometimes sex would be so intense that we used to melt into each other to such a point, that my brain often momentarily couldn't distinguish between me and her - I felt we were one, as cheesy as that sounds. We learnt a lot from each other, and some of her bodily pleasures were brought out by her relationship with me. We lived out every sexual fantasy of ours. Her spirit was like no other. She had a great sense of humour, a mostly laid back temperament, and I cared for her a lot.

 

 

But it was often stormy, and this was due to my sex drive being lower than hers, and me being obligated to satisfy her sexual needs all the time. I believe this is how she validated herself as a person. She once told me I should have sex even when I don't want to, and that by not doing so I'm abusing her - these were the points at which I'd break it off for a couple of months. It was an on/off relationship, a game of cat and mouse, and this is where some of the appeal lay. My friends all thought we'd be on and off forever.

 

 

So we broke up in the last few days of July 2015. I'd worked 60 hour weeks (12 hour nightshifts) for 2 months and saved every penny of that overtime to take her away for a 3 day break for her 40th birthday. She didn't have to lift a finger because I'd planned, researched, and booked everything. I was doing all the driving, and I'd bought and made some personalised presents for her too and gave them to her after midnight. However, my sex drive is either extremely high, or completely dead, and when it's completely dead nothing puts me in the mood. This particular weekend it was completely dead, probably off the back of working so hard to take her away. I was exhausted. So we had very little sex. I think this is more normal than most of us believe. Besides, we weren't teenagers in the first flush of lust; we were middle aged folk approaching 7 years together!

 

 

When we got back I dropped her off, and for the first time ever she was incredibly distant from me, and didn't hug me as I left to go home. It's not the lack of hug that bothered me, it was the meaning behind it - she'd NEVER been that way before. I got home, text her to say I was home safely, and what happened next stunned me. I received a barrage of texts denigrating me for not making love to her in the manner she expected. Other texts were saying things such as "this has flicked a switch in my mind, I don't want to ever be with you intimately again", I was floored! I couldn't believe it, I just couldn't believe it. This was like a Jekyll and Hyde type thing. I'd spent months working and saving to show her I cared for her, hours and hours looking and booking restaurants, hotels, and sourcing presents, and she seemed oblivious to that.

 

 

 

I was so stunned, and to say 'disappointed' is an understatement, that I couldn't, and didn't reply to her. I thought "ok, I've clearly been dumped, so stay away". Which is exactly what I did... for 6 months, during which I bought new tailored clothes (sharp as you like!), I'm writing a book, I've got 2 new worthwhile hobbies (discovering poetry and practicing card tricks!), strengthened existing friendships, begun weight training (although I've injured a deep muscle in my arm and have had to pause it before it properly began - but I'll be back on it soon), and have made a few plans for my career in the industry I'm in. I've saved thousands of pounds since I last saw her, and I've even had sexual encounters with a number of partners (although most were vacuous experiences). I've cut 90% of alcohol out of my life becoming almost teetotal, changed my diet for a super healthy one and feel BRILLIANT as a result, and though I've never been overweight, I lost about 8-10 lbs. In short, I didn't really feel much pain because I threw myself into a love affair with myself. I guess I had a rebound relationship with me, ha ha. So I did all the right things, and then some.

 

 

 

Current problem

 

I'm getting to the point now, thanks for reading this far, I know it's long.

 

 

So, during those 6 months the 1st month was filled with her texting and ringing. I ignored all of it, and thought "stay strong". I did then send 1 text telling her to stop contacting me, and that I will never speak to her again, and that's all I sent: just 1 very firm, very direct text, which she took badly. So the following month she stopped ringing, but sent a sprinkling of texts here and there. Then nothing for the 3rd month, but then I receive an isolated text asking me "hows life?" Then 2 more months of silence pass and during this time I looked at one or two of her online profiles at the 4 month mark in a slight moment of weakness, and saw direct, STRONG evidence she is having sex with several other men. This set me back a bit, but I recovered within a few weeks because I know how much of a nympho she is, and I'd never expect her to remain celibate. Plus, she literally did have men knocking on her door, as she was a UK size 6, blond, and leggy. So she had whole armies of men always giving her attention. Anyway, by the 5 month mark, a couple of days before new year's eve, I receive a text saying the same thing: "how's life?" I ignored it, and then received another text 12 hours later calling me a twat, which I also ignored. So by now, we're 5 months in to the breakup (the longest ever with her), and I've maintained no contact (except for the 1 direct text) for all this time. Another 5 weeks went by, until 8th Feb - 3 1/2 weeks ago. I happened to be in the place we met, I happened to be extremely horny, and feeling isolated and lonely. You know what I'm saying next, don't you? You guessed it: I contacted her. After 6 months of strong no contact, I phoned her, she didn't answer. It was a moment of weakness, of true vulnerability, a lot was at stake for me, but I'd calculated she'd welcome me with open arms. She text me quite quickly asking what's up, so I said "I need to see you about something". She said "Can't you talk to me over the phone?" So I said no, and that I need to see her in person. She replied "It's not a good idea", and I said "ok", it was left at that. Three hours later she text "What did you want to see me about", so I downplayed it and told her not to worry about it. She said "cool", and there was no more contact. The worst part was obsessively speculating about what she meant by 'it's not a good idea', and I concluded she's likely seeing somebody else. OUCH!!! OUCH EFFFING OUCH!!! That HURT!

 

 

So, BANG!!! after 6 months of taking the upper ground, being strong, moving on and being ok, the pain properly began for me. She's moved on, I think, and now I'm beginning to grieve... after 6 months delay. Wow, I didn't see that curveball coming. I think until that point I'd not believed it was over, even though we both told each other it was. Sub consciously I probably felt as if it was another manifestation of the cat and mouse thing. We ALWAYS got back together. We could never leave each other alone. I'm now beginning the process of actually accepting it really is over. Waiting by the phone, thinking about her all the time, craving her company, etc. I live alone, so the worst parts are those rainy midnights when my hobbies or films don't appeal, I'm burnt out from writing for the day, there's nobody to call because everybody's asleep, and I'm all alone, faced with nothing but the passage of time, imagining she's probably making love with somebody. How I resist drink in these times is beyond me, but luckily I do resist it.

 

 

 

So there I was trying to make sense of it all. Feeling weak, feeling embarrassed, feeling frustrated I'd handed all the power back to her, feeling bruised, feeling fallen and injured. Then, last Monday (2 weeks after my epic weak moment) she did indeed text me, to tell me some mutual acquaintance of ours in his 30s had died of a heart attack. We had our own language, a sort of slant on certain words, and she used this in the text, so she made it slightly personal and colloquial. I replied with the usual "sorry to hear that", and 1 or 2 innocuous, neutral texts were sent back and forth, and since then, nothing, and now I'm doing the whole waiting by the phone thing. BOLLOCKS TO THIS! I've written a long list of all her bad points, and on paper she sounds hideous. If I showed it to any man and said "fancy dating her, mate?", they'd laugh at me. It's like the whole E.U Brexit debate - if Britain wasn't in the E.U and were shown Europe as it currently exists, and then given the option to join, Britain would be like "NO THANKS LOL".

 

 

I don't know why I'm writing this. I think I'm looking for thoughts and opinions. I can't believe at my age (37) I'm obsessing about a woman who was completely unsuitable for me in most areas, and who discarded me like a piece of dirt after I'd bent over backwards to give her an amazing 40th birthday, and who might be keeping me as a fallback option. What's she doing by rejecting my offer of seeing her in person, but then texting me 2 weeks later, last week? Is she playing the bait game? Seeing if I respond? Or is she keeping me on the back burner as a fallback option? When she wants something, she wastes no time seeking it, so it's unusual for her to wait weeks between texts. She's normally in my face. Her aloofness is killing me, it's not like her.

 

 

This paragraph is the absolute crux of my problem and the true reason I'm posting this: I'm finding it almost impossible to accept that we will never see each other again. Despite our many differences, I LOVED being around her, with her, and inside her. I miss our friendship, our rapport, her sense of humour. She was a true wild card, very liberated, and never pressured me for marriage or kids, or anything like that. She's like a drug. It's the acceptance I'm having trouble with. This is like a death, except when somebody dies, they probably loved you in their heart. With break-ups, this isn't always the case. I cannot believe I'll never see her again when she was such a central part of my life for 6 1/2 years... all through my 30s, all through university, all through our sexual journey together. It ended so incredibly abruptly, unexpectedly, over a text. I think back, and there really were no signs that was about to happen. She did seem to switch off literally in a moment. That's a scary prospect when we enter new relationships: our partners can switch off in an instant, and you're left with a gaping hole of meaninglessness.

 

 

I don't know...

 

 

What do the good people of this site make of this? I need opinions and insights because my head is too muddled to gain a clear perspective, even though I know what you're going to say, because this is my 7th relationship, and possibly my 14th or 15th breakup. I know the score, I know the drill. It's weird, I guess I feel a need to be heard and understood, or to get it off my chest into the void, because I don't want to bore my friends with this. Some of them will listen to me all the time, and in others you can see they tire of it, or won't give me more than 5 minutes.

 

 

Before I receive the inevitable "man up" responses, I know, I know, that's what I'd been doing for those 6 months, I'd dramatically improved myself - from enduring several painful breakups over my life I'd finally nailed the art of manning up, really I had. I'm still continuing to do all those manly things, and I certainly haven't hit the bottle, nor let myself go. It's just, I had a moment of weakness 3 1/2 weeks ago fuelled by hormones, loneliness, and sentimentality at being in the location where we'd met. I thus find myself pained, heavily melancholic, and severely distracted since then. I'm only human, and susceptible to weak moments, one of which is the emotional aspect of this. I feel. Perhaps people here have nothing to say, which is ok, because if just one person learns something from this, then something positive will have come from it. In a nutshell, I was doing AWESOME for 6 months, and was becoming a real new man, and then dealt that progress a severe blow after 1 lousy text. Breaking 6 months of NC backfired on me, and I got sort of 'dumped' again.

 

 

 

For anybody thinking of contacting your ex, promise yourself some time before you do, because your desire may float away in that time, and you'll save yourself a lot of balls-ache. Don't make a spur of the moment decision like I did.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited March 4, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard

[Toodaloo]

I can tell you right now the whole sex thing is BS.

 

I have a high sex drive and I have never EVER spoken to my lovers the way she has with you.

 

She might be pretty and slim but she has left you feeling an idiot instead of a man.

 

Do not contact her again. It simply isn't worth it. Ignore all texts from her and do not answer them.

 

Think of it this way. One day she will be an old woman and old women are not pretty. She is already ugly on the inside so do you really want your old age to be spent with a skinny resentful hag? That is what is in the making.

 

Go find a girl who makes you smile instead. You will be happier, more secure and live longer.

[luck1978]

Interesting it sounds to me like you unwittingly have strung out the denial phase without realising you were doing it. We are often told to mourn the loss of the other person during a break up, but this has contradictions as we know fully well they are still alive. A more useful technique to practise is to mourn the loss of yourself - by this I mean the person you were when you with her/him. Accept that the version of yourself is not who you are now, you are now just you and nobody else, half becomes whole. You are not the person who was in that relationship, you are building yourself into someone better and stronger. The old version of you was happy to be in a toxic relationship the new you is not- mourn (or celebrate!) the loss of the old you and give yourself closure as you are the only person who can.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I can tell you right now the whole sex thing is BS.

 

I have a high sex drive and I have never EVER spoken to my lovers the way she has with you.

 

She might be pretty and slim but she has left you feeling an idiot instead of a man.

 

Do not contact her again. It simply isn't worth it. Ignore all texts from her and do not answer them.

 

Think of it this way. One day she will be an old woman and old women are not pretty. She is already ugly on the inside so do you really want your old age to be spent with a skinny resentful hag? That is what is in the making.

 

Go find a girl who makes you smile instead. You will be happier, more secure and live longer.

 

Thank you; you're right. I picture what life with her will be like in the future, and it fills me with dread. I like other people's perspectives, and your perspective on her is the same as many others': that she's ugly on the inside.

 

Interesting it sounds to me like you unwittingly have strung out the denial phase without realising you were doing it. We are often told to mourn the loss of the other person during a break up, but this has contradictions as we know fully well they are still alive. A more useful technique to practise is to mourn the loss of yourself - by this I mean the person you were when you with her/him. Accept that the version of yourself is not who you are now, you are now just you and nobody else, half becomes whole. You are not the person who was in that relationship, you are building yourself into someone better and stronger. The old version of you was happy to be in a toxic relationship the new you is not- mourn (or celebrate!) the loss of the old you and give yourself closure as you are the only person who can.

 

Thank you. This is a useful way to look at it, and puts a satisfying positive spin on things. That's a great way of looking at it.

[fireflywy]

You stressed sex a lot in your post and as such, I think the toughest part for you is withdrawing in knowing or feeling that PERHAPS she finally moved on.

 

Someone I know explained this well. Its kind of like going to a clothing store, trying on a shirt that is ho hum, being conflicted a bit about buying it, and finally deciding no and setting it aside. Then, before you walk away another customer picks it up and you think, "You know, now I WANT that shirt." I think the same thing often happens in the wake of relationships. The shirt, like the relationship, wasn't really THAT good or didn't fit right to begin with, but because someone else MAY buy it and try it, we feel the tug to make it fit into our style even if it doesn't. Even if you're successful in getting it back, you may only wear it once or twice before it collects cobwebs in a closet.

 

You DO need to grieve this now and go full NC without breaking it this time. It won't be easy because of the sexual side of your relationship and the subconcious playing in your mind about how good things were, how seemingly attractive she was, and comparing yourself to the "what if" scenarios of a mythical new man, but you WILL get over it in time if you stay steady and starting taking all of those AWESOME things you've achieved in the last six months and direct them in new directions. I'm sure if you do so that you'll be quite surprised at what you find waiting for you friend.

Edited March 5, 2016 by fireflywy

[The_Dork_Lard]

You stressed sex a lot in your post and as such, I think the toughest part for you is withdrawing in knowing or feeling that PERHAPS she finally moved on.

 

Someone I know explained this well. Its kind of like going to a clothing store, trying on a shirt that is ho hum, being conflicted a bit about buying it, and finally deciding no and setting it aside. Then, before you walk away another customer picks it up and you think, "You know, now I WANT that shirt." I think the same thing often happens in the wake of relationships. The shirt, like the relationship, wasn't really THAT good or didn't fit right to begin with, but because someone else MAY buy it and try it, we feel the tug to make it fit into our style even if it doesn't. Even if you're successful in getting it back, you may only wear it once or twice before it collects cobwebs in a closet.

 

You DO need to grieve this now and go full NC without breaking it this time. It won't be easy because of the sexual side of your relationship and the subconcious playing in your mind about how good things were, how seemingly attractive she was, and comparing yourself to the "what if" scenarios of a mythical new man, but you WILL get over it in time if you stay steady and starting taking all of those AWESOME things you've achieved in the last six months and direct them in new directions. I'm sure if you do so that you'll be quite surprised at what you find waiting for you friend.

 

Thank you for this post, that's a GREAT analogy!

 

I do tend to select romantic memories, and I keep evoking imagery from the good times, of which there were so many. But being a serial broken-upper (I just coined that term!) I've learnt that forcing myself to imagine the bad times often works very well towards changing my feelings, mood, and self-esteem.

 

For instance, I may think of the way she used to dance in the kitchen, or the way she used to laugh with tears in her eyes when I was being serious, but banged my head on a cupboard door. But in reality, she did nasty things. Once, we were in a 3 tiered shopping centre, and she just leaned over the top floor barrier and slowly let a large ball of spit fall from her mouth onto people below, which really affected my opinion of her. Or during those 6 months where I ignored all of her correspondence, I'd receive texts telling me she was in bed with other men with the same name as me. No apology for the way she treated me over her birthday, but instead cutting remarks about how intimate she is with other men. She'd look ugly snorting coke. She once stole a brand new pair of trainers from a changing room. I'd take her out to dinner, but she'd make no conversational effort, and we'd have nothing to say to each other. The vast intellectual and cultural disparity between us. Her fraudulent living of benefits whilst I pay taxes. She sounds like a teenager but she's 40 years old! I could give hundreds of examples, but my point is, I may remember how she danced and laughed, but thinking of her blatant disrespect often overrides that and helps me move on. But it's tough to do, and underneath it all I'm very low, and miss her laughter and our rapport so much. Even though the above examples make her sound awful, it's not enough to rationalise this away.

 

But anyway, thanks people, you're helping me feel better.

Edited March 5, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard

[fireflywy]

Thank you for this post, that's a GREAT analogy!

 

I do tend to select romantic memories, and I keep evoking imagery from the good times, of which there were so many. But being a serial broken-upper (I just coined that term!) I've learnt that forcing myself to imagine the bad times often works very well towards changing my feelings, mood, and self-esteem.

 

For instance, I may think of the way she used to dance in the kitchen, or the way she used to laugh with tears in her eyes when I was being serious, but banged my head on a cupboard door. But in reality, she did nasty things. Once, we were in a 3 tiered shopping centre, and she just leaned over the top floor barrier and slowly let a large ball of spit fall from her mouth onto people below, which really affected my opinion of her. Or during those 6 months where I ignored all of her correspondence, I'd receive texts telling me she was in bed with other men with the same name as me. No apology for the way she treated me over her birthday, but instead cutting remarks about how intimate she is with other men. She'd look ugly snorting coke. She once stole a brand new pair of trainers from a changing room. I'd take her out to dinner, but she'd make no conversational effort, and we'd have nothing to say to each other. The vast intellectual and cultural disparity between us. Her fraudulent living of benefits whilst I pay taxes. She sounds like a teenager but she's 40 years old! I could give hundreds of examples, but my point is, I may remember how she danced and laughed, but thinking of her blatant disrespect often overrides that and helps me move on. But it's tough to do, and underneath it all I'm very low, and miss her laughter and our rapport so much. Even though the above examples make her sound awful, it's not enough to rationalise this away.

 

But anyway, thanks people, you're helping me feel better.

 

You don't miss HER, you miss the idea of having those experiences with someone and she just happens to be your last point of reference. Continue to remind yourself of the negatives and move on.

 

Oh, and if you two were snorting coke, um... yeah I would clean that area of your life up.

[Downtown]

But it was often stormy.... This was like a Jekyll and Hyde type thing.

TDL, what does "often stormy" mean? Are you saying she often was moody, emotionally unstable, or prone to temper tantrums? I ask because, given your history of going through five full cycles of breakup/makeup with her before parting permanently, it is unclear what accounts for this unusually high number of B/M cycles. One possibility is that it was caused by semi-long-distance nature of the R/S itself, which can be hard to maintain when only meeting every other week.

 

Another possibility is that she is a moody person who cannot tolerate intimacy for sustained periods of time without feeling suffocated and controlled. If that is the case, it could explain why she was so comfortable with an every-other-weekend type of R/S for over six years.

[The_Dork_Lard]

TDL, what does "often stormy" mean? Are you saying she often was moody, emotionally unstable, or prone to temper tantrums? I ask because, given your history of going through five full cycles of breakup/makeup with her before parting permanently, it is unclear what accounts for this unusually high number of B/M cycles. One possibility is that it was caused by semi-long-distance nature of the R/S itself, which can be hard to maintain when only meeting every other week.

 

Another possibility is that she is a moody person who cannot tolerate intimacy for sustained periods of time without feeling suffocated and controlled. If that is the case, it could explain why she was so comfortable with an every-other-weekend type of R/S for over six years.

 

I've just revisited this thread to post an update, and though you posted this a month ago, this is the first time I've seen it.

 

By stormy, I mean, things would be ok, and then something I was or wasn't doing would bother her, and despite me trying to be reasonable and explain, she'd get really bitchy, vindictive, and nasty. She'd get angry a lot, and often at these times we'd break up for anything between 2 and 5 months. I think she used to bottle things up for a long time, then explode. The messed up thing about this is that though she perhaps bottled things up, there were no tell-tale signs. She'd be her usual self until she blew.

 

She couldn't tolerate NOT having intimacy for sustained periods. But for most of our relationship I couldn't do much about that being 66 miles away, and at university. She could never appreciate that I liked to better myself, and that university was a natural progression for me. She always just seemed to tolerate it rather than support it.

 

 

 

******************

 

Anyway, the reason I've revisited this thread today is to write about the last couple of days, it's cathartic, and as always, I welcome words of wisdom, comfort, criticism, or general thoughts. I feel deeply lonely, and the few close people I do have probably don't want to hear about it anymore.

 

After 9 months apart, and nearly 3 months since I broke no-contact, I've returned to a raw state. Today is the same as my worst day, which was mid March. Until the last week or two I'd been able to view pictures of her face without feeling pain. I was even able to masturbate to them pleasurably, without longing. But now just the thought of looking at them is painful. Until 5 or 6 weeks ago I was using a coffee mug she bought me. It was the last gift she bought me, just 2 days before we broke up. But I've had to stop using it. It's too painful.

 

I'm at a loss to explain today's sudden lapse back to my worst raw state, especially today. I'm at a loss to explain the sudden recent pain I feel at visual and material reminders (photos, coffee mug, etc). I've been doing well over the last month and noticed a slow progression through different emotions, through a seemingly linear(ish) grief process, and towards acceptance. But today thoughts of her are pounding my mind and all our nice memories keep flooding my mind. I can vividly hear her voice and her laugh. I keep crying like an old grandmother and I feel very embarrassed about that. All this despite strict no contact since I broke it in Feb. I haven't heard from her either.

 

This is not helped by the way it ended. It was so abrupt, and ended on her angry note. I'm wondering whether I should write her a letter, acknowledging both our failings, and wishing her good luck, so I can get that closure. I don't know. Part of me feels pride, and I know she'd love to know I'm not over her, so don't want to give her that satisfaction, plus I'm sure she'd disregard it anyway. But the mature part of me feels it's the right thing to do. On the other hand, I feel it will be still too painful for me to do that, especially as I keep returning to these raw states of turmoil.

[Downtown]

By stormy, I mean, things would be ok, and then something I was or wasn't doing would bother her, and despite me trying to be reasonable and explain, she'd get really bitchy, vindictive, and nasty. She'd get angry a lot, and often at these times we'd break up for anything between 2 and 5 months.

TDL, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, TDL.

[The_Dork_Lard]

TDL, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, TDL.

 

Thanks Downtown.

 

She exhibits a number of those mildly, but not enough of them strongly. I've had one girlfriend who I swear was the archetype of the BPD profile. My recent ex, though volatile at times, never made me feel the way the BPD girl did. Not by a million miles. The BPD ex was a roller-coaster ride like no other I've ever experienced, and it took me AGES to get over her.

 

My recent ex and I simply never saw eye to eye on things, and her maturity level was a lot of notches behind mine. She had a juvenile way of handling things, which I can only describe as stormy, accusatory, and sulky. The nearest she got to mental illness was fooling the doctors for her continued welfare payments... and it worked!

[NoLeafClover]

DorKlland, I too was with someone for 7 years and a bit. It scared me at 25-26 and after a year or so I contacted her out of "hornyness". (Im now 30 and laugh at this situation btw but at the time it was no joke.)

It is something I know exactly where you're coming front. It just happens then you feel terrible about it when you're back to normal.

In my case my ex of 7 yrs was the last thing I wanted to contact because I had feelings for her still. After the 1st contact I made and a few months after, we ended up hooking up.

 

Like you, I always thought of her but after hooking up I realized a lot of things....she was not who I had pictured when we were NC. She had probably hooked up with other guys, was a different person and mostly was not who I had pictures her to be ...this funny, loving person who knew me more than anyone else. I regret ever sending that text let alone sleeping with my ex.

Bad idea from all directions you look at it.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, you can try to do anything and flip this thing around but the fact will remain...things will not change, you might get together again, hook up for months until things stabilize and you'll end up breaking up again in a way or another...back you go to square one.

You might do what I did, text your ex, hook up to get the build up out...then feel terrible afterwards.

 

I think you have been on your own for a few months now that you miss that connection. As times goes by, you forget of the bad things with her and start to think of the fun times. It is a roller coaster ride but the more you think of her the more you'll drive yourself crazy.

I learned the hard way to block my exs. Like you, I would be looking at my phone hoping for a text like it was going to fix all the issues our relationship had. You have to learn to let her go, make up your mind things will never work out and fully move on. She has been with other guys, she is a woman and a sexual one at that. Don't look at it as something to be upset about. It doesn't make you less of a man than the other guys she's been with. Taking this in consideration, personally I would not be a able to see someone the same way knowing they slept with other people during a breakup.

 

The sooner you realize all these things, the sooner you'll be happy again.

The things she is doing btw, are breadcrumbs..she knows throwing a text here and there will also keep you on the hook and make you think of her...this is why I encourage you to block her number and not get any of her texts.

Also, the whole thing with pleasing her whenever she needs it is abusive. To me, that's no different than dating someone who is controlling and clingy. You should never be with someone like that to start off with. What kind of expectation is that? ..and to break up over something like that..That's terrible.

 

It is a lost cause whichever way you put. Drop her and date others. I have been single for almost 2 years and I have been the happiest I've ever been tbh. Date whenever you want, go out with and whenever you want, noone to answer to and follow up with. I even cut off a 24 yr old family friends were trying to hook me up with. Being single isn't that just takes time to get used to.