bretowen Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Hey everyone. I need some advice. I’ve been with my fiancé for about two years now. The relationship is fine but I do however feel tremendously unappreciated, and a lot of the time, “part of the furniture” to her. As background, she is very career driven, and has two kids from previous marriage. As a result there is a lot that requires attention. As a man I stepped up the plate early on and basically do everything I can for her. And I do mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. This is in an effort to help her, and take the strain off. This includes preparing dinner every night, helping the kids with homework, driving them to school, sorting out the house, etc. The list goes on. I try to show her often that I love her. I picked her up from the airport last night with roses in hand (well, I actually try to bring her flowers weekly), regularly do little things for her like run her a bath, bring her tea in bed in the morning, prepare breakfast for her in bed, and again, the list goes on. Now, I recently started feeling a little unappreciated when I let my thoughts drift to the last time she made effort for me. It dawned on me…6 months into our relationship was the last time I felt she showed appreciation, or made me feel appreciated. Like mentioned, we are at the 2 year mark now. Now, I don’t mean some grand gesture…I mean something “insignificant” such as a cup of tea on a Saturday morning. Nothing in ages. It is starting to really grind my gears as I am starting to feel that I am the only one that puts in effort into “us”, and to make my partner feel special. The favor or gesture is never returned. How would I go about discussing this with her? Any pointers?
Mrin Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Have you ever heard of the love languages? I could put a butchered version here but this is a better short synopsis. Take a look: How the Five "Love Languages" Can Help You Win at Relationships You're definitely Acts of Service as your primary language for expression. What do you like to receive? It also seems like Acts of Service but you tell me. Now - what's hers? Do you know? That might be a really great way to have this conversation. 4
PegNosePete Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Yep, was going to say the same as Mrin. You judge "appreciation" based on acts of service and the lack of them tells you that she doesn't appreciate you. But how does she express herself to you? If you were to ask her she might say but I tell you I love you every day, how can you not feel appreciated?? Or, but I provide a stable income for our family, how can you not feel appreciated? Etc. You're expecting her appreciation for you, to manifest in the same way in which you show yours to her. It may be that it's manifesting in a different way (and in fact she may also feel unappreciated if she's expecting yours to manifest in a different way!). Or she might just be ungrateful and taking you for granted.... but really it's worth thinking/discussing the first option, first. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I would second that. It really is a fantastic book and very much an eye opener. She may think that she is showing you ways that she loves you but you may not be seeing them if that makes sense. Great way to discover how to make your partner happier and also yourself! 1
preraph Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I think you basically tell her what you've told us. Tell her you've been doing your best to support her and be appreciative of her and feel you are getting none of that in return lately. Listen, this is a common complaint of housewives, being taken for granted, like everyone in the family feels entitled to being served like little princes and princesses. It's a thankless task. You should talk to her about it and tell her you make extra efforts to please but are losing your motivation to do so. Good luck. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) Out of Reality -- The things that you believe are important for you to give or do for your partner may not actually match his or her expectations. They may be a carryover from your earlier relationships or the way that you saw your parents behave. Sometimes we blame our partners for things that we believe we have to do, but which they never asked us to do. This is a communication issue. It's time to stop guessing what he/she appreciates and really find out. Doing to much -- People mainly do too much when they are trying “earn” love. But, love cannot be earned by doing things which make us resent our spouses. Giving and doing are great when they are motivated by our love. If we try to get love by doing and giving, we come to expect a certain love “payoff” for our work. When we don’t get it, our love for our partner decreases. If we then work even harder to try to get our love payoff, we just create a vicious cycle. We end up doing more and more and loving less and less. Eventually, our feelings of love will be gone. Cut back -- Learn how to decrease your load and how to say "no" to your partner in a way that builds the relationship. You will make your day easier as well as get more respect from your partner. Saying "no" is positive when it builds your relationship. Sometimes it is one of the most loving things you can do. Ask for more rather than working for more. -- Asking your partner for what you want in a way which is neither needy nor argumentative can increase your spouse's desire to do more for you. "You know, Name, I love you and want to do as much as I can to help you. Right now, I need something from you, would you make me a cup of tea. I'm feeling worn out". It’s great to make her breakfast or do similar things once in a while, but doing this too much, simply makes it expected, routine, etc. All I’m saying, is you’re putting too much on yourself. Communicate with her about what it is she really needs and wants from you. Then whatever you do do for her is really what she needs and you’re giving quality not quantity. You’ll be less stressed and resentful. Edited March 4, 2016 by Redhead14
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Now, I recently started feeling a little unappreciated when I let my thoughts drift to the last time she made effort for me. It dawned on me…6 months into our relationship was the last time I felt she showed appreciation, or made me feel appreciated. Like mentioned, we are at the 2 year mark now. Now, I don’t mean some grand gesture…I mean something “insignificant” such as a cup of tea on a Saturday morning. Nothing in ages. How is her participation in your sexual relationship? Mr. Lucky
Gloria25 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 While yes, her kids should be her priority, sounds like she's doing the typical thing women do - which is to put their man on the back burner.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I think you basically tell her what you've told us. Tell her you've been doing your best to support her and be appreciative of her and feel you are getting none of that in return lately. Listen, this is a common complaint of housewives, being taken for granted, like everyone in the family feels entitled to being served like little princes and princesses. It's a thankless task. You should talk to her about it and tell her you make extra efforts to please but are losing your motivation to do so. Good luck. This pretty much sums it up. Tell her your needs. You can still do the kind and helpful things but she certainly needs to give back to you instead of her doing all the taking and not appreciating you.
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