smackie9 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I see you are still struggling with taking accountability because her reaction is making things confusing for you. This is partly because of your mental illness. Nothing will ever make any sense until you seek out a good therapist and possibly some drug therapy. If you have addressed this with a therapist, then maybe this therapist isn't the right one for you. Not all therapists are the same.
SunBird Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Of course you are not a bad person. It's not surprising that you are going to have all kinds of feelings. None of us can explain how we feel sometimes, it just happens. Life is surprising and I am sure she did not plan or expect to meet someone else. There is no way of knowing what is going on with her. It may be that she has moved on too quickly and that was not a good move for her - But you don't need to worry about her actions or choices, and you certainly cant second guess the truth. All you can do is look after yourself, try not to give yourself a hard time. Listen to how you feel and honor it. There are no right or wrong answers, just 'how it is'. I read an article that had a great analogy of trying to scoop out and hold on to the water in the river around you and carry it around with you like a great weight, rather than letting the water (life) flow by. But all the advice in the world on here is just words. I know what it is like to look for answers, to want to solve it. Just have faith. Things will be great again, you will feel good again and you will meet someone. As another writer wrote - you are doing all the right things. Can't recommend dance and yoga highly enough by the way! I do both of those things. 1
Miss Peach Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Stay away from her, stay away from her family. She says you were abusive. Listen to that and look at that. Abuse isn't just smacking a person about. It can take many forms. Work on resolving those issues before you date then you may have better luck next time. I've been involved in abusive situations and know many others in these situations. It can take many forms - it's not just hitting. It's usually linked more to entitlement and control. According to Lundy Bancroft (who is very experienced with running abuser programs and knows abuse dynamics) when a woman says she has been abused she usually has. Yes, there are false allegations out there. But statistically speaking the number is very high (90%ish if I remember correctly) that abuse did occur.
Toodaloo Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I've been involved in abusive situations and know many others in these situations. It can take many forms - it's not just hitting. It's usually linked more to entitlement and control. According to Lundy Bancroft (who is very experienced with running abuser programs and knows abuse dynamics) when a woman says she has been abused she usually has. Yes, there are false allegations out there. But statistically speaking the number is very high (90%ish if I remember correctly) that abuse did occur. Where exactly did I say she was not abused? Read my post again. If you also read further down you will see that OP was brave enough to start opening up and talking about what he did. Now we know he has issues that need to be sorted. Perhaps you could be more constructive in pointing him in the right direction to get help with his problems that caused his to lash out so it doesn't happen with the next girlfriend...
Author Marco Pierre Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I've been involved in abusive situations and know many others in these situations. It can take many forms - it's not just hitting. It's usually linked more to entitlement and control. According to Lundy Bancroft (who is very experienced with running abuser programs and knows abuse dynamics) when a woman says she has been abused she usually has. Yes, there are false allegations out there. But statistically speaking the number is very high (90%ish if I remember correctly) that abuse did occur. Hhhmmm I do recall her saying similar things of her ex though of 5 years ago. I have met him and by all acounts he seems a decent lad. She had hit me before now and broken a box over my head while I was sleeping lol. I would never hurt her, although I did scare her when I lost my temper. She was the one who always wanted to know where I was, checking my phone and controlling behavior of that sorts. I threw her out when i discovered she had been texting another lad completely over reacted and called her some didgusting names and said some hurtful things. But she gives as good as she gets. Shes from the Welsh mountains she can hold her own. Is thid abuse? The worry that I really did this to the girl i love is killing me. I cant beleive it I think she is using it as a coping device and to seek sympathy as the last time we broke up they said they wouldnt help her again if she came back to me, which she did. My only explanation is she exaggerated for sympathy then began to beleive her own BS. She always was somewhat of a pathological lier
Toodaloo Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Abuse is still abuse. It is never acceptable - ever. We are not talking about your job now. We are talking about your home, your sanctuary. That is the place where people should feel safe, comfortable and happy. Clearly neither of you were. Instead of giving it back you should have just ended it (for your own sanity as well) and walked away. You allowed this relationship to descend into a quagmire of petty "get you backs" and "he said she said". Time to let go. Re-evaluate your own behaviour, sort out your issues and choose better next time. My ex didn't once lay a hand on me. He did however subject me to some very cruel emotional and financial abuse. Believe you me it will never be forgotten. The story is not a happy one nor did he show me any "love" or "care". Learn how to be a better man.
preraph Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Look, just because you are abusive and OCD doesn't make anyone say she's a saint either. But you can't change her. You can only work on you. Bottom line is you crossed a big line and showed NO respect for her with all your OCD demands. A lot of men don't seem to get that if respect isn't there, neither is love. A lot of women find that out the hard way. The man says he loves her and then treats her like crap and doesn't care enough about her not to treat her badly. But inside he's thinking "I really love her." That's not love. That's wanting control. Love wants to protect and enhance someone's life. And someone who loves someone, the last thing they want to do is hurt or belittle them and make them feel less than. Leave her alone and move on. 2
harassed Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 well obviously she wasn't "happy" or she wouldn't have left you. She obviously saw you as abuse and should quite be terrified because not only did you abuse her, but you refuse to let her go! .. She has moved on and you should be moving into therapy! don't worry.. i will too be going there. We all have problems .. If your wife is calling abuse, well she sees you as abuse! abuse is abuse for the simple reason if she says stop and you continue..
Author Marco Pierre Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) I've been involved in abusive situations and know many others in these situations. It can take many forms - it's not just hitting. It's usually linked more to entitlement and control. According to Lundy Bancroft (who is very experienced with running abuser programs and knows abuse dynamics) when a woman says she has been abused she usually has. Yes, there are false allegations out there. But statistically speaking the number is very high (90%ish if I remember correctly) that abuse did occur. Thanks for your replies guys Although its not all easy to hear. Facing up to things you have done in the past is awful and I feel terrible. But I needed to hear it Im a nice guy I know it, I make a conscience with people and try to be kind. Im a romantic and a loyal, honest and caring chap. I ****ed up. I let the stress get the better of me. At the time i was stressed/injured/studying in day and working all night. Excuses? Yes of course but I dont care Im not an abuser I loved her and always wanted the best for her. Held her hand and encouraged her to do better and make the modt of her life. She went to Ibiza with froends while we were together and I never stopped her going out and made effort with her friends. It was her who didnt want me to go out Having said that. I approciate the advise and I know in reality we can never really be friends. Guess its guilt. Now I can leave her alone but I cant stop loving her. Maybe one day I will reach out to her but everytime we speak now is so serious, it feels like im out of order if i try and be happy or make a joke. She shoots me down. She hates me Edited March 3, 2016 by Marco Pierre
Author Marco Pierre Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I've been involved in abusive situations and know many others in these situations. It can take many forms - it's not just hitting. It's usually linked more to entitlement and control. According to Lundy Bancroft (who is very experienced with running abuser programs and knows abuse dynamics) when a woman says she has been abused she usually has. Yes, there are false allegations out there. But statistically speaking the number is very high (90%ish if I remember correctly) that abuse did occur. well obviously she wasn't "happy" or she wouldn't have left you. She obviously saw you as abuse and should quite be terrified because not only did you abuse her, but you refuse to let her go! .. She has moved on and you should be moving into therapy! don't worry.. i will too be going there. We all have problems .. If your wife is calling abuse, well she sees you as abuse! abuse is abuse for the simple reason if she says stop and you continue.. I actually broke up with her and moved on first. At first ahe wanted to stay in touch until I text her some horrible things and said I was seeing someone else. Since then I have been blocked and she doesnt want to know. I dont blame her It hurts though I can move on. But I will always love her, she's been a really special friend. Who cares about being in a relationship I just love her laugh and her smell, shes so funny and so cute. A little princess she was my world. Im a penguin man, iv never loved anyone else like I did her. I just lost my head and shower her a horrible side of me. I took her for granted and bullied her but she knows thats not me. Thats why we were together for 5 years we never gave up. I pushed it too far. I didnt trust her towards the end and I got so miserbale I tool it out on her and tried to make her cry over me. I regret this now and only wish her happiness whoever she is with
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 She hates me That is the consequences of abuse. You can do a million nice things for a person but the minute you start abusing them, all those nice things mean zilch. People hang around, as they want to believe in the good guy, they love the good guy, but once the good guy starts to disappear and he makes few appearances, or the bad guy is all they can see, then it is all over. 2
Lady2163 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 My exH and I were both in the military. He was a slob and I was OCD. I'm sure he would say I was demanding, but he was intentionally triggering me and then playing innocent and wounded. For the last 18 months of our marriage, we were both out of the military and he was abusive and neglectful. I'm making a lot of assumptions here and greatly simplifying things. Do you know why you had to have things just so? Possibly it created anxiety and stress for you if they weren't just right. You may not have had a lot of control in your job, life outside of your residence or your relationship. I'm also assuming you're not wealthy or even upper middle class. On one hand, things gradually got better for us as we moved into bigger places. It worked well for us to have our own closets, bathrooms, desks and computers. But getting to that point and sharing space was brutal. He would intentionally get the stapler out of the desk, then put it back in the silverware drawer, rather than where he found it. He knew where it was, but I didn't. So, I have just a few seconds before I must leave the house and I'm hunting for the damn stapler that I need to staple a report. That would send me on an eight hour cleaning and organization spree to find what else he had misplaced. Only, since I probably had to leave the house for work or school ID be stressed the whole time I was there, because I just had to get things back in order. So, I was unreasonable. We did marriage counseling and the counselor told me things he probably shouldn't have after we failed and divorced. One of those things was, he admitted to doing it intentionally. He was "mad" because I wasn't giving him sex, so this was his way of "getting back at me." The counselor tried to point out that he wasn't getting sex because I was exhausted and I was exhausted from working, going to school, internship and maintaining a house. He stubbornly refused my triggers and would ignore some of the more legitimate "whys". Example, I was raised to keep the common areas clean and picked up, because you never know when company might stop by. He would intentionally avoid picking up dog poop, leave lots of crumbs and dishes, dirty clothes and just clutter in the living room (the place where company saw the most). Evidently, the toilet was beyond his mental capability because there were too many times I went into the "guest bathroom" to an unflushed toilet. Good for me, bad for you, but you were way over the top in your abuse. I've had a couple of ex boyfriends who were abusive and neglectful. One was an addict. He has been in a nursing home and reached out through a mutual friend. He offered me $10,000 just to come and talk to him for an hour. Really, just talk. It would be $8,000 profit for me. I could get it done in 24-36 hours. The mutual friend said he wants to apologize and make it right. It isn't going to happen. It has been 18 years since I saw him. I'm fine with him dying and not "making it right". He wasted too much of my life. And I tell you that, because you may never be able to make it right with this woman. Five years of her life is down the tubes. Your abuse outweighs all the good you did. As time goes on she will forget the good, but the bad will stay with her forever. Now, from your description, it sounds like she had some pretty good moments of being an awful person as well. I'm not excusing her, but obviously, you did. Her behavior was not a deal breaker, but to her your behavior WAS a deal breaker. Addiction and mental illness can stunt emotional maturity. I have a guesstimate of your age and I do think you're behind your peers in maturity. Get help. Get a decent counselor. It may take a couple of tries to find one that will get you to move forward. Get evaluated for medication. Learn how to manage your illness and truly love. It CAN be done.
GemmaUK Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 At the time i was stressed/injured/studying in day and working all night. Excuses? Yes of course but I dont care Im not an abuser One of the absolute first signs of an abuser is someone who doesn't take responsibility and will find excuses for their behaviour. Until you actively take responsibility this won't change. Please don't date anyone else until you have worked on yourself with the help of a therapist. Also, you should stay right away from your ex. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 That is the consequences of abuse. You can do a million nice things for a person but the minute you start abusing them, all those nice things mean zilch. People hang around, as they want to believe in the good guy, they love the good guy, but once the good guy starts to disappear and he makes few appearances, or the bad guy is all they can see, then it is all over. All of this is so very true. An ex-boyfriend of mine was abusive as well, primarily emotionally and verbally. That has left deep scars in me. That is what I remember most when he crosses my mind. The good times we had are very tainted and pale in comparison to the abuse. 3
Author Marco Pierre Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 All of this is so very true. An ex-boyfriend of mine was abusive as well, primarily emotionally and verbally. That has left deep scars in me. That is what I remember most when he crosses my mind. The good times we had are very tainted and pale in comparison to the abuse. Thanks for honesty. Great insight. This makes perfect sense to me. Thats why i should forget her and allow her happiness. But she means the world to me. My best friend its like losing a family member
Wuku Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 My situation mirrors yours. I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 1/2 years. It also ended because she believes I was abusive, and I take responsibility for what I did. I too suffer with severe OCD, and when she moved into my house, I had a number of "rules" to abide by. I say rules for want of a better word, they were things to avoid, triggers. I wasn't a controlling person aside from that. I was going through my worst episode of mental health ever not long after she moved in, I was drinking a bottle of vodka or whiskey a night, just to give myself some space and be able to sleep. Eventually I had to get help, and started seeing an OCD specialist my doctor referred me to. It took quite some time to get me on a medication combination that actually worked. But by that time, my ex had moved out, even though we still remained a couple. Fast forward a few years and we are no longer together. Even though I had dramatically changed with the correct medication, and no longer drank at all , my ex just couldn't get over or forgive me for what happened in the past. While she understood my illness, and really tried to help, she didn't believe all our arguments etc were down to the illness. My ex is now in therapy, blaming her time with me as the cause. I understand your feelings of guilt, I feel the same, I hate that I hurt the woman I love, I'd do anything to change it, but of course we can't. You can only move on and learn. Although I take responsibility for the reasons our relationship ended, I find it difficult to accept I was abusive. Nothing I did was done on purpose, and I never meant to hurt her. I know I did some stupid, sometimes crazy and immature things, but I find it hard to believe they have forced her into therapy. I know a lot of people who think that a lot of it was the general ebb and flow of most relationships, compounded by my mental health. Most people think I have been out of order or stupid at times, but don't see anything that can't be forgiven eventually. Either way, I obviously hurt her, for which I'm very sorry. My OCD is still present, and always will be, but the drugs really make a difference and have made my life liveable. Maybe it's worth you finding out what help is available to you, it really can help. 1
PLT Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I am at the moment trying to break away from my abusive girlfriend / ex-girlfriend. I'm not even sure if I am an ex, that's how ****ty it is. We had been together for just over 3 years and are both in our 40s She is very controlling, very possessive and jealous (although if I get insecure because she keeps bringing up her exs or men that find her attractive then I'm "weak" and "not a real man"), over the past 5 months or so she has also been very verbally abusive, and over the 2 weeks past Valentines day its been hell. The covert put downs in front of her friends, the smear campaign against me, the complete lack of boundaries as to what she will throw at me verbally, the entitlement that she "deserves a man who is compliant, who worships the ground she walks on". I admit I retaliated at times to the verbal abuse, also verbally, out of sheer frustration. She also has OCD but will not do anything about it. She thinks it's fine. Last Wednesday, the 24th Feb was the 30th anniversary of my fathers suicide. I went over to hers, an hours drive away, she was going to cook a meal but had one of her usual tantrums, started accusing me of things I hadn't done and I could see how the evening would end up so instead of doing what I usually do and sit there and take it, I got up, walked out without a word, and drove home. She sent me a text saying "hope you are home safe" a couple of hours later. Since then, nothing. I've sent her a few texts / fb messages asking if we are still together, or not, but have had no reply. Stone cold. I'm hurting really bad. It feels like she completely disrespected that day and that although I'm ok with the day, it was 30 years ago after all, what I DIDN'T need was more verbal abuse and accusations. Why on earth would someone who is meant to care about me treat me like this? I just cannot get my head around it. Right now I feel unloved, unlovable, broken. The first 2, 2 and a half years or so were fantastic. She was the most wonderful woman I had ever met and I wanted to grow old with her. We seemed to connect on every level and I just cannot for the life of me fathom out how it got to this, where I'm verging on hating her for how she has been treating me recently. She makes it clear that I'm easily replaceable. I'm no angel and have made mistakes (mainly ****ty facebook comments aimed at her. Childish I know!), but I've always admitted I screwed up, apologised, and didn't do it again. I've had no apologies from her, and her behaviour never changes. If anything it gets worse. I know I deserve so much better but I'm really struggling to let her go, and I don't know why. Why the hell do I want someone who treats me so horribly? I long for the days when we were connected, when I was walking on air, when I loved being around her. I have no social life because for the past 3 and a half years my social life revolved around her. I just don't feel like I'll ever get that connection with anyone else again. I'm a lost cause.
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I am at the moment trying to break away from my abusive girlfriend / ex-girlfriend. I'm not even sure if I am an ex, that's how ****ty it is. We had been together for just over 3 years and are both in our 40s PLT Its called contempt and resentment and it kills relationships stone dead - she doesn't want to hear from you - it is over. YOU need to ask yourself why you allowed her to treat you like that and learn from it. Forget "love", in this situation it is meaningless, why would you "love" someone who apparently doesn't even like you? Move on. Look up co-dependence and people pleaser syndrome for a start and try to sort out your own head. YOU cannot control her and what she does, but you can do a lot to help yourself and make sure you never get into such horrible toxic relationships again. 1
Author Marco Pierre Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 So my ex of 5 years and I broke up last October. It was mutual, we had both hurt eachother and needed to move on for both our sanity's. Anyway, whilst at a party last week a friend told me she was in a relationship with a new guy. It hurt a little but I was actualy more happy for her than anything. Of course in the days that followed I couldnt get her off my mind. Last week I called her off a withheld number. She would know it was me so I still didnt expect an answer. We hadnt spoken in months. She answered and asked why I was calling. She then said she was busy and hung up. I was gutted. She called me back about an hour later. And we spoke briefly not about anything just small talk and she was nice. I said I had to go after a minute because I didnt know what to say. Later that night I was training and after I saw a missed call, she had called me again! I didnt return the call and a couple hours later I received a message from her saying it was random that I called and we shouldnt be in touch. I agreed and we left it at that but I was heartbroken. The next morning she text me. When I went to reply I was blocked. Im not tryna screw her head up. I just miss her. Anyway! Last night I went for a couple of drinks with friends and I bumped into her best friend, who was a mutual friend as I got her a job and stuff like that. It was slightly awkward as I had blocked her on facebook but she didnt seem to mind. She gave me a great big hug, told me what a great guy I was. I said I was happy for my ex, that she had moved on and she could tell I was being genuine but she said my ex was exactly in a relationship just seeing someone. Heres the weird bit. When I went to call a taxi later that night I saw a missed call from my ex again! It would of been around the same time I was talking to her friend. I replied this morning and she called me, we spoke for a couple of hours and facetimed eachother for an hour. This is the first time I had seen even a picture of her since december. Im falling in love again!! She looked beautiful! This may sound like nothing but its a big deal to me as I thought she hated me as I have been horrible to her, and I thought she was over me hence the new boyfriend. I had spent the last week sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. Now all of a sudden she is calling me!! What is happening!!???
harassed Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 maybe she is reading your forum and she thinks you like her. maybe you have led her on or done something to cause her to return to you. What men don't realize is why women need closure. If a women is seeking closure, she is actually seeking reason to believe the relationship can and will work. I think for myself, being ill is waking up and realizing what you want and could have had is gone but that's not fair either because no sweetie, for whatever reason you didn't have it. Leading women on is a horrible thing and men do it because they don't understand what happens. I was going to stay with this man but realized I can't. NO matter how hard this is I have to do this for not only me but the future sufferers. I have a back bone and thick skin so if anyone is going to rock the mentally ill it better be me! .. And so i got rid of the craig guy and stopped confusing myself. That's why you can't play! no play at all. Be honest and have honesty directed at you so both parties can deal with it. If you have questions then just ask her ..
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