New job delaying proposal, gf getting loco

[PrettyEmily77]

There is no cure - just make a deal with her that if you don't actually commit to her in the way she wants in the next 8 months or whatever, she will then be free to dump your azz if you don't come good on your promise.

 

ETA: and be prepared for the fact that she might actually follow through, as is her right.

Edited March 5, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[PacMann87]

For some reason you are stalling here, and I can see why she is thus so insecure.

 

You can see why someone would be insecure Because her faithful, loving, driven boyfriend who's made it clear he plans on marrying her and giving her everything she wants/deserves is trying to make sure that financially their engagement and marriage are built upon a stable foundation without the uncertainty of my contributed income and employment?

 

Meanwhile there's an example of what getting married too quickly and the unexpected responsibilities and finances can do to a marriage and relationship residing within her own family to look at as a cautionary tale.

 

Let's say I propose tomorrow. She says yes. Shes going to set a wedding date for September if she can I guarantee that... Or if not then it'll be next spring 2017. Then I end up losing my job in May for whatever reason. She wants to look at houses, where to live. I need to look for a job. What can we afford? ****, I don't have a job, what can I tell you that's helpful or contributes. I tell her parents I'm going to take care of their daughter and 3 months jot being engaged im unemployed.... What a great way to establish confidence to my future in laws.

 

Or I can dedicate all the time and effort necessary to getting myself established and set at work... Hit my quota and get fat commission checks, buy the nicer nicer in the nicer neighborhood, go on a dream honeymoon and start our lives together like I know is achievable..... If she can just chill out for 6 months.

 

So Thanks for your input, no need to contribute any further. Your opinion is noted.

[elaine567]

There is no cure - just make a deal with her that if you don't actually commit to her in the way she wants in the next 8 months or whatever, she will then be free to dump your azz if you don't come good on your promise.

 

ETA: and be prepared for the fact that she might actually follow through, as is her right.

 

Agreed, she ain't gonna wait till all the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted. No-one can afford to do that.

Situations can change in an instant, what seems like a dead cert can go belly up. "Fat" commissions may never materialise, dreams can disappear in a puff of smoke, that is why most choose people over possessions.

[PacMann87]

Agreed, she ain't gonna wait till all the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted. No-one can afford to do that.

Situations can change in an instant, what seems like a dead cert can go belly up. "Fat" commissions may never materialise, dreams can disappear in a puff of smoke, that is why most choose people over possessions.

 

Are you happily married?

[Mr. Lucky]

PacMann87, you started with this:

 

Am I the selfish one? Should I have proposed and gotten the house already and risked the job insecurity and dedication? Hope this wasn't too long and boring. Any advice is appreciated.

 

And a general consensus that your GF has a right to be frustrated has brought you to this:

 

So Thanks for your input, no need to contribute any further. Your opinion is noted.

 

You seem more interested in defending than listening. Given your degree of certainty, I'd guess you're going to wait til you feel ready, financially and otherwise. Do your thing, come back in 6 months and lets us know how it went. Best of luck in your upcoming engagement and marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi Mr.Lucky, do YOU live in NYC? Tell me how much you save with 3 jobs? One full time and two pt? Now also tell me what else you do besides work? Tell me what type of life you live? Do you go out, spend time with friends, hang out, and live life? What else do you do besides work and how much money you have left to put in a savings account while paying rent and bills on your own just you. No roommate no nothing just you. Making descent money in NYC AKA the capital of the world. I'm just curious.

 

kztar, did it take you until age 26 to realize you'll have to earn the lifestyle you want, no one's going to hand it to you?

 

I don't have much empathy that your choice to live in the world capital means it's difficult to afford to "go out, spend time with friends, hang out, and live life". Either work harder or live somewhere cheaper. The latter choice would also get you out of your parents house...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PacMann87]

kztar, did it take you until age 26 to realize you'll have to earn the lifestyle you want, no one's going to hand it to you?

 

I don't have much empathy that your choice to live in the world capital means it's difficult to afford to "go out, spend time with friends, hang out, and live life". Either work harder or live somewhere cheaper. The latter choice would also get you out of your parents house...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So you're saying that after kztar graduates college and eventhslly gets an entry level job in the career field she's in... Making most likely under 30k a year... Should live paycheck to paycheck just to live in an apartment of her own that's the size of a closet? And if she can't... She should just pack up and move away from her friends and family to a mkre affordable area? And what about the student loans she has to pay off which got her the degree?

 

Working harder doesn't speed up time. She can be on the right path to her dream job making well over 6 figures a year at 26 years old. That doesn't mean her job is paying her a salary that's affording her the ability to live anywhere she wants, however she wants. And usually it's the entry level, career building jobs where you are working harder and longer than anyone else, busting your butt to hustle and prove yourself.

 

The real world doesn't just acquiesce to "work harder and everything works out" as simply as you make it out to be. She could've put herself through college, struggled to find a job for a year, then finally get hired at 23 yo. If rent in the city where her job is costs 24k a year (minimum), she has student loans, has to pay for food, bills, etc.. , then what exactly is she doing that's not correct?

[PrettyEmily77]

I never married and don't want to marry at this point. I was straight with my partner and he's fine with it.

 

If one of you is not fine with the situation, you have a problem: seems like you have a problem that you want resolving by keeping the status quo while your gf isn't happy.

 

She's not being unreasonable. It may just be another 6 months to you but it's been longer for her. Disregard her worries at your peril.

Edited March 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't feel that way so I'll keep myself open to other viewpoints and the possibility that my approach isn't the right one. By no means am I above criticism or imperfection. I wouldn't take advice on robbing a bank from someone convicted of trying to rob a bank would I?

 

You'd rather get that larcenous advice from someone who never tried ?

 

I'd guess most of us are 'bank robbers' here, we've been in serious relationships that evolved towards at least the consideration of marriage.

 

Despite your apparent resolve, life - and success - is never certain. I'd rather face that uncertainty, financial and otherwise, with a partner who feels I'm as committed to her as I am to the achieving the goals I've set. You seem focused on the destination, don't ignore the journey.

 

Anyway, had my say, I'll out. Hope you get everything you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

PacMann

 

 

Your GF is a nurse. She's not an idiot. Sit down with her & run the numbers. All of them.

 

 

Get her to spell out what she wants: wedding in a year & a house immediately thereafter.

 

 

Now (& bring facts with you) show her why she has no clue & needs to cool her jets.

 

 

She makes 70k. That's about 52 after taxes or 4.3 per month. Conservatively, at best you are looking at $2,000 per month for rent in an not so great 1BR that is in a safe neighborhood. So there's 2.3k left. Now you have food, utilities, insurance, the ability to buy people holiday gifts, transportation, clothes, retirement contributions, and the fund you must start for the downpayment on your house. Could you live on that? Maybe but that will mean no going out, no vacations, no luxuries.

 

 

Now she wants a wedding. Again conservatively you are looking at $30 - $50k for the party, before the HM. Where is that money coming from? If she says "her parents" send her to a wedding site called The Knot. If you can't afford your own wedding you need to rethink your plan.

 

 

Next have her look at real estate for sale. Have her start with her dream Get her to explain how you two will fund the downpayment on top of everything else.

 

 

When you are finished with the meeting, ask her to please be a bit more patient until you are more financially secure. Show her your #s / budget etc on a spread sheet. Really press her for patience or at the very least a LONG engagement.

[Shining One]

PacMann

 

 

Your GF is a nurse. She's not an idiot. Sit down with her & run the numbers. All of them.

 

 

Get her to spell out what she wants: wedding in a year & a house immediately thereafter.

 

 

Now (& bring facts with you) show her why she has no clue & needs to cool her jets.

 

 

She makes 70k. That's about 52 after taxes or 4.3 per month. Conservatively, at best you are looking at $2,000 per month for rent in an not so great 1BR that is in a safe neighborhood. So there's 2.3k left. Now you have food, utilities, insurance, the ability to buy people holiday gifts, transportation, clothes, retirement contributions, and the fund you must start for the downpayment on your house. Could you live on that? Maybe but that will mean no going out, no vacations, no luxuries.

 

 

Now she wants a wedding. Again conservatively you are looking at $30 - $50k for the party, before the HM. Where is that money coming from? If she says "her parents" send her to a wedding site called The Knot. If you can't afford your own wedding you need to rethink your plan.

 

 

Next have her look at real estate for sale. Have her start with her dream Get her to explain how you two will fund the downpayment on top of everything else.

 

 

When you are finished with the meeting, ask her to please be a bit more patient until you are more financially secure. Show her your #s / budget etc on a spread sheet. Really press her for patience or at the very least a LONG engagement.

Well said! I'm always an advocate of "let the math do the talking".

[PacMann87]

PacMann

 

 

Your GF is a nurse. She's not an idiot. Sit down with her & run the numbers. All of them.

 

 

Get her to spell out what she wants: wedding in a year & a house immediately thereafter.

 

 

Now (& bring facts with you) show her why she has no clue & needs to cool her jets.

 

 

She makes 70k. That's about 52 after taxes or 4.3 per month. Conservatively, at best you are looking at $2,000 per month for rent in an not so great 1BR that is in a safe neighborhood. So there's 2.3k left. Now you have food, utilities, insurance, the ability to buy people holiday gifts, transportation, clothes, retirement contributions, and the fund you must start for the downpayment on your house. Could you live on that? Maybe but that will mean no going out, no vacations, no luxuries.

 

 

Now she wants a wedding. Again conservatively you are looking at $30 - $50k for the party, before the HM. Where is that money coming from? If she says "her parents" send her to a wedding site called The Knot. If you can't afford your own wedding you need to rethink your plan.

 

 

Next have her look at real estate for sale. Have her start with her dream Get her to explain how you two will fund the downpayment on top of everything else.

 

 

When you are finished with the meeting, ask her to please be a bit more patient until you are more financially secure. Show her your #s / budget etc on a spread sheet. Really press her for patience or at the very least a LONG engagement.

 

Thanks a lot for this. Well thought out and expressed and it's exactly what I want to have figured out or at least have a general idea financially before I submerge myself into such major commitments.

 

I have mentioned this a few times before but not as clear. Basically asked her to write out what our combined expenses would be from the time k proposed to the time we got a house and moved in. Cars, phone bills, furniture for the house, food, the list goes on. She deflected it saying that it's just something we need to tackle as we go. Which is exactly what worries me and a huge risk that can be avoided.

 

I appreciate the suggestion. Will try and outline it in a more rational way so she feels I'm asking these things because I want to progress and move forward

[d0nnivain]

Spreadsheets are your friends.

 

 

 

 

DH & I have a pre-nup. Getting all the facts & figures together for those disclosures was difficult. Some of the conversations that we were forced to have as a result of putting that document together were uncomfortable & awkward but honestly it was one of the best things we ever did. We learned how to communicate even when it was hard. I really think that exercise strengthened our marriage.

 

 

So go ahead & start it with your GF the nurse. Just like she wouldn't try to treat a patient without the proper tools & certainly wouldn't figure it out as she went along, she can't take such a laissez faire attitude toward your finances & future if she hopes your marriage will last.

[PrettyEmily77]

When you are finished with the meeting, ask her to please be a bit more patient until you are more financially secure. Show her your #s / budget etc on a spread sheet. Really press her for patience or at the very least a LONG engagement.

 

I could be wrong, but I was under the impression OP was the one wanting the 'nicer' house / the holiday he thinks she deserves and that the GF wanted to get married, in which case why would she have to be patient at all?

 

This reminded me of the only time I got (briefly) engaged to a guy who was obsessed with spreadsheets and balancing the books and what to afford, etc. I'm in the medical field so I'm not exactly struggling for money but his constant talks about affording stuff and getting stuff I 'deserved' (ie that he wanted because I wasn't actually fussed at all with any of those things) put me off marriage for life. If ever I changed my mind I'd want it to be with someone who will want to spend our lives together no matter the financial circumstances - what if the GF in question is of the same mindset?

Edited March 5, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[Giggle]

There are emotional driven people and rational driven people. She is emotional driven apparently and needs that ring. My brother just did the exact same thing with his girl. He even had the ring in his truck, he just didn't have his ducks in a row. And he lost his girl because all the rationale in the world isn't going to make an emotionally driven person feel like they are your world.

 

I'm horribly rationally driven, drove my husband nuts. But. Even I don't see a good reason for you to be so damn stubborn. You aren't compromising on it. You are saying all or nothing. She needs something. My ridiculously rational brother wasn't even happy with the ring.. It wasn't expensive enough to suit him.

 

Sigh.

[LivTheDream]

There are emotional driven people and rational driven people. She is emotional driven apparently and needs that ring. My brother just did the exact same thing with his girl. He even had the ring in his truck, he just didn't have his ducks in a row. And he lost his girl because all the rationale in the world isn't going to make an emotionally driven person feel like they are your world.

 

I'm horribly rationally driven, drove my husband nuts. But. Even I don't see a good reason for you to be so damn stubborn. You aren't compromising on it. You are saying all or nothing. She needs something. My ridiculously rational brother wasn't even happy with the ring.. It wasn't expensive enough to suit him.

 

Sigh.

 

 

Who is saying all or nothing? The Op? If his gf is adamant about wanting to get married and buy a house now, asap and is regularly stating this over and over then wouldn't that mean she's the one who wants all or nothing?

 

Op I can understand what you're saying but also know your gf feels the way she does for a reason.

 

If he's doing all this work to try and provide a good life for her long term, and she is making their relationship tense by the recurring timeline convo, one can see how he'd feel dejected or unappreciated at this time.

 

What if he had that talk with her in September and then she didn't bring it up again at all? The OP could have ended up working and realizing after 6 months, that his job is on the right track and because she has stood by his side without making it feel like a ticking clock, he pops the question in April.

 

Then again... If the girl wanted to get engaged last fall... And she ends up getting engaged this summer. Why is that something the Op should feel bad about? I'm sure everything will be hunky dory once he proposes. But I'd be a little resentful too if I was forced to feel like my relationship was on thin ice over the last year for no reason too.

[kztar]

Based on what you have been saying it looks like the family might be a HUGE influence in all of this. I am pretty sure that there's pressure coming from them and she is projecting that to you. You might want to ask her about that. I know you love her and I hope that she is able to be able to understand this. Some women will wait a certain amount of time and then walk away from the relationship. Hopefully this is not your case. Also it sounds like your girl is more emotionally driven while you are more rational like others said.

[kztar]

So you're saying that after kztar graduates college and eventhslly gets an entry level job in the career field she's in... Making most likely under 30k a year... Should live paycheck to paycheck just to live in an apartment of her own that's the size of a closet? And if she can't... She should just pack up and move away from her friends and family to a mkre affordable area? And what about the student loans she has to pay off which got her the degree?

 

Working harder doesn't speed up time. She can be on the right path to her dream job making well over 6 figures a year at 26 years old. That doesn't mean her job is paying her a salary that's affording her the ability to live anywhere she wants, however she wants. And usually it's the entry level, career building jobs where you are working harder and longer than anyone else, busting your butt to hustle and prove yourself.

 

The real world doesn't just acquiesce to "work harder and everything works out" as simply as you make it out to be. She could've put herself through college, struggled to find a job for a year, then finally get hired at 23 yo. If rent in the city where her job is costs 24k a year (minimum), she has student loans, has to pay for food, bills, etc.. , then what exactly is she doing that's not correct?

 

Yes, Please elaborate Mr. Lucky. Also you completely avoided my previous question. Do YOU live in NYC?.

[Mr. Lucky]

No kztar, I don't live in NY - by choice. I'd be happy to discuss in your own thread, don't want to t/j the OP's thread any further...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I could be wrong, but I was under the impression OP was the one wanting the 'nicer' house / the holiday he thinks she deserves and that the GF wanted to get married, in which case why would she have to be patient at all?

 

 

On some levels this is why he has to talk to her about what she wants. If she wants the big wedding then they need to figure out how to pay for it. OP said GF wants to be married & out of her parents house by September. It's March. 6 months is a rocket pace at which to plan a wedding. Most gowns take 9 months to make. The "best" halls are booked 2 years in advance. So if she wants to go to city hall or elope September might be realistic but otherwise, the GF is living in fantasy land.

 

 

As for patience, marriage is about compromise. If she is unwilling to compromise on the timing . . .and have a long engagement . . .after he compromised by proposing earlier then his preferred time table, I predicate a divorce rather than happily ever after.

 

There are emotional driven people and rational driven people. She is emotional driven apparently and needs that ring. . . . all the rationale in the world isn't going to make an emotionally driven person feel like they are your world.

 

 

This is probably the most insightful response. Sometimes two people just don't speak the same language.

[PrettyEmily77]

As for patience, marriage is about compromise. If she is unwilling to compromise on the timing . . .and have a long engagement . . .after he compromised by proposing earlier then his preferred time table, I predicate a divorce rather than happily ever after.

.

 

Well, any relationship is about compromise from both parties. She may feel she's already compromised long enough? As I mentioned upthread, I don't get the vibe that the GF is the one who wants the 'nice' things so asking her to be patient on something she might not prioritize is risky, I think. So far, she's the one compromising by waiting - I can't see how OP has compromised anything...

[d0nnivain]

If marriage is forever, does it really matter if you get married this September or next as long as you know that you are both working toward that goal?

 

 

We don't know what she is thinking. I get the feeling that this couple is in their early 20s relatively newly out of school.

 

 

We do know that the OP is here expressing that he feels that his concerns aren't being heard. Thus my suggestion is that he put the numbers on paper with her. The exercise may open both of their eyes. He may see they are better off. She may see that waiting isn't terrible. They may find that things are more affordable then they currently think. They may conclude that they don't make sense as a married couple. Nobody will know until tey have a conversation where they both at least walk away feeling heard & respected.