Is my ex bf a sociopath?

March 4, 2016

Me and my now ex bf have been together for 4 months. We started off intense and he was the one always bringing up the story of kids and marriage and how much he wants it with me, and how much he loves me and all that. I wanted to wait it out and see how our relationship would develop because we did have some arguments right from the start. However I did like him a lot and I was considering him being the father of my kids but I wanted to wait and see.

We are both 27.

However in the last two weeks we started arguing a lot, everytime we would have an argument I had to be the one reaching out to him, talking, patching things up. And he was happy to have me back.

However I started suspecting if he's only using me because he isn't putting any effort into the relationship. Last two weeks we had our arguments and it felt like we're both letting go. We both liked each other a lot and we decided to meet ( on my initiative). He was suppose to pick me, and he did. But that was the first time I saw him after a week of constant talks and discussion over if we will last. And when he initially saw me, he had that super happy face just as I did, and then few meters later he changed like he's not interested that much. When we entered the car I got a little emotional and had a few tears.

He pulled the car on the side, and I thought he would take my hands, tell me that things are okay, or something, to console me but instead he was just starring at me like I was alien, like it was such a turn off for him that I'm crying. I felt so embarrassed that he just started at me like I'm pathetic. This same guy was telling me about when we will have kids just a week ago. And i got myself together and stopped crying, i told him that its because i got emotional over our last fights and that i am fine that he can continue driving. ( he cried in front of me before when he was scared of loosing me and I was always there to hug him, console him). So i told him to continue driving that we can talk once we get home.

But he didn't want to start driving even if i actually told him like 3x that I'm fine and to drive. He said: I dont think its in your interest to do that ( to drive/ be home with him/ talk to him), and i understood this as that he doesn't want me there and i asked him what did he mean, and he just repeated the same and starred at me. And few minutes passed without him making any move to try to make me feel better, and i understood that like he's waiting for me to leave the car. And i got insulted and just stood up and left. He didn't try to stop me. Nothing.

This guy was insisting on us staying together and blaming me of wanting to leave but when he gets a chance he tells me that. So i left all hurt...and i texted him later why did we plan to meet up if he eventually told me to leave? And he told me that I'm a psychopath that i just stood up and left...that i looked like **** that night, like i can't take care of my looks ( not true i looked good). And that he is done with me! I was sooo hurt. Nobody i was close with humiliated me that way! He blocked me on messaging and fb and everything.

He didn't apologize since then, its been a week. He was telling me before that i was his world, we would talk all the time, we were so in love and then this ?! Any thoughts ? I am so hurt that he humuliated me so much and been so inconsiderate. Is he a sociopath ( he said he doesn't has any close friends and i never met any).

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 4, 2016

He doesn't sound like a sociopath to me.

There is far to much drama in this relationship for only four months in. It sounds like you are letting your emotions and insecurities take over. I'm not really sure what started all this off but crying in his car and interpreting his facial expressions negatively and multiple arguments over what appears to be nothing seems far to dramatic. Best to let this relationship go and take some time to work on yourself. Sounds like you initiated the date as well. It simply sounds like you are far more invested in this relationship than he is and it's showing to him and in your behaviour. Let him go. He just doesn't appear to be that interested in you. He didn't tell you to leave? You are making far to many assumptions and it's causing miscommunications.

Why are you having constant discussions about if you will last or not? At four months you should be on a high enjoying every minute. It sounds like you are desperate for constant reassurance wanting him to hold your hands and tell you everything is okay and when that doesn't happen you get even more upset. You are placing your expectations on him in a negative way and expecting him to live up to everything you want or think without clearly communicating your needs to him. You need to work on yourself a bit I think.

You are interpreting everything he said to you in a negative way without really hearing what he was saying. You got insulted and left because he didn't reassure you in the way you wanted. No one wants to constantly reassure another person. It's not an attractive quality. You perceived his lack of reassurance as an insult. I think you need to take a look at yourself and your own insecurities here and how they contributed to the demise of this relationship.

Just for the record a sociopath usually has many 'friends'. They often have lots of friends are very charming and move well in social circles. Hence why so many sociopaths acquire positions of power. This guy doesn't fit the bill.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 4, 2016

I honestly didnt know if I want to be with him anymore or just remain friends. But I did have feelings for him, he was the one pressuring to stay in the relationship as he can't see me only as a friend or to block me out completely which was hurtful for me. I wanted a slow transition to 'friends', and I wasn't ready for him to block me because I did consider him very important in my life. But he told me that he doesn't see me as only a friend and that its all or nothing. We had one break up a week before that and I went out with another guy and he knew about it. But I wanted him as friend, but he was telling me that I am trying to string him along. So then we met up- and I knew that he could block me after that meeting, and that's why I started crying- because I was scared that's the Las time I see him. And it seems like it was.

March 4, 2016

Now tonight I was just thinking. His ex from 3 yrs ago ( he didn't have a girlfriend for the last 3 yrs) also just stood up and left and in the first days of our relationship we were exchanging some past stories and he mentioned that as pretty traumatic. When he was telling that story it sounded like she was a bad guy, but now after I reflect on what happened a week ago...he had me doing the same.

March 4, 2016

I honestly didnt know if I want to be with him anymore or just remain friends. But I did have feelings for him, he was the one pressuring to stay in the relationship as he can't see me only as a friend or to block me out completely which was hurtful for me. I wanted a slow transition to 'friends', and I wasn't ready for him to block me because I did consider him very important in my life. But he told me that he doesn't see me as only a friend and that its all or nothing. We had one break up a week before that and I went out with another guy and he knew about it. But I wanted him as friend, but he was telling me that I am trying to string him along. So then we met up- and I knew that he could block me after that meeting, and that's why I started crying- because I was scared that's the Las time I see him. And it seems like it was.

It's really hard to get to the bottom of what you are saying.

If you dumped him or told him you didn't want a relationship and only friendship then he has every right to block you and delete you. He doesn't owe you anything. If you don't know or are unsure about him then let him go. He isnt the guy for you.

You are the one causing the confusion / drama here. Either you want to be with him or you don't. If you don't then he doesn't have to be your friend or reassure you or stick around. He can cut you out of his life if that is the best thing for HIM regardless of whether you are upset. If you don't want a relationship with him then he has the right to move on. It's all or nothing like he said you can't have it both ways. Your behaviour is showing selfishness. You are only thinking about your needs and have no consideration for how this has impacted him.

He doesn't have to be your friend. He doesn't have to wait for you to figure out if you want to be with him.

Edited March 4, 2016 by 266696687

March 4, 2016

Now tonight I was just thinking. His ex from 3 yrs ago ( he didn't have a girlfriend for the last 3 yrs) also just stood up and left and in the first days of our relationship we were exchanging some past stories and he mentioned that as pretty traumatic. When he was telling that story it sounded like she was a bad guy, but now after I reflect on what happened a week ago...he had me doing the same.

He isn't the bad guy here.

You wanted out of the relationship. It's over. you got what YOU wanted. He is now doing what HE wants. To move on from you.

He doesn't have to be friends with you. He doesn't have to accept your suggestion of a slow transition to friendship. He doesn't have to do anything you want anymore. He is no longer your business. You wanted out. Now you are out and don't like it. Tough luck!

March 4, 2016

No I don't think he is a sociopath, but one thing is clear, he doesn't respect you nor does it sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you..... sorry

The incident in the car sounds like the tip of the iceberg for him...something inside him snapped, maybe when he saw you crying, he interpreted it as manipuation ...which frankly it did seem like that, since you were clearly unhappy with his reaction.

You were hoping he would coddle you a bit, well maybe he saw through that and felt manipulated, angry and turned off.

I think you should leave him alone for awhile and give him space.

But to answer your question, no I don't think he is sociopath. That is a very strong accusation.

I think he is just a guy who felt manipulated, got angry, annoyed, turned off, and wants to move on.

Again I am sorry

Edited March 4, 2016 by katiegrl

March 4, 2016

Just to add - why were we struggling from the beginning? The beginning was actually splendid ( before we got to the sex part ), but then I got introduced into the world of his performance anxiety. I did support him through it, he was in therapy already but it wasn't helping, I suggested him to change to a psychiatrist who told him that he would need at least a year to overcome his performance anxiety. I've been patient and supportive until there was almost nothing left of my energy.

4 months I'm trying to help him. He could have compensated to me somehow by being more attentive, but he hasn't. And I was trying to make him realize that we didn't have an equal give and take ratio. I dont know was it because of his problem that he lacked initiative in general but those were the main topics we were fighting about. That I felt like I'm the only one keeping the relationship together. While he was about himself, I was about him.

Valentines - I've spent so much for him, for him not to even give me a card, and plenty of other examples, Christmas was the same thing. Everytime we go out for some activity it was on my initiative. I did expect him to be a little more attentive and show some appreciation through his actions. But he hasn't done a thing. Very passive, and after 4 months I did start to feel used. From being the most beautiful woman in the world he changed into putting me down,acting moody if I'm going out with any friends ( he has none). I tolerated.

Then he called me names on few occasions and then acted later like nothing happened. The first time I forgave him, then the second time happened few days later and I told him that I cannot settle for someone treating me that way. That's when I went out with that other guy. Instead of that being a wake up call for him- he ended up doing what I explained in the first post.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 4, 2016

Another thing. We're both 27, 3 months apart, but he has way less experience with women in general because of that performance anxiety he has. For the last 3 years he didn't have any interactions with women because he was scared of the same thing happening to him. Before that he had one girl leaving him right on stop on the first time when they got to the sex part and he couldn't perform and told her. That same girl then had another guy the next week.

He told me all this. As he said: She just stood up from bed and left. Before her he had another girl who he was functional with, but they were only friends with benefits as she didn't want to be in a relationship with him. So he does has way less relationship experience than I do, but I thought that we could work it through. Obviously something was off in my thinking.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 4, 2016

If things were so awful, with you taking all the initiative, him being so inattentive, etc, why did you stay with him for four months?

March 4, 2016

I liked him a lot. We did have many things in common. We always had fun ( well before things started going downhill, and before I started suspecting he's using me). He was kinda opposite from my last guy, so I found that refreshing. His talk about wanting a family and all that was making me feel good. He looks great ( btw he's black and I'm white, and he was my first black boyfriend so I was very attracted to him as its something I never had before).

Initially he looked attracted to me in the same way and about the same intensity. But when I slowly started realizing that he might be using me to stick around him through his problems, and is not showing much appreciation after that initial phase, I also changed a little and started observing things more and looking into if he's actually using me...and he probably noticed that the dynamics changed...but instead of proving to me things aren't the way I fear they are- he did what he did.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 4, 2016

Just to add - why were we struggling from the beginning? The beginning was actually splendid ( before we got to the sex part ), but then I got introduced into the world of his performance anxiety. < Clipped>

Why are you investing loads of money on him for Christmas when you've only been dating 4 months? A small gift would have been more appropriate.

It just sounds really clear he wasn't as invested as you. He didn't live up to all your expectations. How much he should have spent on you. How attentive he was. You choose to invest so heavily in someone you barely knew. This is the issue. He clearly didn't return the sentiment as strongly as you. You feel used because you were giving away too much of yourself to someone too soon. You were organising the dates. You were making the plans. Buying him things etc. You need to slow down next time. Really get to know someone before you start giving your all and everything.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 4, 2016

I'm just trying to understand why would he tell me via text message layer that night that I looked like total ****? I can't understand what was he thinking with that. First of all - I looked fine and good. And he wasn't referring to me crying, but he said: That I couldn't take care of my looks. I wasn't wearing high heels or anything like that, but I looked fine.

Was he trying to put me so much down to ensure that I will never contact him again? Was he mad that I stood up and left and wanted some revenge ( revenge is a word he uses often when he talks). If he didn't like he wouldn't have been with me for 4 months, he saw me without make up many times before, that night I had makeup on and was dressed nicely.

I'm trying to understand what was his reason to tell me that in the text message. It was so superficial for him to tell me that. I didnt understand at all and I still can't figure it out. If I could figure it out - I would get some peace with myself.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, please use them

March 4, 2016

I'm just trying to understand why would he tell me via text message layer that night that I looked like total ****? I can't understand what was he thinking with that. First of all - I looked fine and good. And he wasn't referring to me crying, but he said: That I couldn't take care of my looks. I wasn't wearing high heels or anything like that, but I looked fine.

Was he trying to put me so much down to ensure that I will never contact him again? Was he mad that I stood up and left and wanted some revenge ( revenge is a word he uses often when he talks). If he didn't like he wouldn't have been with me for 4 months, he saw me without make up many times before, that night I had makeup on and was dressed nicely.

I'm trying to understand what was his reason to tell me that in the text message. It was so superficial for him to tell me that. I didnt understand at all and I still can't figure it out. If I could figure it out - I would get some peace with myself.

It doesn't matter why he told you that. It's not important whether he thinks you looked good that night or not. It's irrelevant. He obviously said it out of annoyance. There's really nothing to figure out here. He was angry so said something hurtful to you. He thinks you've been stringing him along (which you have).

You broke up with him and cried in his car when he told you he doesn't want to be friends.

He has accepted your decision to no longer be with him and now you have to accept his decision to not remain in contact with you.

Accept the situation YOU created. It's over. You have to live with it.

March 4, 2016

We actually met that evening to have one last try- to talk things through face to face and see if we can still be a couple or if we should part. That's the reason why we met. If he thought that we were only friends he wouldn't even meet me. So we met, and I got emotional when I saw him. He wanted to be with me ( according to his words), but then when we met for the purpose of seeing if its worth it ( and we both knew this is the last chance to talk things thought and make it right or break up), he acted the way he did. I was actually the one still hoping for something. I was hoping that he would show some effort and feeling because she was the one insisting to stay together or to never talk again.

March 4, 2016

Just to add, so he blocked me that night. Then tomorrow he unblocked me for few hours ( on Whatsapp) and then blocked me again.

March 4, 2016

We actually met that evening to have one last try- to talk things through face to face and see if we can still be a couple or if we should part. That's the reason why we met. If he thought that we were only friends he wouldn't even meet me. So we met, and I got emotional when I saw him. He wanted to be with me ( according to his words), but then when we met for the purpose of seeing if its worth it ( and we both knew this is the last chance to talk things thought and make it right or break up), he acted the way he did. I was actually the one still hoping for something. I was hoping that he would show some effort and feeling because she was the one insisting to stay together or to never talk again.

Why should he put the effort in when you are the one that was unsure? You broke up with him. It is up to you to be clear and direct with him if you wanted to be together or not. He was clear he wanted a relationship or nothing. You know what he wanted. You wasn't clear about what you wanted? So did you want to get back together or did you want to just be friends?

I suspect that you didn't want to be with him but was hoping he would agree to stay friends so you could continue to keep him in your life without actually making a decision.

It was your responsibility to tell him what you wanted. When you didn't tell him what you wanted but instead cried and left he made the decision for you. It was nothing.

If you wanted to be with him you would have told him.

March 4, 2016

I did want to be with him, however he did have some pretty odd moves recently that confused me. He was pushing me into marriage, and wanted kids next year. Fine I was glad to have a guy who wants that. BUT at the same time he was acting jealous of any little success I have, any freedom. As I said, he doesn't has any friends, but I do. I had to push my friends on the side to make enough time for him ( he would act mad if I don't). But then when I was with him- we would be at home all the time,unless I take us out...He started putting me down slowly and putting my self confidence down by trying to keep me only to him. He called me names few times in the last weeks ( put he was still telling mw how I should give him some kids). He's jealous when I go on a conference out of town with my working colleagues and basically acted like he wants me to stay at home with him. He was saying he would be supporting the whole family if I just gave him some kids (his words), but couldn't make that little effort to show me that my life with him would be actually good. He never offers to pay first, wasn't taking me out...nothing. Just at home. He wasn't like that in the first month or two. He even called me names few times for nothing. When I saw all this- I started pulling away from it a bit- I'm more outgoing, and I met up with some friends (girls) and that guy once. He was jealous of me going out ( no matter if my company would be girls or guys). He did admit that he once tried to make me pregnant on purpose ( that was 3 months ago and I didnt know it was on purpose). We know each other only 4 months, he doesn't bother to show me that my life with him would be good, but expects me to give up on my life, career and friends. We did talk about all this- I was explaining him things. He would always agree and then do the same. And if I go out with someone- he acts like he spread lost me forever ( no matter if that's a girlfriend or some guy). I couldn't even go for lunch with my work colleagues anymore without him acting like a jerk about it. Like I don't care enough for him. He was saying I am his all and I am everything that he needs. He doesn't need anyone else. And I did my best effort to give him almost my whole time. But then even if we were spending every minute together ( apart from the time when we work), he goes ahead to block my phone number and all messaging apps just because the relationship can't go easy as he thought. I did want to be with him- but I wanted him to put some effort in it. Now that he blocked me ( and its not the first time-it happened at least 5-6 more times before), he is probably thinking that by shocking me this way, the next time we meet i will be better. I was already good, been supportive with his performance anxiety, been loving and caring, was taking him out, bought him anything he wanted. But it has been too much- what I got in return is to be called names. He called my friends losers ( because they are MY friends I guess ). But he has none. I have a feeling that he will be back, but I am honestly perceiving his behavior as controlling. This blocking thing is his way of trying to scare me and shock me enough so that the next time we get together I will have to do whatever he says out of fear not to lose him. I did like him a lot and I still do, but in all honesty I feel like some of his ways are quite sick. Who talks about kids and marriage after knowing each other for a month ( he did), and now after 4 he thinks he waited too long and still didnt make me pregnant. I do like him and I would like to have kids with him, but not under these conditions and with jim behaving this way. Limiting my freedom, calling me names...and then blocking me if I complain too much.

March 4, 2016

The drama details of this story is the same story played out so often just with different names. In just 4 months and this relationship has already turned into a job.

Cut it off now before you are actually feeling more invested. In reality you guys are just now getting to know each other. And what has been described doesn't look like much fun to me or a match made in heaven.

March 4, 2016

Now you probably wonder why I interested at all to be with a person like him. I felt like he has some problems, like he could be a different personality than how he behaves. I felt like his performance anxiety problem is taking a toll on his whole personality. And I was the one encouraging him to start seeing a psychiatrist- and he started...but it goes slow. I felt like he is the one for me, but after he sorts his problems out. Another thing- he was super close with him mother, he was telling her details of our relationship and also the sexual part and all that and she would be giving him down advices and it just looked so sick to me that he can't keep his privacy somewhat to himself or us, but that he calls his mother everyday from another room, and I can hear him talking and reveling our things. That made me all uncomfortable.

March 4, 2016

Now you probably wonder why I interested at all to be with a person like him. I felt like he has some problems, like he could be a different personality than how he behaves. I felt like his performance anxiety problem is taking a toll on his whole personality. And I was the one encouraging him to start seeing a psychiatrist- and he started...but it goes slow. I felt like he is the one for me, but after he sorts his problems out. Another thing- he was super close with him mother, he was telling her details of our relationship and also the sexual part and all that and she would be giving him down advices and it just looked so sick to me that he can't keep his privacy somewhat to himself or us, but that he calls his mother everyday from another room, and I can hear him talking and reveling our things. That made me all uncomfortable.

The relationship is clearly toxic and not what you are looking for so you've ended it. That was the right thing for you to do for you. Why are you questioning your decision and trying to make him your friend?

Let him go! If you don't feel he fulfilled your needs or treated you right then he isn't the right man for you. He is exactly what you have seen and you clearly don't like it so stop deluding yourself into believing he will change or things will get better. It was an unpleasant relationship so why would you want to continue it? It was only four months you know it wasn't right so stop dragging it out with the drama and go NC. Do not contact him. Do not respond if he contacts you.

March 4, 2016

You're right. We are in no contact now. I will not contact him. I have a mixture of feelings: Missing him and feeling like he wronged me and like I need some apology for the last thing he said. But I know that I won't get it. I know that he will be back one day to contact me, but I will probably be on some completely different page at that time.

March 4, 2016

Thanks everybody for their answers!

March 4, 2016

Just an outside observation from a father who worked in the court system on behalf of children and investigated their situations. I'm bias and on behalf of kids the one you talked about bringing into this world with this gentleman.

*Your in love already, decided on marriage and kids.

*Don't/Can't know each other yet

*From what was posted lends to male showing controlling personality

*relationship is off in a ditch already

*He has some personal metal issues to work through

All this in just 120 calendar day relationship even counting the days your not communicating and fighting.

Makes one wonder if you have low self esteem and this is what you will settle for or want that marriage and happy family dream.

Makes one wonder if you have relationship judgement deficiency.

March 4, 2016

Thank you very much for your reply. Yes I felt controlled, and in fact he was telling me that I have a controlling personality and I still don't know how did he come to that conclusion. Of course I would not have kids with him, that would be the end of my life. I felt like that's the only thing he wants from me to give him. I did actually tell him two weeks ago that I would never have kids with someone who behaves like him( he started calling me names). Maybe that's the reason why he ' gave up on us'. But it's anyways better this way then to continue the drama. I always felt like its something wrong when two people can't communicate and have to cut the communication off completely ( blocking). I have a feeling that hw will contact me again (thinking that the no contact he applies on me will make me miss him), rather then to work on things. Thanks a lot for the reply! Yes the relationship was toxic, but luckily short.

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