Author stillyoung Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Ok, im realizing feeling like im changing the rules mid game is giving me the most angst. Any advice on that?
AMJ Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Ok, im realizing feeling like im changing the rules mid game is giving me the most angst. Any advice on that? Well it's not like you're changing the rules...but you thought you'd be okay with something that ultimately isn't okay for you now. And it won't be okay with you in the future. Or didn't you say that you thought he'd compromise and eventually move closer to you- which would help the situation a little, or maybe you thought he'd eventually start driving? As for him putting this on you like, why is this a deal breaker for you, well...you can say the same to him- because he's refusing to compromise as well. It's not like you're asking him to buy a crazy expensive car and become your personal chauffeur, you're asking him to be an adult and pull his own weight in the relationship. If he were handicapped and couldn't drive for a physical or mental reason, that would be a different story. 1
preraph Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Preraph, youve kind of said what i was afraid to, it sounds so harsh. But when school was out i had to keep asking others to help with the kids. It didnt seem to bother him, he doesnt see it as an issue at all. I just wish i could make him see it like pretty much everyone else does. How do you get through to someone? It doesn't bother him because it gives him a permanent excuse to be lazy and unhelpful and not take responsibility. That's all totally his comfort zone of being. He's weighing you down. If you don't want to be entirely without him because of how long you've known him, then meet him somewhere once every three months for a drink or whatever, but don't hitch your wagon to him because he doesn't drive a wagon. Life will actually be easier for you without him because right now, he's like an overgrown teenage4r you have to take care of who won't help you with anything.
Maggie4 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 You've known him for decades, but you were not in a relationship, you were not his constant chauffer, he was not a potential partner for you. Maybe you tell him, that you accept him not driving, but he must also accept you not driving him anymore. Tell him the chauffering turned out to be more difficult for you than you expected, and ask him if he would try to bike from the train station to your house. I dunno... I think a lot of women want a man who is independent and can take care of you in an emergency. I think biking would at least show him more capable. I know an european guy who never drives, but he is resourceful and not dependent. 2
PogoStick Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Ok, im realizing feeling like im changing the rules mid game is giving me the most angst. Any advice on that? It would have been better to have figured it out in less than two years. However, if it's a major concern, it's better to figure it out now than in another 2 years when you're married. Again, you have to be willing (or not) to accept him as he is. He's shown he doesn't WANT to drive. Even if he were to change to avoid losing you, I expect he would harbor resentment. Good chance that resentment leads to a slow, bitter death to the relationship. Question: Why are you holding onto him so much? Do you feel you can't find a better man?
Author stillyoung Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Again, you have to be willing (or not) to accept him as he is. He's shown he doesn't WANT to drive. Even if he were to change to avoid losing you, I expect he would harbor resentment. Good chance that resentment leads to a slow, bitter death to the relationship. Question: Why are you holding onto him so much? Do you feel you can't find a better man? Well everything was going real well until recently. We used to spend a lot of time together in a comfortable easy going sort of way. I knew all his friends and family and vice versa, and everyone gets along great. There's a kind of acceptance that comes with knowing someone for a very long time. We went on trips together, some with and some without the kids. I helped him through his adjustments being alone, and he helped me with mine (both before we started dating). Our views on money and other things are similar, and he does get along great with my kids and treat them very well, he genuinely cares about them. That's a lot of good things for a second relationship. I think things can go on longer in limbo when you're older because you don't have that push to start a life together or have a child, etc. But recently I think we're both feeling it's getting to the make-it-or-break-it mark. He wants to move on to be married or at least living with us, but I'm hesitant and I realized this is one of the big reasons why. I just have this feeling that if you don't drive, you will just be hanging around the house constantly. If I had to go anywhere (shopping, the gym, seeing other mom friends), he would just be stuck there bored and waiting for me to get home, or making me feel bad for going out. I've tried to mention this but he gets very insulted - what, you're talking of marriage but you don't want me around the house?? What do I say to that? I guess you're right, it just comes down to whether I can accept that he doesn't WANT to drive and all the resultant division of labor and constraints, and can we make a satisfying life out of that (not the easiest with small kids and living in the suburbs). I appreciate all the answers and did note that in general people did come out against the no driving thing pretty strongly.
Els Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I think things can go on longer in limbo when you're older because you don't have that push to start a life together or have a child, etc. But recently I think we're both feeling it's getting to the make-it-or-break-it mark. He wants to move on to be married or at least living with us, but I'm hesitant and I realized this is one of the big reasons why. I just have this feeling that if you don't drive, you will just be hanging around the house constantly. If I had to go anywhere (shopping, the gym, seeing other mom friends), he would just be stuck there bored and waiting for me to get home, or making me feel bad for going out. I've tried to mention this but he gets very insulted - what, you're talking of marriage but you don't want me around the house?? What do I say to that? I find the bolded curious - is there a reason you are thinking this? Has he demonstrated such behaviour, or are you assuming that everyone who doesn't drive does this? I don't have a car - lots of young people in the country I live in don't, especially folks in the cities where parking is very expensive and not usually provided with your rental apartment, and public transport is good. But I don't hang around all day waiting for my SO to get home or make him feel bad for going out, either. If I want to go out and he's not around, I walk or take the bus. If I'm home it's because I want to be home. That being said, your concern is a valid one especially if there are kids who need to be ferried around. And you certainly have the right to not want a guy who doesn't drive. Just make sure you have the right reasons for not wanting that. "I don't want to be the only one driving kids around" is a good reason. "I assume that he would make me feel guilty for going out" isn't, because it might not be true.
PogoStick Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 If you're in the suburbs with poor public transit (combine with serious winters) then it's exceptionally difficult to live without a car. My town of 150,000 ended bus transit at around 5:30 pm. The year I went without a car, that meant I couldn't even take a bus home from work! It's pretty common to be several miles from the nearest grocery store. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 He has a driver's license, so doesn't he already know how to drive? Doesn't make sense. LOL, I wonder if the OP has seen the expiration date on that license he has in his wallet. I'll bet it's 1995.
Lois_Griffin Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Ok, im realizing feeling like im changing the rules mid game is giving me the most angst. Any advice on that? Having this guy in your life would be like having a 15 year old teenage kid that you'd have to chauffeur all over the place. Just what you need in your already overly busy life - another kid to drive around. 1
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 LOL, I wonder if the OP has seen the expiration date on that license he has in his wallet. I'll bet it's 1995. True, but one would assume since he did have a license, even if it's expired now, he still knows how to drive. It's not like he has to learn all over again. You don't forget how to drive once you learn.
Author stillyoung Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Just make sure you have the right reasons for not wanting that. "I don't want to be the only one driving kids around" is a good reason. "I assume that he would make me feel guilty for going out" isn't, because it might not be true. Elswyth, good catch. Yes, there has been evidence of this behavior. It's possible I'm going after the wrong thing, something more like him preferring to be dependent on a wife or him liking others to do things for him, and driving is just a symptom of that. To answer the others, he now lives in the city so takes buses and the subway, and there are tons, no issue there. When he's by me he takes the commuter train but it's many blocks away and he has walked but then started complaining about it. He won't outright ask for a ride anymore because of our fights over this. In the city you can live that way fine, but by me he's stuck. He's said he could make up for this by doing extra chores or watching the kids while I go out, but that doesn't nearly make up for half the work that needs to be done. In the middle of dinner, I have to run out and get the item that's missing. I have to go out at 10pm when we're out of milk. I have to take the kids everywhere, schedule clothes shopping trips, etc etc etc. You all know the deal. How come he doesn't?? He just doesn't see it as an issue at all and doesn't seem to feel there might be a power shift or something if we got married. Yes, if he has learned to drive in the past (decades ago?) he should be able to pick it up again. But he hasn't made a move at all.
introverted1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 If I understand correctly, your bf currently lives in the city, where a car is not needed, but is considering moving in with you, in the suburbs. Rather than try to change your bf, why not ask him how he plans to address things such as: - getting from the train to your house - picking up groceries/prescriptions/whatever - going to an event in which you are not interested or able to attend - taking a child to a scheduled event or doctor - etc. You can agree that it's not reasonable to change him, but then he also has to agree that it's not reasonable to change you, either, which means that you cannot be expected to provide transportation for an additional person. See what solutions he offers. It's fine for him not to drive. What isn't fine is an expectation that you will pick up his slack. 2
preraph Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 The fact he won't change this for you is indicative that he's not going to be a cooperative mate in other ways as well. He's going to do what he wants when he wants, not be a participating part of your family except when it's convenient. And of course he wants to get married. He needs to lock down a chauffeur.
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 If I understand correctly, your bf currently lives in the city, where a car is not needed, but is considering moving in with you, in the suburbs. Rather than try to change your bf, why not ask him how he plans to address things such as: - getting from the train to your house - picking up groceries/prescriptions/whatever - going to an event in which you are not interested or able to attend - taking a child to a scheduled event or doctor - etc. You can agree that it's not reasonable to change him, but then he also has to agree that it's not reasonable to change you, either, which means that you cannot be expected to provide transportation for an additional person. See what solutions he offers. It's fine for him not to drive. What isn't fine is an expectation that you will pick up his slack. Agree with this. As I mentioned, I live in the city too and don't need to drive, or even have a car. But I know if I were to leave the city, I would most definitely need to get a car and drive. Has he even thought about these things? His attitude seems ludicrous to me quite frankly.
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I've been with my boyfriend (we're in our 40's) about 2 years and for the most part everything was OK, he's great with my kids, etc. But here is another issue I wanted some feedback on, the fact that he doesn't drive. In his first marriage they lived in the city so there was the subway and buses. If they needed a car his wife would do all the driving. He has a drivers license but now that he's alone he still won't drive and says he doesn't need a car. He will take the train out by me in the suburbs, but then I have to pick him up from the station and drive him back in the morning. I work too so this can get stressful. When I've pushed the subject he first said that he didn't need to drive. But we've decided if we become permanent he would move here so the kids don't need to switch schools, but you need to drive in the suburbs. Then he said he'd do all the cooking and take care of the kids to make up for it, but the reality is you need a car to cart the kids around to activities and to go grocery shopping. He finally said, when we get married then he'll learn to drive, but that doesn't sound right somehow, like an ultimatum. He won't tell me why he doesn't want to drive, and gets defensive, and gets mad if I just say, go to a driving school and test it out, see what you think. He says I should just accept him as he is. But I know I will get resentful if I have to do everything, every shopping trip, every grocery trip, taking the kids everywhere, every single time. Plus if he wanted to see his friends or go to a movie, I have to take him. I'm already resentful about that, like I didn't expect to be driving for every single date. He now refuses to talk about the subject and says why do all women just want to change us (the men). Yes I know I am wanting to "change him," but is that unreasonable? How do I keep from feeling everything is getting lopsided and feeling resentful? How do I keep from feeling everything is getting lopsided and feeling resentful? -- You can't keep from feeling that way if it actually is lopsided and causing resentment. Plus if he wanted to see his friends or go to a movie, I have to take him. -- My mom used to have to do this for me . . . He now refuses to talk about the subject and says why do all women just want to change us (the men). -- So, he wants you to change and accept this? Yes I know I am wanting to "change him," but is that unreasonable? -- Yes, it is unreasonable only because you can't change him, he has to want to change. He's happy with his situation and isn't willing to change for you. So, what do you do -- you move on because it's not working for you. If you don't want to be a chauffeur, drop the client off and stop driving the limo.
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 If he doesn't want to drive living in the 'burbs will be impractical but not impossible. My mother didn't learn to drive until her mid 40s. She finally moved out of NYC where she never needed to drive then found herself basically stranded. It changed her view on driving. In this day & age there are Uber & Lyft cars but those can get expensive. Is moving to someplace where he can walk to the center of town or catch a train an option?
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Has he really thought through what moving to the suburbs means? He is already moaning about the extra walking, how is he going to cope with being "housebound" due to looking after kids or lack of transportation. The lack of freedom will get him down, so it will not only be you harbouring resentment. Surely he sees that. He, I guess has some sort of phobia or just a fear of driving after so long. He is ashamed hence the anger and the procrastination.
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 >>Plus if he wanted to see his friends or go to a movie, I have to take him. >>He now refuses to talk about the subject and says why do all women just want to change us (the men) --------------------- Oh good god his attitude is completely unreasonable.... this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Bless your heart OP for trying to work this out
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 >>Plus if he wanted to see his friends or go to a movie, I have to take him. >>He now refuses to talk about the subject and says why do all women just want to change us (the men) --------------------- Oh good god his attitude is completely unreasonable.... this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Bless your heart OP for trying to work this out And to add^^ - no you absolutely don't need to take him, and you should NOT take him. In fact you should not take him anywhere. He a grown man...you tell him to call Uber or a taxi, you are not his damn chauffeur for god's sake.
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I am reading laziness all over this man. He doesn't want the bother of driving because he doesn't want all the chores associated with driving like doing errands, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, picking up the dry cleaning and 100 other things. Lazy lazy lazy... Then he doesn't want to bother with 'driving' BUT he wants the comfort of being driven around!! Let me guess...does he pay gas? does he pay part of the car insurance? about registration? Now, what man has a drivers license and doesn't want to drive and impose on his gf all the responsibilities of driving? What type of man doesn't take pride in driving his gf around? What man is not bothered by picking his own children up. What kind of man is ok with not helping is girlfriend if she gets stranded somewhere! You can never count on him . He won't pick you up if you get stranded somewhere, he won't drive if you are tired, he won't come and get you if you are stuck somewhere. I"m sorry, that's not a man in my eyes. He is lacking the 'essence' of what being a man is. 2
introverted1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 If I understand correctly, your bf currently lives in the city, where a car is not needed, but is considering moving in with you, in the suburbs. Rather than try to change your bf, why not ask him how he plans to address things such as: - getting from the train to your house - picking up groceries/prescriptions/whatever - going to an event in which you are not interested or able to attend - taking a child to a scheduled event or doctor - etc. And it's not just the stuff above but also what happens when HE wants to go out? Or needs to see the dentist? Or has a doctor's appointment? I don't think he has thought through the reality of day-to-day life in the suburbs.
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I don't think he has thought through the reality of day-to-day life in the suburbs. I don't think so either. The OP cannot spend her life ferrying around a grown man. 2
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