stillyoung Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I've been with my boyfriend (we're in our 40's) about 2 years and for the most part everything was OK, he's great with my kids, etc. But here is another issue I wanted some feedback on, the fact that he doesn't drive. In his first marriage they lived in the city so there was the subway and buses. If they needed a car his wife would do all the driving. He has a drivers license but now that he's alone he still won't drive and says he doesn't need a car. He will take the train out by me in the suburbs, but then I have to pick him up from the station and drive him back in the morning. I work too so this can get stressful. When I've pushed the subject he first said that he didn't need to drive. But we've decided if we become permanent he would move here so the kids don't need to switch schools, but you need to drive in the suburbs. Then he said he'd do all the cooking and take care of the kids to make up for it, but the reality is you need a car to cart the kids around to activities and to go grocery shopping. He finally said, when we get married then he'll learn to drive, but that doesn't sound right somehow, like an ultimatum. He won't tell me why he doesn't want to drive, and gets defensive, and gets mad if I just say, go to a driving school and test it out, see what you think. He says I should just accept him as he is. But I know I will get resentful if I have to do everything, every shopping trip, every grocery trip, taking the kids everywhere, every single time. Plus if he wanted to see his friends or go to a movie, I have to take him. I'm already resentful about that, like I didn't expect to be driving for every single date. He now refuses to talk about the subject and says why do all women just want to change us (the men). Yes I know I am wanting to "change him," but is that unreasonable? How do I keep from feeling everything is getting lopsided and feeling resentful?
Maggie4 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Was he ok with transportation between relationships? Or does he have rides now only because he has you?
loveweary11 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Sounds like he had a bad experience or has a phobia about driving. See if you can figure it out... 2
AMJ Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 This would bother me too. What is his hangup about driving? The cost of getting a car? Or being afraid of driving? You're not being unreasonable. Though I don't know how you've made it two years with this issue. And how much longer does he need to determine whether or not you guys are "permanent" enough so he moves closer to you? In my early 20s I dated a guy who didn't have a car or a phone...my friends always teased me about that one. He put gas in my car once or twice which was nice.
PogoStick Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 You should accept him for who he is: a man who doesn't drive and shows strong resistance to starting. Ok, now that you've accepted the truth, are you willing to continue the relationship with him? 3
preraph Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I would not put up with it. He's not even willing to face whatever fear about driving he has (more likely a prejudice) to be with you? Tell him it's mandatory if you are going to stay with him because grown men drive in your part of the country. I have a friend who's kid decided he doesn't want to because his dad has filled him full of bull from when he lived in Boston and made him think cars are evil, and he lives in a town where there's no choice. His other won't make him learn it and I guarantee you she will be going by his "needs" schedule carting him around when he's 40 because of it, just like you are. You'll be stuck with all errands FOREVER. Don't stay with him if he won't learn to drive, get a car and pay for his insurance.
spriggan2 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) Personally I don't think you should accept his lack of explanation for why he doesn't want to drive. Not needing a car doesn't wash for me. However once you get the real reason, then you have to decide if you can accept that or not. If not, then I don't think you should change him. You might have to find someone else? It's more than reasonable to expect your partner to drive if he is capable. Edited March 3, 2016 by spriggan2
preraph Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 You need to stop taking him anywhere at all and let him find his own way. Truth is he does want transportation. He's very likely to cheap to get his own or else has an irrational fear or prejudice. Stop enabling him. It would be like if you told him you were never going to shop for groceries and left that up to him for the rest of your lives or like you saying you were never going to prepare any food. Just tell him it's a dealbreaker and that you are not taking him anywhere else because it's using up your time and gas money. Just refuse to take him anywhere at all.
S_A Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Sounds like he had a bad experience or has a phobia about driving. See if you can figure it out... This was also my gut reaction.
Wewon Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Not to go off on a tangent, but back in the late 90s early 00s I had a friend that refused to get an email account. He said that it wasn't his "thing". I knew another person that refused to get a cell phone, he didn't want to have an 'electric leash'. I knew someone in the late 80s early 90s that didn't have an answering machine, said that it was useless and that he would get by without one. In all of these cases, these people refusal to pick up a basic utility/tool/skill meant that keeping them in our lives was more difficult. Everyone around them had to adapt to them, eventhough it was less efficient and didn't make sense. Personally, I would be annoyed by someone that draws a line in the sand that causes everyone around him to cater. Something like driving is a basic skill, and should be expected from a person in their 40s. If he were in his 70s with slower reflexes it would be understandable. 2
basil67 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 He's absolutely correct that you have to accept him for who he is. So you have to ask yourself whether or not you can accept him not driving. If you can't accept it, then you will need to move on. Also, I highly doubt that he'll get his license after you're married. What difference does marriage make to deciding whether or not to drive?? It just doesn't make sense, so I think he's just making empty promises. All that said, if he actually talks with you and discloses a phobia or an illness which means that he can't drive, perhaps it won't be so bad for you. I always think that it's easier to manage a 'can't' as opposed to 'won't' 1
basil67 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 And there is also the issues that he doesn't care about inconveniencing you
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 He has a drivers license but now that he's alone he still won't drive and says he doesn't need a car. He finally said, when we get married then he'll learn to drive, He has a driver's license, so doesn't he already know how to drive? Doesn't make sense.
CarrieT Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I was in your shoes, OP. For me, I met this great guy when I was 28 - going on 29. We lived at the beach cities in Los Angeles and he had a whole rash of reasons why he had never learned to drive. I dealt with it and he promised he would learn. There were always reasons; too expensive to buy a car, too expensive for insurance, he could get where he wanted to go via public transportation, he walked everywhere, etc... As I approached my 40th birthday, my bro-in-law GAVE my BF a car. Granted, it wasn't great, but it was a car so the reasons of expense was thrown out the window. We spent money on lessons for him but he was always really uncomfortable behind the wheel. He cited lists of famous people who didn't drive. I dealt with it for over eleven years and the breaking point for me was when I was in a near-fatal car accident and my BF couldn't help. He couldn't come see me at the hospital I was at. He couldn't pick me up when I checked out. He couldn't get to the pharmacy to get me meds. He couldn't get us groceries other than what he could carry. If we lived in New York or San Francisco, not driving wouldn't have been as big of an issue, but it WAS an issue and it (and other things about his lack of personal growth) became an issue and I ended the relationship. Trust me when I say that you cannot badger, cajole, plead, or hope your BF will ever change FOR YOU. Because he won't. He will either want to drive for himself or not. And you can either stay in the relationship or not. 3
todreaminblue Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) speaking from a woman's point of view who doesnt drive.....i am scared to drive...im scared for me and the people i would carry in the car and i am scared for the other people on the road.....i lose track of time...i vague out sometimes for lengthy periods....its not really controllable...and it only take seconds at 60 km an hour to ram into a tree or another car..i feel like with others.....i have to defend the fact i dont drive...i have had conversations where people have said you should drive theres no reason why you shouldnt and another back handed slap of a conversation where someone said every woman should drive its how they are truly independent who do these women think they are royalty being chaffeured around they should drive...it was spiteful jab at me said to my daughter..... from my view...some people dont drive.....for whatever reason...maybe there is no other reason than they dont want to...for me its a choice i make to protect myself and others.....doesnt stop me saying however maybe i should learn to drive when a conversation comes up to fit in and not have to defend my non driving status......but my heart knows....i shouldnt learn to drive even though....it limits me...makes me less independant.....and thought of as a curiosity or a scabbie(scabber of lifts)........i pay my way....somehow i pay for the lifts i get or i catch cabs..does he help with fuel and car costs other than the driving aspect...maybe thats one of the reasons why my ex left me i dont drive....and his affair partner who does drive was the one who had that conversation with my daughter....so maybe non driving makes it impossible for someone like your partner to be in a relationship with you too,i think your heart should let you feel what should happen..deb Edited March 3, 2016 by todreaminblue
Author stillyoung Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Todream, you seem to actually have a reason though. You said you are out of it for periods of time, maybe theres a medical issue. I guess i just want him to be completely honest and go to a neurologist if he thinks there is a concentration issue, or a therapist if there is fear. But to just say, no i dont want to try or deal with the fear, i guess i start suspecting he just got used to everyone driving him around. I dont like to be taken advantage of. I dont want to think the worst but i dont havemuch choice. Hes said, youre really going to make the driving issue a dealbreaker? And im starting to think yes. He makes me feel like **** for thinking that though. I needed some reassurance from others (you guys:)
preraph Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Good grief, there are far bigger compromises and sacrifices this man would have to make if he gets married and especially if you have children. You can't be expected to carry that load by yourself. He can't even be bothered to learn to drive, for God's sake. You need accept none of his attempts to make you feel guilty. He's the one who won't do one of the most basic needs all the rest of us do in order to stay in a relationship, not you. He's acting like a spoiled child, and I bet you that's what he is. You don't need to win the argument with him. All you need to do is stop driving for him and let him fend for himself and leave if he doesn't like it. But yes, you need someone who can help you if you're ill or hurt and quickly. So you'd never be able to let him watch the kids because he couldn't take one to school or to the doctor. He'd be pretty much useless. Why saddle yourself with that. When you share a life, share it with someone who adds to your comfort and makes your life better and easier. The fact he's irrational about this is a sign of something deeper, and that's the bigger problem. You can't make someone change. Don't hold out hope he will if he's held out this long. 3
Author stillyoung Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 To answer more, he's taken the subway and bus in the inbetween times. Im definitely trying to get to the bottom of it but he refuses to talk anymore about it. It is me that is holding off being permanent, for reasons like this. I also dont really believe he will drive on condition of marriage, that just somehow sounds hollow or cheapens the marriage commitment (we'll get married when you earn more money or lose some weight. Ick.) those never seem to work. btw, ive known him since childhood so we all got used to the driving thing, though how do you "unaccept" something when you start dating? I'm afraid that those who said yes accept him as he is, someone not willing to approach driving. Then decide if i can accept that in a relationship. Very sad about that though.im just so afraid it sounds so shallow.
Author stillyoung Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Preraph, youve kind of said what i was afraid to, it sounds so harsh. But when school was out i had to keep asking others to help with the kids. It didnt seem to bother him, he doesnt see it as an issue at all. I just wish i could make him see it like pretty much everyone else does. How do you get through to someone?
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I live and work in a relatively large city and sold my car last year as all it was doing was sitting in the garage and every time I went to use it (every few weeks), the battery was dead and had to call AAA. So I sold it and now take Ubers or cabs all over....but I have a license and if need be I will rent a car.... which I do sometimes when visiting a friend in North County or Los Angeles, etc. I could understand he may have a fear of driving, perhaps he was in a bad accident, perhaps he hurt or god forbid even killed someone, when drinking and driving, who knows! However, that said, why the defensive reaction when you ask him about it? Why not just tell you the reason he doesn't want to drive? Actually, that would bother me more than the fact he doesn't want to drive. 1
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Good grief, there are far bigger compromises and sacrifices this man would have to make if he gets married and especially if you have children. You can't be expected to carry that load by yourself. He can't even be bothered to learn to drive, for God's sake. OP, you said in your original post he has his driver's license so he already knows how to drive....so it's not even a matter of him learning to drive....he obviously does not want to drive.... which yeah I agree would be a big burden on you should you get married.
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 OP, you said in your original post he has his driver's license so he already knows how to drive....so it's not even a matter of him learning to drive....he obviously does not want to drive.... which yeah I agree would be a big burden on you should you get married. Yeah. My Ex never learned and - in the case of an emergency - couldn't get behind a wheel if his life depended on it. There is a big difference.
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Yeah. My Ex never learned and - in the case of an emergency - couldn't get behind a wheel if his life depended on it. There is a big difference. That is actually pretty scary when you think about it. I mean just as an example my brother once had a medical emergency (bleeding from a very private area - sorry if TMI), that required him getting to the hospital ASAP!! Could not even wait for the ambulance as time was of the essence. His wife drove him and he actually almost died in the car but she got him there in time and he's fine now. But can you imagine if she didn't drive - he may have been waiting ten minutes or longer for the ambulance to arrive.... And for the OP, especially with the kids..... I dunno, this could actually be a dealbreaker for me.
todreaminblue Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Todream, you seem to actually have a reason though. You said you are out of it for periods of time, maybe theres a medical issue. I guess i just want him to be completely honest and go to a neurologist if he thinks there is a concentration issue, or a therapist if there is fear. But to just say, no i dont want to try or deal with the fear, i guess i start suspecting he just got used to everyone driving him around. I dont like to be taken advantage of. I dont want to think the worst but i dont havemuch choice. Hes said, youre really going to make the driving issue a dealbreaker? And im starting to think yes. He makes me feel like **** for thinking that though. I needed some reassurance from others (you guys:) i see your point and he has a license ( i read back over the thread)..has he opened up about any fear or other reason why he wont drive.....everybody has deal breakers......and you have the right to feel how you feel....he needs to communicate the reason why more fully with you......its not fair you are in the dark to the reason why he wont drive.....and i can feel resentment as such....building...thats not good....and it isnt your fault you dont know...... try talking to him and say hey yes i am sorry to say it is heading to a deal breaker because i dont understand why you wont drive ...i would liek to understand the reason why...can you explain it to me...maybe..that might work..i wish you well still young .....deb
Author stillyoung Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 You know, i dont even know if he could actually drive in an emergency. How often do you take the drivers test to renew a licence? I cant remember ever driving to renew, ive taken the written test though. But of course i dont know, we cant talk about it! This irks me more and more, especially because i just got a ticket because my plates expired. My fault totally, but again i am the one to deal with it, get it renewed, fight the ticket, etc. I guess i knew all along he didnt drive( known him for decades) but i sort of thought we could deal with it or he'd learn, well after all he did get by for all this time and his wife didn't care. Now 2 years have gone by and i feel a little like i'm changing the rules in the middle of the game
Recommended Posts