Cheated with Engaged Man

March 3, 2016

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, marriedfor 15. We have 3 beautiful children. In the past few years, we’ve had issues,like all couples and we’ve felt distant from each other. I’ve been thinking ofbeing with someone else but the situation has never presented itself. Untilrecently, I felt a connection with a co-worker. So last week, I decided to sendhim a text, asking him out for a drink. I thought go out for a drink and seewhat happens. Very quickly, the text messages became very sexual, from him,which took me by surprised. He is 28 and engaged. I am 43.

He said that he didn’t think he could meet with me althoughhe would really like to. I continued to text him and a few days later we wereintimate. Immediately after he said thatit couldn’t happen again that it wouldn’t be right since we are both with otherpeople. I reached out to him again today, thinking that maybe we could at leastcontinue our flirtation via text. And he said although he would like tocontinue he really shouldn’t. I am notexpecting any attachment here, but I guess I was expecting something more becauseI’m feeling strange, like I was dumped,but there’s nothing here (no relationship) to acknowledge. Has anyone ever beenin a similar situation and how did you deal/get over your feelings?

Edited March 3, 2016 by sunshine04

March 3, 2016

Tell your husband about this. That will knock you out of fantasyland quick, believe me.

Dumped? Honey you are married. You have no right to this relationship.

Please be careful. This will end badly and is not fair to your spouse and his fiancee.

Have you done any reading on the subject?

Edited March 3, 2016 by katielee

March 3, 2016

There are easier and more compassionate ways to end a marriage you don't want that can ease the burden for you ex-spouse and kids.

No, I'm not posting to the wrong thread. Actions like this WILL end your marriage. It just takes a little longer, and often wrecks a few other relationships in the process.

March 3, 2016

Feel sorry for your Hubby and kids. You initiated every single time. The ole excuse "I never saw it coming. It just happened" goes out the window in your situation.

Get some therapy. Like, right now.

And yes, it crossed my mind to be unfaithful when I was married. But guess what, I took my vows seriously and never acted on the temptation.

March 3, 2016

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, marriedfor 15. We have 3 beautiful children. In the past few years, we’ve had issues,like all couples and we’ve felt distant from each other. I’ve been thinking ofbeing with someone else but the situation has never presented itself. Untilrecently, I felt a connection with a co-worker. So last week, I decided to sendhim a text, asking him out for a drink. I thought go out for a drink and seewhat happens. Very quickly, the text messages became very sexual, from him,which took me by surprised. He is 28 and engaged. I am 43.

He said that he didn’t think he could meet with me althoughhe would really like to. I continued to text him and a few days later we wereintimate. Immediately after he said thatit couldn’t happen again that it wouldn’t be right since we are both with otherpeople. I reached out to him again today, thinking that maybe we could at leastcontinue our flirtation via text. And he said although he would like tocontinue he really shouldn’t. I am notexpecting any attachment here, but I guess I was expecting something more becauseI’m feeling strange, like I was dumped,but there’s nothing here (no relationship) to acknowledge. Has anyone ever beenin a similar situation and how did you deal/get over your feelings?

You were dumped. But so what. It was just an affair right?

You knew he was engaged, and he knew you were married.

Likely what happened is that he is very attracted to you, and when you aggressively approached him for an affair, he couldn't turn you down.

After you two had sex, he probably thought of his fiance and got a case of the guilts, realized he loved his fiance, and did not want to blow it for an affair.

IMO, and IME, woman can not separate sex from love. They make think they can, but they can't.

When dumped, they always feel used.

Think of it this way, instead....You both used each other.

March 3, 2016

There is a website named ashley madison. You may have heard about it.

It's designed for people WILLFULLY plan and decide to cheat.

You go into the site, fill out a profile--with details of what you desire--what turns you on, kinky, vanilla, oral, anal, whatever you want--the world is filled with possibilities.

Then you get a partner with SIMILAR intentions and values (or lack thereof); or many partners if you wish.

It's a perfect match.

If you have been intending to cheat on your husband because you're bored, that's lovely. But just don't go chasing and luring a man who is engaged. Find someone who has a sense of morals matching to yours.

March 3, 2016

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, marriedfor 15. We have 3 beautiful children.

Was the one night worth it?

Seems like a big risk - STD, divorce, shame, alienation, etc. - for little return...

Mr. Lucky

March 3, 2016

You were dumped.

Though being you were the one to start this affair you were not abused.

However you did abuse his GF and your BH.

Time to put things right. This poor GF needs the truth before she marries her cheating BF. For all to often when they cheat on you before they marry you they will cheat on you after you are married to them.

Tell this poor woman before she throws away years of her life.

As to your BH he needs the truth. Do not condemn this man to live the rest of his life based on a lie. That you were always faithful.

March 3, 2016

Feel sorry for your Hubby and kids. You initiated every single time. The ole excuse "I never saw it coming. It just happened" goes out the window in your situation.

Get some therapy. Like, right now.

And yes, it crossed my mind to be unfaithful when I was married. But guess what, I took my vows seriously and never acted on the temptation.

This. Temptation is normal.

It is what is done when temptation occurs that is important.

March 3, 2016

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, marriedfor 15. We have 3 beautiful children. In the past few years, we’ve had issues,like all couples and we’ve felt distant from each other. I’ve been thinking ofbeing with someone else but the situation has never presented itself. Untilrecently, I felt a connection with a co-worker. So last week, I decided to sendhim a text, asking him out for a drink. I thought go out for a drink and seewhat happens. Very quickly, the text messages became very sexual, from him,which took me by surprised. He is 28 and engaged. I am 43.

He said that he didn’t think he could meet with me althoughhe would really like to. I continued to text him and a few days later we wereintimate. Immediately after he said thatit couldn’t happen again that it wouldn’t be right since we are both with otherpeople. I reached out to him again today, thinking that maybe we could at leastcontinue our flirtation via text. And he said although he would like tocontinue he really shouldn’t. I am notexpecting any attachment here, but I guess I was expecting something more becauseI’m feeling strange, like I was dumped,but there’s nothing here (no relationship) to acknowledge. Has anyone ever beenin a similar situation and how did you deal/get over your feelings?

You could have ended it right then and there, but you didn't? Not to mention that you continued flirting with him because?

I get we all have problems in a relationship and all but why add this to the list of problems? .-.

March 3, 2016

He tried it, found whatever he had with you was not worth it and moved on-

I hope you find a healthier way to fill your void-

Best of luck!

March 3, 2016

There is a website named ashley madison. You may have heard about it.

It's designed for people WILLFULLY plan and decide to cheat.

You go into the site, fill out a profile--with details of what you desire--what turns you on, kinky, vanilla, oral, anal, whatever you want--the world is filled with possibilities.

Then you get a partner with SIMILAR intentions and values (or lack thereof); or many partners if you wish.

It's a perfect match.

If you have been intending to cheat on your husband because you're bored, that's lovely. But just don't go chasing and luring a man who is engaged. Find someone who has a sense of morals matching to yours.

This so much, your last sentence. Everyone deals with temptation, that's just part of being human. It really doesn't matter if you're tempted, as long as you don't act on it.

March 3, 2016

And please tell your husband. tell him the truth about what happened.

March 4, 2016

There is a thread here in infidelity about an older married woman who had an affair with an 18 year old boy. She texted with the boy first....and eventually had a full blown affair with him....until he broke up with her.

Her story was very very sad because so many lives could be affected by her poor behavior.

Do not be this woman.....stop all contact with this young man.....before you too destroy innocent lives.

Cling to your husband and your family....get therapy and help.....tell your husband what you have done and how you feel and give him the chance to help you help your relationship.

If you no longer love him....then divorce him.

March 4, 2016

I will ask you the same question I asked Scorpio....what is it you want from folks here at loveshack?

Are you looking for advice and help...or do you just want to tell us your story like she did?

March 4, 2016

I continued to text him and a few days later we were intimate. Immediately after he said that it couldn’t happen again that it wouldn’t be right since we are both with other people. I reached out to him again today, thinking that maybe we could at least continue our flirtation via text. And he said although he would like to continue he really shouldn’t. I am not expecting any attachment here, but I guess I was expecting something more because I’m feeling strange, like I was dumped

Hey Sunshine, yes you were dumped. Perhaps he thinks that sex with you was not good enough to be worth it. Perhaps he wanted strange, and now that he got it, you are no longer considered strange anymore (if you do not know what I mean by strange in this context, look it up). In any event you must look elsewhere to find someone to cheat on your marriage and husband with. Not to worry, there is always going to be a guy that wants easy no obligation sex, that will lack the moral values to care that you are married; in fact many of these guys look for sex with married woman because the do not want to actually have any obligations associate with the woman. They just want the sex.

Please be advised, that should you get caught and your marriage ends over this, statistics show that single women over 45 are rarely are able to get married again. These same statistics show that men your husbands age will have no problem finding a new wife, that will usually be younger than their first wife.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Try

March 4, 2016

Please be advised, that should you get caught and your marriage ends over this, statistics show that single women over 45 are rarely are able to get married again. These same statistics show that men your husbands age will have no problem finding a new wife, that will usually be younger than their first wife.

This makes me sick. It is ONE of the many reasons I remain married. Yes. A less important one but one I consider. More unfair crap.

March 4, 2016

Would it bother you at all if your husband was having sex behind your back with a young 28 year old woman and putting your health at risk for STD's?

March 4, 2016

This makes me sick. It is ONE of the many reasons I remain married. Yes. A less important one but one I consider. More unfair crap.

Men have the dating advantage at 45 for much of the same reasons that women have the advantage at 25. A 25 year old guy is competing with 25, 35 and 45 year old guys for a 25 year old woman, just like a 45 year old women is competing with 45, 35, and 25 year old women for a 45 year old man. Not fair for either, but it is what it is. Edited March 4, 2016 by Try

March 4, 2016

sunshine04,

I am not going to beat you up in this post. Others have done a good job, but I am worried about you. You have put everything you love and have in danger for cheap sex. You have risked much, and it was not for love. Your husband, your kids, and your family as a whole are on the edge. You may not think that what you have done will come out, but these things have a habit of doing just so. You seem, you want to go to the next man, and then the next, not thinking of the pain, and damage to your kids and your husband.

And then there is you. You have sold yourself cheaply. I would have much more respect for a woman that falls head over heads for someone and steps out, then the woman that just goes for sex. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but you will regret this. You will regret what you have done. You will regret the pain and suffering done to your children and to your man. I do not believe a loving woman would not. Are you not that?

I worry for you, because, you only see the fun side of what you have done, but what you have started, will not stop. You now have the power to at least try and make it right.

Tell your husband what you did. Beg for a second chance, and know, that you do not deserve it, and if he gives to you, out of love, remember the gift that it is. If this happens, work to deserve it. Read the top post on this board.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

Understand it, follow it, live it.

I do not think you are a "bad" person, I think you did a really bad thing. Try and make it right.

I wish you, but more importantly, your husband and kids, all the luck needed to get trough and past this.

March 4, 2016

Please be advised, that should you get caught and your marriage ends over this, statistics show that single women over 45 are rarely are able to get married again. These same statistics show that men your husbands age will have no problem finding a new wife, that will usually be younger than their first wife.

That is not exactly true. A lot of older woman once divorced decide that THEY do not want to remarry, and the stats show that it is WOMEN who are initiating the divorces these days.

My sister divorced her near do well husband at 52. She was remarried within two years.

The point we should be making is that she will hurt someone she likely loves.

If she does not love him she should divorce. Been there done that, and I know what I am talking about.

Some strange is not worth it. Obviously this engaged man realized that right away.

Strange sounds exciting, but strange soon becomes same old same ol.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Liam1

March 4, 2016

I am notexpecting any attachment here, but I guess I was expecting something more becauseI’m feeling strange, like I was dumped,but there’s nothing here (no relationship) to acknowledge. Has anyone ever beenin a similar situation and how did you deal/get over your feelings?

You weren't dumped; just used. See the difference?

March 4, 2016

Thank you for your thoughts and honest feedback I was never looking for anyone to support or think that what I had done was appropriate or respectful, to myself or to his fiancee.

Emotions are everywhere now and so I'm just trying to deal with them the best that I can.

Thank you to Liam for calling this what it was and nothing more.

March 4, 2016

You seem a little non-chalant about the decision to enter into this. Like,"yeah, we just had the normal issues that happen in a M, so I just wanted to be with someone else." And it just happened. Maybe you need to address what's going on in your M a little deeper. Oddly, you seem to have more concern for being respectful to his fiancé than your H/family.

March 4, 2016

what I had done was appropriate or respectful, to myself or to his fiancee.

sunshine - what about your husband in all this?

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