sweetlove Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Need some advise on my boyfriend of 1 year. We’ve had an open and honest relationship and we love each other very much. We are planning to get married in the future. He’s in his late 20’s and younger than me by 8 years. This past weekend he confessed to me (after I asked) that he had slept with some of the girls (3) that we run in a social circle with. His experiences were before him and I had started dating. I’m okay with the fact that he had slept with each of them– but I’m not okay that he has kept it a secret from me for the past year. During our year of dating he has gone on camping trips, weekend trips, BBQs, parties, etc, with one of these girls – the whole time saying that he never had and never would have interest in her. These occasions were without me. There was a party that they were both overly aggressive with each other while dancing (with the help of a little alcohol). I was at that party. It upset me at first, but then he laughed it off while ensuring me that he would never have interest in someone like “Darci” (he thought she was a b*&ch and not his type in looks). The other two girls were a long time ago (the funny thing about them – they are sisters). I know that the past is the past and I’m okay with that – I knew his past was a little wild when I first started dating him. But knowingly keeping secrets from me about a girl that he spends partying time alone with – I’m not sure about that. He has a history with me of some dishonesty – and I’ve had to rebuild trust on occasions. He says that nothing has ever happened between them since we started dating -- but it's hard to trust. Even if something small happened, he wouldn't tell me because he knows it would end our relationship. I want to believe him and I keep telling myself that I should trust him. What do you guys think?
Craig Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Appreciate his honesty. It looks like in the beginning of the relationship he was not as serious about you as he is now and I hear that is normal. I think you can trust him.
crazy_grl Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by sweetlove This past weekend he confessed to me (after I asked) that he had slept with some of the girls (3) that we run in a social circle with. His experiences were before him and I had started dating. I’m okay with the fact that he had slept with each of them– but I’m not okay that he has kept it a secret from me for the past year. At this point, I thought, So what? He doesn't need to tell you about every woman he slept with. That's the past. I had a fling with a mutual friend of mine & my ex's. I don't think my ex ever knew about it, because the subject of the 2 of us never came up. It wasn't really anything important enough to mention as the other guy and I were completely through as anything other than friends. During our year of dating he has gone on camping trips, weekend trips, BBQs, parties, etc, with one of these girls – the whole time saying that he never had and never would have interest in her. These occasions were without me. There was a party that they were both overly aggressive with each other while dancing (with the help of a little alcohol). I was at that party. It upset me at first, but then he laughed it off while ensuring me that he would never have interest in someone like “Darci” (he thought she was a b*&ch and not his type in looks). But then there's this part. If my ex had asked about me & our friend, I would have told him. It sounds like your guy flat out lied to you, probably so that you wouldn't make a big deal out of him spending time with her. It's one thing if the subject has never come up. It's another if you've voiced suspicions, and he's said he never had any interest in her and never would. The fact that he lied about the never had interest part makes me suspicious that he may be lying about the never will have too. He lied to benefit only himself, and I don't think I could trust him after that. You have to decide if you can.
westernxer Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 The fact that he's told you all this means he's serious about this relationship. Give him an A for effort.
Cecelius Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 If this was a guy posting about dudes his g/f slept with that she didn't disclose, a lot of people would be beating up the g/f... 1. You seem to have dealt with the idea that he hangs with these people and taken that off the table. Personally, it's not in my picture to date someone who hangs around with people they used to bang, especially if these are ONS types of things. If they don't have pride enough not to bang their friends, they don't have pride enough for me to date them. 2. Basically, its that on two separate occasions you've identified inappropriate behavior (the dancing) or potential conflicts of interest (the camping, etc.) and you were both denied the truth (though his story might be true - he may never have thought anything of her emotionally) and actively lied to. I think you just let him know you find those episodes not okay, you expect he'll keep an appropriate distance from them, he won't deceive you again, and if any of the above is violated, you're gone. In the meantime, if he's never had a cheating episode in his past, I wouldn't worry about him cheating on you.
westernxer Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius If this was a guy posting about dudes his g/f slept with that she didn't disclose, a lot of people would be beating up the g/f... No, we'd beat up on him for putting up with it.
crazy_grl Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius Personally, it's not in my picture to date someone who hangs around with people they used to bang, especially if these are ONS types of things. If they don't have pride enough not to bang their friends, they don't have pride enough for me to date them. In his case, it seems like just a matter of banging his friends for fun, but you shouldn't assume that about everyone who's still friends with someone they've slept with. Sometimes it's a matter of trying to take the friendship into romance, then realizing you're meant to be together and then going back to friends. And no matter how many people say that's not possible, I will always say that it is under the right circumstances and with the right attitudes about it.
Cecelius Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer No, we'd beat up on him for putting up with it. Good point... Originally posted by crazy_grl In his case, it seems like just a matter of banging his friends for fun, but you shouldn't assume that about everyone who's still friends with someone they've slept with. Sometimes it's a matter of trying to take the friendship into romance, then realizing you're meant to be together and then going back to friends. And no matter how many people say that's not possible, I will always say that it is under the right circumstances and with the right attitudes about it. And people's preferences differ tremendously. I can see romance magically blooming with a friend for a short period but the more times it happens, the skankier it looks (3 girls, sisters...). In any event, I just wouldn't date someone who was still pals with someone they banged on a Sat. night -- too skanky. Luckily, it looks like the OP doesn't have this as an issue.
Author sweetlove Posted June 13, 2005 Author Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius 1. You seem to have dealt with the idea that he hangs with these people and taken that off the table. Personally, it's not in my picture to date someone who hangs around with people they used to bang, especially if these are ONS types of things. If they don't have pride enough not to bang their friends, they don't have pride enough for me to date them. This is one of the things I have a hard time with. All these were ONS...and friends. I don't mix business or friends with pleasure and never will. It's makes socializing a challenge.....as an instance, last Saturday we were at a party playing cards and 2 of the girls at our table were some of his ONS. I'm definitely not saying that I'm miss innocent....but I won't have a reunion of sex partners where ever we go. My boyfriend was sincerely upset over hurting me and I believe he would never cheat on me. It's the lack of honesty and intentional deception that is hard. I also believe that he had a hard time admitting something that he wasn't too proud of -- he knows I am firmly against mixing friends with pleasure.
Cecelius Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 There's a compatability/attractiveness issue here PLUS his ommission. Understand that the ommission was because he likes you enough not to want you to leave; try to think of it that way. Spineless, but still based on affection I agree on the other point: there's too many girls on the planet to hang around with one whose social circle includes dude's she's polished. Only you can decide whether that fact is enough to make you walk, or if he would be amenable to altering the social circle. You guys going to invite them to the wedding? Ask them to baby sit if you have kids?
laRubiaBonita Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by sweetlove We?ve had an open and honest relationship and we love each other very much. .......This past weekend he confessed to me (after I asked) that he had slept with some of the girls (3) that we run in a social circle with. ............. I know that the past is the past and I?m okay with that ? I knew his past was a little wild when I first started dating him. But knowingly keeping secrets from me about a girl that he spends partying time alone with ? I?m not sure about that. He has a history with me of some dishonesty ? and I?ve had to rebuild trust on occasions. .......................... He says that nothing has ever happened between them since we started dating -- but it's hard to trust. Even if something small happened, he wouldn't tell me because he knows it would end our relationship. I want to believe him and I keep telling myself that I should trust him. What do you guys think? FIrst, what prompted you to ask? SEcond, what where the other trust issues? THird, i would think He may want to know if you had slept with a guy in your circle of close friends? so why would he nOt tell you....to me that is lying...but slick lying. Originally posted by westernxer The fact that he's told you all this means he's serious about this relationship. Give him an A for effort. the fact that she had to prompt it from him, and he did not tell her awhile ago, knocks that A to a D.
westernxer Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Maybe so, Rubia, maybe so. Just glad it ain't me.
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