Jealous BF has now withdrawn

March 3, 2016

My BF and I disagree on a few things and he was really jealous of the fact that I keep in contact with my previous ex boyfriend and ex husband. I broke up with my ex and pushed the divorce with my ex. I don't want them romantically, but I don't hate them either. My friend was there throughout my marriage and supported my first divorce, then supported me when I was going to reconcile, and then again when I decided it was impossible. He was just there at a bad time and I don't have feelings for him.

My new bf and I had some fights about this, and while I did something inappropriate apparently, I had accepted a 25 dollar gift card from my ex bf to Victoria Secret and told my BF he didn't buy them for me since I spent almost 80 dollars there, but also my ex was shopping with me and he was in there with me. We didn't shot together, it's not like he helped me pick out underwear. I don't understand why my BF is so upset too, it's not like my ex gets to see me in them. I wear them for my BF, not my ex. There was another instance where my ex husband used an old nickname of mine. I told my ex name that I didn't think I held that title anymore and was just polite. I have never flirted with my exH, but he did tell me "he missed me, and wanted to catch up", which I did not hide from my BF.

Since then, he seems to keep slowly withdrawing despite me showing him the message that I sent to my exH stating that I had an awesome BF, named ___ (similar to his) and that he was also a DM. That he was a cool guy, etc. My exH hasn't contacted me since that day and I feel embarrassed about having to send that message to make my BF feel better, like I lost some dignity. It's like telling a guy who says hi that you aren't interested in him, I think.

I have also been open with my conversation with my ex boyfriend, as my ex bf was disrespectful once to my BF, (he tried to kiss me in our first month dating) and since then my BF hates him despite me setting boundaries with my ex and showing my BF (that he no longer can do things that jeopardize my relationship with him, and if he does, that he's not being a friend and he won't be in my life).

Despite all of these efforts on my part, my bf keeps withdrawing. He used to text me on every break at work, now he never does. He used to send me good morning texts and doesn't now. He used to rush home and send me a text to see if I wanted to hang out. Now I feel like I need to initiate every conversation during the day and if I don't ask him for specific time, he'll just 'roll with the flow' and hang out when it's convenient.

I don't know how to recover from this and it's starting to make me feel upset and frustrated.

March 3, 2016

I had accepted a 25 dollar gift card from my ex bf to Victoria Secret and told my BF he didn't buy them for me since I spent almost 80 dollars there, but also my ex was shopping with me and he was in there with me.

But your ex did give you funds that went towards buying them by way of a gift certificate.

I really can't see how he didn't help you pick it out when you clearly said he went shopping with you at that store. Are you saying he sat on a chair out in the mall and played with his smart phone while you shopped?

Maybe your boyfriend would have liked to have been the one who went with you instead of your ex?

So why should he send you good morning texts, etc? You've got exes who can cover those bases. I can completely understand why he's withdrawing. I wouldn't stick around to stomach the insult, either.

And from what you've written, I wouldn't have labeled your boyfriend as 'jealous'--more like "insulted with good reason", since your ex didn't have the common decency to keep his lips to himself when he knew you were involved with someone else. He doesn't trust a guy who had to be schooled on how to bloody behave.

Edited March 3, 2016 by kendahke

March 3, 2016

Well, your bf knows the ex is still wanting to at least sleep with you and tried kissing you when you first started dating him. So you can't say he's unjustifiably got his antennae up.

I get it about exes. I'm friends with a couple of mine, kinda. But when you have a bf, you have to voice the new rules to the ex.

First of all, you don't see the ex without your bf around (sounds best if you just don't see him at all since they don't get along), and you don't take gifts from him, period. That's not a lot to ask.

So yes, maybe you take your new bf to a BIG party the ex will be at, but don't try to do private meetings with or without your new bf with him.

As for the friend, I don't believe in giving up pets or friends for men, period. But you have to be honest. Is that guy after you? If so, no bf needs to put up with you seeing him privately either, because you'd just be encouraging him. If he's truly just a friend and he doesn't even want anything else and has his own dates and stuff, then by all means bring him around with his date and socialize that way.

March 3, 2016

Ummm..I mean, how would you feel if you were him? If he was buying underwear with his ex wife? And talking to his ex girlfriend all the time? You're not just in touch with one ex but two??

There are so many details that you've left out- why is your ex giving you gift cards to Victorias Secret? Is he remarried or in a relationship? Is your other ex in a new relationship? Or are both of them pining away that you'll come back to them? Does your current BF know either of your exes? How long have you been out of both relationships, how long have you been with your current BF?

You don't even need to answer any of those questions, the point is still- this whole situation is just bad news for your BF. I don't know anyone who would be okay with what you're doing.

I agree, he's not jealous, he's sensible. I'm normally all on the side of men should allow women to have male friends and whatnot, but this is different.

March 3, 2016

I have never met up with my ex-husband since our divorce. We maintain facebook friendship and communicate via chat and text.

My ex boyfriend said he would buy me a few things before we broke up and he just gave me it as part of that plus as a Christmas gift. My ex bf and I went to mall together and to the store together, but I was buying my own things and he was buying his and we checked out and left together. He was just in the store with me. I see how that was wrong now, I'm not defending it.

My BF could go with me if he wants to take me, but right now I can't afford much. He was at home over Christmas and couldn't come with us when my ex was there. Otherwise, my BF has made the rule that I get no more 1 on 1 time with my ex and the next time he comes up to visit, he gets to have a conversation with him.

I have talked with my boyfriend about these boundaries and I have set them. I told him I understand why my ex trying to kiss me made him so mad, and because of this, we've set boundaries.

It's just that despite setting these new boundaries and me following them as well as showing him conversations where I am now telling these guys to respect him, why does he continue to withdraw?

March 3, 2016

You're not really seeing this situation from your boyfriend's point of view. How would you feel if he went underwear shopping while you were out of town, with his ex girlfriend?

So, both of your exes have feelings for you and want you back. And you talk to both of them. Which means that they both have hope deep down that you'll take them back. Am I wrong?

Also, since you dump men that you still value enough to keep around as "friends", your boyfriend is probably thinking it's just a matter of time before he gets dumped too. He's protecting himself.

March 3, 2016

Your boyfriend is probably taking time to re-think the relationship. Sure, having boundaries now is great but I have a feeling it's too little too late. He shouldn't really have needed to explain to you why underwear shopping with your ex-boyfriend is inappropriate.

You have too many exes orbiting too closely to you.

March 3, 2016

Honestly, if my girlfriend told me she went "underwear shopping" with her ex boyfriend, I'd probably withdraw too OP. Would you be okay with his ex girlfriend giving him a voucher for Calvin Klein and going "underwear shopping" with him?

March 3, 2016

But your ex did give you funds that went towards buying them by way of a gift certificate.

I really can't see how he didn't help you pick it out when you clearly said he went shopping with you at that store. Are you saying he sat on a chair out in the mall and played with his smart phone while you shopped?

Maybe your boyfriend would have liked to have been the one who went with you instead of your ex?

So why should he send you good morning texts, etc? You've got exes who can cover those bases. I can completely understand why he's withdrawing. I wouldn't stick around to stomach the insult, either.

And from what you've written, I wouldn't have labeled your boyfriend as 'jealous'--more like "insulted with good reason", since your ex didn't have the common decency to keep his lips to himself when he knew you were involved with someone else. He doesn't trust a guy who had to be schooled on how to bloody behave.

Agree with a lot of what has been said above ^^^ It is insulting and disrespectful to your current boyfriend. A gift card to Victoria's Secret is SUGGESTIVE. If you were truly just friends with the ex now, you might be getting an itunes gift card or something harmless. Here's the only thing where I think your bf might be overreacting: was the gift card "old" from prior to you getting together with your current bf and you hadn't used it yet? If so, then current bf is overreacting and overly jealous. I didn't understand your description of "shopping" and which boyfriends you were talking about but if you meant that your ex-bf was shopping with you on the day that you purchased your victoria's secret stuff, yep current bf is not unjustified. That's a bit disrespectful again--no matter what happened, ie he didn't go into the store with you. If I were in your bf's shoes, I would be confused about your intentions and really what's going on. Also your ex-bf sounds like he might be hanging in there for another chance or a window of opportunity--that's probably partly what is upsetting your current bf. Maybe you are never going to be with the ex again, but what you are doing seems a little bit like you are leading him on and I can see why that would be upsetting to your current bf. I think you need to take some responsibility and make sure your side of the table is really clean--this is messy. Good luck

March 3, 2016

I have never met up with my ex-husband since our divorce. We maintain facebook friendship and communicate via chat and text.

My ex boyfriend said he would buy me a few things before we broke up and he just gave me it as part of that plus as a Christmas gift. My ex bf and I went to mall together and to the store together, but I was buying my own things and he was buying his and we checked out and left together. He was just in the store with me. I see how that was wrong now, I'm not defending it.

This is all about you wanting the attention from your ex's and you're not understanding that the man you're with now isn't of the same mindset as you and your ex's. There's nothing wrong with that *IF* you are either single or with someone who doesn't mind sharing your attention and intimacy with other men.

However, if you're going to be with this guy you're with, you must respect his feelings--and if you can't or feel that you don't/shouldn't have to, then you need to break up with him because you two have incompatible lifestyle outlooks. That point may be what's become glaringly obvious to him now.

My BF could go with me if he wants to take me, but right now I can't afford much.

So, the only way you allow guys to go shopping with you is if they're picking up the tab? Your boyfriend can't go along and keep you company while you buy yourself underwear? I'm not getting what you're saying here.

I have talked with my boyfriend about these boundaries and I have set them. I told him I understand why my ex trying to kiss me made him so mad, and because of this, we've set boundaries.

Did it make you mad, too, that he disrespected you and your relationship like that? For me, that stunt would be enough for me to scale back all but infrequent niceties with him.

It's just that despite setting these new boundaries and me following them as well as showing him conversations where I am now telling these guys to respect him, why does he continue to withdraw?

Because, going from what you've written about him withdrawing in your previous threads, this seems to be a recurring theme with you and he may be at the point where he's sick of his head hurting as the big red splotch on the wall grows bigger.

There is such a thing as too little too late.

March 3, 2016

Well, my ex husband hasn't contacted me since I told him about my boyfriend. I don't really want his attention, but I do not hope anything bad for him and I don't hold onto many feelings of anger at him. I wanted to remain friends with him and I don't flirt with him. I just ignore it when he tries to flirt with me, but most of our conversations are a couple lines a month and him just sending a funny picture or something. yeah he says "hey girl" in the message or something, but he talked like that with all his friends before while with me too, so I didn't think it was bad. It made him uncomfortable so I have let distance grow and I ignored a lot of his messages for a bit and then told him about my BF, so he gets the picture.

As for the underwear shopping- no the promise was while we were still together and the gift card after I was with my current BF. Since it wasn't my ex giving me the underwear, or him shopping and saying, oh these ones are nice, that it was a gift card and I went and picked out underwear thinking of my BF and what he would like on my own. Yes, my ex BF was in the store with me at the time, but he wasn't standing at my rack. He was like wandering around in different parts. I didn't think it was so bad, but yes, all of my friends are kinda indifferent until I add that he was there with me and then they all make that face that was like "wtf you thinkin?". I've apologized. I haven't seen my ex bf since that visit here. I've told him to stop sending me things or trying to buy things.

I would go with him if I had money to spend. I don't. I make barely more than minimum wage and don't have a lot of extra money. The next time I have money, I will go with him- or if he wanted to buy me a present, that is all I meant. My boyfriend makes more than three times me in a month, so I didn't mean anything 'gold digger'ish about it, rather that he could easily buy me one and did offer to take me once, but we never brought it up again.

I should have understood my boyfriend more at the start that my ex bf was disrespectful to him. I just thought that he should trust me and that not to worry if some guy likes me. I want him. He has no idea how amazing he is and that he doesn't even need to worry. I just don't want to burn bridges with someone who was a friend before and who can be a good friend. That is why I've put a few months between the visits and told my ex that he needs to respect my relationship. Everything you say here is correct guys, but how can I repair the damage I have done? No one is perfect. What more can I give since you guys say I am giving too little too late.

As to those who ask me if I'd be jealous about his ex gf doing things. The answer is I don't think I would be. I'm the kind of woman who doesn't mind if my man goes to a strip club because I know he's coming home to me and I'm his woman. If he wants to stare at some girls tits to see something different and have some variety, well I love him and if he enjoys it then I am happy. As long as he follows our boundaries that we set, it's okay by me. Yeah, I know I'm different than most people, it's just how I am.

The most thing I am jealous of is that he broke up with his gf where he was living while unemployed (between jobs, had things lined up) and he continues to pay back the money to her for the time there and for a plane ticket he owed her for from a year before they broke up. My ex husband owed me 5000 dollars and I never saw a dollar of it, so that bothers me some. He sponged of me for the last two years of our marriage and I didn't get a cent and I don't understand why she deserves any thing more.

However, I don't even tell him not to or complain. I know that it doesn't mean anything about him and I or his feelings for me. Which I now start to question. Should I bring it up with him?

Edited March 3, 2016 by MelodyPond

March 3, 2016

I went back and read your previous thread, which I'd forgotten I'd participated in.

These issues of flirting and being friends with guy who like you or have dated you isn't new. You already knew it made your boyfriend uncomfortable, yet here we are again. It seems you still don't really get that your continued "friendships" with these men is detrimental to your relationship. What's more important you: not "burning bridges" with these guys, or being respectful of your boyfriend? In his mind, you'd probably choose the former.

Honestly, I'm not sure much can be done to repair it now. All you can do is talk to him about how he's feeling and whether he feels there's still a future here. It might be time to part ways.

And no, I don't see why you'd bring up him re-paying an ex. He owes that money. It is not the same as accepting gifts from and underwear shopping with an ex-boyfriend. You're grasping at straws there.

March 3, 2016

Also, just to update in response to my other thread that someone had read and mentioned here. Yes, it's the same ex bf but things had gotten better since then.

I don't want to sound dramatic, but I actually found out that I had gotten pregnant from him, I was using birth control but well, it's not 100 percent effective. I was pregnant and off that whole month and was legitimately acting odd and he picked up on it. It was about three weeks later and he was like, baby, your tits are huge. And yeah, I was pregnant. I took care of it and things were really good. He was very supportive during that time. He did everything he needed to do to be there for me. We felt close, closer than before.

And then I feel like he's withdrawing since then, even though I've been forthcoming about all things related to my exes and me having had hardly any contact with them in the last three months. The last thing that set him off is that I mentioned to my ex bf that I had gotten a job interview for a management position but had to take a drug test. I smoke pot (so does my bf) so I had to drop but needed to get some detox stuff. I had already told my ex bf that his gifts weren't appropriate for our relationship, but he told me about this detox juice his friends really like and he could get me a discount on them. He told me he would mail me them but I was uncomfortable with that, so I told him that I would pay him for them so that way it wasn't a gift, but just a friend helping me out getting a discount on something I needed.

Well the box came with a bunch of stuff in it, the detox juice, and some other random stuff like a power strip and some condoms. The condoms had my roommates name written on them, but I knew this was inappropriate. well, my BF came back, saw it and was like "He just isn't going to be respectful", then my bf looked up the detox kit which had only a one star review on amazon with the only successful report was a guy who hasn't smoked in a month already. He said that we're not paying for it, were sending it back because we didn't ask for it and you should have said not to send it. He isn't going to be respectful that's clear, so I texted my ex and told him no more gifts or we won't be friends anymore.

I don't really feel like I can control what my ex bf sends me in the mail and I do protest. I do understand that he's being disrespectful to me now, so that is why I haven't allowed him to come visit (he has asked about 3 times since after valentines day). He was once a good friend, I hope he can be again.

March 3, 2016

Why are you in regular contact with exs who are pursuing you when you have a BF?

March 3, 2016

I went back and read your previous thread, which I'd forgotten I'd participated in.

These issues of flirting and being friends with guy who like you or have dated you isn't new. You already knew it made your boyfriend uncomfortable, yet here we are again. It seems you still don't really get that your continued "friendships" with these men is detrimental to your relationship. What's more important you: not "burning bridges" with these guys, or being respectful of your boyfriend? In his mind, you'd probably choose the former.

Honestly, I'm not sure much can be done to repair it now. All you can do is talk to him about how he's feeling and whether he feels there's still a future here. It might be time to part ways.

And no, I don't see why you'd bring up him re-paying an ex. He owes that money. It is not the same as accepting gifts from and underwear shopping with an ex-boyfriend. You're grasping at straws there.

Not bring up the paying the ex back thingy, the fact that I am feeling him withdrawn.

I'd rather not have to burn bridges or be disrespectful. I just wish my bf would have been a little more patient with me and trust me that I can manage my ex bf and that just because they hit on me or try to flirt with me doesn't mean I'm going to fall in love with them.

There has to be some way to show him how much I love him and how much I want him and no other guys. I haven't saw my ex bf since December and I haven't talked to my ex husband since I told him about my BF at his request. I told me ex bf more gifts = no friends. I don't understand how those things are too little; it's everything he wanted.

March 3, 2016

You really are not getting it. You justify your behaviour too much and try to convince yourself and your boyfriend that these exes are friends. Your boyfriend is seeing right though your excuses and rationalizations.

Your ex isn't the only one disrespecting your relationship.

March 3, 2016

Why are you in regular contact with exs who are pursuing you when you have a BF?

define regular. I sent my ex husband a couple messages a month in response to his couple of messages per month.

my ex bf, we talk every so often, but in the last three months, it's only a couple of times a week and most of the time really short messages about things. Like about how his friends liked the gift that I gave them for their wedding. Idk, nothing serious. No "I love you messages".

March 3, 2016

define regular. I sent my ex husband a couple messages a month in response to his couple of messages per month.

my ex bf, we talk every so often, but in the last three months, it's only a couple of times a week and most of the time really short messages about things. Like about how his friends liked the gift that I gave them for their wedding. Idk, nothing serious. No "I love you messages".

This is too much.

You should not be communicating with him at all, given the history of inappropriate behaviour.

March 3, 2016

define regular. I sent my ex husband a couple messages a month in response to his couple of messages per month.

my ex bf, we talk every so often, but in the last three months, it's only a couple of times a week and most of the time really short messages about things. Like about how his friends liked the gift that I gave them for their wedding. Idk, nothing serious. No "I love you messages".

well how does your current bf find out about this communication? Do you tell him or does he check your phone? I'm guessing you tell him. It seem like you like the drama and the attention. The exes are aware that the door isn't completely closed since they keep contacting you. If you had made that clear, they wouldn't waste their time and/or you would be annoyed that they hadn't stopped and be unified with your current bf in getting them to stop.

I think you tell bf because it makes you seem desirable and ignites his jealousy. I think you half want him to "get over it" and you can do what you want and if he really was over it (in his own way, ie withdrawing or let's say not jealous anymore), you wouldn't like it. As evidenced by this thread. There's a consequence for every action. Decide which you want it to be. You staying in touch with exes over so-called insignificant things only to have your bf withdraw and potentially break up with you. I think you really want the ex-bf on the back burner--that's what it sounds like to me. Be honest with yourself. Some people can't "feel" anything unless they feel desired by the other person (ie you think your bf's jealousy means he desires you very much) and like drama for same reason (makes your life feel exciting). BTW, provoking jealousy often backfires: loss of trust, loss of interest so stop playing with fire for "nothing" conversations. Your bf doesn't sound out of line--wondering when he will tire of the drama.

March 3, 2016

define regular. I sent my ex husband a couple messages a month in response to his couple of messages per month.

my ex bf, we talk every so often, but in the last three months, it's only a couple of times a week and most of the time really short messages about things. Like about how his friends liked the gift that I gave them for their wedding. Idk, nothing serious. No "I love you messages".

You just defined regular yourself.

I'm on good terms with my ex. He messages me all the time. I blocked him and ignore him. I have a boyfriend. This is only fair to my BF.

March 3, 2016

As to those who ask me if I'd be jealous about his ex gf doing things. The answer is I don't think I would be. I'm the kind of woman who doesn't mind if my man goes to a strip club because I know he's coming home to me and I'm his woman. If he wants to stare at some girls tits to see something different and have some variety, well I love him and if he enjoys it then I am happy. As long as he follows our boundaries that we set, it's okay by me. Yeah, I know I'm different than most people, it's just how I am.

No. Going to a strip club is not at all the same thing. I also wouldn't care at all if my boyfriend or husband went to a strip club. I would care if he let his ex girlfriend buy him underwear. Or if he still spoke to his ex wife a few times per week, knowing well that his ex wants him back. You're not answering the question because you know what you're doing is wrong. You want to have your cake and eat it too.

The most thing I am jealous of is that he broke up with his gf where he was living while unemployed (between jobs, had things lined up) and he continues to pay back the money to her for the time there and for a plane ticket he owed her for from a year before they broke up. My ex husband owed me 5000 dollars and I never saw a dollar of it, so that bothers me some. He sponged of me for the last two years of our marriage and I didn't get a cent and I don't understand why she deserves any thing more.

However, I don't even tell him not to or complain. I know that it doesn't mean anything about him and I or his feelings for me. Which I now start to question. Should I bring it up with him?

Him paying back his ex means he's a good guy. This is the thing that you're jealous of?? This should show you that he is a good person, this should make you love him more, not less. And seriously- WHY are you still talking to your ex husband if he actually owes you 5K and sponged off of you financially? Your priorities are all out of whack.

March 3, 2016

I'm not a jealous type. In fact, I was shopping one of my husband's exes yesterday. But if his interactions with them were like yours are with your exes, it would be a very different story.

You say you ignore the flirting from one of your exes (can't remember which ex). The fact the flirting even exists is reason enough to cut contact with that one.

Also, the fact that you didn't tell your ex-h about your boyfriend is alarming. Of course you should have told him that you're seeing a fabulous new guy! If he's a genuine friend with no ulterior motives, he'd be happy for you. The fact that he hasn't spoken to you since finding out this information just screams that the friendship was inappropriate.

Your boyfriend is right to be wary and withdrawing from you.

March 3, 2016

Your bf's behavior is justified. I do not get how you do not understand why hes feeling the way he is..put yourself in his shoes.i don't blame him.

March 3, 2016

If I was that guy, I wouldn't have withdrawn...., I'd have vanished from the face of the earth....

I get the feeling that the only time you will start to see it from your bfs point of view is if he leaves you. You are not showing your bf respect, you have questionable boundaries, are demonstrating a lack of insight, lack of empathy and you try to convince yourself that your actions are perfectly fine. I wonder why he is still with you.

I think far too many guys put up with far too much nonsense. Back when I used to entertain the idea of dating and / or relationships, I had a 2 strikes and you're out rule and what you are doing right now comes under it because it is disrespectful.

March 3, 2016

Not bring up the paying the ex back thingy, the fact that I am feeling him withdrawn.

I'd rather not have to burn bridges or be disrespectful. I just wish my bf would have been a little more patient with me and trust me that I can manage my ex bf and that just because they hit on me or try to flirt with me doesn't mean I'm going to fall in love with them.

Do you understand respect? You are protecting your Ex BF by staying in a relationship with him and supporting the disrespect he is intentionally flaunting in your BF's face. If you were serious about your current BF, you would cut him out of your life.

There has to be some way to show him how much I love him and how much I want him and no other guys. I haven't saw my ex bf since December and I haven't talked to my ex husband since I told him about my BF at his request. I told me ex bf more gifts = no friends. I don't understand how those things are too little; it's everything he wanted.

As I stated above to answer your question, there is, cut out all people who disrespect your relationship with your BF. I really think this is about you being insecure and wanting the orbiters showing you admiration. This gives you a safety net in case your R with your current BF fails.

If you're serious about mending your relationship with your current BF, you'll need to cut the ex BF and Ex Husband out, at least for the duration of your current relationship. THAT is showing respect for your relationship and for your BF. Normally i wouldn't suggest this but in this case where the disrespect is so obvious, this step needs to take place.

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