jen2go Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) Theres a lot to this crazy story. My best friends husband pursued me in summer of 2014 and I took the bait. It was fun getting attention from him since my husband wasn't giving me any. I wasn't planning on it going too far but it did. First 3 months it was innocent fun. Kissing, meeting to go on walks together, talking on the phone all the time, texting 24/7 then we had sex on his wifes birthday while she was sleeping in the house. We met often, he'd tell her he had work meetings. He started talking about marriage and wanting a baby with me. He's married, has 3 kids, I'm married with kids. I got scared and told him I needed time to think about that. We exchanged I love you's often.. spent as much time as we could. I was still living this lie and being best friends with her while her husband and I carried on an affair. She would tell me their marriage was bad, they weren't having sex and a month later she ended up confiding in me she was driving to a hotel to have sex with a man she met. I told her husband everything in hopes he'd leave her. He didn't he confronted her about it and they swept it under the rug, she would brag about her new bf and how stupid her husband was to stay with her. She told me she would continue to cheat. I told her husband, my affair partner everything and gave him every screen shot of her bf's nude pics and their conversations she sent me. They lived through a bad time over this past summer, then she caught him cheating, he protected my identity and they talked about staying together and wanting to better their marriage, he wanted to continue to keep me on the side. I said no, we walked away. A month goes by, I was sad for the month of being without him, depressed. He texted me one morning saying he missed me and had reoccurring dreams of me and how sorry he was to hurt me and that he was planning on leaving her for me. At this time, I caught my husband cheating on me. Thought ok, our marriages are over and we can be together. But then my affair partner changed his mind and we continue to go back and forth to walk away but we can't and want a future but he sees a future in 3 or more years because he has young kids and he's staying with her since the kids are so young. He says he doesn't love her and he's so hurt from her cheating and lies (she never admitted her affair, but he has all the proof from me) we tried walking away and it never works. We want to be together but then it just never happens because of the young kids. I don't know what to do.. think.. I want to be with him so bad and he continues to text me all day everyday and we meet occasionally but not as frequently. He says he's not using me and he wants a future but he's waiting for the kids to grow up. What should I think? What should I do? I need advice... please. Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 What about your husband in all this? Why are you still married to him? How can you expect your BF's husband to leave her when you are still in a position where that's not possible having a ring on your own finger. You're no friend to her at all, and when she finds out it's YOU who's having the A with her husband the fallout isn't going to be pretty. He's no better than her, they both are having affairs. This situation sounds messed up and the fact innocent children are involved makes it worse. 8
Author jen2go Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I'm still married for the comfort of being married. If he left her, I'd leave him. My affair partner knows that. I don't want to leave unless he leaves. We discussed a timeline and agreed on 3 years until we leave them and be together. However, I don't fully believe him. But is he happy with her? I doubt it, she verbally and physically abuses him. I've witnessed it. Calls him a loser, fa**ot, etc. in front of their kids too. I do think it breaks his heart that if he left he can't see the kids everyday but I also think he can't walk away from me because he wants that future with me. I just don't know... do I believe him and stay or walk away? I should note I am no longer friends with her. I walked away from that because it was too much for me. A part of me thinks she may know its me because I just suddenly ended our friendship. When she caught his text I sent, he told her a bunch of lies to protect me.. Even after she told me their marriage was bad for a year, she refused to believe that his "side chick" was longer than a fling. She believes him when he said it was a one night stand, but she read a text from this "one night stand girl" who he told her I was where I said I love you and he said he loved me too. I guess part of it for her is denial. I would think their marriage isn't happy. She cheated, he cheated, all in a year and he continues to secretly have me on the side until theres a day he's ready to be together. It blows my mind she isn't checking his phone anymore like she first did when she found out. Its all just so confusing...
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 As soon as she does find out it's you be prepared for her to tell your husband that you're having an A with her husband. 1
Author jen2go Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Its so easy to judge my situation. I know, its bad all around. Best friends, husbands, kids. I feel like love is love. We make mistakes marrying people sometimes and bad marriages eventually end and this huge part of me loves him and he loves me. We can't walk away from each other even after attempts. It's like we're both in bad marriages but theres kids and walking away from them is hard, but we want to be together. A part of me is scared too for my kids to walk away from their dad but I guess I'm more of a life is short and I want to move on in a real relationship with him.
BuddyX Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Your MM has to be waiting on the side for you to walk away? So that means you can't be alone. Once you had kids, the "Love is love" bs is out the window. Your #1 job is your kids. You do know that MM is not leaving his wife for 3 years. Thats 36 months of being a side piece. And yes you are the OW. He gets crap from his wife and is unwilling to stand up for himself. Personally, he's a big P***y. Now imagine that your MM wife finds out your identity. There'll be hell to pay. You'll become expendable. You read enough of these stories on the forum to understand this will not end well for you-unless you break it off. Please focus on your kids, hobbies, work, etc. 3
Author jen2go Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I appreciate your honesty. You make valid points. And it helps me decide in the direction to go. We all have messed up in our marriages and maybe its time to lose my MM and focus on my marriage and making that work. I try to find the love for my husband but it is hard since for a year he also lied to me and cheated on me. He "loved" his affair partner as well. It's just hard to recover from that. But I have to tell myself I did this to him too, so we're even. Maybe a fresh start can be made in my marriage once I leave my MM.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Its so easy to judge my situation. I know, its bad all around. Best friends, husbands, kids. I feel like love is love. We make mistakes marrying people sometimes and bad marriages eventually end and this huge part of me loves him and he loves me. We can't walk away from each other even after attempts. It's like we're both in bad marriages but theres kids and walking away from them is hard, but we want to be together. A part of me is scared too for my kids to walk away from their dad but I guess I'm more of a life is short and I want to move on in a real relationship with him. Love is a feeling. Feelings come and go. The kind of love that involves faithfulness, compassion and until I die commitment is a very different longer lasting love. The kind of live where other people's needs are put before your own. Most people have that type of love for their children at least. I think you both have been very selfish. The damage that would be done would hurt people you BOTH know. That's a little different than affairs where the other party and kids aren't known to the affair partners. There have been posters here in similar situations, I can't recall the names offhand but maybe someone else can lead you to their threads. Three years is a long time. Really too long to carry on without the chance of getting caught. Also, it gets harder as kids get older. They understand more about marriage and betrayal. It doesn't get easier at all. They cost more, take more time, and develop their own opinions. In fact, my opinion here, middle school is the WORST time to do this. I think it would be smart to work on improving or dissolving your own marriages and take a break. If it's true love then it will still be around in three, six, twelve years. 2
imperfectangel Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 To me it sounds like you and your husband should separate and you can spend some time just you and your children and work out what you really want 1
Author jen2go Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Thank you for the help. It is so appreciated. I'm making the decisions on what to do and your advice means so much.
13Hearts Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Its so easy to judge my situation. I know, its bad all around. Best friends, husbands, kids. I feel like love is love. We make mistakes marrying people sometimes and bad marriages eventually end and this huge part of me loves him and he loves me. We can't walk away from each other even after attempts. It's like we're both in bad marriages but theres kids and walking away from them is hard, but we want to be together. A part of me is scared too for my kids to walk away from their dad but I guess I'm more of a life is short and I want to move on in a real relationship with him. I wouldn't hold my breath. The best thing you can do is leave this dysfunctional couple to themselves, and address your own bad decisions and bad behaviors. You may think it is all love, hearts, and flowers now but sooner or later, long-term, live-in, married or not, relationships get old and you get sick of the other person and their annoying habits. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but no matter what, you are always stuck with yourself. 2
burnt Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I'm still married for the comfort of being married. If he left her, I'd leave him. My affair partner knows that. I don't want to leave unless he leaves. Even if MM wants to leave, most likely, he is saying for the same thing as you: "I don't want to leave my wife; maybe, I'll leave if my OW leaves her marriage first." We discussed a timeline and agreed on 3 years until we leave them and be together. However, I don't fully believe him. There's a quote I like "The moment you start to wonder if you can trust someone, is the moment you know you cannot trust that person." Your instinct is right. You shouldn't believe him. He will not leave, just like 99.999% of the MMs don't--it's just fun future faking. How are you feeling now? Can you handle the on-off, push-pull, heart breaking torn apart madness? You think you can survive the turmoil for another three years? Think NOT. But is he happy with her? I doubt it, she verbally and physically abuses him. I've witnessed it. Calls him a loser, fa**ot, etc. in front of their kids too. Who cares if he's happy? He won't leave. Even after finding out she cheated, he didn't leave. What more proof do you need? Just like, you, he is staying for the comfort (or some distorted version of love for his wife.) I also think he can't walk away from me because he wants that future with me. He can't walk away from you, because it's fun to be with you. You are a thrilling distraction and he gets to have two women in his life. He is with you for the sex, not because he wants a future. He has a wife AND he has a mistress. Why should he end that comfort? I would think their marriage isn't happy. She cheated, he cheated, all in a year and he continues to secretly have me on the side until theres a day he's ready to be together. It blows my mind she isn't checking his phone anymore like she first did when she found out. Its all just so confusing... Though both you and your husband are cheating on each other, you two will not break the marriage. Guess what? Just exactly the same way, though your MM and his wife are cheating on each other, they will not break their marriage either. Your options at this point are: (1) Leave your marriage if you are unhappy and make a fresh new start with someone available and can make you happy. (2) Stay in your marriage if you and husband are willing to do what it takes to fix your broken marriage.
Midwestmissy Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 It's the situation of a monkey swinging on vines through the jungle - until he has a firm grip on the next one, he can't let go of the one he's got. If I thought for a second my husband felt this way about me - I'll keep her until I have the next thing in my hand - I'd be gone so fast. Very unkind and humiliating. They do say that the person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power and control. Being the BS, this is really nauseating to me. So cruel. And he will find out btw that you're cheating and who it is. It sounds like the heat is already on. This is going to be rough. 1
Be_Strong Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 jen, Your ex-best friend and your MM are providing you with a sneak peak at what your relationship will be like with MM in 5 years if you leave your husband and marry him. I'm guessing your ex-friend and you are a lot alike, which is why you were best friends. All the qualities that she now hates in MM will drive you crazy too at some point. You're just blinded by new love, but it will wear off some day and you'll see MM for what he truly is and at that moment you won't be able to stand him. Because of that, I would definitely advise against leaving your marriage to be with MM. All you are doing is trading one bad situation for a situation that will turn equally bad at some point. And one night when you are laying in bed you will realize that you are right back in the same boat again, except you've now had to endure (and put your kids through) a divorce. My advice to you would be to either stay in your comfort marriage and try to work things out with your husband, or get a divorce and be single for a while and then look for a new available man. Any future that includes MM is a giant mistake. 2
Methodical Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) You aren't a friend. Friends protect each other, listen to one another, maintain confidentiality, help and support each other. You had an affair with her husband, ratted her out when she confided in you, and even armed him with ammunition to take her down. You encouraged the demise or their marriage for selfish reasons - bc you wanted him. With friends like you, who needs enemies. I don't say that lightly bc I'm living an unconventional lifestyle, but there is NO deception involved. All parties know the score and consent to the terms. Affairs/cheating are deceitful behavior bc they are carried out behind someone's back. They happen all the time. But, to have an affair with a man married to your supposed best friend is appalling. You def. are not a friend - more like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Edit to add - her cheating wasn't right, by no means. But, he had been cheating on her for a while...with you. I imagine she was lonely and that influenced her actions. Edited March 4, 2016 by Methodical 1
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Its so easy to judge my situation. I know, its bad all around. Best friends, husbands, kids. I feel like love is love. We make mistakes marrying people sometimes and bad marriages eventually end and this huge part of me loves him and he loves me. We can't walk away from each other even after attempts. It's like we're both in bad marriages but theres kids and walking away from them is hard, but we want to be together. A part of me is scared too for my kids to walk away from their dad but I guess I'm more of a life is short and I want to move on in a real relationship with him. I'm not judging you, it's just the choices you've made have put everybody in a possible dangerous situation - Affairs that involve relatives, siblings, friends etc have a higher emotional level, plus throw in the double betrayal!! This has the potential for a crime of passion and not end well.
HappyAgain2014 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I'm still married for the comfort of being married. If he left her, I'd leave him. My affair partner knows that. I don't want to leave unless he leaves. We discussed a timeline and agreed on 3 years until we leave them and be together. However, I don't fully believe him. But is he happy with her? I doubt it, she verbally and physically abuses him. I've witnessed it. Calls him a loser, fa**ot, etc. in front of their kids too. I do think it breaks his heart that if he left he can't see the kids everyday but I also think he can't walk away from me because he wants that future with me. I just don't know... do I believe him and stay or walk away? I should note I am no longer friends with her. I walked away from that because it was too much for me. A part of me thinks she may know its me because I just suddenly ended our friendship. When she caught his text I sent, he told her a bunch of lies to protect me.. Even after she told me their marriage was bad for a year, she refused to believe that his "side chick" was longer than a fling. She believes him when he said it was a one night stand, but she read a text from this "one night stand girl" who he told her I was where I said I love you and he said he loved me too. I guess part of it for her is denial. I would think their marriage isn't happy. She cheated, he cheated, all in a year and he continues to secretly have me on the side until theres a day he's ready to be together. It blows my mind she isn't checking his phone anymore like she first did when she found out. Its all just so confusing... So he thinks it's better to stay married and subject his children to seeing abuse? Affairs, twisted friendships, and drama aside, I couldn't respect a man who allowed his children to live in that environment. 2
RRM321 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) I can't think of a single piece of advice that could save you from yourself. The best I can offer is advice for these kids: Divorce these parents and seek adoption. I feel really sorry for the kids - who are clearly the smartest people in the room. They will know in an instant (because this will all fall apart very soon) that neither of you is someone to be trusted. Either of you would betray your best friend, spouse, or children, right under their own nose - just for a cheap thrill. They will know that each of you left their other parent searching desperately to fill the voids created by your own affairs. Who's filling the void in their lives while you trade horses on this Merry-Go-Round? Just so there's no confusion - yes, I'm judging you. But relax, compared to the tsunami that's heading your way - my thoughts should roll off you like rain drops on a duck. Edited March 4, 2016 by RRM321 3
Methodical Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Since everyone is cheating, maybe a conversation should be had that proposes an open relationship among the four of you. Of course, that would only work if your hubs is interested in your so-called best friend and vice versa. Or, you all could visit a swingers club and hook up there .
RRM321 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Since everyone is cheating, maybe a conversation should be had that proposes an open relationship among the four of you. Of course, that would only work if your hubs is interested in your so-called best friend and vice versa. Or, you all could visit a swingers club and hook up there . IMHO it's not sex that binds them - it's the deception and betrayal. This is about getting something over on someone - unspoken anger, rage and envy. She's not just having and affair - she's stealing from her best friend, demoralizing the woman's husband, and betraying her own. The MM who first proposed the affair is doing exactly the same thing in reverse. Each respective spouse in turn, is acting out against the cheating spouse. I doubt this is really the big secret anyone thinks it is. The casualties are the kids who live in the midst of all this silently raging abuse.
Methodical Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 IMHO it's not sex that binds them - it's the deception and betrayal. This is about getting something over on someone - unspoken anger, rage and envy. She's not just having and affair - she's stealing from her best friend, demoralizing the woman's husband, and betraying her own. The MM who first proposed the affair is doing exactly the same thing in reverse. Each respective spouse in turn, is acting out against the cheating spouse. I doubt this is really the big secret anyone thinks it is. The casualties are the kids who live in the midst of all this silently raging abuse. She isn't really a genuine friend, as I stated earlier. Plus, she admits they are no longer "friends." She also isn't demoralizing the 'friend's" husband. He is a willing, ready, consenting participant. She is demoralizing her so-called ex best friend, and selling her out for self gain. They're all sleeping around with other ppl at this point, and as you point out, I doubt anyone is oblivious. Hence the sarcasm, or maybe not so sarcastic suggestion.
sandylee1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 No one is better than anyone else in these two marriages. None of you take marriage seriously and I really wonder how you can trust each other..knowing neither of you have any boundaries. He hits on his wife's best friend and you run with it. How would you trust him with a friend in the future knowing what he's capable of ? A lot can happen in 3 years including the thrill wearing off. I doubt it will be so exciting if you ever got to be together anyway... but all 4 of you have a similar character flaw... so nether should criticise the other.
stillafool Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 First you need to know this man loves his wife (not you) very much. He is punishing her by having an affair with her (so called) best friend because he knows he will never have her heart. He is not staying for his kids, he's staying because it's her that he loves. You give him the love, sex and attention she won't so he continues to use you. Don't be fooled, this man does not love you.
Recommended Posts