insecure about lack of experience

[FBIPartyVan]

Hi loveshack community

 

First post here, found this site through Google.... I would like to hear some thoughts on this:

 

I've had a gf for 6 months now and I found out that she's had over 40 sexual partners... We are both 31 years old, but she's only my 2nd woman. This is bothering me a lot. It makes me jealous and extremely angry.

 

When she told me, I completely lost it. I tore down half her apartment and started screaming at her and continued yelling at her through text messages, indirectly accusing her of being promiscuous. I questioned her self worth and her feelings towards me, I mean, how can I possibly be special to someone as number 41 on their list?

My own inexperience makes me feel extremely insecure and hearing the woman that I thought I'd love say that she's ****ed 40 guys makes a part of me regret never having been able to reel in the chicks by the dozens myself. Then again, I have never truly wnated this, I have always wanted a woman who holds intimacy, love and romance in the same high regard I do.

Somehow I feel I need to break up with her, because I can't stand the thought of 40 dicks having been there already. On the other hand, I love her and I know that the older I get, the more baggage people carry with them, but 40 men, really??

I also feel that I deserve 'better'. I am an 8/10 look-wise; I'm very handsome, very tall, athletic, educated, well mannered, fluent in several languages and I've generally got my **** together.

 

I have no idea how I should deal with this situation... I have no idea if I'm acting like a self entitled dolt or if the anger and frustration I'm feeling is warranted.

 

Please get me back on this planet.

Edited March 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[SoulCat]

I tore down half her apartment and started screaming at her and continued yelling at her through text messages, indirectly accusing her of being a slut.

 

 

No man who claimes to be 'well mannered' would ever do this.

 

 

a part of me regret never having been able to reel in the chicks by the dozens myself.

 

My own inexperience makes me feel extremely insecure

 

 

And there you have it. You are projecting your own insecurities and 'failures' onto your girlfriend. She got to experience something that you never did and you don't like it. There's an element of jealousy there.

 

 

You say you love her. You do realise that all her past experiences -sexual and non-sexual- have made her into the person she is today.

You can hold her past against her or just let it go. It's not something she can change.

 

If you choose to hold on to your grudge, your relationship with her will never be a healthy, fulfilling one.

 

 

I also feel that I deserve 'better'

 

 

Never mind you deserving better, your girlfriend deserves better. I'm surprised that she hasn't already dumped your entitled, judgemental backside.

 

Anyone smashing up my place for whatever reason or all but calling me names will find themselves kicked straight to the curb.

Edited March 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[LostOnes05]

I won't bash you on tearing up her place and name calling, you already know it was wrong. But I do understand where you are coming from with the huge discrepancy in your sexual partners.

 

I was seeing a woman that had a significantly higher number (like 9x higher) than my 2 (her included), like you. It bothered me that she openly regretted sleeping with most of these guys, as I would only sleep with someone I love. I felt the same as you...how could I be special to someone who I found out would have one night stands as a means to feed her low self esteem? Ultimately it didn't work out because she lied to me, probably cheated, had a host of other issues, and actually broke up with me...funny ain't it?! Even said she lied when she said she loved me. In this case, I ended up being a number to her. Another funny thing is she was worried that I had slept with a whole bunch of women.

 

So my advice is that if it doesn't feel right to you...get out of there. If she does love you and you love her, do your best to overcome those insecurities and be the best boyfriend you can to her (you've got some things to make up for). Have an honest discussion on the difference in your views on sex and intimacy. The only other option you have is to find someone who has very few partners like yourself and holds the same value on intimacy. THIS GOES FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN DEALING WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS (had to put that out there). Good luck bro and I wish you the best!! Also...Stop raging out!!

[Rockdad]

I don't want to come off condescending as you are searching for help. The problem and issue is you my friend not her. Now what is she suppose to think when you ask her to open up in the future? She just may think twice or be reserved in answering personal questions. You are sabotaging the relationship with your immaturity. How else do you describe a temper tantrum but immaturity?

 

This conduct display that you state you did at age 31 is a red flag she missed (or dismissed) if she stays in this relationship.

[GoodOnPaper]

I don't blame you for how you feel. I'm a low-number guy myself and if I was in your situation, I would definitely feel inferior and it would be very difficult to resume any sort of assertive, take-charge mindset that women seem to want, especially in the bedroom. However, the yelling and trashing of her apartment is bad news - if she's smart, that sealed the fate of your relationship.

 

I have to wonder, though, did her number come as a total surprise to you? A 40-2 experience discrepancy makes me think you two had very different social lifestyles or at least different ways, or comfort levels, in which you interacted with the opposite sex. I'd think that this would have become apparent long before specific numbers were discussed. I can certainly sense when someone's social life experience is more extensive than mine without needing to know her exact number.

[Tribble]

Another one of these?? Seriously?? Why do people discuss this stuff?

 

 

How did you find out about her number? Did you ask or did she volunteer? How was your relationship before you found out? Normally I'd say if this was the only or first problem in your relationship to try and resolve your feelings. Personally, I am very low number (2) and generally speaking don't ask numbers or care. As long as I feel my partner is with me and only me, I'm a happy bunny. To me, there is a difference between sex and love. I've experienced both and know which I want in my life going forward. I wouldn't begrudge a guy having fun in their past so long as they were clean and wholey with me.

 

 

However, your reaction is entirely inappropriate and suggests you are not ready for a relationship. I wouldn't feel safe with you. If she had any sense, she'd be leaving you and it shouldn't be up to you to decide if you can handle how she behaved before you were even in the picture.

[jen1447]

Always amazes me the numbers ppl flip out at. Your values are your own and that's fine, but in practical terms, let's say she racked up her 40 since she was 18, that's 13 years, meaning about 3 a year. Is that really such an offensive figure?

[losangelena]

I know we're not supposed to reference other threads, but let's all remember that a woman was on here a couple of weeks ago who'd just found out her BF had slept with around 100 women. She was nearly shamed off of here for having issues with his high number.

 

Curious to hear what kind of feedback you get.

[AMJ]

Woah. Not being able to control your anger is a huge problem for any potential partner. That's a much more important issue than her number of partners and whether or not your relationship will work out. You should be concerned about fixing that.

 

Yeah, it's not ideal if your partner has high number. There are probably things about you that she's willing to overlook as well. Is there a number that you would be okay with? When you start to picture "other dicks being in there" it sounds like you'd be upset about any number of past partners. It was probably really difficult for her to tell you that, and open up to you...and then you go postal on her. Sad.

[smackie9]

Your reaction is shocking, but your opinion about her past is not. You simply need to find someone of sexual compatibility/values. This girl is obviously not for you. If a number of sexual partners is important to you then you need to express this as an expectation before you invest in a relationship.

[smackie9]

You are 31, it's a little late in the game to be ok with a woman that had 40 partners. You are better off moving on.

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, thank you for your post. I am really sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. Your feelings are not wrong toward the number of sexual partners your GF has had, though I should say that destroying her apartment might not be the best idea in the world. One thing that I do need to point out is that sexual promiscuity can be an indication of sexual abuse as a child. It could also be that she simply views sexual intimacy in a different way than most people. Either way, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I will pray that it all works out for you. Kind regards, Kevin

[Rockdad]

Maybe it's just me, I have zero issues about high numbers. I am not insecure and don't have a jealous bone in my body. My wife has zero problem that my number is 10 times hers. But then she mirrors myself in being a secure non jealous individual.

 

Good lord why are people so uptight? It sure hampers the fun of life.