elaine567 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I think getting wrapped up in that kind of thing within just 5 months of dating (if I understand the timeline correctly) is far too much too soon. I get that people get carried away in the honeymoon phase but choosing names and dreaming of the schools you'd send them too is a lot of fantasizing so early on. In my perspective, anyway. It is too soon, if they were in their twenties but they are in their thirties and time is marching on... They needed to short cut the niceties and get down to the nitty gritty, but he led her down the garden path here... 1
Saracena Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I have to say these chameleon types (of either sex) are a real turn-off for me. Say or do anything to ingratiate themselves with others. I worked with someone like this once whose opinions varied according to who they were taking to. Weak characters with no backbone! 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Big difference between saying you saw a band in concert to impress and saying you want kids "to impress". He is 30 something, not 15. Kids are an important issue. He doesn't sound like he is worth your time. Out of curiousty how would you end this? what would you reply?
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I have to say these chameleon types (of either sex) are a real turn-off for me. Say or do anything to ingratiate themselves with others. I worked with someone like this once whose opinions varied according to who they were taking to. Weak characters with no backbone! Yeah, absolutely pathetic. To be honest, he made himself up to be someone who worked out when all he did was sit. 1
stillafool Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 He flat out lied. What do I do now>? Break up with him, what else can you do. You want kids and he does not. Lucky for you you guys were only together 5 months. Be happy you found out now. 2
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Break up with him, what else can you do. You want kids and he does not. Lucky for you you guys were only together 5 months. Be happy you found out now. We should have been together zero months. I specifically told him this was why my last relationship ended. He knew this going into it just like he knew he didn't want kids. It's extremely messed up. 3
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 We should have been together zero months. I specifically told him this was why my last relationship ended. He knew this going into it just like he knew he didn't want kids. It's extremely messed up. You were betrayed. You cannot undo it. You can only deal with it. Break up with him over text. He didn't have any respect for you so why would you offer respect in return by breaking up in person. 1
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Out of curiousty how would you end this? what would you reply? Text. "You knew having children was important to me and it still is. We cannot therefore keep seeing each other, as I do not want to waste any more of my time with you. We are finished." If there are loose ends to be tied up, then you may need further contact, else no. [if you however are worried in anyway as to his reaction, shouting matches, drunken rages..etc. go stay with a friend or your parents or have them stay with you until you feel safe.] 2
Miss Peach Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I am not convinced he lied. If you were in a bad mood the last time you saw him his feelings might have gotten hurt and this could be his way of lashing out to hurt you back or get a reaction out of you. In any case, sending something like this through text was immature regardless whether it was a lie, for attention, etc. and that alone would give me cause to dump him. If you want kids and this is the truth you aren't compatible. If this was a game this is not the sign of a guy who is mature enough for marriage and kids. 6
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I am not convinced he lied. If you were in a bad mood the last time you saw him his feelings might have gotten hurt and this could be his way of lashing out to hurt you back or get a reaction out of you. In any case, sending something like this through text was immature regardless whether it was a lie, for attention, etc. and that alone would give me cause to dump him. If you want kids and this is the truth you aren't compatible. If this was a game this is not the sign of a guy who is mature enough for marriage and kids. You think he lied when he said he didn't want kids? I believe he doesn't.
kendahke Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 You make the decision that's right for you. He may have decided to base his relationship with you on a lie. But there's no need for you to continue on with it if you don't want to. The balls in your court. exactly... nor should you reconsider if he comes to you with a change of mind yet again. If he's saying he doesn't want kids and you do, then it's time for you to set him adrift and not waste your time trying to negotiate, compromise or whatever in order to not have to start all over trying to find someone new. Any more time spent with him is a waste of your youth.
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I'm just wondering if it's possible that he got swept up and said he wanted kids at the beginning because he did/didn't know/was undecided/open to it. Now he is feeling overwhelmed and even though he played the game with "naming your future kids" now he is rethinking the relationship, feeling nervous etc or possibly just realizing that you two aren't right for each other and using this as an excuse since he already knows it's a dealbreaker for you. He wouldn't be the first guy to freak out over the seriousness of kids and pace etc. Not at all the first guy. So what do you do? First of all, I would stop trying to figure out what's in his head and why and feeling betrayed. Maybe he did lead you on--but it serves no purpose for you to keep thinking about it or try to figure it out. Take him at his word now that he does not want them and break up with him so you can get what you want. How to break up with him? Well I do think it's payback to answer by text since he dropped that one on you by text. Depends on what your breakup goal is/style is. Please don't say closure!!! Doesn't seem like there is much to discuss when you two are not on the same page at all about what you want. You could do via text or phone or in person. Though if you chose in person, be honest with yourself about why you are really going. If you just want to get to the bottom of why he mislead you and be emotional, I think it's a wasted trip. You don't want what he wants. Period. No need to waste another minute or further invest yourself emotionally. Just be succinct. good luck 1
preraph Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I get you tried to warn him. But it may not be that simple. I mean on a second date you basically tried to get a commitment he wanted kids with you to keep on dating. Not terrible, but in his mind, he's thinking, "I want kids but ONLY if this is the right person and I don't know you at all yet." So now he knows you well enough to know you are not who he wants to have kids and settle down with. So he did the right thing too and let you know. You've been obsessing over having babies all along and he is rightly worried about you getting pregnant and him being trapped into fatherhood he's not wanting with you. Time to break up. Sorry. I'm not saying you'd have done that, but you were so vocal about it, naming them and all, it wasn't an unreasonable fear for him to have. Fatherhood is a huge commitment. 6
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I get you tried to warn him. But it may not be that simple. I mean on a second date you basically tried to get a commitment he wanted kids with you to keep on dating. Not terrible, but in his mind, he's thinking, "I want kids but ONLY if this is the right person and I don't know you at all yet." So now he knows you well enough to know you are not who he wants to have kids and settle down with. So he did the right thing too and let you know. You've been obsessing over having babies all along and he is rightly worried about you getting pregnant and him being trapped into fatherhood he's not wanting with you. Time to break up. Sorry. I'm not saying you'd have done that, but you were so vocal about it, naming them and all, it wasn't an unreasonable fear for him to have. Fatherhood is a huge commitment. I have NOT been obsessing about babies. He's the one who discussed it and I kept my responses short to not seem baby crazy. 2
Miss Peach Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 You think he lied when he said he didn't want kids? I believe he doesn't. I'm saying we have no idea whether he lied or not. It doesn't matter. In any case he's not showing you he's worthy and able to be the type of man a woman needs to have a stable, healthy marriage and kids. My BTDT experience is you don't want to have kids with someone who isn't mature, honest, and can keep a healthy relationship. There is a concept called 'Future Faking'. Natalie Lue has some good articles about it on her blog. He could be faking it to get what he wanted (lied or got ahead of himself). He might not have known but went along with it. Or he could be using it to force a breakup or hurt you. It doesn't really matter. In allcases he's showing you he's not capable of being what you need. 1
Kamille Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Since you're thinking of ending things (and who could blame you?), have fun with it... Text him: "I'm pregnant." 10
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Since you're thinking of ending things (and who could blame you?), have fun with it... Text him: "I'm pregnant." lol. I actually took a pregnancy test last night cause I've had weird symptoms and a late period. Wouldn't the timing be awful? I'm negative FYI. 3
Kamille Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 lol. I actually took a pregnancy test last night cause I've had weird symptoms and a late period. Wouldn't the timing be awful? I'm negative FYI. Glad to hear the test was negative. That would be bad timing indeed. This works as a joke... Not so much as reality. 3
ChickiePops Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I'm sorry he did that to you. My ex fiancé proposed to me and we began planning our wedding and our children's names before he revealed to me that he never wanted to get married or have children so I can certainly relate. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I'm sorry he did that to you. My ex fiancé proposed to me and we began planning our wedding and our children's names before he revealed to me that he never wanted to get married or have children so I can certainly relate. My ex fiance took off six weeks before our wedding. We had been together for 2.5 years. Then post-wedding date tried to get reconcile. I had already met my husband by then. I mean, he wasn't my husband yet or anything. But he sure put the pedal to the metal to make sure he was. We married a year and one day to the day we met. Ha. We raced right by all of those red flags I don't regret it. Don't waste time with losers that are full of it and string you along. I wasted 2.5 the years on a guy that waffled and ran away like a big chicken. I saw him on FB about six months ago. He was totally disgusting to me. Thank goodness we didn't marry. Frankly our kids would've looked really weird. I know that's not a nice thing to say. But man, I now have a cute little daughter. 5
ChickiePops Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 My ex fiance took off six weeks before our wedding. We had been together for 2.5 years. Then post-wedding date tried to get reconcile. I had already met my husband by then. I mean, he wasn't my husband yet or anything. But he sure put the pedal to the metal to make sure he was. We married a year and one day to the day we met. Ha. We raced right by all of those red flags I don't regret it. Don't waste time with losers that are full of it and string you along. I wasted 2.5 the years on a guy that waffled and ran away like a big chicken. I saw him on FB about six months ago. He was totally disgusting to me. Thank goodness we didn't marry. Frankly our kids would've looked really weird. I know that's not a nice thing to say. But man, I now have a cute little daughter. This post gives me hope. Hope it gives the OP hope too. 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 This post gives me hope. Hope it gives the OP hope too. Gave me hope too Thanks everyone!! 3
MoreAmore Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 End it. He either lied to you to get what he wanted hoping you'd accept it when you are in love, or decided he doesn't want to have kids with you and he'll change his mind. Either way, it's not where you want to be or where you'll get what you want. There's no improvement from this. I mean, from this even if he was like, Wait I will do it... you don't want kids with someone who doesn't want them. And be mad at him. No matter what it is, you get to be upset about wasting your time when you were upfront.
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 The only reason I wouldn't end it by text is for you to "be the better person". In other words, he's was a schmuck for texting that. The best revenge for disrespect is to rise above it and counter their behavior. But, if you had responded at the time, I would have called him: "I didn't appreciate the way you handled that situation but thank you for letting me know. I'll be moving on now." Don't entertain a response of any kind. And, then block his number and go No Contact. I'm thinking he basically broke up with you anyway. It doesn't sound as though he's tried to contact you again since then, correct? If it's been a few days without contact anyway, I'd just block him now and keep moving. 2
kendahke Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Gave me hope too Stand sentry to your boundaries. The man who wants you to be the mother of his children--and knows this like he knows his own name--will come along. You never want to create children with someone who doesn't know if they want them... they'll use it as a reason to abandon you and them because they told you long before you threw in with them that they had that ambivalence towards children and children deserve two parents who want them, not just one and another who went along to get convenient sex. 1
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