abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I told my boyfriend I wanted kids and marriage on our 2nd date (before we were exclusive). He flat out lied for 5 months about wanting the same. He replied that, "I used to not want kids, but now that I'm older I do." Over the course of the relationship, he'd talk about "our" kids. What would I name them. Where would we send them to school. Anyway, I get a text today saying, "FYI I never want kids. Thought I should tell you now since it would be harder later.' Uh.... wtf. I don't even know what to do/say. I'm more mad about this relationship being based on a f'n lie. He didn't let me to decide if he was worth dating despite his preference. He flat out lied. What do I do now>?
FadedSign52 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 How old are you? Well I think the answer is obvious, the guy was a complete jackass. Aligning on things that are important to you is key to a successful relationship. Why lie if you're looking for something long term? Move on. Unfortunately I think there are a lot of dishonest people out there in the dating world Sorry you wasted so much of you time. Just don't waste any more! 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 How old are you? Well I think the answer is obvious, the guy was a complete jackass. Aligning on things that are important to you is key to a successful relationship. Why lie if you're looking for something long term? Move on. Unfortunately I think there are a lot of dishonest people out there in the dating world Sorry you wasted so much of you time. Just don't waste any more! we are both in our early 30's. old enough to know better than to lie about sometihng so serious.
aussietigerwolf Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Either way he's a dbag. But... I wonder if he wants to break up but doesn't want to be the bad guy so is trying to make you break up with him. 10
Grumpybutfun Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) Unfortunately, some people lie in order to get what they want. He told you what you wanted to hear. Now you know that he is duplicitous and wishy washy which is not what you want in a husband or a LTR. Commitment is based on two people sharing the same values and vision for their future. Your bf has now let you know he is a liar and never valued your needs. Time to bounce because now you can never trust his word, Grumps P.S. You did the right things...you just met the wrong guy who cared so little for your needs he wasted your time. I would be furious but would not give him anymore of my energy or time. This isn't love. Edited March 3, 2016 by Grumpybutfun 9
Buddhist Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 You make the decision that's right for you. He may have decided to base his relationship with you on a lie. But there's no need for you to continue on with it if you don't want to. The balls in your court. 3
Snaggletooth Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) I told my boyfriend I wanted kids and marriage on our 2nd date (before we were exclusive). He flat out lied for 5 months about wanting the same. He replied that, "I used to not want kids, but now that I'm older I do." Over the course of the relationship, he'd talk about "our" kids. What would I name them. Where would we send them to school. Anyway, I get a text today saying, "FYI I never want kids. Thought I should tell you now since it would be harder later.' Uh.... wtf. I don't even know what to do/say. I'm more mad about this relationship being based on a f'n lie. He didn't let me to decide if he was worth dating despite his preference. He flat out lied. What do I do now>? I'd talk to him and check he definitely feels this way. There is a chance that all the talk about kids in what is still a young relationship is spooking and freaking him out. He could be feeling it's gotten too heavy too early. He could be feeling his whole life is being planned out for him before he is ready to commit. This text could be a knee jerk reaction to a panicky moment. If he confirms he feels this way then gooner his lying arse. Edited March 3, 2016 by Snaggletooth 1
basil67 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Did he lie or did he change his mind? There's a difference. Though dumping this on you by text was not cool. 10
Robratory Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I told my boyfriend I wanted kids and marriage on our 2nd date (before we were exclusive). He flat out lied for 5 months about wanting the same. He replied that, "I used to not want kids, but now that I'm older I do." Over the course of the relationship, he'd talk about "our" kids. What would I name them. Where would we send them to school. Anyway, I get a text today saying, "FYI I never want kids. Thought I should tell you now since it would be harder later.' Uh.... wtf. I don't even know what to do/say. I'm more mad about this relationship being based on a f'n lie. He didn't let me to decide if he was worth dating despite his preference. He flat out lied. What do I do now>? I'm so sorry to hear that. You didn't deserve this. He acted poorly and behaved badly. Unfortunately, if you haven't broken up with him yet, you know you're going to have to sooner than later. I wouldn't criticize you if you bid your time until dumping him hurt him worse. 1
Els Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Lying about something like that would be a dealbreaker IMO. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Ouch. This is his immature way of letting you know you're actually not on the same page. He should have told you this in person. I think getting wrapped up in that kind of thing within just 5 months of dating (if I understand the timeline correctly) is far too much too soon. I get that people get carried away in the honeymoon phase but choosing names and dreaming of the schools you'd send them too is a lot of fantasizing so early on. In my perspective, anyway. You need to have an in-person talk about what this means for the future of your relationship. I don't think I could consider staying with someone who played along on such a serious matter for months. 2
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I haven't replied to him yet. Don't even know what to say. I let him set the pace of the relationship. I never discussed "our" kids unless answering questions be asked. I'm mad he did this via text Mad he lied for so long Mad he KNEW this is why my last relationship ended And as on comment suggest, if this was his easy way out...ugh my confidence will crumble and die. I thoughth he was the one but have been blindsided. I'm numb.
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 And yes, I plan on breaking up with him. The relationship ended for me the moment I got that text. I just don't know which way I'll end it. 4
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 And yes, I plan on breaking up with him. The relationship ended for me the moment I got that text. I just don't know which way I'll end it. 'FYI we're done'. By text. Cheer up though - if he doesn't want what you want, he obviously wasn't the one. 7
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Either way he's a dbag. But... I wonder if he wants to break up but doesn't want to be the bad guy so is trying to make you break up with him. I think you could be right, he knows kids are a dealbreaker here so it avoids all awkward questions. I think it is perfectly possible he is now lying to smooth the way for the break up, "Its not you, its me." If that is the case, then wouldn't be surprised to find him in 9 months time with his new pregnant lady... Whatever the reason, in her thirties she cannot afford to mess around with guys who do not want kids or are at best luke-warm or vacillating about wanting kids. 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 I think he lied to be what I wanted so I'd stay and slowly he couldn't keep up the sham. I can do better than him. 2
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 He told me he liked me so much he didn't want to have this conversation
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Breakup over text is ok? I was being a little flippant - it's no more ok to break up by text than to tell your partner you don't want children by text. I don't really communicate with my partner by text (not important stuff anyway) but if this is the way he does things then why not... 8
Saracena Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 What was the context here? It seems a strange text to receive completely out of the blue. As someone (quite unlike some friends) for whom having children most certainly isn't a major priority in my life (I'm very career driven) I always try to make provision for changing my mind somewhere down the line as I know this can happen. So maybe he wasn't actually lying at the time.
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 What was the context here? It seems a strange text to receive completely out of the blue. As someone (quite unlike some friends) for whom having children most certainly isn't a major priority in my life (I'm very career driven) I always try to make provision for changing my mind somewhere down the line as I know this can happen. So maybe he wasn't actually lying at the time. The last time we hung out I was in a really bad mood. Flu plus my grandma just died and I was feeling stressed out but the seriousness of our relationship. I cried while with him. He asked why and I said "I don't know... You're my first serious relationship since my long term bf cheated. Not saying you'd do the same, but it's kinda scary."
Art_Critic Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 And yes, I plan on breaking up with him. Good for you, end it thru text.. just like he did.. 3
Saracena Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 The last time we hung out I was in a really bad mood. Flu plus my grandma just died and I was feeling stressed out but the seriousness of our relationship. I cried while with him. He asked why and I said "I don't know... You're my first serious relationship since my long term bf cheated. Not saying you'd do the same, but it's kinda scary." Sorry to hear about your grandma. Sounds as if all this got him thinking and (I've read your OP again) it certainly appears as if he was misleading you. Lord know what else he's been lying about. To send a text like that is truly awful so I'd have nothing more to do with him.
Author abby_tx Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Sorry to hear about your grandma. Sounds as if all this got him thinking and (I've read your OP again) it certainly appears as if he was misleading you. Lord know what else he's been lying about. To send a text like that is truly awful so I'd have nothing more to do with him. Thank you. And on the topic of his lying, I recall us sharing funny dating stories and in one he mentioned lying to a girl about seeing her favorite band in concert to impress her. Why start a relationship based on lies?
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 Thank you. And on the topic of his lying, I recall us sharing funny dating stories and in one he mentioned lying to a girl about seeing her favorite band in concert to impress her. Why start a relationship based on lies? Big difference between saying you saw a band in concert to impress and saying you want kids "to impress". He is 30 something, not 15. Kids are an important issue. He doesn't sound like he is worth your time. 4
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