RED FLAGS SINCE DAY ONE. Missed them ALL.

[kztar]

Hi everyone,

 

So I want to share my experience of red flags in my last relationship and I'd like to know if anyone else can relate. If you can relate, what made you stay ? Why didn't you walk away sooner.

 

Brief background of the relationship:

We met and he instantly became infatuated with me. We met on a group trip. As the weekend trip progressed, he became more and more close to me which was actually annoying me because I hate guys who come off too strong like that but I let it be. At the end of the trip, we exchanged numbers and began talking. He would text me all the time, we went on a series of about 4-8 dates in a matter of two weeks until the third week after meeting he made me his girlfriend. Everything was GREAT until Yara yara yara. Fast forward to 8 months later. This is when the red flags began.

 

1)He told me he loved me within a month. I was skeptical but it felt "right"

 

2) we go on an international vacation and we get into a minor argument over me sleeping in and skipping breakfast before and excursion. He told me "we are so different, how are we going to work this out in the future?" He is a morning person while I am a sleep in person unless I have to go to work.

 

3)His cousin invites us to the beach, to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday. He complained and complained and was much more distant than usual. No holding hands, not close to me , basically avoiding me the whole time (Something he never did before) but I let it slide because he had gotten into an accident the night before and figured he was upset.

 

4)A week later we both agree to take a day off from work to do something I'd like to do. We agree on the beach. AGAIN another miserable day in his book. We went to the beach and he did not say one word to me , nor did he participate in any activity besides just sitting there with a towel on his face covering the sun and napping. No talk, no affection, no NOTHING.

 

5)We decide to go visit my cousin in NJ and he drives over. I said hey it's only fair because I drive to you all the time and do all the driving. He couldn't stop complaining about how much he hates driving through NYC and bla bla bla.We arrive and he tells me well, we have to leave in ONE hour because im only here to please you. Great!! there goes my whole Saturday of fun drinking KILLED. Another COLD DAY. He did nothing but sit there.

 

6)Our one year anniversary came around, I planned a really nice dinner for us at the Sugar Factory and basically I ate wayyyyyy too much so at the end of dinner I felt sick. He became mad and angry and claimed that I ruined the night, because I can't take my liquor, that I dont know my limits and so on. Basically he made me feel like S**T. We came home and I cried and apologized although I did nothing wrong really.

 

7)He becomes more and more distant. Complains about simple phone calls but speaks to his friends on skype for 5 hours.

 

8)We attend his sister's engagement and his parents are constantly asking and taking about OUR future together and he blows up on his mom. Urges her to stop talking about children and marriage between him and I. We come to the room and he tells me "I don't want you to feel offended but I dont think you are the one". I let that slide because I dont think there is such thing as the one. You make who ever you want the one but BIGGEST RED FLAG.

 

9)Again more and more distant. We attend an event and then he basically said, im confused about my feelings, im going through depression and this and that. BSSSS. Im still around. (we talk it out and things are getting "better" in my eyes but not in reality)

 

10)XMAS and New Years were terrible holidays. I was looking forward to spending them with him while he was just EHHH about it.

 

The list goes on and on. Anyways the breakup occurs at the end of January.

 

As you can see my list of red flags is VERY extensive. I stuck around because I genuinely loved him and though that we could overcome our issues, that he never communicated to me. However I believe that the reason I didn't really walk away is because I became Co-dependent. With all these flags I should have been LONG GONE a while ago. I also learned about different attachment styles and he is a love-avoidant while I went from secure to preoccupied.

 

Can anyone else relate?. If so How was your breakup? How did you overcome co-dependency?

 

Share your stories.

[Dis]

Hi everyone,

 

So I want to share my experience of red flags in my last relationship and I'd like to know if anyone else can relate. If you can relate, what made you stay ? Why didn't you walk away sooner.

 

Brief background of the relationship:

We met and he instantly became infatuated with me. We met on a group trip. As the weekend trip progressed, he became more and more close to me which was actually annoying me because I hate guys who come off too strong like that but I let it be. At the end of the trip, we exchanged numbers and began talking. He would text me all the time, we went on a series of about 4-8 dates in a matter of two weeks until the third week after meeting he made me his girlfriend. Everything was GREAT until Yara yara yara. Fast forward to 8 months later. This is when the red flags began.

 

1)He told me he loved me within a month. I was skeptical but it felt "right"

 

2) we go on an international vacation and we get into a minor argument over me sleeping in and skipping breakfast before and excursion. He told me "we are so different, how are we going to work this out in the future?" He is a morning person while I am a sleep in person unless I have to go to work.

 

3)His cousin invites us to the beach, to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday. He complained and complained and was much more distant than usual. No holding hands, not close to me , basically avoiding me the whole time (Something he never did before) but I let it slide because he had gotten into an accident the night before and figured he was upset.

 

4)A week later we both agree to take a day off from work to do something I'd like to do. We agree on the beach. AGAIN another miserable day in his book. We went to the beach and he did not say one word to me , nor did he participate in any activity besides just sitting there with a towel on his face covering the sun and napping. No talk, no affection, no NOTHING.

 

5)We decide to go visit my cousin in NJ and he drives over. I said hey it's only fair because I drive to you all the time and do all the driving. He couldn't stop complaining about how much he hates driving through NYC and bla bla bla.We arrive and he tells me well, we have to leave in ONE hour because im only here to please you. Great!! there goes my whole Saturday of fun drinking KILLED. Another COLD DAY. He did nothing but sit there.

 

6)Our one year anniversary came around, I planned a really nice dinner for us at the Sugar Factory and basically I ate wayyyyyy too much so at the end of dinner I felt sick. He became mad and angry and claimed that I ruined the night, because I can't take my liquor, that I dont know my limits and so on. Basically he made me feel like S**T. We came home and I cried and apologized although I did nothing wrong really.

 

7)He becomes more and more distant. Complains about simple phone calls but speaks to his friends on skype for 5 hours.

 

8)We attend his sister's engagement and his parents are constantly asking and taking about OUR future together and he blows up on his mom. Urges her to stop talking about children and marriage between him and I. We come to the room and he tells me "I don't want you to feel offended but I dont think you are the one". I let that slide because I dont think there is such thing as the one. You make who ever you want the one but BIGGEST RED FLAG.

 

9)Again more and more distant. We attend an event and then he basically said, im confused about my feelings, im going through depression and this and that. BSSSS. Im still around. (we talk it out and things are getting "better" in my eyes but not in reality)

 

10)XMAS and New Years were terrible holidays. I was looking forward to spending them with him while he was just EHHH about it.

 

The list goes on and on. Anyways the breakup occurs at the end of January.

 

As you can see my list of red flags is VERY extensive. I stuck around because I genuinely loved him and though that we could overcome our issues, that he never communicated to me. However I believe that the reason I didn't really walk away is because I became Co-dependent. With all these flags I should have been LONG GONE a while ago. I also learned about different attachment styles and he is a love-avoidant while I went from secure to preoccupied.

 

Can anyone else relate?. If so How was your breakup? How did you overcome co-dependency?

 

Share your stories.

 

Dont be too hard on yourself hon. I've done the same thing with my last 2 relationships, I also have a problem with codependancy. I cant speak for everyone with codependancy, but for me, I become very invested in the person I am seeing and for some reason I'm afraid to lose them. That fear causes me to overlook huge red flags that really shouldve caused me to end the relationship. Also, when people are in relationships, we're in it to make it work initially. We're not in it to find any little reason to end it (well most people arent) I know for me, I will only end things when they get so bad I cant take it anymore.

 

I just got out of my last relationship a week ago. After hearing from the people on these forums I have realized so many things about myself, things I have to work on if I want to have a healthy relationship in the future. So far I'm making progress. This is what I've learned:

 

1). Just because a guy likes me doesnt mean I need to like him. I shouldnt be asking myself, "Does he like me?" I should be asking myself "Do I like him?"

2). Creating boundaries. The last guy I was with love bombed me..he moved way too fast and I allowed him to. The next relationship I have, I will take things slow. Evalute the guy, the relationship, and ask myself along the way if he is right for me and if this relationship a good fit for me.

3). Dont overlook red flags. If I see a red flag in my next relationship I will take time to myself, away from him, to assess whether its a deal breaker or not

4). Learn and value my self worth. This is something I'm doing now. I dont need to be with anyone to be whole. No one will make me whole or truly happy. That comes from me, and only me. I deserve to be with a good guy and in a good relationship. I'm not going to settle for anything less just for the sake of being with someone.

 

I think many women struggle with codependancy, your not alone. Take time for yourself now. Do some introspection. Heal yourself and learn to depend on yourself. Take the advice of the wise people on these forums, theyve helped me tremendously. Youre already reflecting on your mistakes, thats the first step. Be kind and paitent with yourself

[kztar]

Hi Disillusionment373,

 

Yes it is very hard. Im working on this myself but I think that the most important fact here is that Im learning about myself. Im 100% with you. Taking those same steps. I think that this forum has been very helpful. Alot of wise people here.

[Toodaloo]

It hurts but you two really were on very different pages.

[kztar]

It hurts but you two really were on very different pages.

 

Very much so. Just out of curiosity can you elaborate more on this?. Initially, I thought we were on the same page in life which is why we got together to begin with but NO

[Toodaloo]

Very much so. Just out of curiosity can you elaborate more on this?. Initially, I thought we were on the same page in life which is why we got together to begin with but NO

 

Just imagine you are reading someone elses words and read what you wrote again... seriously. Its obvious. You may as well stick a neon sign on it.

 

Five years down the line and you would have ended up hating each other because you both would have felt the other was holding you back in what you wanted to do and how you wanted to live.

[kztar]

Just imagine you are reading someone elses words and read what you wrote again... seriously. Its obvious. You may as well stick a neon sign on it.

 

Five years down the line and you would have ended up hating each other because you both would have felt the other was holding you back in what you wanted to do and how you wanted to live.

 

This is very true. I already felt like he held me back the time I was with him so VERY VERY TRUE

[ASG]

~Ha!! This sounds like my relationship with my ex.

 

He came on hot and strong, asked me to be his girlfriend about 3 weeks in, said I love you not long after (I didn't say it back at the time, but did eventually), and gave me the keys to his flat, all within a month.

 

But straight from the start it was clear we were too different and things were never gonna work. but I was determined to make things work, so I overlooked some things, like his workaholic tendencies and his inability to have a lazy day without feeling guilty... and the fact that he guilt tripped me for enjoying my lazy days.

 

We went on holiday and it was truly the worst holiday I've ever had. I was basically alone for the whole of it, as he'd sleep all day and stay up until 4am, whereas I wanted to enjoy the sun, so was up before 12pm and went to bed at around midnight. So we basically only interacted for lunch and dinner.

 

All in all, it was terrible, I knew it was terrible but I didn't want to accept the failure. I loved him because he loved me. Not because I thought he was such a great person.

 

It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that it couldn't last. But I finally did and we broke up.

[AnnaGem]

I too have been in your shoes, and can relate.

 

You mentioned that you "initially" thought you two were on the same page in the beginning.

 

in the past, I have been in scenarios where the guy I'm interested in becomes "madly in love" with me right off the bat and it seems like we have a great connection and want the same things. It's exciting, it's relieving, it's all sorts of good stuff and I used to gobble it up and ride that wave...problem was.. that wave usually fizzles out

 

For reasons I am currently trying to fix, I know I have a tendency to hang on to that "initial" feeling.. where there was enough conversation and spark that made me feel like we were compatible... I focused so much on it that I neglected to see all the new stuff that came up that proved we were actually not compatible, and I ignored the red flags too.. every time those new things crept in, I'd default to that "<insert whatever great initial connection feeling you can describe> and convince myself that it was worth it to overlook the problems and red flags.

 

So while initially, it's exciting when you hit it off with someone, it takes time to realize if those initial connections are truly tangible or just illusive sparks. And until that's known, I know I personally need to afford myself the opportunity to take things slowly and cautiously. And I also know it's important for me to have "deal breakers".. hearing your story sounds all too familiar.. in fact, it's the reason that one of my deal breakers is that "nobody should every make me feel confused or guilty for feeling the way I feel"

I don't care how compatible we might be, I have made a conscious contract with myself to not be with someone who makes me feel that way.

 

So that would be my advice.. make a contract with yourself- define what you want and don't want and stick to it..

Edited March 3, 2016 by AnnaGem

[kztar]

~Ha!! This sounds like my relationship with my ex.

 

He came on hot and strong, asked me to be his girlfriend about 3 weeks in, said I love you not long after (I didn't say it back at the time, but did eventually), and gave me the keys to his flat, all within a month.

 

But straight from the start it was clear we were too different and things were never gonna work. but I was determined to make things work, so I overlooked some things, like his workaholic tendencies and his inability to have a lazy day without feeling guilty... and the fact that he guilt tripped me for enjoying my lazy days.

 

We went on holiday and it was truly the worst holiday I've ever had. I was basically alone for the whole of it, as he'd sleep all day and stay up until 4am, whereas I wanted to enjoy the sun, so was up before 12pm and went to bed at around midnight. So we basically only interacted for lunch and dinner.

 

All in all, it was terrible, I knew it was terrible but I didn't want to accept the failure. I loved him because he loved me. Not because I thought he was such a great person.

 

It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that it couldn't last. But I finally did and we broke up.

 

OMG yes this sounds VERY familiar. My ex would never want to do anything but he would always make me feel guilty and boring because I enjoyed lazy weekends. I wish I was able to do more but I live in NYC where all my friends and all my hobbies are as of where he lives in the suburbs of NY so honestly there was not really much for me to do there. For this reason I tried to come up with plans and things to do but they never worked. After a while i gave up on even trying and everything became boring. He would complain that I need a hobby, that he couldn't be my whole life, that I NEEDED something to do besides spend time with him. So I signed up for the gym and I knew it was a mistake, I felt it SMH. Paid a whole year worth of a stupid gym that I dont even go to now because it's not my thing. I rather dance or do something else .All he ever cared for was going to the gym 6 hours a day and trying to maintain his body building physique.

 

How long were you guys together? Did you have as many red flags as I did ?

[kztar]

I too have been in your shoes, and can relate.

 

You mentioned that you "initially" thought you two were on the same page in the beginning.

 

in the past, I have been in scenarios where the guy I'm interested in becomes "madly in love" with me right off the bat and it seems like we have a great connection and want the same things. It's exciting, it's relieving, it's all sorts of good stuff and I used to gobble it up and ride that wave...problem was.. that wave usually fizzles out

 

For reasons I am currently trying to fix, I know I have a tendency to hang on to that "initial" feeling.. where there was enough conversation and spark that made me feel like we were compatible... I focused so much on it that I neglected to see all the new stuff that came up that proved we were actually not compatible, and I ignored the red flags too.. every time those new things crept in, I'd default to that "<insert whatever great initial connection feeling you can describe> and convince myself that it was worth it to overlook the problems and red flags.

 

So while initially, it's exciting when you hit it off with someone, it takes time to realize if those initial connections are truly tangible or just illusive sparks. And until that's known, I know I personally need to afford myself the opportunity to take things slowly and cautiously. And I also know it's important for me to have "deal breakers".. hearing your story sounds all too familiar.. in fact, it's the reason that one of my deal breakers is that "nobody should every make me feel confused or guilty for feeling the way I feel"

I don't care how compatible we might be, I have made a conscious contract with myself to not be with someone who makes me feel that way.

 

So that would be my advice.. make a contract with yourself- define what you want and don't want and stick to it..

 

Hey AnnaGem,

 

Yes that "initial" feeling is so perfect is almost hard to ignore. Then everything he did the first couple of months it made it seem like it could of worked. Although I must admit, since the start I was very skeptical because of how different we were but he was putting in SOOO much work, that in my head I said well if he puts in this much effort things are always going to be great.

 

Im definitely going to have a list of deal breakers because it's best to avoid investing yourself so much and the gaining nothing later. What are some other deal breakers for you? Also can you share your breakup story? I would love to know more.

[ASG]

OMG yes this sounds VERY familiar. My ex would never want to do anything but he would always make me feel guilty and boring because I enjoyed lazy weekends. I wish I was able to do more but I live in NYC where all my friends and all my hobbies are as of where he lives in the suburbs of NY so honestly there was not really much for me to do there. For this reason I tried to come up with plans and things to do but they never worked. After a while i gave up on even trying and everything became boring. He would complain that I need a hobby, that he couldn't be my whole life, that I NEEDED something to do besides spend time with him. So I signed up for the gym and I knew it was a mistake, I felt it SMH. Paid a whole year worth of a stupid gym that I dont even go to now because it's not my thing. I rather dance or do something else .All he ever cared for was going to the gym 6 hours a day and trying to maintain his body building physique.

 

How long were you guys together? Did you have as many red flags as I did ?

 

We were only together for about 8 months. Worst 8 months of my life.

 

After the initial rush, he stopped being affectionate. I once asked him why he didn't kiss me anymore... and he came out with the cookie jar analogy!!! I should have RAN straight away. But I didn't. I rationalised it in some way. Stupid mistake!

[kztar]

We were only together for about 8 months. Worst 8 months of my life.

 

After the initial rush, he stopped being affectionate. I once asked him why he didn't kiss me anymore... and he came out with the cookie jar analogy!!! I should have RAN straight away. But I didn't. I rationalised it in some way. Stupid mistake!

 

OMG yeah i learned to AVOID these type of men with such an initial rush. They are NO GOOD

[sadpanda3]

1) Him insulting waiters. I can't stress this one enough. If you experience this RUN.

 

2) His tantrums. Whenever I wasn't affectionate enough or looked at a guy the wrong way.

 

3) His mood swings.

 

4) Him trash talking his exes.

 

Only to name a few ones.

[loveandhearts]

Same, he told me loved me within a month. Even the first time we started talking he tild me he liked me and wanted to date. I didn't want him yet, but we cuddled that night and i guess he liked me even more after that. I was upset that I had even gone to his house to "cuddle" more or less. I ignore his texts for a month until i see him at a mutual gathering with friends. Then things spiraled and it's kind of a blur now. We started dating and he told me he wanted to marry me. Told me everything. Told me he wanted me to move in with him so early on and I thought "no way". Then what do I do, move in after a month or two of dating.

Initially when I didn't want to go steady he complained and basically acted like a child, idk how I fell for him, but I did.

 

Things seem good for a little bit. But then I start getting jealous of every girl he even knows is alive. Everyone thought I was so messed up but I felt like something was off. He didn't seem super into me anymore. Gave his damn mother more attention than me. (Next I will never be with a mommy's boy ugh). He didn't love making out anymore, only when he was horny did he want to make out. All I got were little pecks...I thought maybe that's normal.

We were regular getting in fights because of my "jealousy" and even I sometimes wondered why I felt like I had a reason to be.

We went to his friend's wedding and even HIS friends were wondering why he basically left me to sit by myself instead of showing me around/walking with me. One if his "friend" started hitting on me and he didn't do a thing. Just looked at me like I was terrible for "letting" a guy hit on me. He was sitting right next to me and not talking to me so why not let some dude entertain me. I thought he was supposed to stand up for me. He blamed it all on me and we left the wedding early.

It always felt like we didn't or couldn't talk that much, like there wasn't anything to say. I'd say we never talk and he'd say yeah we do.

Never seemed to appreciate my appearance anymore, but others would call me beautiful and he wouldn't react at all.

About 9 months into the relationship we were in another fight. He left to go to hi ls friend's house, so I looked on his laptop and at his history. He had gone on thousands of other girls' Facebook page, and then I clicked and saw he had been messaging so many different girls saying he didn't have a gf and that they were cute^beautiful.

I died. I thought were done. I confronted him. I was in shock. He had been doing it for months.

We were broken up for a little while, I never looked at him the same since then and the jealousy made sense. I think I knew somehow.

 

Don't ask me how but we got back together. I lived there and didn't think I could move out. It was convienent to be together and I thought I had fun with him. We went on vacation. Pretty fun but I constantly kept asking him who he's talking to. He promised he was done "with that".

Of course that was a lie. He stopped for a bit but started again at some point. Tellin girls on kik he wanted to have sex with them and meet them. He said he never meant it, it was just to get him off. I believed it, and believed he stopped. He may have finally stopped for the last few months but here we are, broken up like we should have been 7 months ago when I found out.

[kztar]

1) Him insulting waiters. I can't stress this one enough. If you experience this RUN.

 

2) His tantrums. Whenever I wasn't affectionate enough or looked at a guy the wrong way.

 

3) His mood swings.

 

4) Him trash talking his exes.

 

Only to name a few ones.

 

This sounds like enough SMH

[kztar]

Same, he told me loved me within a month. Even the first time we started talking he tild me he liked me and wanted to date. I didn't want him yet, but we cuddled that night and i guess he liked me even more after that. I was upset that I had even gone to his house to "cuddle" more or less. I ignore his texts for a month until i see him at a mutual gathering with friends. Then things spiraled and it's kind of a blur now. We started dating and he told me he wanted to marry me. Told me everything. Told me he wanted me to move in with him so early on and I thought "no way". Then what do I do, move in after a month or two of dating.

Initially when I didn't want to go steady he complained and basically acted like a child, idk how I fell for him, but I did.

 

Things seem good for a little bit. But then I start getting jealous of every girl he even knows is alive. Everyone thought I was so messed up but I felt like something was off. He didn't seem super into me anymore. Gave his damn mother more attention than me. (Next I will never be with a mommy's boy ugh). He didn't love making out anymore, only when he was horny did he want to make out. All I got were little pecks...I thought maybe that's normal.

We were regular getting in fights because of my "jealousy" and even I sometimes wondered why I felt like I had a reason to be.

We went to his friend's wedding and even HIS friends were wondering why he basically left me to sit by myself instead of showing me around/walking with me. One if his "friend" started hitting on me and he didn't do a thing. Just looked at me like I was terrible for "letting" a guy hit on me. He was sitting right next to me and not talking to me so why not let some dude entertain me. I thought he was supposed to stand up for me. He blamed it all on me and we left the wedding early.

It always felt like we didn't or couldn't talk that much, like there wasn't anything to say. I'd say we never talk and he'd say yeah we do.

Never seemed to appreciate my appearance anymore, but others would call me beautiful and he wouldn't react at all.

About 9 months into the relationship we were in another fight. He left to go to hi ls friend's house, so I looked on his laptop and at his history. He had gone on thousands of other girls' Facebook page, and then I clicked and saw he had been messaging so many different girls saying he didn't have a gf and that they were cute^beautiful.

I died. I thought were done. I confronted him. I was in shock. He had been doing it for months.

We were broken up for a little while, I never looked at him the same since then and the jealousy made sense. I think I knew somehow.

 

Don't ask me how but we got back together. I lived there and didn't think I could move out. It was convienent to be together and I thought I had fun with him. We went on vacation. Pretty fun but I constantly kept asking him who he's talking to. He promised he was done "with that".

Of course that was a lie. He stopped for a bit but started again at some point. Tellin girls on kik he wanted to have sex with them and meet them. He said he never meant it, it was just to get him off. I believed it, and believed he stopped. He may have finally stopped for the last few months but here we are, broken up like we should have been 7 months ago when I found out.

 

Im sorry you're going through this. When was the last time you spoke to him and what went on?

 

Guys will not change, sadly this is who they are. My EX EX was like that. He just couldn't keep himself together. He just ALWAYS had to go after tons of other woman. But we live and learn. That's an experience I shall not repeat and nor should you.