Shining One Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 So you're saying that ghosting is never acceptable, or it is always acceptable? Or that there is no set of rules for how to end a relationship? I'm not following your argument.My argument is that ghosting is only acceptable when the two people involved in the situation agree that it's acceptable. I personally don't know what the other person will consider acceptable, so I never disappear without a word.
AMJ Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 My argument is that ghosting is only acceptable when the two people involved in the situation agree that it's acceptable. I personally don't know what the other person will consider acceptable, so I never disappear without a word. After every single first date, you send her an email saying "So nice to meet you, but I don't want to see you again."? How can two people agree to ghost each other? That's not what ghosting is...that's what breaking up is.
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 This makes perfect sense to you and those who share your beliefs. However, Persons A, B, D, E, and F would disagree with you. Everyone has personal experiences that can justify their choices. I've been slapped by a woman for ending things with her after sleeping with her. Disappearing would have saved me from that experience. Would you recommend that I just disappear on women in the future? I think not. No but how about simply sending a text message letting her know you don't want to pursue it? Texting her would have saved you from that experience as well. Unless you've only had one meet or one date, ghosting is cruel. How hard is it to send a freakin text msg letting the other person know what's up? 1
Shining One Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 After every single first date, you send her an email saying "So nice to meet you, but I don't want to see you again."?Yes. I even respond to women on OLD indicating that I'm not interested.How can two people agree to ghost each other? That's not what ghosting is...that's what breaking up is.They don't agree to ghost each other. They both have the same understanding of when ghosting is acceptable. Example: If both agree that ghosting is okay after three dates, then one of them can ghost the other after three dates.
Wewon Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I don't want to put words in his mouth but i think that I see what shining one is saying. A lot of the 'rules' that we have in dating are pretty subjective and arbitrary, so its hard to draw a definitive line in the sand and proceed to declare a behavior such ghosting right under one set of circumstances and wrong under another. That being said, I personally find ghosting about as justifiable as hitting someone in the face with a cream pie. 5
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 No but how about simply sending a text message letting her know you don't want to pursue it? Texting her would have saved you from that experience as well. Unless you've only had one meet or one date, ghosting is cruel. How hard is it to send a freakin text msg letting the other person know what's up? To add ^^...unless you've had only one meet or date, ghosting is cruel. I mean, how hard is it to send a friggin text msg letting the other person know you'd don't wish to pursue it. No one "owes" anyone anything, but how about some basic common courtesy? So the other person is sitting there for days/weeks/months wondering what the hell happened to you. Not directing this at you SO.... just in general to everyone....who thinks it's okay to ghost. Jesus. 2
Shining One Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 No but how about simply sending a text message letting her know you don't want to pursue it? Texting her would have saved you from that experience as well. Unless you've only had one meet or one date, ghosting is cruel. How hard is it to send a freakin text msg letting the other person know what's up?My point was that using the "it's more convenient for me" or "it saves me from an unpleasant situation" excuse is not a good reason for ghosting. I have never disappeared on a woman at any point while dating. 3
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 My point was that using the "it's more convenient for me" or "it saves me from an unpleasant situation" excuse is not a good reason for ghosting. I have never disappeared on a woman at any point while dating. I am happy to hear that!!!
adarna Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 To add ^^...unless you've had only one meet or date, ghosting is cruel. I mean, how hard is it to send a friggin text msg letting the other person know you'd don't wish to pursue it. No one "owes" anyone anything, but how about some basic common courtesy? So the other person is sitting there for days/weeks/months wondering what the hell happened to you. Not directing this at you SO.... just in general to everyone....who thinks it's okay to ghost. Jesus. YES! Common courtesy, thank you!! Now that I think about it, another man ghosted on me and it was after the first meet. Any other first meet I really wouldn't care, but we had so much chemistry and he said he couldn't wait to see me again and he set up a second date on the spot. And then nothing. Based on the details of his life, I understood why and got over it pretty quickly, but sheesh it would have been nice if he hadn't stood me up! Rude, lol.
TXGuy Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 What is the definition folks are using for ghosting here? Is it: 1.) Stop initiating and refusing to respond to any communication. or 2.) Simply not initiating anymore. To me, #1 seems rude. #2 doesn't seem that bad to me. If a guy's interest is waning, he might stop initiating dates and communication. I don't see anything wrong with that. If the girl wants to know what is up, they can call and ask. If she does that, the guy should respond.
truth_seeker Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I went on a date last month. Met her from Tinder. Nice woman. Good conversation. She wanted to see me again. She even sent texts asking how I was doing. I wasn't interested but did send her replies to her texts. I just let it die out. I felt bad but at the same time I felt worse to send her a message: "Hey, I'm just not into you." The only time I could see myself following up after a bad or no spark first date is if mutual friends or family set it up. I've lost friends over this.
AMJ Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 What is the definition folks are using for ghosting here? Is it: 1.) Stop initiating and refusing to respond to any communication. or 2.) Simply not initiating anymore. To me, #1 seems rude. #2 doesn't seem that bad to me. If a guy's interest is waning, he might stop initiating dates and communication. I don't see anything wrong with that. If the girl wants to know what is up, they can call and ask. If she does that, the guy should respond. IMO ghosting is when someone cuts all contact at some point in a relationship. It's not in the early dating phases and it's when two people have some type of relationship established. The "ghoster" doesn't respond to any communication afterwards. So you're wondering- WTF happened, did they die, do they hate me? Maybe others use ghosting to refer to when you're casually dating someone, decide you're no longer interested, and disappear. It's not the best way to handle it but I personally don't really think people need to have a break up conversation after two or three dates.
TXGuy Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 IMO ghosting is when someone cuts all contact at some point in a relationship. Ok, that is reasonable. I got the impression some women consider it ghosting when their guy stops initiating. Since they (the women) expect the guy to do all of the initiating, they will not contact the guy. Then, they claim they have been ghosted. In the situation just described, it seems like they ghosted on each other. Her: He just stopped calling and texting. He ghosted on me. 3rd party: Well, did you call or text him? Her: No, that's his job. If I understand right, that wouldn't be ghosting, just two people that don't communicate well.
Author ashy555 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Thanks for all the replies guys. A few sad stories there too I think disappearing after one date is ok.. depending on circumstances. As long as their wasn't that much communication beforehand. It would probably hurt less than getting a message saying 'sorry, not really interested'. If you were talking for weeks beforehand then I believe you gotta fess up. I have actually been ghosted or slow faded out by every single guy I have had interest in. The fun usually ends at the 3-4 month mark. This last guy was literally a poof out of nowhere. I didn't bother to msg him again after that as he completely disrespected me by not even bothering to let me know if he was not coming over that night. I dont want him thinking that is something i will put up with. Usually most men that have ghosted me have reappeared somewhere down the line. One guy actually had a gf of 6 months and begged me to see him. In the end i had to block him as he was harassing me. Another guy pulled the slow fade. It wasn't until two weeks after that I had to message him one more time and actually got my break up message. A few months later he added me back on fb and started messaging me again This one probably will the moment I forget about him as we have spoken on and off for the past 4 years. I hope he does. 1
Nicole11 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 You say you had "a bad feeling about him"? ALWAYS trust your gut!! ALWAYS. That is what is called women's intuition and it is NOT a wives tale. TRUST your self, your mind was picking up on his vibe. I know it is easier said than done, but I have been crushed by guys like him, heart broken, and once I learned to TRUST that gut feeling? I have NEVER been wrong!!! I have a great man in my life who loves me to the moon and back, even sick, matted hair, no makeup and looking like something the cat drug in. They are out there, there are great guys out there. They too are getting played by women, so take your time getting to know your dates, really take your time, don't give your heart oh so quick and don't jump in bed real quick. Take the time - if he is a good guy, a KEEPER he will respect it, I don't know what an acceptable 'time' frame is, it is relationship specific, but at LEAST a month to 6 weeks. If he can't respect that, why bother? He won't respect your thoughts and feelings on other life issues either. I am so sorry you were hurt like this. Trust in YOU and make your life fun and whole on your own. The right man will appear, but NOT when you are looking. 1
Author ashy555 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 You say you had "a bad feeling about him"? ALWAYS trust your gut!! ALWAYS. That is what is called women's intuition and it is NOT a wives tale. TRUST your self, your mind was picking up on his vibe. I know it is easier said than done, but I have been crushed by guys like him, heart broken, and once I learned to TRUST that gut feeling? I have NEVER been wrong!!! I have a great man in my life who loves me to the moon and back, even sick, matted hair, no makeup and looking like something the cat drug in. They are out there, there are great guys out there. They too are getting played by women, so take your time getting to know your dates, really take your time, don't give your heart oh so quick and don't jump in bed real quick. Take the time - if he is a good guy, a KEEPER he will respect it, I don't know what an acceptable 'time' frame is, it is relationship specific, but at LEAST a month to 6 weeks. If he can't respect that, why bother? He won't respect your thoughts and feelings on other life issues either. I am so sorry you were hurt like this. Trust in YOU and make your life fun and whole on your own. The right man will appear, but NOT when you are looking. Yep. I definitely had a feeling. I almost had a feeling at the start but had nothing to actually base it on. I started to think maybe their was a reason he kept kind of coming back to me. Then i told myself this wasn't for me as i could sense it would go pear shaped somewhere and i would get hurt. I wanted to feel empowered. I was thinking about having the chat that night. A civil chat. One where we could stay friends. Then BAM.. He got their first and once again I was left humiliated. I need to be quicker and stronger. Not let things get that far.
Calypso Girl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I was ghosted a few years by a guy I was seeing for 6 weeks, who ironically was far more into me than I was into him. Regardless of the short duration and my lesser feelings, I can still vouch for the fact it was a truly horrible experience at the time! I was going on holiday and promised (rather insisted!) he'd take me to the airport next day. However, he never showed up and I had to call a cab at the last minute. I sent a few texts which were ignored. He had some stuff of mine I really wanted back. While on holiday, despite all best efforts I found myself wondering what the hell had happened, since this guy appeared so keen. His friends had even been telling me they'd never see him so happy! About a YEAR later when I'd totally forgotten about the incident, on the way to work I received a voicemail from him. He sounded a bit desperate and asked me to call him. Obviously I ignored him but he called back later. Turned out he'd gone back to his ex-wife who'd thrown him out and he wanted somewhere to stay!!!! The nerve of he guy! Although I'd told him where to go in no uncertain terms, nonetheless he turned up at mine later that evening (with my stuff thankfully) and (literally) pleaded with me to take him back.Absolutely incredible. Even if I'd had some residual feelings for him, he looked and sounded so pathetic standing there on the doorstep, it was a complete turn off. Ugh! How on earth this guy could believe he had the slightest chance just beggared belief. I'd totally forgotten about him and was seeing someone else, which I gladly told him sending him on his way!!
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Wow I can't believe this actually happens! I mean, I've been ghosted a couple of times when trying to get to know someone BEFORE meeting but never after we've actually met and dated. Who does that!?? Talk about immature and cowardly behavior. Some people are so freakin' weird when it comes to basic manners and interpersonal skills. UGH.
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) I went on a date last month. Met her from Tinder. Nice woman. Good conversation. She wanted to see me again. She even sent texts asking how I was doing. I wasn't interested but did send her replies to her texts. I just let it die out. I felt bad but at the same time I felt worse to send her a message: "Hey, I'm just not into you." The only time I could see myself following up after a bad or no spark first date is if mutual friends or family set it up. I've lost friends over this. Oh hell, what about how SHE feels? And you don't have to text her "Hey, I'm just not into you." Instead of replying to her acting like everything is all cool....all you need to say is "It was great meeting you, but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further, wish you the best." That's it! Continuing to text her and then letting it die out the way you did is not only MORE hurtful than had you sent that text....but it just prolongs the inevitable and an utter waste of time and energy.... for BOTH of you. Some of you guys (not you in particular TS) really need to step up to the plate and quit being cowards about this. It is not difficult to send a simple text saying you're not interested in pursuing further. Again, COMMON COURTESY. This is assuming she (or he if roles are reversed) continues to text you after your first meet/date. If she doesn't text you after the FIRST meet, then okay to not contact again. It's not even ghosting cuz there was nothing there to ghost from. You only met one time. Edited March 4, 2016 by katiegrl
Jabron1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) Oh hell you don't have to text her "Hey, I'm just not into you." Jesus Instead of replying to her acting like everything is all cool....all you need to say is "It was great meeting you, but not feeling enough chemistry to pursue further, wish you the best." That's it! Letting it die out the way you did is not only MORE hurtful than had you sent that text....but it just prolongs the inevitable and an utter waste of time and energy.... for BOTH of you. Some of you guys (not you in particular TS) really need to step up to the plate and quit being cowards about this. It is not difficult to send a simple text saying you're not interested in pursuing further. Again, COMMON COURTESY. This is assuming she (or he if roles are reversed) continues to text you after your first meet/date. If she doesn't text you after the FIRST meet, then okay to not contact again. It's not even ghosting cuz there was nothing there to ghost from. You only met one time. Katie, a woman I ghosted on recently flaked on a date and didn't contact me until two weeks later. Didn't even have the respect to tell me that she couldn't make it. Then, she was blowing up my phone for a week when I wouldn't speak to her. Another one tried to exploit me by cuffing me for Christmas but acting flakey all the rest of the time. People like this don't deserve the time of day. People like this are beneath me. I could say 'it was great meeting you', but it wasn't. Nothing to do with cowardice; everything to do with not lowering myself. A good woman like in Truth_seekers post deserves to be treated with respect. But, I'm not feeling obligated to be good to bad people, and giving them more of my attention. I'm a good guy; I'm just selective about who I'm good to. Edited March 4, 2016 by Jabron1
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) Katie, a woman I ghosted on recently flaked on a date and didn't contact me until two weeks later. Didn't even have the respect to tell me that she couldn't make it. Then, she was blowing up my phone for a week when I wouldn't speak to her. As well you shouldn't have! That is a completely different situation from what I and most people are referring to...and not even ghosting! You had GOOD reason to not contact her.... she had flaked on you and didn't even have the courtesy of telling you why OR contacting you for two weeks. SHE ghosted YOU! I am talking about having a few dates that went well, and then for whatever reason, realizing you don't wish to pursue....which is your right. She continues to text you, and instead of simply texting her you don't wish to pursue further.... you ignore her. That's wrong IMO....and to those who wish to continuing ghosting...suit yourselves. Karma is a bytch. Edited March 4, 2016 by katiegrl
ff12343 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 As well you shouldn't have! That is a completely different situation from what I and most people are referring to...and not even ghosting! You had GOOD reason to not contact her.... she had flaked on you and didn't even have the courtesy of telling you why OR contacting you for two weeks. SHE ghosted YOU! I am talking about having a few dates that went well, and then for whatever reason, realizing you don't wish to pursue....which is your right. She continues to text you, and instead of simply texting her you don't wish to pursue further.... you ignore her. That's wrong IMO....and to those who wish to continuing ghosting...suit yourselves. Karma is a bytch. It is wrong. Happens all the time unfortunately. Best advice is not to get attached easily until further down the road. Welcome to dating in this time unfortunately. The 'swiping' really has f**ked us. We're all just options now.
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 It is wrong. Happens all the time unfortunately. Best advice is not to get attached easily until further down the road. Welcome to dating in this time unfortunately. The 'swiping' really has f**ked us. We're all just options now. I agree, sad state of affairs if you ask me. This is why I stay away from OLD and only date men I meet IRL. Not that it guarantees anything, but at least I have some idea of who he is....and whether he is the "ghosting" type or not. Fortunately, my instincts are strong and, as such, I have NEVER been ghosted on or even faded on.
Jabron1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I am talking about having a few dates that went well, and then for whatever reason, realizing you don't wish to pursue.... She continues to text you, and instead of simply texting her you don't wish to pursue further.... you ignore her. That's wrong IMO....but suit yourself. Karma is a bytch. I always treat good people well. I just say something like 'sorry, you're a cool person, but I don't think it's working because of A, B and C', etc. I ghost when I've been given crappy behaviour and am not exclusive with the person. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with that. I'm way past the point of feeling obligated to treat everyone with indiscriminate respect. Respect is earned. 1
ff12343 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I agree, sad state of affairs if you ask me. This is why I stay away from OLD and only date men I meet IRL. Not that it guarantees anything, but at least I have some idea of who he is....and whether he is the "ghosting" type or not. Fortunately, my instincts are strong and, as such, I have NEVER been ghosted on or even faded on. It's just like how instead of people enjoying concerts today, they RECORD the moment on their iphones and droids. Can't do anything about it but adjust to the times. Gotta adjust to how dating is today.
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