Ghosting literally makes you crazy!!

[truth_seeker]

Everyone regular on here know my story.

 

We were in an official relationship for 6 months. Family, friends and children involved.

 

He got on a plane to leave for a trip. Before leaving he told me he loved me, he can't live without me, he'll go crazy without me in his life, and he'll call me as soon as he land in that other country.

 

I never heard from him again.

 

I called, text, email.

 

It didn't make me crazy. It made me bitter, mad, it made me feel betrayed, it made me hate men, again.

 

I have moved on and I met someone else. He is everything I am looking for and he makes me so happy but in the back of my mind I always carry this fear that one day he'll disappear.

 

It sucks having gone through this. It does something to us that can't be undone.

 

Wow! Sorry to hear you experienced this. I can understand why you would feel angry and have trust issues with men. That's pretty sick of the guy to say those things to you and just disappear.

[truth_seeker]

I don't want to offend anyone and I have been dating for a long, long time but I was almost never ghosted. I think it's due to the fact that there are subtle signs that the guy is losing interest. If you read them correctly, you can move on yourself before it happens. Also I read no answer as an answer too. If the guy is meeting you and contacting you less and less, even if he says nothing is wrong, you don't wait around. I have met plenty of lukewarm guys and I'm sure they would have ghosted/faded if I was happy enough to take their crumbs.l of attention.

 

I grew up with a brother and have had plenty of male friends. There is such a marked difference in how the same guy acts when he is really interested and when he is "meh". Guys are not subtle when they are interested. There aren't mixed messages. If it's not clear, it's not there.

 

Not that I'm excusing guys that ghost. You can't change other people though. You can only learn to protect yourself from unnecessary trauma.

 

You make good points. I grew up with only females around me and I learned a lot about the games girl play, so it's easy for me to to pick up on signs from women. I like how though people think I'm "paranoid" or it's all in my head...

 

I'm a little different then most men. Guys generally chase, chat the girl up constantly until he gets her number, gets her on a date. If he likes her after seeing her, he will be in constant communication. With me, I wait for the girls to chase then I take my time making a move. Sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires... I'm like this due to my upbringing with women.

[Eighty_nine]

He didn't want to tell me in case it didn't work out with her because he still liked me, but he knew that if he told me I'd effectively cut him out of my life and he wouldn't have a chance to come crawling back.

 

I think this is the reason for 90% of ghosting incidents. If they knew for sure they weren't interested, normally, they won't ghost- they'll just tell you. It's this wanting to keep you as a back-up thing, which is really common in our world of social media and online dating.

[Saracena]

I think this is the reason for 90% of ghosting incidents. If they knew for sure they weren't interested, normally, they won't ghost- they'll just tell you. It's this wanting to keep you as a back-up thing, which is really common in our world of social media and online dating.

 

Makes perfect sense given that a very large proportion actually reappear at some point later. Personally, I have never even considered going back to someone I had purposely ended a relationship with. However, I do believe there are others who do wish to end things who also ghost!

[truth_seeker]

 

My story: I was ghosted on a couple years ago. It started after the 5-month mark with a bit of a fade -- calls/texts slowed down and he stood me up a couple times. It was always excuses like "work is so insane right now" and "I've just been so busy with family." Then one day he just stopped responding.

 

After about a month of NC, I ran into him and he acted like nothing happened. I called him out on his crap and he tried to turn it around me, saying I stopped calling him. We both knew this was completely untrue. He thought he could get away with it, but I still had our texts/call log on my phone and proved him wrong.

 

Finally he confessed that he had met someone else he "liked better physically" (ouch) and started dating her. He didn't want to tell me in case it didn't work out with her because he still liked me, but he knew that if he told me I'd effectively cut him out of my life and he wouldn't have a chance to come crawling back.

 

This is unbelievable! The guy lies to your face, tries to cover it up by blaming

you, then ultimately confesses it was all done to keep you as a back up if his other prospect didn't work out.

 

Right here it tells you how people are such liars out for themselves. This is why I don't trust most women I meet. I know they're dating at least one guy but willing to entertain another man if she feels he's an upgrade.

[truth_seeker]

I think this is the reason for 90% of ghosting incidents. If they knew for sure they weren't interested, normally, they won't ghost- they'll just tell you. It's this wanting to keep you as a back-up thing, which is really common in our world of social media and online dating.

 

Very true. I connected with this woman on Tinder. We hit off with chats but never met up. We stop talking. Month goes by and she texts me; "Hey, sorry I went missing. Things got busy. When are you taking me out on a date?" I knew right away "busy" meant seeing other guys, none worked out, now I get my turn.

Edited March 3, 2016 by truth_seeker

[AMJ]

Very true. I connected with this woman on Tinder. We hit off with chats but never met up. We stop talking. Month goes by and she texts me; "Hey, sorry I went missing. Things got busy. When are you taking me out on a date?" I knew right away "busy" meant seeing other guys, none worked out, now I get my turn.

 

I'm laughing because a guy asked me the other day "So did it take you two weeks to reply to my last message because you were dating a bunch of other guys?" He said a few other stupid things so I ended up un-matching him. But the truth was I really was busy! And not really dating other guys but talking to others, yes. Anyway ghosting to me only applies when you're actually in a relationship. I think it's fine to disappear after a few dates if you're not interested. But when feelings are involved, and the person leaving doesn't want to deal with hurting the other's feelings...ugh. ouch.

[truth_seeker]

I'm laughing because a guy asked me the other day "So did it take you two weeks to reply to my last message because you were dating a bunch of other guys?" He said a few other stupid things so I ended up un-matching him. But the truth was I really was busy! And not really dating other guys but talking to others, yes. Anyway ghosting to me only applies when you're actually in a relationship. I think it's fine to disappear after a few dates if you're not interested. But when feelings are involved, and the person leaving doesn't want to deal with hurting the other's feelings...ugh. ouch.

 

I can't blame the guy for thinking the way he did as he was partially right - you were talking to other men. I'm not blaming you, I understand you were busy and had tons of other guys hitting you up, so it's easy to forget, put people to the side... but it does come off like you kept him on the back burner.

[AMJ]

I don't want to offend anyone and I have been dating for a long, long time but I was almost never ghosted. I think it's due to the fact that there are subtle signs that the guy is losing interest. If you read them correctly, you can move on yourself before it happens. Also I read no answer as an answer too. If the guy is meeting you and contacting you less and less, even if he says nothing is wrong, you don't wait around. I have met plenty of lukewarm guys and I'm sure they would have ghosted/faded if I was happy enough to take their crumbs.l of attention.

 

 

I read this and think...sigh. Yeah, she's right. Because if we are brutally honest with ourselves, there's always a sign or deep nagging feeling that something's just not right. You don't want to admit this though, because you want someone to feel sorry for the ****ty thing that's just happened to you.

 

 

 

I grew up with a brother and have had plenty of male friends. There is such a marked difference in how the same guy acts when he is really interested and when he is "meh". Guys are not subtle when they are interested. There aren't mixed messages. If it's not clear, it's not there.

 

Not that I'm excusing guys that ghost. You can't change other people though. You can only learn to protect yourself from unnecessary trauma.

 

I agree- it's not difficult in a normal circumstance to gauge a man's interest. Don't get me started on commitmentphobes, however...because they will give hot and cold mixed signals and typically the cold signals don't happen until you're already hooked. So, of course you overlook the bad and focus on the good.

 

Or sometimes there are just other things that happen...such as the time my then boyfriend was about to leave to serve in Afghanistan. We'd only been dating a few months, but he wanted to spend his last night stateside with me. He asked me if I'd wait for him to come home. I was terrified for many reasons but said yes. He left and I never heard from him again. I won't get in to detail about what that was like for me, but it was horrible. Months later he finally responded to one of my emails, and explained that he realized he couldn't handle a relationship while trying to not get killed every day. I didn't blame him for "ghosting me" (this was not a term back then...) at the time, but it was still really painful. Not really sure what I could have done to avoid being hurt, other than not be involved with him at all.

[hotgurl]

I was ghosted and then after I pulled her teeth out to get an answer weeks later, all I got was "I did that so I wouldn't hurt you".

Insane right? I also can't believe it's so common now that it's an actual term. It CAN make you go crazy with anxiety.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Time heals.

 

 

...It does.

 

What she really meant was "I did that because I am too much of a coward to break up with you face to face"

 

I hate ghosting it is so rude. If you can have sex with someone you can break up with them to their face.

[Miss Peach]

I was ghosted about 3 years ago. We had been together for 4 months. He had told me he loved me, we dated a few times per week, I had a drawer he cleared out wanting me to put my things there, etc.

 

Then one Saturday night the time he was supposed to come came and it wasn't like him to be late. So I texted him asking if I made a mistake - was I supposed to meet him somewhere or go to his house? I got back a text cancelling so he could go to work (he worked a corporate job so I really doubt they were spending Saturday night in the office). I tried to call to understand what was going on because I hate trying to communicate through text anything significant. He dodged my call.

 

The next day he sent me a text 'Sorry I was rude. I'll give you a call.' A few days later I never heard from him so I sent him a text asking him to drop off my things at my work and leave them with the receptionist (we worked across the street from each other). I knew it was over but it hurt a lot more wondering what happened than if he had just told me he was done.

 

A few weeks later one of my friends came to visit me and we did a bunch of touristy things. I happened to see this guy with a new woman on his arm, that looked similar to me, with him taking her on the same type of date he did with me, and she was totally oblivious.

 

My most recent relationship was my only LTR, monogamous relationship since and I had some anxiety for awhile it was too good to be true. I finally settled mentally on the idea that I can't control the outcome or 'punish' my BF for my baggage so I am just trying to stay in the moment and enjoy whatever time I have with him. Lately my BF's baggage about being faded on has surfaced and caused some issues between us we had to talk out. It hurts both sexes IMO.

 

I am used to people ghosting after a few dates. That seems pretty normal now. But if a guy asks me out again, I am always straight with him about whether or not I want to go out with him. I have had a lot of guys thank me for being direct and not just fading.

[Shining One]

Anyway ghosting to me only applies when you're actually in a relationship. I think it's fine to disappear after a few dates if you're not interested. But when feelings are involved, and the person leaving doesn't want to deal with hurting the other's feelings...ugh. ouch.

I believe this line of thinking is a slippery slope. Everyone is going to draw that line differently.

• Person A: It's never fine to disappear on someone.
  
• Person B: It's fine to disappear after one date.
  
• Person C: It's fine to disappear after a few dates.
  
• Person D: It's fine to disappear after sex.
  
• Person E: It's fine to disappear a few months in.
  
• Person F: It's fine to disappear as long as you're not married.
  

People get feelings involved at different times. What's "right" to the person disappearing may not be right to the person on the receiving end.

[Miss Peach]

I forgot to mention that the ghosting guy tried to contact me about a year later to test if the door was still open. It wasn't. The sad thing is if he had just broken up with me I probably would have looked back on him with respect and thinking of good times we shared. But since he ghosted I think of him as a coward and am so happy I didn't waste more time with him.

[hotgurl]

Fortunately I have only been ghosted once. And this was back in High School, before it was a thing.

 

I don't know if this story will make me look physco or not. I was 14 or 15 and was 17 or 18. Dating in HS. One of my first dating relationship, we dated a couple of months and he started ghosting me. It was not gradual one day we were making out the next day he was never at home.

 

I called and he was "busy" or "out" it took me a while to realize he was breaking up with me. I was so mad, not about the break up but the way he did it.

 

I knew where he worked and I walked up to his car on his break to ask if he indeed wanted to break up, call him a coward for not telling me, and asked him why. (he wanted sex, I wasn't ready).

 

LOL the look on his face when he saw me walking up to his car was oh Sh&t!.

[adarna]

I don't want to offend anyone and I have been dating for a long, long time but I was almost never ghosted. I think it's due to the fact that there are subtle signs that the guy is losing interest. If you read them correctly, you can move on yourself before it happens. Also I read no answer as an answer too. If the guy is meeting you and contacting you less and less, even if he says nothing is wrong, you don't wait around. I have met plenty of lukewarm guys and I'm sure they would have ghosted/faded if I was happy enough to take their crumbs.l of attention.

 

I think even if you don't wait around, ghosting can still happen. Just because you move on before the act of ghosting doesn't change the fact that it's already happening/going to happen.

 

For instance, in my situation, when I sensed that he was fading and started to cancel on dates, I didn't keep contacting him or sit around waiting for him to not be too "busy" for me. That didn't change the fact that he still disappeared within a two-week period.

 

Plus, I think the beginning stages of ghosting starts THEN you see the signs he's losing interest. (Sometimes they also disappear out of the blue, where everything seems perfect and consistent and there's no fade away or anything, which happened to a friend of mind and it's just terrible)

[Jabron1]

I ghost sometimes. I also have it happen to me too.

 

The way I look at it, if a woman is good to me, or we just don't click, and I want to end it for whatever reason, I'll always try to end things respectfully.

 

However, if the reason i'm ditching her is because she disrespected me, she is very lucky if I ever give her the time of day again.

 

I'm way past the point of feeling obligated to disrespectful and crappy people.

 

A few years ago, I had a woman give me some really bad behaviour. Generally being flakey and offish with me - typical hot/cold, push/pull nonsense. Normally I would just go ghost, and forget her. However, when she started trying to pull me back into orbit, I decided to nuke her from orbit altogether. I figured why not give her a piece of my mind?

 

It was a mistake. It didn't make me feel any better. If anything, it made me feel worse. I was still giving her my attention; attention that she didn't deserve. I had lowered myself. Lesson learnt.

 

As for women ghosting on me, If I have to double-text and still get no reply, the ball is in her court. I'm not waiting around. I'll go out and find someone else instead.

[AMJ]

I believe this line of thinking is a slippery slope. Everyone is going to draw that line differently.

• Person A: It's never fine to disappear on someone.
  
• Person B: It's fine to disappear after one date.
  
• Person C: It's fine to disappear after a few dates.
  
• Person D: It's fine to disappear after sex.
  
• Person E: It's fine to disappear a few months in.
  
• Person F: It's fine to disappear as long as you're not married.
  

People get feelings involved at different times. What's "right" to the person disappearing may not be right to the person on the receiving end.

 

Ideally people can just use common sense. After four dates with a guy, things were going nowhere. He called to ask me out again, I just explained that it wasn't working, said I didn't want to see him again. Then he sends me a really long text message essentially dumping me...I'm thinking, wait, I just dumped you..but whatever. He made it so awkward by having a "breakup" conversation after four dates. We barely even kissed, and there were no real feelings involved. Then again, him being awkward in general was part of the problem.

 

People don't owe each other anything after just a few dates. Maybe this conversation should be about- what is ghosting? Disappearing before feelings, before sex, before a relationship is one thing. Disappearing after "I love you" has been said and sex has been had and real time has been spent together is another thing.

[Shining One]

People don't owe each other anything after just a few dates. Maybe this conversation should be about- what is ghosting? Disappearing before feelings, before sex, before a relationship is one thing. Disappearing after "I love you" has been said and sex has been had and real time has been spent together is another thing.

This makes perfect sense to you and those who share your beliefs. However, Persons A, B, D, E, and F would disagree with you.

 

Everyone has personal experiences that can justify their choices. I've been slapped by a woman for ending things with her after sleeping with her. Disappearing would have saved me from that experience. Would you recommend that I just disappear on women in the future? I think not.

[AMJ]

This makes perfect sense to you and those who share your beliefs. However, Persons A, B, D, E, and F would disagree with you.

 

Everyone has personal experiences that can justify their choices. I've been slapped by a woman for ending things with her after sleeping with her. Disappearing would have saved me from that experience. Would you recommend that I just disappear on women in the future? I think not.

 

Well, I think I mentioned that sleeping together means you've passed the point of when it's acceptable to ghost on someone. Again, common sense.

[Saracena]

I forgot to mention that the ghosting guy tried to contact me about a year later to test if the door was still open. It wasn't. The sad thing is if he had just broken up with me I probably would have looked back on him with respect and thinking of good times we shared. But since he ghosted I think of him as a coward and am so happy I didn't waste more time with him.

 

A year? Incredible that someone would even believe a person would be interested, even available after such a long time. Yet I heard of similar cases even after two years. On the other hand, I can understand instances of where ppl get in touch to apologise as with time/hindsight they to come to realise they may not have behaved very nobly at the time. People are often not that self-aware at the time.

 

I bumped into an ex of mine some time ago. He hadn't ghosted or anything (I was the one who ended it two years ago) but when I told him I had moved a year before, I was actually very struck by his rather startled response. For a normally imperturbable guy, I could see he was still puzzling about it even as we talked about other things.

[Shining One]

Well, I think I mentioned that sleeping together means you've passed the point of when it's acceptable to ghost on someone.

Who gets to determine when it's acceptable to disappear on someone? Personally, I would "prefer" a woman ghost on me after first date sex than ghost on me after four dates and no sex.

 

There was a recent thread about "what kind of rejection is preferred". Two women indicated that they prefer the guy ghost on them (after sex) rather than communicate it's over. It's not common sense when there are so many differing opinions.

[adarna]

This is unbelievable! The guy lies to your face, tries to cover it up by blaming

you, then ultimately confesses it was all done to keep you as a back up if his other prospect didn't work out.

 

Right here it tells you how people are such liars out for themselves. This is why I don't trust most women I meet. I know they're dating at least one guy but willing to entertain another man if she feels he's an upgrade.

 

Yea, it was really terrible on his part. I can't believe I even got it out of him. I don't think I would have if it were over text or phone and if I didn't have evidence that HE ghosted on me. We were also pretty much stuck together for a couple hours that day, so he kinda had nowhere to run and hide. Hah.

 

I don't blame you. It took a while for me to start trusting again. Even now I still have anxiety from time to time, but it's not as bad as before.

[AMJ]

Who gets to determine when it's acceptable to disappear on someone? Personally, I would "prefer" a woman ghost on me after first date sex than ghost on me after four dates and no sex.

 

There was a recent thread about "what kind of rejection is preferred". Two women indicated that they prefer the guy ghost on them (after sex) rather than communicate it's over. It's not common sense when there are so many differing opinions.

 

So you're saying that ghosting is never acceptable, or it is always acceptable? Or that there is no set of rules for how to end a relationship? I'm not following your argument.

 

I didn't read the other thread...but I would guess that out of ten women, only two would be okay if a guy ghosted after sex. "Common sense" doesn't mean that it's universally true, there's always exceptions to the rule...but its more of a "majority rules" way of thinking.

[adarna]

Who gets to determine when it's acceptable to disappear on someone? Personally, I would "prefer" a woman ghost on me after first date sex than ghost on me after four dates and no sex.

 

There was a recent thread about "what kind of rejection is preferred". Two women indicated that they prefer the guy ghost on them (after sex) rather than communicate it's over. It's not common sense when there are so many differing opinions.

 

The person who was ghosted on. Does it really matter how many opinions there are? It shouldn't dictate when ghosting is okay and when it isn't. If it hurts, it hurts.

 

Having said that, I think the majority of people would agree that it's never okay to ghost on someone that you're regularly sleeping with.

[ff12343]

It's never ok unless there was zero chemistry on the first date.

 

Immature people today have the mentality that it's easier to disappear rather than have an honest talk.

 

Best approach is have zero expectations until you have an exclusivity talk. Don't put yourself out there to be emotionally vulnerable.