Simon Phoenix Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 That's part of the reason why you were advised not to send it in the first place. You expected it to serve as a tool to get you back in the door. It obviously didn't -- because it rarely does in your situation -- and now you've been knocked back. Don't stay No Contact for 30 days. Stay No Contact until you are indifferent, until you can talk to your ex without having ulterior motives or agendas. When you get to that point, you probably won't even want to talk to them at all. But yeah, unfortunately you learned a basic breakup lesson.
Author ksol9 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 (edited) That's part of the reason why you were advised not to send it in the first place. You expected it to serve as a tool to get you back in the door. It obviously didn't -- because it rarely does in your situation -- and now you've been knocked back. Don't stay No Contact for 30 days. Stay No Contact until you are indifferent, until you can talk to your ex without having ulterior motives or agendas. When you get to that point, you probably won't even want to talk to them at all. But yeah, unfortunately you learned a basic breakup lesson. I have no intention of speaking to him after today..ever. I'm hoping after the 30 days of counseling, I'll be strong enough to just not to even have a care in the world for him. I sent this last text without any hope for a response. In fact, I knew I was going to get no response. It was so I could say to myself that I don't have any further excuse to say I needed to contact him. Whether he comes to get the furniture or not is his problem. I'm sure he isn't going to surface to get anything from here. I know after today I will not contact him and I know I won't be hearing from him. It all came to an end today. Edited March 11, 2016 by ksol9
CarrieT Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Hate to say "I told you so," but this Simon is right. This is why we heartily suggest you never contact someone after a break-up. And as for his FB page? Block it. Also block his telephone number on your phone. It will make it all a bit easier for you if there is not the temptation to see what he's up to...
Author ksol9 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Hate to say "I told you so," but this Simon is right. This is why we heartily suggest you never contact someone after a break-up. And as for his FB page? Block it. Also block his telephone number on your phone. It will make it all a bit easier for you if there is not the temptation to see what he's up to... You are right. All the contact did was hold me back from healing. I am exactly where I was 3 weeks ago. I am starting over now. No contact and healing starts from today.
Densel Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Are you saying that the Facebook post is talking about you? If yes, how do you know?
Author ksol9 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 (edited) Are you saying that the Facebook post is talking about you? If yes, how do you know? No I don't think the Facebook post was in reference to me. I think he was implying that he is seeing or talking to other women. He deleted it after posting a little while later. I could be wrong, but he knows I'm looking at his page because of what happened last week. I clicked the like button on a post that he made referencing our breakup. He received the notification and then He immediately sent me a text after I liked it and he said, "I posted that s*** on purpose because I know you're looking!" He later deleted that one also. It's unusual for him to post things like that. In fact, he doesn't post at all. Even before meeting me. It's out of character for him to post something like that. It is my impression that he posted it just to get a reaction out of me as he did the last time he posted a status. I could just be reading in to things too much. This man doesn't care about me. He doesn't want me in his life. I have to stop going into his page. Edited March 11, 2016 by ksol9
bathtub-row Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I had an ex apologize to me -- and many, many years later, I still remember that. It was somewhat healing for me and maybe for him too. What a lot of people don't realize is that whenever someone makes the decision to end a relationship, they often have a good reason for it and they are often hurt too. Like most people, they walk into a relationship with hopes and dreams. And the disappointment and pain of losing those dreams affects both parties. I say it would be a good thing to apologize. Just be sure you don't do it with the hopes that you'll get him back. 1
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 No I don't think the Facebook post was in reference to me. I think he was implying that he is seeing or talking to other women. . No, I believe he was talking to you "you show these women some attention and then they want to act like princess Diana!" It was I guess in response to "I sent another text on Tuesday telling him that I wanted to rebuild our relationship and that I still love and care for him." He "responded" to your apology and you then acted like Princess Diana with your "love and care". 1
bathtub-row Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I just read your other posts about contacting him. Look, I wouldn't have done it that way and not while you were in the mindset you were in but, still, you said it and now it's done. I think you beat yourself up too much. I'm glad you're smart enough to have learned what you needed to learn in this situation. Now, move on and do better. That's all you can do. Please don't paint yourself as some horrible person. You're not. You screwed up. That's all. If you can't learn to forgive yourself and shake things off, you'll make yourself miserable all your life. And, btw, my opinion of him has significantly dropped because of the way he acted after you contacted him, and by that stupid comment he put on Facebook. I'm not sure this was such a big loss. Just my .02.
Author ksol9 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 No, I believe he was talking to you "you show these women some attention and then they want to act like princess Diana!" It was I guess in response to "I sent another text on Tuesday telling him that I wanted to rebuild our relationship and that I still love and care for him." He "responded" to your apology and you then acted like Princess Diana with your "love and care". Hmm...I didn't think of it like that. Maybe you are right, but either way, if he is posting on his Facebook to get a kick out my reactions, it still shows he is not a very nice person and he is playing with my emotions. That is the main reason why I sent the text about getting the furniture. I wanted him to know that I realized reconciliation is not even on the table and that I just wanted him to get his things so that I don't have any further reasons to contact him. That will be the end of communication from both sides. I will never hear from him again and he will never hear from me again. I won't let my emotions get the best of me. No matter how hard, I can't and won't contact him again.
Author ksol9 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 When you think about it, I send what appeared to be a sincere apology, which it was on my behalf, but then I send another text asking for reconciliation. That probably doesn't look good on my behalf. It looked as though I was only apologizing to get him back and in a sense I was. I was hoping he would see that I recognize my wrongs and that we could work this out. In these 3 weeks, I don't think I really even gave myself time to really soak everything in. I had anxiety for days waiting for a response I never got. It was some sort of contact every other week. Just drama and stress I was causing myself. I'm so afraid to give myself time. What am I so afraid of if I already lost him? Now is the time I really have to take responsibility for all the wrong I did in the relationship. Now that there will be complete silence on both sides indefinitely, I can truly reflect without the heightened emotions.
Author ksol9 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 I was ok all day today. Somehow managed to stay busy. Right now though, is a different story. I can feel the anxiety creeping up. I'm fighting tears. When is this going to stop?? I've come to terms with the fact that there will be no contact between him and I indefinitely. I don't expect to hear anything from him about the furniture or anything else. Why am I still thinking about him? He is no longer my business. Counseling is going ok. She is helping me to see that this relationship is not what I want in a man. He doesn't have qualities I would want. Why would I, or anyone for that matter, want a man who posts things on Facebook just to hurt my feelings after he broke up with me? Why would I want a man who ignored my concerns? Why would I want a man who didn't practice patience and understanding with me? What about all the things a healthy relationship should consist of like unconditional love, trust, loyalty, patience, and compromise. For the most part I had those things for him, but he didn't have that for me. I deserve that and if he didn't appreciate me for being the person I was, nagging included, then he doesn't deserve a woman like me. I over worry and over think things. I can be negative at times, but why didn't he help me to see those things were destroying our relationship and our sex life. Sexual intimacy is so important between two people in a relationship. Once that deteriorated, I should have known things were going to end soon after. If I hadn't probed him about what was going on, I would still be there at this moment. He realized I was starting to see the relationship was a bad deal for me and it really was when I look at with an open mind. I was being treated fairly even if I put myself in that position. He didn't meet me halfway. I miss him and the children so much, but I don't see they will ever be apart of my life ever again. It's like I let go of that hope when I sent him the message about the furniture. He wants nothing to do with me, so it doesn't make sense for me to hang around waiting for him to come through for me. It will never happen. This is not happiness. I am so unhappy. Life is what you make it and I'm better off trying to build a good life for myself. Maybe that will bring me some sort of happiness. I'm not interested in nightlife and dating. I just want to work on being a better person. I want my relationship back. I miss him dearly, but he doesn't love me and he doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't force him. I've got to go. These past few weeks, I've given him the impression that I was chasing him and that I was waiting patiently for him to come back. Eventually, he will realize that I am no longer contacting him. He will continue on with his life and I will continue on with mine. I can't stay in this mindset anymore. I have to try to be in better spirits about my future. If not, I will be unhappy. Life is too short to be wasting it in sadness. I don't need anymore speed bumps. I'm just hoping this will easier each day that passes.
Author ksol9 Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 I wake up everyday with this black cloud hovering over me. I can't escape it. After I sent the apology. The response was the last I ever hear from him. I'm struggling to hold on to reality. This is really happening. He is gone for good and he doesn't want anything to do with me. I vowed to myself that I would not contact him after sending the text about picking up his furniture. He never responded and it doesn't matter to me if he comes to pick it up or not. So strange how someone could be such an important person in your life and then all of a sudden they are gone. I don't understand him. How could he do something like that to me? It goes to show that I didn't mean much to him. Not as much as he meant to me anyway. I've left before but I couldn't go this long without speaking to him. All of my attempts to talk to him were met with silence. He left me out in the cold. The more time that goes by, I realize that this is what he really wants. Just because he sent a message saying he was thinking of me doesn't mean he is undecided or wanted reconciliation. He's sure about his decision. He just had to let me go because he felt it was what's best. Those words still haunt me. He told me the day I moved out that he thought this was for the best. It wasn't for the best then and it's still not for the best. I know he has no intention of ever speaking to me again. I have no choice but to give up. I don't have urged to contact him. There is nothing that I need to contact him for. I have no choice but to let him go. I'm just so sad. 1
Author ksol9 Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 Received a text message from his daughter a little while ago. She was asking to reset all the passwords to her social network accounts. Before the breakup, she had gotten into some trouble. As punishment he took away her phone and ipod. She noted he did not pay their phone bills. I'm assuming the cost of living has gone up now that I am not there to share the financial responsibility, so he gave her back her ipod. It can only be used when connected to a wifi network. When he took away all her media devices, he asked me to change all the passwords. I have everything written down on a piece of paper, but I have no idea where it is due to the move. I responded by asking her how she was doing and I told her that I would try to reset it, but if not, she would have to ask her dad to do it. That alone brought back a flood of emotions. When I get home, I will look for the paper with all her passwords. If I don't find it, I'm not going to respond. They will figure it all out. It's too difficult for me to be involved with any of that right now, plus I don't want him to get the impression that I am trying to be in contact with the children to get to him. I don't want that to even go through his mind, so its best I leave it alone. I'm sure they'll figure it out and that will be that.
sandylee1 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 That's part of the reason why you were advised not to send it in the first place. You expected it to serve as a tool to get you back in the door. It obviously didn't -- because it rarely does in your situation -- and now you've been knocked back. Don't stay No Contact for 30 days. Stay No Contact until you are indifferent, until you can talk to your ex without having ulterior motives or agendas. When you get to that point, you probably won't even want to talk to them at all. But yeah, unfortunately you learned a basic breakup lesson. I agree with this ^^^^^ You wanted any excuse to speak to him. You ignored the advice.... well sometimes you need to see it for yourself. The guy used you as a fill in mom for his kids.
Author ksol9 Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 I agree with this ^^^^^ You wanted any excuse to speak to him. You ignored the advice.... well sometimes you need to see it for yourself. The guy used you as a fill in mom for his kids. I didn't want to listen and I had to get learn the hard way. What I am doing now is what I should have done since the breakup 3 weeks ago. I will remain in no contact. I can not make him feel something he doesn't feel and I can't make him change his mind. I've realized there is no use in me beating myself up and putting myself through further pain. This is already like torture. I'm in agony and there is nothing I can do about it other than face front and try to emerge a better person. I will not be contacting him and this is what he wants. I won't be hearing from him. I just hope this feeling subsides soon. I still get up in the middle of the night in tears. He is the first thought of my day and the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep. As much as I've tried, I can't get rid of him in my mind. In the 3 weeks since our breakup, I have gained some perspective and I am thinking logically about what is happening. I can't do anything to change it. All I can do is rebuild my life and start over. I don't have a choice.
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 All I can do is rebuild my life and start over. I don't have a choice. Exactly. Just remember you were miserable in the relationship. Silent treatment, no sex, using you as a housekeeper and nanny for his children, no firm commitment to having children with you, you were feeling very insecure in the relationship. It wasn't working was it? YOU need a man who isn't preoccupied with his ready made family, someone around your own age who is looking to settle down and have kids with YOU.
Author ksol9 Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Exactly. Just remember you were miserable in the relationship. Silent treatment, no sex, using you as a housekeeper and nanny for his children, no firm commitment to having children with you, you were feeling very insecure in the relationship. It wasn't working was it? YOU need a man who isn't preoccupied with his ready made family, someone around your own age who is looking to settle down and have kids with YOU. You are correct. I need to stop dwelling on what happened. It's over. Neither one of us is turning back, so what sense does it make for me to keep putting myself through this. It's been a month for pete's sake! I need to get myself together and get on with my life. He is living his and I'm sitting here crying over him everyday. He doesn't deserve those tears. He never cared about me. He showed me that when he walked away and never spoke to me again. The unanswered texts, the Facebook posts...this is someone who didn't care. I deserve better. No matter how much I nagged, I was on to something. My intuition kept telling me something wasn't right. In a way, I see that this has to happen in order for everything to stop. It was going to continue if he hadn't ended things. I feel really sad that he just ignores me without a care, but this is what he wants and I have to respect that. I have to get on with my life. I feel foolish that I've been going on and on about this for a month now. It's over and it's a broken record. I'm feeling like I need to try a different approach. I need to stop talking about it. Keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. It will subside on its own. I'm tired of being a weak, crying baby over a man who doesn't care if I'm dead or alive.
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