Should I apologize?

[ksol9]

I posted my story before, but for those of you that don't know, my bf broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I move out the same day. Basically we have been in NC since the break up and I have just been trying to pick up the pieces. The first week was extremely hard. This has been one of the most challenging times in my life. I mean that with all honesty. I have been using this time to self reflect.

 

I found that I had a lot to do with the break up. It wasn't that either of cheated. He just didn't know how to handle my doubts, fears, and insecurities anymore. I guess I could it was a self fulfilled prophecy. I feel I sabatoged my relationship. This whole time I was thinking he was manipulating me. I thought he had taken advantage of me because he has custody of his 2 children and I almost immediately turned into their step mother. Cleaning, cooking, raising 2 children that were not my own. I put myself in that position. No one is to be blamed for that other than me. After doing a lot of thinking, I realized that I went into this relationship doubting him. I automatically had a negative mindset about him. Maybe it was my last relationship, maybe this is the person I've always been. I did not realize this was a problem within myself until I lost him. It took this breakup for me to learn and grow.

 

I always thought he was wrong and I was right. He would often tell me that I am making him feel bad inside. I didn't realize how me pulling away when he'd try to hug or kiss me or making slide comments were effecting him. I didn't realize it was causing him to withdraw. The more he withdrew, the more it caused more confusion in my mind. All those doubts and negative thoughts I had about were being reinforced by the way he was reacting to my treatment. He was trying to tell me this for a long while. We had a few problems throughout the relationship and he would always tell me we will work on this together. I just thought he didn't want to acknowledge his wrongdoing and that he was just blaming me. This continued until 2 weeks ago, he couldn't take it anymore and he felt things would never change. It took me losing him, for me to realize what I was doing to him and the relationship.

 

Im not fully responsible, but I do think I had a lot to do with our problems. I wish I could take it back. We haven't spoken and he was last very upset with me. He said we need to break up and this was for the best. At this point, I've realized how badly I treated him and I feel that I owe him an apology. I don't know if he will allow me to right my wrongs, but I do feel it is important for me to apologize. I'm afraid that 2 weeks is not enough to dry out that anger and resentment he had for me. Should I apologize?

Edited March 3, 2016 by ksol9

[Simon Phoenix]

No, leave it alone.

[CarrieT]

Nope.

 

 

 

 

 

Ten characters.

[66Charger]

Yes.

 

When you do someone wrong, and you know you did, do the decent thing, look them in the eye and apologize. This is not the same as groveling to get them back.

 

A heartfelt apology should never be a question.

 

Why is that so hard?

[ksol9]

While my instincts told me something wasn't right from the beginning, I'm not psychic nor should I judge him based on his past. I believe my negative mindset resulted in actions and behavior that created a serious problem throughout the relationship. He began to react to the way I was behaving and I interperated it as he didn't truly care about me. I could have been right, but I could have been wrong. That is so wrong of me to do things like this. I didn't even really take a good look at myself. I rob myself of happiness like this. I don't enjoy life because I overthink and worry constantly. I'm always looking for things to prove I'm right about him. This is so wrong on my behalf. I do feel I will apologize. It's the right thing to do.

 

I spent the last 2 weeks telling myself that he broke up with me, he is the one who should apologize to me. I felt betrayed and neglected. Now I don't see that. I see I left him no choice. He's not perfect, in fact, he's got plenty of issues, but I'm not perfect either. I was able to find the source of a lot of my problems as a result of this breakup. When I think back on my life, my prior relationships, my upbringing, I truly believe this is something I need to change about myself. It has negatively impacted my life and I will continue to fail in relationships if I don't change it now. I wish I could have my bf back. I wish I could have an opportunity to right my wrongs but I do believe it is too late. He even began to question if he would any children with me. I don't blame him. Why would he? He found plenty of reasons why he wouldn't. If you are in a toxic relationship with someone who doesn't take action to fix issues within themselves, then I can't expect change in him. We weren't going to get anywhere. He didn't see a future for us for all of those reasons. I understand that fully now. I feel like a terrible person.

[privategal]

No. He made mistakes too.

You cooked, cleaned and looked after HIS kids.

Who cares if you made mistakes...you both did.

Your trying to bargain and take blame is not the solution.

Learning about your "short comings" is good as it helps you grow and be healthy.

But you dont take blame.

You were not right for eachother its not a good fit. Stay NC and continue working on you and do not tell him your progress or that you are sorry.

[elaine567]

You're trying to bargain and taking the blame is not the solution.

 

Look up the stages of grief -> Bargaining

 

Bargaining stage

[Zahara]

NO.

 

You're sitting there dwelling on the break-up. With that you'll start to manufacture everything that happened in the past and start bargaining with yourself. Deep down inside you're trying to find ways to mend and reconnect. Its your junkie mind going through withdrawals.

 

This isn't the time to be apologizing for anything, especially when everything is still raw and painful. Especially when your head and heart is clouded and there truly is no defining what was actually right or wrong. Your only priority now is to accept the ending, work through your pain and getting to the other side. Apologies can wait for when introspection into your relationship is coming from a level of clarity not when you're just trying to find ways to break NC.

 

This is you bargaining.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Zahara

[ksol9]

No. He made mistakes too.

You cooked, cleaned and looked after HIS kids.

Who cares if you made mistakes...you both did.

Your trying to bargain and take blame is not the solution.

Learning about your "short comings" is good as it helps you grow and be healthy.

But you dont take blame.

You were not right for eachother its not a good fit. Stay NC and continue working on you and do not tell him your progress or that you are sorry.

 

This is why I haven't done so yet. I do feel he had a part in this. I also feel that he made the decision to break up because he felt it was the only option. He hasn't said a word to me in 2 weeks. I'm assuming he doesn't need to hear anything further. It's done in his mind and he just wants to move on.

[ksol9]

NO.

 

You're sitting there dwelling on the break-up. With that you'll start to manufacture everything that happened in the past and start bargaining with yourself. Deep down inside you're trying to find ways to mend and reconnect. Its your junkie mind going through withdrawals.

 

This isn't the time to be apologizing for anything, especially when everything is still raw and painful. Especially when your head and heart is clouded and there truly is no defining what was actually right or wrong. Your only priority now is to accept the ending, work through your pain and getting to the other side. Apologies can wait for when introspection into your relationship is coming from a level of clarity not when you're just trying to find ways to break NC.

 

This is you bargaining.

 

Hi zahara,

 

Do you really thing I'm not thinking clearly? That makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I have been thinking more and more about my behavior rather than what others have done to me and I do feel that there is a pattern in my relationships and in my behavior. Maybe an apology is not appropriate, but is my thinking about my wrongdoings just coming from my clouded judgement?

[Zahara]

Hi zahara,

 

Do you really thing I'm not thinking clearly? That makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I have been thinking more and more about my behavior rather than what others have done to me and I do feel that there is a pattern in my relationships and in my behavior. Maybe an apology is not appropriate, but is my thinking about my wrongdoings just coming from my clouded judgement?

 

Yes, you're not thinking clearly. Absolutely. It's ONLY been two weeks into your ending.

 

Introspecting into your behavior is healthy but sitting there and finding ways to apologize so that you can break NC is not what you should be focusing on. It's normal to go through the past and comb through everything that happened, your behavior, his behavior, things that were said, etc. but it doesn't justify reaching out to apologize. Not at this stage. It's normal to blame yourself and wonder if you maybe did XYZ instead of ABC things would be different. Process through all those feelings and thoughts on your own, benefit from your self-awareness and use whatever lessons you've learned for your future. This has nothing to do with him anymore.

[HopeForTomorrow]

This:

 

No. He made mistakes too.

You cooked, cleaned and looked after HIS kids.

Who cares if you made mistakes...you both did.

Your trying to bargain and take blame is not the solution.

Learning about your "short comings" is good as it helps you grow and be healthy.

But you dont take blame.

You were not right for eachother its not a good fit. Stay NC and continue working on you and do not tell him your progress or that you are sorry.

 

... and this:

 

Look up the stages of grief -> Bargaining

 

Bargaining stage

 

It's never just one person (unless there is cheating involved), but you are heaping this all on yourself.

 

Yes, you can apologize for things you wish you had done differently if it makes you feel better, although IME it doesn't do any good and won't change anything. Only thing left to do is move on.

[ksol9]

Yes, you're not thinking clearly. Absolutely. It's ONLY been two weeks into your ending.

 

Introspecting into your behavior is healthy but sitting there and finding ways to apologize so that you can break NC is not what you should be focusing on. It's normal to go through the past and comb through everything that happened, your behavior, his behavior, things that were said, etc. but it doesn't justify reaching out to apologize. Not at this stage. It's normal to blame yourself and wonder if you maybe did XYZ instead of ABC things would be different. Process through all those feelings and thoughts on your own, benefit from your self-awareness and use whatever lessons you've learned for your future. This has nothing to do with him anymore.

 

If I'm really honest with myself and everyone else. I do think I had a lot to do with the demise of my relationship whether it was inevitable or not. I feel deep down inside, just like all the other times, if I admit my wrongs and take full blame, it is a way to break no contact and reconcile. I'm playing with fire. I think deep down inside, I know by taking full blame, it will give me a chance at patching things up. I need to let go. If he wanted to be with me, regardless of our issues, if he valued me, he'd look for me. I'm not hard to find. I don't want to live by this same cycle anymore. If him and I keep making the same mistakes, we will always be stagnant. Time for change. It's sad that it took me losing him to realize. While I do think an apology is warrented, now is not the time. I'll keep all that you've said in mind.

 

Thank you.

Edited March 3, 2016 by ksol9

[ksol9]

This:

 

 

 

... and this:

 

 

 

It's never just one person (unless there is cheating involved), but you are heaping this all on yourself.

 

Yes, you can apologize for things you wish you had done differently if it makes you feel better, although IME it doesn't do any good and won't change anything. Only thing left to do is move on.

 

 

There was no cheating involved. However, I do think it was mostly me. He just chose not to entertain me. I do see now that I am reflecting, I was so foolish. He tried to tell me. He tried to talk but he reached his limit because no matter what he said, I doubted him and it probably would have continued. I had to learn this independent of him. I see it all clear as day now. My bad habits are ingrained in me. I've done this exact thing in my past relationships. He is not perfect. He has his flaws, but I think is more a matter of self respect for him. He would rather be alone than be with someone who treated him unfairly. I don't blame him. I didn't want to accept responsibility for my actions. I was only out to blame him. It was just soo foolish. I screwed up royally. I'm sure to an extent I may be bargaining with myself, but I feel very certain about all of this. It just all makes sense now. I understand all the things he would say to me. It never made sense at the time.

[Zahara]

There was no cheating involved. However, I do think it was mostly me. He just chose not to entertain me. I do see now that I am reflecting, I was so foolish. He tried to tell me. He tried to talk but he reached his limit because no matter what he said, I doubted him and it probably would have continued. I had to learn this independent of him. I see it all clear as day now. My bad habits are ingrained in me. I've done this exact thing in my past relationships. He is not perfect. He has his flaws, but I think is more a matter of self respect for him. He would rather be alone than be with someone who treated him unfairly. I don't blame him. I didn't want to accept responsibility for my actions. I was only out to blame him. It was just soo foolish. I screwed up royally. I'm sure to an extent I may be bargaining with myself, but I feel very certain about all of this. It just all makes sense now. I understand all the things he would say to me. It never made sense at the time.

 

It doesn't help you to shoulder the demise of the relationship when there were two people involved. He brought and created dysfunction in the relationship as well.

 

You mentioned in past posts that:

-the sex life was not so great.

-you felt undesirable, unloved, unwanted, and used.

-you felt convenient to him.

-he was withholding sex.

-you felt he could be cheating.

-he was a very passive aggressive person (read up on this trait)

-he was a cold person

-he was bad at communication

 

We often blame ourselves when a relationship ends. There's all this self-doubt swirling inside your head and we instinctively beat ourselves up. We start to focus on all our shortcomings, and even magnifying them to some degree because we feel so unworthy after being rejected. You plant those seeds and before you know it you're sitting there drowning in self-blame.

 

He has a responsibility for the demise of this relationship as well BUT there is no I did more, he did less, I was this and he was that. The end result, no matter who did less or who did more, it was never going to work because you both were on very different pages.

 

As time goes by, your perception of things will change. Your introspections will evolve and you will see this relationship, your behavior and his differently. As I said before, you aren't seeing with clarity. Your lense is skewed with pain, guilt, hurt and confusion. But that will change as you move forward into your healing and moving on. If anything, work on those habits that you mentioned are ingrained in you and use that to grow. This is a stepping stone for you to become better.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Zahara

[HopeForTomorrow]

What Zahara said above is so true.

 

You can't shoulder all the blame, because it's not all yours to shoulder. You can't go back in time. No one is perfect, so what you CAN do is give yourself some time for clarity and to see all sides of the relationship. Then, you can take some Lessons Learned into your future relationships, because there is always something to learn and take away and make better the next time around.

 

Messing up. It's what makes a person. It's how we learn, where we find joy. And the things you don't plan for are things you never see coming.

 

The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.

[Tayla]

When the emotions are cleared away and you have genuinely improved from your past actions... then apologize. Own your side .

 

He is protecting himself as well. So let the no contact be.

 

Heal yourself and know that you are worthwhile.

 

Bless you for being good to his family. I'm sure you meant well.

[Densel]

I admire you for your courage to apologise and admit your mistakes

 

Apologising doesn't meant you are shouldering all responsibility. You are being honest about yourself and not in denial. Taking responsibility for your own actions is one step of maturing and growing up(to improve as a person).

 

But u must do it when both of you have calm down.

[sandylee1]

No. Just leave it and maintain NC. In the nicest possible way.....Stop looking for excuses to break NC.

 

You were convenient for him... move on for your own good.

[ksol9]

I sent the apology on Saturday. He responded saying, I've been thinking about you a lot. Haven't heard from him since. I feel better that I apologized. I still want to be with him, but I don't know where things are going at this point. I'm just giving everything space and time.

[HopeForTomorrow]

I sent the apology on Saturday. He responded saying, I've been thinking about you a lot. Haven't heard from him since. I feel better that I apologized. I still want to be with him, but I don't know where things are going at this point. I'm just giving everything space and time.

 

I am glad you feel better. I am also glad that he seems to have accepted your apology graciously and honestly - not all men are capable of that.

 

I agree that now is the time to wait. You apologized because you knew it was the right thing. Now is the time to see if he will continue to bring up past issues or if he sincerely accepted your apology and is ready to move on (either with or without you). If he just pays the apology lip service or - God forbid - ends up throwing it back in your face sometime in the future, it's time to go. Because it will never work if TWO people aren't willing. You can't do it alone, and you can't do it with someone who refuses to let go of the past.

 

Also, as you mentioned, he was not perfect either so give him (and yourself) some time to understand and accept that. If that doesn't happen he will just end up shifting all the blame for everything in the future on you, and you can't live like that.

 

Even if it doesn't work out the way you want, and even if he doesn't have what it takes to truly accept your apology, you can walk with your head held high knowing that at least YOU did the right thing. There is huge value in that.

 

I truly wish you well.

[ksol9]

I am glad you feel better. I am also glad that he seems to have accepted your apology graciously and honestly - not all men are capable of that.

 

I agree that now is the time to wait. You apologized because you knew it was the right thing. Now is the time to see if he will continue to bring up past issues or if he sincerely accepted your apology and is ready to move on (either with or without you). If he just pays the apology lip service or - God forbid - ends up throwing it back in your face sometime in the future, it's time to go. Because it will never work if TWO people aren't willing. You can't do it alone, and you can't do it with someone who refuses to let go of the past.

 

Also, as you mentioned, he was not perfect either so give him (and yourself) some time to understand and accept that. If that doesn't happen he will just end up shifting all the blame for everything in the future on you, and you can't live like that.

 

Even if it doesn't work out the way you want, and even if he doesn't have what it takes to truly accept your apology, you can walk with your head held high knowing that at least YOU did the right thing. There is huge value in that.

 

I truly wish you well.

 

Thank you for your kinds words. I greatly appreciate it.

[Zahara]

I sent the apology on Saturday. He responded saying, I've been thinking about you a lot. Haven't heard from him since. I feel better that I apologized. I still want to be with him, but I don't know where things are going at this point. I'm just giving everything space and time.

 

It doesn't change the fact that both of you value and desire different things in life. You want marriage, family, kids and that doesn't coincide with what he wants. Focus on your life goals. Don't allow temporary pain to drive you away from the bigger picture.

 

You poked. He responded. I can't tell you enough to shut the door and move on. But you'll have to do this your way and come to terms with it in your own time, even if it's the hard way.

 

I hope everything works out for you. Stay strong and prioritize yourself. Good luck and all the best to you.

[Lois_Griffin]

You mentioned in past posts that:

-the sex life was not so great.

-you felt undesirable, unloved, unwanted, and used.

-you felt convenient to him.

-he was withholding sex.

-you felt he could be cheating.

-he was a very passive aggressive person (read up on this trait)

-he was a cold person

-he was bad at communication

Gee...all that good stuff AND you got to be the housemaid, cook, laundress and nanny while Mr. Lazy Ass sat back and let you do it all?

 

Leaving was the best thing you could have ever done for yourself.

[ksol9]

Over the weekend I sent the apology text. He responded saying he has been thinking of me a lot. I immediately saw this as a sign of hope. Boy was I wrong. I set myself for a whirlwind of emotions since that day.

 

I waited a couple days before responding. I sent another text on Tuesday telling him that I wanted to rebuild our relationship and that I still love and care for him. Biggest mistake. He never responded. I don't know why I didn't see this man doesn't want anything to do with me. What in my little unstable brain made me misinterpret his text? I'm such a fool. Yesterday, I sign back on Facebook and I see he posted a status saying, "you show these women some attention and then they want to act like princess Diana!" He later deleted it. He knows I'm watching and I took it as he is seeing other women. This kept me up all night in thought.

 

I thought to myself, this has to stop! I am not eating, not sleeping, and I'm just wasting away! It has been 3 weeks! This has to come to a stop! SO, he still has furniture sitting in my parents house. I wake up this morning and I send him a text stating he needed to come pick up his furniture. I told him to let me know a time and day and I would make sure my mom would be home. This way I wouldn't have to contact him again. I knew fully well I wouldn't receive a response. I sent it as a reminder to myself that I no longer have any other excuses to contact this man for. I have to move on with my life! You can bet your bottom dollar he will not respond and he will not show his face around my family to retrieve his furniture. I've decided to leave things as they are. He doesn't want to hear from me nor does he want to speak to me. I feel as though he is just playing with my emotions. He is living his life as usual and I am here just suffering.

 

I realized that I am causing myself unnecessary stress by contacting him and then waiting in anxiety for him to respond days later...response that will never come. So this time, my message was to let him know that I realized him and I are not going to reconcile. I need to stop this foolishness of looking at his facebook. I've even contacted a therapist to start counseling. I think it will be good for me to try for at least 30 days while I try to move on. I will not be contacting him after today and I'm confident when I say I will not hear from him again. This is the end of the story for him and I. This is very hard for me. I'm sad much of my days, but I'm trying and I hope all these emotions will pass soon.

Edited March 10, 2016 by ksol9