She left me for another guy but still wants to be friends?

[arnold1984]

And then after we haven't talked for a couple months sends me a happy birthday email? What gives?

[266696687]

And then after we haven't talked for a couple months sends me a happy birthday email? What gives?

 

She's using you to alleviate her guilt. If you're friends with her then in her mind she hasn't done anything wrong by cheating on you or leaving you for another man.

 

By accepting her friendship it is essentially saying you are okay with what she did and are friends. That means she doesn't have to feel guilty about how she behaved. It's acceptance of her behaviour. Forgiveness in her mind and she can continue to keep you as an option in the background should she need it.

 

You should go complete NC.

 

Do not reply to her.

 

Her reaching out is just her checking you are still okay with what she did. By replying you are confirming to her that all is good and she can carry on with this guy guilt free.

[TaraMaiden2]

She's fishing.

Throwing breadcrumbs.

Ignore the bait.

 

If you respond, she will think "oh, well, that's ok then - he's over it, and is agreeable to being friends. That means I need not feel any guilt or responsibility for having unceremoniously dumped him, and gone straight on to current SO. Guess I'm off the hook then. Phew. That was close. "

 

She's just alleviating her guilt. Your responding would be to make her feel better.

Wishing you a happy birthday was the perfect opportunity to test the waters...

 

Do not respond.

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh well, there you go.

Two posts saying pretty much - well almost identically, actually - the same thing.

 

I think that's a wrap.

[arnold1984]

Thanks guys. Too bad, I already responded saying thanks but not much else.

 

Important detail I forgot to mention. She doesn't know that I know there was another guy. She thinks I don't know at all. Does this change anything?

[kgcolonel]

work on yourself but if she pushes it, just ask her how her BF is doing....and leave it at that.

[266696687]

Thanks guys. Too bad, I already responded saying thanks but not much else.

 

Important detail I forgot to mention. She doesn't know that I know there was another guy. She thinks I don't know at all. Does this change anything?

 

No. She might be fishing to see if you found out. Her reasons really don't matter they are self serving and of no benefit to you. Whether she is dropping breadcrumbs or whether she is checking in to alleviate her own guilt it really doesn't matter. She isn't knocking on your door asking for you back and owning up to what she has done. What she is doing is completely selfish and doesn't benefit you in anyway. She's just extending your suffering.

 

I know it's hard but you should consider blocking her. Cut her out of your life completely. She doesn't deserve even the option of one of her texts or emails reaching you.

 

She's unworthy of a response. She's been deceitful, dishonest and is still pretending to be your friend? She isn't your friend. You don't owe her a response. She definitely doesn't deserve a thank you.

[mightycpa]

So is this like give you a blowjob every once in a while type of friend, or confide in you about how great her boyfriend is friend?

 

Do either of those options appeal to you? If not, then just block her all the way around.

[Redhead14]

Thanks guys. Too bad, I already responded saying thanks but not much else.

 

Important detail I forgot to mention. She doesn't know that I know there was another guy. She thinks I don't know at all. Does this change anything?

 

Oh, hell yeah! Assuming the two had an agreement about exclusivity, she was cheating on you. She doesn't understand or respect boundaries. Exclusivity is about commitment at an early point at least. If she can't do this now, what would happen when/if engagement or marriage happened. She doesn't deserve your friendship. It's not working out as well as she thought it would with the new guy and so going back to the trough. Block her immediately. For every rat you see, there are 50 more behind it or waiting . . . rats will re-visit a food source when other sources have dried up, just to be sure . . .

[Zahara]

She left her boyfriend for you. Then left you. You found out that she left you for another guy. She's also been in two relationships at the same time. All kinds of dysfunction.

 

Why are you still open to her contact? Shut it down already.

 

NC. Block. Unless you still harbor some type of hope that you both may get back together again?

[Chi townD]

I really can't add to this, everyone is spot on. You know what you need to do.

[K2z]

Nothing, of any kind, ever again, in the way of contact or interaction. Flush her.

[arnold1984]

Haha thanks for all the advice guys.

 

To be clear, we haven't talked in months. This was a pretty short email exchange. Pretty much just happy birthday and thanks.

 

I wasn't planning on talking to her. Just seemed weird that she would even think to do such a thing after months of not hearing from me.

[TaraMaiden2]

I guarantee, now you've replied, she won't leave it so long now before getting in touch again.

She will think you've casually and voluntarily dropped into "The Friend-Zone" and will think it's ok to resume a connection.

 

Please - you broke no contact once - don't do it again, ok?

 

Block, delete, deny.

[arnold1984]

Wait how did I break NC?

[Zahara]

Wait how did I break NC?

 

You responded to her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Wait how did I break NC?

 

As Zahara said: You responded.

 

She reached out.

She would have been clutching thin air ineffectively, and done nothing to disturb the continuum - if you hadn't made contact with her in reply.

 

She didn't break 'No Contact'. If you had not responded, her attempt would have been futile, and nothing would have happened.

 

You replied and in that way, re-established contact.

ergo: YOU initiated Contact.

She didn't.

All she did was throw you a line.

But you took the bait.

[arnold1984]

Plenty of people have told me that NC doesn't mean you can't be polite in the way of a thank you. I basically did the minimum possible to not be rude.

[TaraMaiden2]

It depends.

If she tries to establish contact by wishing you a happy birthday then it's fishing, and absolutely ok to ignore it.

 

If it's "I'm on my way to your house and I intend crashing my car through your front door" that might require a modicum of attention.

Don't respond, juts get out of the line of fire.

 

If she turns up at your desk telling you "I made the biggest mistake of my life dumping you, I bitterly regret it, and wish we could build bridges to start again - "

 

THAT - might merit a response.

 

People don't get it.

NC is about self-protection, self-preservation and healing.

And the dumped person deserves that.

It was inconsiderate of her to dangle a pointless carrot.

It's not rude to ignore the poke attempt.

 

The correct point of NC etiquette is to not acknowledge it.

[Zahara]

Plenty of people have told me that NC doesn't mean you can't be polite in the way of a thank you. I basically did the minimum possible to not be rude.

 

Oh please. She was cheating on you. Left you for someone else.

 

There's nothing rude about placing boundaries on people that aren't deserving of civility.

 

And if it just meant politeness on your part, then there was no need to analyse her contact. You would have just gone about your day. But the fact that you're still affected by it, questioning intent, all the more reason to stay NC. Self-preservation. Politeness? Not at the expense of your mental wellbeing.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Zahara