kattykat583 Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 ok so i have this problem.... I was with my ex for a little over a year and we have a 4 month old little boy. 3 months after the baby was born, my ex said he needed space, so he moved out. Me being the needy person that i am called him every day, eventually forcing him to just break up with me. Still i called him every day. Im a waitress and my income is very unstable, and he says i need to get a stable job and prove to him that i can be more responsible. I have also been going through a divorce and have been since we've met. He says that bothers him also, even though i have no contact with my ex husband and haven't in over 2 years. We planned on getting married someday, and now he just left. He hasn't come to see the baby and it has been 3 weeks. I know that calling him every day and stopping to see him isn't really giving him space, but it is so painful to be without him. Not to mention caring for our child on my own. What should i do? Should i just give up on him or keep hoping that maybe he might come home someday. He says that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he just cant right now. I know there is not someone else, and i know that he is not even looking. He treated me like a queen the whole time we were together, but he says that when he tried to talk to me about our problems i just ignored him, and he got sick of trying when i wasn't putting anything into the relationship... im so confused about what to do, and im afraid that i have already pushed him away... please help!
lindya Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 This guy is a selfish s***. He walked out of your life 3 months after you had a baby, announcing that "he needed space." If he didn't want family life, he should have either worn a condom or checked that you were using birth control. I'm not surprised you were calling him to find out what on earth was going on. Needy? For Goodness sake - you've just had a baby. Of course you need the father to act responsibly. You say that he's treated you like a queen in the past. From your post, it seems that you can't see that he's at fault in any way. Yet he hasn't seen his own baby for several weeks. Charming You need to make an appointment with a lawyer. I know you're going to be hurting right now, but you somehow have to force yourself to deal with the practicalities of this situation now that you have a baby to look after. On waitress wages, you simply cannot afford to wait too long to sort out the issue of maintenance. Get that matter sorted out ASAP. Don't procrastinate in the hope that this guy will waltz back in and want to play happy families again.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 It sounds like he was concerned that if he stayed with you, you would leave your job/quit/get fired and he would be supporting you and the baby with little help from you. He may have wanted you to get a better job to increase your income, or get a job that would have longevity - so that the financial and workload stuff would be more evenly distributed between the two of you. The divorce part may be bothering him because he is beginning to see that you may not be a strong enough person to stand on you own: you went straight from one relationship to the other and are very needy - even outside of having a baby. It sounds pretty bad, but it may well be what he is thinking. From his point of view: He may not want to be with someone who is so needy, and would become an obligation. Its likely that he genuinely wants a partner who is more on equal standing and provides stability and security to the relationship and doesn't become a burden to it. In short, the baby is here - the divorce is nearly final, and you are needy and don't have a stable or well-providing income. He's likely terrified of being in a situation where he spends the rest of his life drowning financially and emotionally to support you and this kid. I'm not saying that you are like a cinderblock chained to his ankle or implying that I think you are needy - but it would help to try to see where he may be coming from, and this may be a fear in the back of his mind that is motivating his behavior. You won't get close to solving this until you can begin to see this from more than one angle: and that means considering angles that are painful to look at and consider. That means you need to say what you need to, but you need to listen to him as well - even if you don't want to hear what he has to say. He may have had some valid points he was trying to get across, but if you weren't listening - he may well have just gotten frustrated with where this was going and left. However... Getting a job like he would like for you to get is all well and good, but he's going to have to be more supportive of you right now in terms of the baby. Of course you are needy in that aspect: you are taking care of a baby by yourself, and going through a divorce - and I'm not sure how he expects you not to be needy. You need help - physically, emotionally! He'll need to help you with daycare options or babysitting so you can get your ducks in a row. Do you have a solid education and work history in order to get the type of job that he would like for you to get? If not, would you consider going back to school to work toward a better job future for yourself? Would he be willing to help you get to where you need to be, or is he more intent on forcing you to struggle there on your own? If he is seeing that you are struggling to make it on your own, and he wants to see you get there - he's going to have to at least offer up some help. Now - lets say he is just an a**h*** and a coward and took the low road to get out of having to face up to responsibility: if its too late and he's gone and isn't coming back he has a responsibility to this child - meaning, he has to pay child support. You'll need to go talk to social services in your area about taking the necessary steps toward getting that taken care of.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by kattykat583 I know there is not someone else, and i know that he is not even looking. Do you really know this? Lindya is right. For the sake of yourself and your baby, you need to focus on your financial life and security before you even begin to worry about salvaging something that is most likely unsalvagable.
Marshbear Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by lindya This guy is a selfish s***. He walked out of your life 3 months after you had a baby, announcing that "he needed space." If he didn't want family life, he should have either worn a condom or checked that you were using birth control. I'm not surprised you were calling him to find out what on earth was going on. Needy? For Goodness sake - you've just had a baby. Of course you need the father to act responsibly. You say that he's treated you like a queen in the past. From your post, it seems that you can't see that he's at fault in any way. Yet he hasn't seen his own baby for several weeks. Charming You need to make an appointment with a lawyer. I know you're going to be hurting right now, but you somehow have to force yourself to deal with the practicalities of this situation now that you have a baby to look after. On waitress wages, you simply cannot afford to wait too long to sort out the issue of maintenance. Get that matter sorted out ASAP. Don't procrastinate in the hope that this guy will waltz back in and want to play happy families again. I agree!!! Seek the advice of a lawyer. He's a heel and he needs to take care of HIS baby. Don't let him skate. He's the one who isn't acting responsible.
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