Saracena Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I have to echo what another poster suggested here about you seeming to be self sabotaging your chances with this guy over and over again. First, I don't understand why you questioned him on wanting to have sex. Clearly based on your following mindset, it didn't matter what he said because you were going to be skeptical either way. You basically said "whatever, you can say that now, we'll see if things change after we have sex". Which begs the question- what was your goal asking him in the first place? You were unsure about the dynamic of the relationship and his interest level before sex and worried it would change after sex. He gave you the perfect answer and said he wasn't just interested in sex with you and didn't care if you did it or not because he like you for other reasons. You have a negative perception that no one can convince otherwise. The red flags you listed are bogus. You judge people's online activity as meaning they don't like you or have interest in you. Meanwhile you're on the dating site too and if he's looking at your profile, he can think you're looking for other guys as well. So stop checking this when you begin seeing someone. It's useless. All of your other red flags focus on this guy contacting you. He's contacting you!!' That's not a red flag!! You are replying with one word answers and very close ended replies which make it impossible for him to continue a texting conversation with you. For example. When he asked you out on another date "hey, wanna bet together this weekend?"... You replied "sure". Jeez. Show some emotion. Show some interest. You could've said "yea that'd be fun. What'd you have in mind?" Or "sure, I'm free Saturday if you want, just lemme know what you wanna do?" Guaranteed he would have given you specifics . . The voice of reason and sense! OP From now on just go with the flow and enjoy the date! Concentrate on having a good time. Honestly, all that agonizing must be truly exhausting!! You're essentially creating your own anxieties here....time to relax now and let things evolve, naturally. Good luck!
Sara1989 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 He didn't set a time and place, and that was two hours ago. I'm really feeling angry right now Well he did say he get back to you as he was busy but he asked you out, I am pretty sure he get back with a time. Also the fact he asked you out Saturday is a good thing, lot people are free on Saturday nights so he is choosing to spend that weekend with you! see. Guess what waiting longer for sex makes no difference, I firmly believe that.
joseb Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Except that's Matt Berry... From IT crowd... Sorry I was thinking Matt Berry but typed Lucas for some reason!
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Hey there, happy Friday. No news. Do you still think I should text him? Mmm. Some will say I'm negative and blah blah, but my guess is he run out of choices for Saturday so decided to keep me hooked just in case his other option is unavailable. He can always fade out, bc there's no place and time set yet. I think he'll find someone else for tomorrow and he'll just not contact me again. This is called lack of options, not that a guy is into me. But ok, we'll see.
Mikau Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Why are you so dead set on believing the absolute worst in guys? How long would he or any guy have to show you he's into you before you actually believe them? Yes, you might be just an option for him. However that is only one of about a million explanations for why he hasn't set a date/time yet, and probably the most negative one too. As you can see in this thread, nobody but you thinks it's all too strange. Just. Relax.
AMJ Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I think a few people have suggested you need to stop overanalyzing. And that you should carry some weight in terms of planning dates. If you were making plans to meet up with one of your friends tomorrow, what would you do? You'd likely send a text, finalizing the plans? Or wait around and obsess about whether or not your friend actually wants to see you.... 1
Zahara Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I don't trust anyone now. And I have walls built up. I'm doing the best I can to overcome all this. But yes, I'm scared of guys. If you want to date you're going to have to take risks. And if you're afraid and walking on eggshells, you'll likely self-sabotage and it seems like you're well on your way. Make a move. What's the worse that can happen? He ignores you. You move on. He responds, you meet and you decide from there. 3
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Ok. When should I send him s text? Tomorrow morning? Gezz this is terrible for me. Suffering right now
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Ok. When should I send him s text? Tomorrow morning? Gezz this is terrible for me. Suffering right now With respect hun.... why do you date? Dating is supposed to be fun!! Not filled with so much angst and anxiety.....that doesn't sound fun at all....it's sounds awful. And why so down on yourself? Assuming the worst? Try and think positive....he asked you out again...this is a GOOD THING. Why would he blow you off? What reason would he have? Text him now. Just say "hey, just saying hi...looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! What time were you thinking? I will be out and about all day, so just checkin." 3
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 With respect hun.... why do you date? Dating is supposed to be fun!! Not filled with so much angst and anxiety.....that doesn't sound fun at all....it's sounds awful. And why so down on yourself? Assuming the worst? Try and think positive....he asked you out again...this is a GOOD THING. Why would he blow you off? What reason would he have? Text him now. Just say "hey, just saying hi...looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! What time were you thinking? I will be out and about all day, so just checkin." Just thinking about sending a text (your example is very cute btw, that's what I'd recommend to other people as well) makes my heart beat faster. I can't. Ugh. I just can't. I'll let this go, because I'm just paralyzed. Maybe some day I'll find a guy who is clearly into me and has no communication issues ugh. Two with communication issues is a disaster (him and I I mean)
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Just thinking about sending a text (your example is very cute btw, that's what I'd recommend to other people as well) makes my heart beat faster. I can't. Ugh. I just can't. I'll let this go, because I'm just paralyzed. Maybe some day I'll find a guy who is clearly into me and has no communication issues ugh. Two with communication issues is a disaster (him and I I mean) Do it. YOU are not in the middle of a war zone fighting for your life, it is just a text. 1
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) Just thinking about sending a text (your example is very cute btw, that's what I'd recommend to other people as well) makes my heart beat faster. I can't. Ugh. I just can't. I'll let this go, because I'm just paralyzed. Maybe some day I'll find a guy who is clearly into me and has no communication issues ugh. Two with communication issues is a disaster (him and I I mean) I know what's going to happen... you are gonna write him off (in your head) convinced he's not into you, just like you did earlier in the week before he asked you out again.... Then you will get a text tomorrow confirming time and place and you'll be back to being all excited again....go on the date and once again have a great time! Guaranty that is what will happen! Edited March 4, 2016 by katiegrl 1
AMJ Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I know what's going to happen... you are gonna write him off (in your head) convinced he's not into you, just like you were doing earlier in the week before he asked you out again.... Then you will get a text tomorrow confirming time and place and you'll be back to being all excited again....go on the date and once again have a great time! This, OR he's waiting for her to follow up because she keeps blowing him off and he isn't sure if she wants to see him again. So if she doesn't text him, she may not hear from him, not because he doesn't want to see her, but because he thinks she doesn't want to see him. Just talk to each other!
joseb Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Just thinking about sending a text (your example is very cute btw, that's what I'd recommend to other people as well) makes my heart beat faster. I can't. Ugh. I just can't. I'll let this go, because I'm just paralyzed. Maybe some day I'll find a guy who is clearly into me and has no communication issues ugh. Two with communication issues is a disaster (him and I I mean) Let it go if you like. But it won't solve anything. Katie is right, dating is supposed to be fun. You shouldn't be stressing and imagining worst case scenarios. If you want to clarify the time, then send him a text and do it. He isn't a mind reader. He probably has no idea that you are fretting about anything. So what's the worst that will happen if you text him? 1
thecrucible Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Hey OP, I just wanted to say that I totally empathise with you and your situation. I understand how you feel because I too have been burnt by guys and it can be really hard to trust let alone take a risk in a dating situation. I'm fairly sure I've missed out on men in the past because of wrongly assuming they weren't into me and being afraid to reach out. So I think you should do what the others have suggested and text him. Think of it this way - it's not a crime to text him so what's the worst that can happen? The worst would be that he didn't reply and you are strong and can cope with that. I think the fact that it's texting and there is some distance between you plus the online dating factor only heightens your sense of anxiety. I get that too. I recommend that you think positively and try to enjoy yourself as much as possible when you are spending time with him. It'll soon become clear whether you are meant to be, and if not then enjoying each others' company does no harm.
Jabron1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 All right, I've not replied on this thread for a while. I saw that everyone was looking to adopt a positive mindset, and I hoped for the best - even though my instinct has been telling me from their first date that OP needs to go back on the dating site and find someone else. I was available for him, respectful the whole time, I gave him hints I like him and I let him to lead the whole dating process. And you had sex with him within a reasonable time. That should be enough. I've been saying from the outset that this guy is low-skilled and low-interest. So, I'll focus on these two points. Low-skilled OP has been struggling to get over a relationship with a player. She needs an experienced guy that knows what he's doing with women, how to lead, and how to manage a woman's emotions. He's not a dominant man, and she's not a dominant woman. It clearly isn't working. I've had a girl spill insecurities about sex before. I didn't get involved in a discussion. I kissed her, picked her up, and led her into the bedroom. I showed with my actions that I care about her. Most guys would do this. This guy sat there and got lectured to like a schoolboy, because he's letting her lead. He's letting an insecure woman lead him around, because he thinks it'll get him laid. She has been leading from the beginning. She is the one who opened him online. She's the one that's been recommending dates to him. OP needs to go back on the dating site, and find a man who initiates. One that has the confidence to overcome and shrug-off her insecurities. This should be easy. From what I hear, women get lots of men messaging them online. Low Interest For arguments sake, let's imagine that this guy is sincere. Even then, encouraging the OP to initiate with this guy is only going to add to the problem. The last thing she needs is a guy that's easily scared off. As she keeps saying, two insecure people isn't going to work for her. But I don't think he's being sincere. You don't make a date request on Thursday only to leave it open until the last minute. It's disrespectful at best. I made a date for tomorrow with a girl on Tuesday. Date request - logistics - sorted. No messing about. That's because I'm prioritizing her above any of my other options. If this guy contacts you tomorrow, my advice is to ignore it. Never be someone's back-up plan, and don't accept last minute dates (unless you're okay with a booty call). And whatever you do, don't text to confirm with him. That's is his job, and you will come across as needy. Go back on the dating site and this time don't initiate or give any indication that you're looking 'for fun'. This will attract idiots. Make the guy work for it more this time, and you'll attract the sort of guy you need naturally - rather than you or the guy being forced into being something that you're both not. 2
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 All right, I've not replied on this thread for a while. I saw that everyone was looking to adopt a positive mindset, and I hoped for the best - even though my instinct has been telling me from their first date that OP needs to go back on the dating site and find someone else. And you had sex with him within a reasonable time. That should be enough. I've been saying from the outset that this guy is low-skilled and low-interest. So, I'll focus on these two points. Low-skilled OP has been struggling to get over a relationship with a player. She needs an experienced guy that knows what he's doing with women, how to lead, and how to manage a woman's emotions. He's not a dominant man, and she's not a dominant woman. It clearly isn't working. I've had a girl spill insecurities about sex before. I didn't get involved in a discussion. I kissed her, picked her up, and led her into the bedroom. I showed with my actions that I care about her. Most guys would do this. This guy sat there and got lectured to like a schoolboy, because he's letting her lead. He's letting an insecure woman lead him around, because he thinks it'll get him laid. She has been leading from the beginning. She is the one who opened him online. She's the one that's been recommending dates to him. OP needs to go back on the dating site, and find a man who initiates. One that has the confidence to overcome and shrug-off her insecurities. This should be easy. From what I hear, women get lots of men messaging them online. Low Interest For arguments sake, let's imagine that this guy is sincere. Even then, encouraging the OP to initiate with this guy is only going to add to the problem. The last thing she needs is a guy that's easily scared off. As she keeps saying, two insecure people isn't going to work for her. But I don't think he's being sincere. You don't make a date request on Thursday only to leave it open until the last minute. It's disrespectful at best. I made a date for tomorrow with a girl on Tuesday. Date request - logistics - sorted. No messing about. That's because I'm prioritizing her above any of my other options. If this guy contacts you tomorrow, my advice is to ignore it. Never be someone's back-up plan, and don't accept last minute dates (unless you're okay with a booty call). And whatever you do, don't text to confirm with him. That's is his job, and you will come across as needy. Go back on the dating site and this time don't initiate or give any indication that you're looking 'for fun'. This will attract idiots. Make the guy work for it more this time, and you'll attract the sort of guy you need naturally - rather than you or the guy being forced into being something that you're both not. THIS, jabron, is what I didn't want to hear in a million years but I knew was the truth in the back of my heart. THIS. I do think is disrespectful to confirm last minute. And to ignore my last text (I send him a good luck clover bc he had an important interview today). Ignored. This guy is active in three different dating sites. And I assure you, he is really handsome. He is just waiting for a better option right now and he'll ignore me if it presents. He'll probably confirm tomorrow morning, when no one else is available. And I'll ignore. Oh yes. No, I won't ignore, I'll text him I'm busy, bc he didn't confirm properly and I made other plans. I'll let this one go if I don't hear from him today. I already have set three other dates for next week. Not very excited about any of those men, but whatever. I almost got carried out by all your enthusiasm you guys, but I think Habron is right.
Jabron1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 THIS, jabron, is what I didn't want to hear in a million years but I knew was the truth in the back of my heart. THIS. I do think is disrespectful to confirm last minute. And to ignore my last text (I send him a good luck clover bc he had an important interview today). Ignored. This guy is active in three different dating sites. And I assure you, he is really handsome. He is just waiting for a better option right now and he'll ignore me if it presents. He'll probably confirm tomorrow morning, when no one else is available. And I'll ignore. Oh yes. No, I won't ignore, I'll text him I'm busy, bc he didn't confirm properly and I made other plans. I'll let this one go if I don't hear from him today. I already have set three other dates for next week. Not very excited about any of those men, but whatever. I almost got carried out by all your enthusiasm you guys, but I think Habron is right. I didn't reply to the thread for awhile, because I was hoping he'd text you for logistics or confirmation. I'm telling you that this guy is considering his options, and that he isn't prioritizing you like he should. I'm surprised that I'm the only one that is seeing this 1
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Guys, he's online on okcupid and match right now :/
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I have skipped a couple of pages I apologize if I am missing something important. My question is: Is this the guy you reached to 'have fun' then changed your mind? If yes then what do you expect from him? He's online to have fun, he got fun, end of story. No? I have a question for you: Why do you make it so difficult for yourself? I don't think you want a relationship because the roads you take, the men you pick, aren't at all relationship material from the get go.
AMJ Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I didn't reply to the thread for awhile, because I was hoping he'd text you for logistics or confirmation. I'm telling you that this guy is considering his options, and that he isn't prioritizing you like he should. I'm surprised that I'm the only one that is seeing this I think you may be over-analyzing this too. Your analysis was interesting, and not as paranoia-induced as OP...but seriously? Do we really think her dude is thinking about any of this on that level? Not all guys are bigtime game players. There are lots of guys who are clueless and unintentional about certain things. 1
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 He just can't let me hanging for more than 24 hours with no plan really locked down. It's disrespectful. At this moment, I only think I'll block him, just to not have to experience this situation with him again.
qq2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 He just can't let me hanging for more than 24 hours with no plan really locked down. It's disrespectful. At this moment, I only think I'll block him, just to not have to experience this situation with him again. Yes he is looking for better options. If not he will contact tomorrow. He will also come back when he has no other options a few months later
Jabron1 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I think you may be over-analyzing this too. Your analysis was interesting, and not as paranoia-induced as OP...but seriously? Do we really think her dude is thinking about any of this on that level? Nah, he's a dumbarse. But, he is up to no good. Not all guys are bigtime game players I'm not a 'bigtime player' I'm a good guy. If you don't believe me, you can ask my grandmother. She thinks I'm the best. There are lots of guys who are clueless and unintentional about certain things. I don't trust it... 1
katiegrl Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) Guys, he's online on okcupid and match right now :/ Gotta admit...that would definitely bug me! If you've decided he's not for you, send him a text cancelling and then stick to that decision. Edited March 5, 2016 by katiegrl
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