Is he not interested after sex?

March 2, 2016

I think that this is an example of the wrong guy being in the right place at the right time. Normally I don't like using the term 'getting lucky', but this guy really did just get lucky.

His level of skill is low, and his level of interest is low. I can only imagine that you really want to be with someone right now, and so you wanted to give this guy every chance. It does seem like you are trying to force the situation. The problem is that the man has to lead, and I think the time has come to accept that this just isn't the guy.

You have to cut your losses. I know it's hard sometimes, but you need to walk away. Stop investing in someone who isn't right for you.

Hi Jabron!! Yes, I agree with the other poster here, you ARE the man

Well, I really do not want to force things. I guess for that reason I let open the fourth date thing. I thought, well if he's interested, he would set a time and day.

That did not happen and I didn't want to force things, especially after the first sex date. He showed me he's not that interested and I won't pursue.

I'll let this one go.

For all the other posters who suggested me to propose a fourth date, my answer is NO. not gonna happen. I've suffered rejection before and know how it feels. How about I propose a date and he says he's busy. I'll feel like crap. Definitely a no no

March 2, 2016

As for the sex. Discussing what it means beforehand would turn anyone off.

QFT. No wonder he couldn't cum. I wouldn't either!

March 2, 2016

First off what are your expectation? Relationship? Casual? casual and see how things go? FWB?

I think you need to change your perspective, and not focus on looking for sex, but actually spend time getting to know someone with eyes wide open. If the guy doesn't initiate the behavior, and communicate like someone who truly is respectful, and treats you the way you want to be treated, walk away. Hoping for it to evolve into something you are looking for is a waste of time.

So if you find yourself unsure and having to come here for some answers, then that right there IS your answer....and it not a positive one.

Thank you! I was thinking the exact same thing. If I had to come here for advice, I already have my answer. ugh

March 2, 2016

I'm also in the "reach out" camp. I don't always understand why you consider certain things to be red flags. First time sex can be awkward, messy and unsatisfying, even without putting a lot of expectation on it. His not being able to cum doesn't have anything to do with his sexual attraction to you—if he had no sexual attraction to you, he wouldn't have even tried.

You seem to want/need a lot of reassurance, but what about him? Men are not all "storm the castle" types. A lot of them need reassurance as well, which means you need to be clear and direct. If you want to see him again, SAY SO. Tell him when you're free, tell him you'd like to see him again. Hints don't work. Evasiveness doesn't work. Sincerity and clarity work.

And as far as chasing? C'mon, really? Y'all already had sex, there is little chase left.

Speak up. Even if he isn't interested, you'll survive.

March 2, 2016

QFT. No wonder he couldn't cum. I wouldn't either!

that discussion we had had to do mostly with my fears and insecurities. I was honest and told him I suffered in the past, however, I was eager to try. When having sex, I showed I was passionate about it. I even said to him I liked his face when making love to me. Guys, this is not about me giving mised signals. this guys KNOWS I'm into him.

March 2, 2016

I've suffered rejection before and know how it feels. How about I propose a date and he says he's busy. I'll feel like crap. Definitely a no no

I've been rejected well over a hundred times. Guess what, I'm still alive. It gets easier as you get more experienced.

March 2, 2016

that discussion we had had to do mostly with my fears and insecurities. I was honest and told him I suffered in the past, however, I was eager to try. When having sex, I showed I was passionate about it. I even said to him I liked his face when making love to me. Guys, this is not about me giving mised signals. this guys KNOWS I'm into him.

But you're not following through.

If you're not up to taking chances, maybe take a break for a while. Didn't you say not long ago you were going to do just that?

I initiated the second date with my now husband. Why? Because I WANTED him.

March 2, 2016

For all the other posters who suggested me to propose a fourth date, my answer is NO. not gonna happen. I've suffered rejection before and know how it feels. How about I propose a date and he says he's busy. I'll feel like crap. Definitely a no no

With all due respect, this is a mindset I think you need to work to get over. 99% of dating is rejection. We are all working to find one person, that means ALL the other people we come in contact with will eventually end in "no."

Do you know how many times I have reached out to a guy I've gone out with a few times, only to be rejected, either directly or indirectly? Many times. Yeah, it stings the first few times, but after you do it enough, it starts to not really matter all that much. You're able to say, "oh well, I tried." That mindset brings an incredible amount of freedom, because you know at the end of the day, that rejection is not a reflection of YOU. You will survive; we all somehow survive.

March 2, 2016

I've been rejected well over a hundred times. Guess what, I'm still alive. It gets easier as you get more experienced.

I guess it has to do with me chasing a guy and setting the ground for rejection. It's not my job to chase him.

think about this from his perspective: he did not reach out again. He knows where to find me, yet he chose not to. We're both active on online dating, yet none of us visits each other's profile. I already rejected him three times before when he wanted to have sex with me, yet, he kept insisting and reaching out. This guy is not confused, he's just not that into me

March 2, 2016

I guess it has to do with me chasing a guy and setting the ground for rejection. It's not my job to chase him.

think about this from his perspective: he did not reach out again. He knows where to find me, yet he chose not to. We're both active on online dating, yet none of us visits each other's profile. I already rejected him three times before when he wanted to have sex with me, yet, he keep insisting. This guy is not confused, he's just not that into me

He stopped reaching out because you've been evasive and non-responsive. Action, meet equal and opposite reaction—this is simple physics. He reaches out to you, you're indirect or silent. What's he supposed to do, keep trying? Everyone has their limit.

You don't have to see him again, obviously, but at least see how your own actions, or lack thereof, have contributed to where you find yourself.

March 2, 2016

I don't see any red flags - certainly not at date three.

If I were a guy and going by what you say you said to him and your reactions to him after I would be thinking you just wanted sex and were possibly disappointed with it. I'd think you weren't interested so I certainly wouldn't make much effort in chasing.

I'd leave it be and move on to the next woman.

March 2, 2016

at least see how your own actions, or lack thereof, have contributed to where you find yourself.

I agreed with you up to this point.

March 2, 2016

I've been rejected well over a hundred times. Guess what, I'm still alive. It gets easier as you get more experienced.

The pang of rejection is proportionate to the investment.

I'm battle scarred - I've been rejected hundreds of times too. I've heard 'I have a boyfriend' so many times through approaching that I have several 'go to' lines for the occasion. This kind of rejection means nothing, and I can shrug it off.

But a rejection after you've connected to someone is always a blow. That never gets much easier IMO.

I think that the OP is concerned about investing in someone. And in this situation she's right to be cautious. I think she's just being sensible here.

Her getting needy at this point would be a disaster.

March 2, 2016

This would be his recap of where you two stand:

So I've been out with this girl three times. I thought things were going pretty well, we're both attracted to each other, and get along well..and then on our last date, things heated up and we had sex. Right before we had sex though, she starts talking about how this is going to change everything, and am I okay with that...she seemed nervous about it. So I told her that I really liked her and liked spending time with her, whether or not we have sex. She says "Sure, you can say whatever now, but you won't have any sense of what's going to happen after we have sex."

I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not, but we ended up having sex anyways. I was really nervous and couldn't finish, and the whole thing was just awkward. But hey, first times can be awkward right?

So I text her the very next morning and ask if she wants to see me again, she says "Sure." I'm thinking, yeah she's done with it. Bad sex and she's not into me. But I text her later that day and say "the more he was thinking about me, the more he liked me, and that we're both in similar situations." She responds saying she wants me to kiss her, I send her a happy face, and then she goes silent.

I don't hear from her for a few days. I sent her another stupid smiley face text just to see if she'd respond at all, but nothing. What did I do wrong??

March 2, 2016

Right. Reaching out at this point will show neediness. Been there. done that before, and learned my lesson. It never worked out when I initiated before.

I can sense a lack of investment and a lack of interest on his part, whatever the reasons are. Not my job to figure that out. I was available for him, respectful the whole time, I gave him hints I like him and I let him to lead the whole dating process.

At the end, if I start having doubts and our communication sucks, or if we are two insecure people who are scared of rejection, that is a red flag indeed.

I'd clearly initiate a fourth date IF (and only if) there was no sex involved in a third date. After first time sex, it's the guy's job to set a new date, NOT MY JOB.

I'll keep you posted but my guess is this story ends right this minute.

March 2, 2016

H

For all the other posters who suggested me to propose a fourth date, my answer is NO. not gonna happen. I've suffered rejection before and know how it feels. How about I propose a date and he says he's busy. I'll feel like crap. Definitely a no no

oh, no, I certainly wasn't suggesting you propose a date but reach out to have a friendly chat to still let him know you are thinking of him. Let him make the date. Another reason he may not have asked you out on a date YET is finances. Dates are expensive.

March 2, 2016

This would be his recap of where you two stand:

So I've been out with this girl three times. I thought things were going pretty well, we're both attracted to each other, and get along well..and then on our last date, things heated up and we had sex. Right before we had sex though, she starts talking about how this is going to change everything, and am I okay with that...she seemed nervous about it. So I told her that I really liked her and liked spending time with her, whether or not we have sex. She says "Sure, you can say whatever now, but you won't have any sense of what's going to happen after we have sex."

I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not, but we ended up having sex anyways. I was really nervous and couldn't finish, and the whole thing was just awkward. But hey, first times can be awkward right?

So I text her the very next morning and ask if she wants to see me again, she says "Sure." I'm thinking, yeah she's done with it. Bad sex and she's not into me. But I text her later that day and say "the more he was thinking about me, the more he liked me, and that we're both in similar situations." She responds saying she wants me to kiss her, I send her a happy face, and then she goes silent.

I don't hear from her for a few days. I sent her another stupid smiley face text just to see if she'd respond at all, but nothing. What did I do wrong??

and you're asking what did you do wrong? Why don't you just ask her if she's still interested? Why don't you just reach out again? Why don't you just propose a fourth date? Why don't you, instead of sending stupid smiley faces, send a proper message??? UH? WHY???

March 2, 2016

oh, no, I certainly wasn't suggesting you propose a date but reach out to have a friendly chat to still let him know you are thinking of him. Let him make the date. Another reason he may not have asked you out on a date YET is finances. Dates are expensive.

No finances issues here. Me sending a text saying I'm thinking about him would be absolutely out of context as I ignored his silly smiley face on Monday.

Stillafool, this guy is probably busy dating others at this time. It's a characteristic of mine that I like hot guys with solid careers and finantially secure. this guy is a catch, and probably out of my league. another reason I'm not reaching out.

March 2, 2016

I gave him hints I like him.

Some men need a two by four up side the head. Just sayin'.

March 2, 2016

He stopped reaching out because you've been evasive and non-responsive. Action, meet equal and opposite reaction—this is simple physics. He reaches out to you, you're indirect or silent. What's he supposed to do, keep trying? Everyone has their limit.

You don't have to see him again, obviously, but at least see how your own actions, or lack thereof, have contributed to where you find yourself.

OP this really is true in your case. Don't let your past experiences dictate your future. There's a huge difference between being needy and just expressing your interest in a guy. It's like you can't see the middle ground between those two extremes.

From his point of view, you blew him off really. The fact he contacted you the morning after super awkward sex is a good sign for you. Many many guys would steer clear of that situation for as long as possible.

It sounds like you're self-sabotaging to avoid getting hurt again.

March 2, 2016

Right. Reaching out at this point will show neediness. Been there. done that before, and learned my lesson. It never worked out when I initiated before.
I can sense a lack of investment and a lack of interest on his part, whatever the reasons are. Not my job to figure that out. I was available for him, respectful the whole time, I gave him hints I like him and I let him to lead the whole dating process.
At the end, if I start having doubts and our communication sucks, or if we are two insecure people who are scared of rejection, that is a red flag indeed.

I'd clearly initiate a fourth date IF (and only if) there was no sex involved in a third date. After first time sex, it's the guy's job to set a new date, NOT MY JOB.

I'll keep you posted but my guess is this story ends right this minute.

BG, you probably don't want to hear from me but what I think you should do is follow your gut.

We weren't there.... you were, If it doesn't feel right to you, them move on.

If more people would follow their gut and move on when things don't feel right....we'd have a lot less broken hearts.

And you're right.... and this has actually been said before too.

If things don't feel right to the point you are forced to seek advice on a message board, where people not only don't know you, but don't really know the full situation..... then it's probably not right and you should move on.

March 2, 2016

I'd really appreciate the comments from expatinitially, bc1980, Zara, stillafool, Satu, Jabron...Of course, all comments are super welcomed from everyone else too!!

Had sex with this guy on the third date. This was a decision I made based on the fact I needed to after more than one year of no sex. I have no regrets on this aspect.

However, previous to have sex, I asked him if that's what he wanted and if he knew things will change after that. He didn't seem to understand at first, then he said that he liked me and he liked to spend time with me, regardless of sex. OK. I said: sure, you can say whatever now, won't have any sense after sex.

Sex was messy. None of us could have an orgasm. Nervousness, whatever. Or he probably wasn't sexually attracted to me in the first place. (First red flag).

After sex I said goodbye and left.

He contacted me the next morning proposing to see each other again during the week or next weekend. I replied sure. He didn't follow up (second red flag)

However, he contacted me later that afternoon and said the more he was thinking about me, the more he liked me, and that we're both in similar situations. I told him yes, bla, bla. At the end of the conversation I told him I like to be kissed again by him. He sent me a smiley face (third red flag)

He contacted me yet again on Monday. Just a smiley face. I read the message but did not reply. The fact he's online all day long in several dating sites really annoys me (fourth red flag)

No contact after that. After I ignored his smiley face, he didn't send me anymore texts (two days had passed) (fifth red flag)

I'd appreciate your thoughts guys. Maybe I'm just blind to all these red flags, or maybe I'm just too sensitive. Let me know! Thanks!

Its clear to me that you're overthinking this situation a little too much. Why not just live in the moment and see where it takes you, rather than look for red flags that may only be in your head?

March 2, 2016

It's a characteristic of mine that I like hot guys with solid careers and finantially secure. this guy is a catch, and probably out of my league. another reason I'm not reaching out.

Ah, it's making sense now. If you believe in leagues, stay within your own.

You're setting yourself up for rejection.

Or, get help figuring out why you don't consider yourself worthy.

March 2, 2016

...this guy is a catch, and probably out of my league.

He may be a 'catch,' but he still sucks in the sack.

March 2, 2016

He may be a 'catch,' but he still sucks in the sack.

LOL I thought the same thing! Not much of a catch if he's not blowing your mind in the bedroom..lol.

That said, I think it's unfair when women expect guys to be completely responsible for good sex. I feel bad when men blame themselves for bad sex. It takes two. Good chemistry has always equaled good sex, at least for me. Whatever reservations or concerns you have about the person or the relationship always end up affecting the sex.

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Is he not interested after sex?

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