brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I'd really appreciate the comments from expatinitially, bc1980, Zara, stillafool, Satu, Jabron...Of course, all comments are super welcomed from everyone else too!! Had sex with this guy on the third date. This was a decision I made based on the fact I needed to after more than one year of no sex. I have no regrets on this aspect. However, previous to have sex, I asked him if that's what he wanted and if he knew things will change after that. He didn't seem to understand at first, then he said that he liked me and he liked to spend time with me, regardless of sex. OK. I said: sure, you can say whatever now, won't have any sense after sex. Sex was messy. None of us could have an orgasm. Nervousness, whatever. Or he probably wasn't sexually attracted to me in the first place. (First red flag). After sex I said goodbye and left. He contacted me the next morning proposing to see each other again during the week or next weekend. I replied sure. He didn't follow up (second red flag) However, he contacted me later that afternoon and said the more he was thinking about me, the more he liked me, and that we're both in similar situations. I told him yes, bla, bla. At the end of the conversation I told him I like to be kissed again by him. He sent me a smiley face (third red flag) He contacted me yet again on Monday. Just a smiley face. I read the message but did not reply. The fact he's online all day long in several dating sites really annoys me (fourth red flag) No contact after that. After I ignored his smiley face, he didn't send me anymore texts (two days had passed) (fifth red flag) I'd appreciate your thoughts guys. Maybe I'm just blind to all these red flags, or maybe I'm just too sensitive. Let me know! Thanks!
Toodaloo Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 First two are flags second two are paranoia. Don't worry about the awkward bit. Sometimes its like that. Personally I should just cut contact and move on. You have done nothing wrong but clearly its not working in that department, communication department etc... Just chalk it up to experience 2
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 First two are flags second two are paranoia. Don't worry about the awkward bit. Sometimes its like that. Personally I should just cut contact and move on. You have done nothing wrong but clearly its not working in that department, communication department etc... Just chalk it up to experience Alright, Toodaloo. You mean you should cut contact because his communication skills sucks? Or because he is not working on the other department? Just to be clear, he could not achieve orgasm but overall had good skills an stamina
clia Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I'd really appreciate the comments from expatinitially, bc1980, Zara, stillafool, Satu, Jabron...Of course, all comments are super welcomed from everyone else too!! Had sex with this guy on the third date. This was a decision I made based on the fact I needed to after more than one year of no sex. I have no regrets on this aspect. However, previous to have sex, I asked him if that's what he wanted and if he knew things will change after that. He didn't seem to understand at first, then he said that he liked me and he liked to spend time with me, regardless of sex. OK. I said: sure, you can say whatever now, won't have any sense after sex. I think it's weird you actually had this conversation with him. No wonder he was confused. Sex was messy. None of us could have an orgasm. Nervousness, whatever. Or he probably wasn't sexually attracted to me in the first place. (First red flag). I don't really see this as a red flag. Sex is often awkward with a new person. He contacted me the next morning proposing to see each other again during the week or next weekend. I replied sure. He didn't follow up (second red flag) It's great that he contacted you the next day. He was asking when you were available and you didn't tell him. You just said "sure." Why? You should've said "Sure, how about Friday night?" You left him hanging. However, he contacted me later that afternoon and said the more he was thinking about me, the more he liked me, and that we're both in similar situations. I told him yes, bla, bla. At the end of the conversation I told him I like to be kissed again by him. He sent me a smiley face (third red flag) Why is this a red flag? He likes you! He is still waiting for you to tell him when you want to see him. He contacted me yet again on Monday. Just a smiley face. I read the message but did not reply. The fact he's online all day long in several dating sites really annoys me (fourth red flag) You aren't exclusive. He can browse dating sites all he wants. No contact after that. After I ignored his smiley face, he didn't send me anymore texts (two days had passed) (fifth red flag) You didn't respond to him. You didn't reach out to him. You never told him when you wanted to see him. Why are you playing games? My guess is he thinks you aren't interested. You sure don't seem interested. He's given up. Reach out and tell him when you are available to see him this weekend. 12
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Well, if this isn't self sabotaging, I don't know what is! 10
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 clia, I was expecting him to chase me a little. It doesn't feel good when I don't know where I'm standing of. Since I'm insecure about him, plus the fact he couldn't cum, plus he did not show interest on setting a day and time to see me, all this combo mad me feel uneasy. Regarding his last smiley face, I thought he could honestly do better. I'm not replying to non sense. If he wants to see me again, he needs to work a little. Otherwise it sets the ground for me to chase him and I'd never do that. The fact I'm asking what you guys think is a bad precedent. A guy who's into me should not let me hanging.ugh
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 Well, if this isn't self sabotaging, I don't know what is! Explain more please.
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 For starters, let go of the 'couldn't cum' thing. It happens, a lot. You'd do yourself a favor to read up on it. If you made a big deal of it, it's not a wonder you're not getting the communication you want, even if your expectations right now are outrageous. And they are.
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Explain more please. Clia dissected it quite nicely. You made red flags where there are none. Right now he's thinking you're not interested. 4
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 For starters, let go of the 'couldn't cum' thing. It happens, a lot. You'd do yourself a favor to read up on it. If you made a big deal of it, it's not a wonder you're not getting the communication you want, even if your expectations right now are outrageous. And they are. I honestly thought he could not cum because he was not sexually attracted to me. That's all. I'm not making a big deal about it. of course I'd have loved if he showed me he was attracted to me, but oh well, s.hit happens. When he proposed to see each other either this week or next weekend I showed my happiness and told him I'd love to. That I was hoping to continue to know him. He did not propose a time, he did not follow up on that.
AMJ Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I think you have a lot of anxiety about the whole situation, which is causing him to be really nervous also. It's kind of like, holding an ice cream cone in front of a child, saying "There are going to be serious consequences for you if you eat this ice cream cone. Your day might get better, but it also might get worse." The child thinks, well I know I love ice cream, so at least I'll enjoy eating it. But eating the ice cream cone is now a little bit- or a lot- stressful, since he doesn't know what's about to happen immediately after. We all want reassurances in life, and in dating especially. I'd like some certainty that my dates are going to be wonderful and fun. I'd like to know that the next guy I have sex with is going to be an amazing partner too. But it seems like you were trying to take the risk out of the situation by having this half-assed conversation, in which he didn't get much of a say-so. I think he likes you, but the way you're going about this whole relationship is throwing him for a loop. 1
Shining One Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I was expecting him to chase me a little. It doesn't feel good when I don't know where I'm standing of.Who has done the "chasing" for the previous three dates? If he's done all the work so far, it's unfair to expect him to keep doing it without some effort on your part.plus he did not show interest on setting a day and time to see meHe did show interest. You were vague in your response and it probably threw him off. Instead of saying "Sure", you should have suggested a day/time that was good for you.he needs to work a little. Otherwise it sets the ground for me to chase him and I'd never do that.I would drop a woman for having this mindset. You're supposed to be building a partnership, not making him "work" for things. If both people aren't working on the relationship, it will fail. 4
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 I think you have a lot of anxiety about the whole situation, which is causing him to be really nervous also. It's kind of like, holding an ice cream cone in front of a child, saying "There are going to be serious consequences for you if you eat this ice cream cone. Your day might get better, but it also might get worse." The child thinks, well I know I love ice cream, so at least I'll enjoy eating it. But eating the ice cream cone is now a little bit- or a lot- stressful, since he doesn't know what's about to happen immediately after. We all want reassurances in life, and in dating especially. I'd like some certainty that my dates are going to be wonderful and fun. I'd like to know that the next guy I have sex with is going to be an amazing partner too. But it seems like you were trying to take the risk out of the situation by having this half-assed conversation, in which he didn't get much of a say-so. I think he likes you, but the way you're going about this whole relationship is throwing him for a loop. Very clear. thanks. since I've ignored his last smiley face on Monday and he did not reach out after that, I guess I should just forget about this one and move on. Do you agree?
stillafool Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I Sex was messy. None of us could have an orgasm. Nervousness, whatever. Or he probably wasn't sexually attracted to me in the first place. (First red flag). The only red flag I see here is possible impotency or a man who is not so good in bed, perhaps nervous. This would be a turn off for me. I doubt this is because he was not sexually attracted to you. He was just nervous about his performance and rightfully so. He contacted me the next morning proposing to see each other again during the week or next weekend. I replied sure. He didn't follow up (second red flag) He did contact you that afternoon so where is the red flag here. Maybe he didn't get back to you as soon as you would have liked but it was within the same day. However, he contacted me later that afternoon and said the more he was thinking about me, the more he liked me, and that we're both in similar situations. I told him yes, bla, bla. At the end of the conversation I told him I like to be kissed again by him. He sent me a smiley face (third red flag) He contacted me yet again on Monday. Just a smiley face. I read the message but did not reply. The fact he's online all day long in several dating sites really annoys me (fourth red flag) No contact after that. After I ignored his smiley face, he didn't send me anymore texts (two days had passed) (fifth red flag) I'd appreciate your thoughts guys. Maybe I'm just blind to all these red flags, or maybe I'm just too sensitive. Let me know! Thanks! He sounds really immature and doesn't seem to know what to say. I think he was expecting a response after the smiley face. WTF would you say except send another . I really think you need to give this more time if you are still interested in him. As far as him still being on dating sites I know it is annoying but you aren't together yet.
lilmissjava Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Are YOU interested in seeing him more? Your post is a little confusing to even us and I can't imagine how the guy interpreted it. I think you should have been more concerned if he didn't send a text afterwards at all. It takes two to have a meaningful conversation. Try contacting him again if indeed you are interested. Relying solely on communication from him won't get you anywhere. As for the sex. Discussing what it means beforehand would turn anyone off.
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 Who has done the "chasing" for the previous three dates? If he's done all the work so far, it's unfair to expect him to keep doing it without some effort on your part.He did show interest. You were vague in your response and it probably threw him off. Instead of saying "Sure", you should have suggested a day/time that was good for you.I would drop a woman for having this mindset. You're supposed to be building a partnership, not making him "work" for things. If both people aren't working on the relationship, it will fail. He should be working, specially because I told him how insecure I was about having sex. But anyway, lets say you're right and we should be working equally. I gave him three hints I'm into him: I replied every text he sent me until the last one that I ignored, I told him I wanted to kiss him again soon, I told him I was hoping to get to know him better, I told him I was eager to explore with him...what else does this guy need? would you honestly feel discouraged by ONE unanswered text??? Honestly, would you?
AMJ Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Very clear. thanks. since I've ignored his last smiley face on Monday and he did not reach out after that, I guess I should just forget about this one and move on. Do you agree? No I think you should ask him if he wants to see you this weekend. You ignored his smiley face. You said, I want to kiss you, he sends you a happy face. A happy face isn't a blow off, it's his way of saying- YAY she wants to kiss me. And then you said nothing. He's backing off in general because you're going a little nuts on him, so he's not sure what to do. But he likes you, or else he wouldn't ask you out again. I agree, you saying- Sure- could be construed as a blow-off, as a response to him asking you out. This entire issue is why texting is the worst form of communication ever. Back in the day, people used to pick up the phone and ****ing talk to each other. I'm in the age group that has experienced both generations of dating. I swear to you the old way was so much easier. 6
Jabron1 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I think that this is an example of the wrong guy being in the right place at the right time. Normally I don't like using the term 'getting lucky', but this guy really did just get lucky. His level of skill is low, and his level of interest is low. I can only imagine that you really want to be with someone right now, and so you wanted to give this guy every chance. It does seem like you are trying to force the situation. The problem is that the man has to lead, and I think the time has come to accept that this just isn't the guy. You have to cut your losses. I know it's hard sometimes, but you need to walk away. Stop investing in someone who isn't right for you. 2
Author brokengirl85 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 The only red flag I see here is possible impotency or a man who is not so good in bed, perhaps nervous. This would be a turn off for me. I doubt this is because he was not sexually attracted to you. He was just nervous about his performance and rightfully so. He did contact you that afternoon so where is the red flag here. Maybe he didn't get back to you as soon as you would have liked but it was within the same day. He sounds really immature and doesn't seem to know what to say. I think he was expecting a response after the smiley face. WTF would you say except send another . I really think you need to give this more time if you are still interested in him. As far as him still being on dating sites I know it is annoying but you aren't together yet. Hi stillafool! Thank you for your reply, super clear. what is your suggestion here, then? Reach out or just wait? Could be that he's insecure as well, but I can't deal with that at this point.
stillafool Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 His level of skill is low, and his level of interest is low. I can only imagine that you really want to be with someone right now, and so you wanted to give this guy every chance. It does seem like you are trying to force the situation. The problem is that the man has to lead, and I think the time has come to accept that this just isn't the guy. . I think the guy is trying to lead but doesn't know how. 1
AMJ Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I think the guy is trying to lead but doesn't know how. Not all men are as skilled as Jabron 1
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 First off what are your expectation? Relationship? Casual? casual and see how things go? FWB? I think you need to change your perspective, and not focus on looking for sex, but actually spend time getting to know someone with eyes wide open. If the guy doesn't initiate the behavior, and communicate like someone who truly is respectful, and treats you the way you want to be treated, walk away. Hoping for it to evolve into something you are looking for is a waste of time. So if you find yourself unsure and having to come here for some answers, then that right there IS your answer....and it not a positive one.
Shining One Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I gave him three hints I'm into him: I replied every text he sent me until the last one that I ignored, I told him I wanted to kiss him again soon, I told him I was hoping to get to know him better, I told him I was eager to explore with him...what else does this guy need?How about asking him out instead of dropping hints? He's asked you out three times and tried to ask you out a fourth time, but your vague response likely threw him off.would you honestly feel discouraged by ONE unanswered text??? Honestly, would you?It's more than just one unanswered text. The game playing would be enough to push me away.
stillafool Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 He sounds really immature and doesn't seem to know what to say. I think he was expecting a response after the smiley face. WTF would you say except send another . I really think you need to give this more time if you are still interested in him. As far as him still being on dating sites I know it is annoying but you aren't together yet. Hi stillafool! Thank you for your reply, super clear. what is your suggestion here, then? Reach out or just wait? Could be that he's insecure as well, but I can't deal with that at this point. Yes reach out. The ball is somewhat in your court to do so. Remember when talking to this guy that he is insecure and probably needs reassurance from you that you are still attracted considering his sexual performance. I think it made him feel much better when you mentioned that you like being kissed by him. Go for it. 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I honestly thought he could not cum because he was not sexually attracted to me. That's all. I'm not making a big deal about it. of course I'd have loved if he showed me he was attracted to me, but oh well, s.hit happens. This is a direct reflection of you, not him. How did he show you he was NOT attracted?
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