My ex wants to be best friends for life and I'm tempted to see him

[loveandhearts]

While the help I've already received on other posts is cherished, this is ongoing for me and I'd like to hear more advice.

He says he wants to be best friends with me forever, that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and that it's mean if I want to lose him as a friend. Yesterday I was debating replying to his texts when out of the blue he called me and I thought wow I'm thinking about him at this very moment and he calls just when I was about to break. So I answer and he asks me to hang out tomorrow. He wants me to come over as "we have shows to watch". I told him how a new girl in your life won't be happy with you always hanging out with your ex and he says if that's the case he wouldn't want to date them. He said he was sorry we moved too fast in the beginning. We were 18 and 19 when I moved in with him and it's been a year and a half. He says he doesn't know how things will go.

What hurts me the most is he says he wants to walk me down the aisle (I have no father) because he thinks our friendship is that close or somehow that it would be appropriate. We broke up only a few days ago and I moved back home. The bags are still in my room, I haven't unpacked, it's a mess. I promise that I will end up missing him and wanting to see him. Wanting to see him and shown him how great I can be. For him to miss me so much and hold onto me. He told me that after I moved out (which was only yesterday) that he cried. He said he missed me and it hadn't even been a full day since I left. It's not like I left because I enjoyed doing it, I felt like I had to go. He thought we should just be friends for a long while, if not forever.

I want to believe that he'll always want me in his life and eventually realize I am the right one for him again. However that's torture for me.

Hearing his voice on the phone brought me great happiness and pushed over my wall of sadness. I even ate dinner after not eating for 3 and a half days. He makes me so happy, how could I choose to be depressed and alone? When he at least want to always be friends. I made many mistakes in the relationship (so did he though) and I want to redeem myself. Be the girl he loved so much again.

[Emilia]

This is all about him, isn't it? Not about you. Do you think that's right?

[TheScientist]

This is all about him, isn't it? Not about you. Do you think that's right?

 

I totally agree with this.

 

This 'holding on but not really holding on' and 'i'm letting you go...but wait stop right there' attitude is really destructive.

 

I am in the same situation, and my ex recently said the same things to me, the 'best friends forever' 'there when you get engaged, married' and it really plays with your mind because it reassures you that they want you in their lives and actually gives you hope in the long run.

 

They are free to roam and you are patiently awaiting the light bulb moment, better than nothing right? Least you get to see them right? Wrong! Usually it will be on their terms and until they find someone else.

 

Just be careful, take some time out and be selfish. You know it would not work and would make you miserable.

 

I am not going to tell you to let go all that other stuff because I myself am having trouble with that, but just be honest with yourself, you want more than friends and he wants to keep you around as some spare wheel.

 

xxx

[PegNosePete]

He says he wants to be best friends with me forever

Well, I want a Ferrari, a million quid and a monkey in a dinner jacket to serve me breakfast every morning. One cannot always get what one wants.

 

However that's torture for me.

Yes. Exactly. His desire is torture for you. If he really cared, do you think he'd put you through that? It is impossible to be friends with someone for whom you still have feelings. Your best option at this stage is to go full NC. If at some point in the future you want to become friends, then you can. But for now, it's impossible, you're right that it will be torture. So you need to tell him sorry, it's too painful to be friends right now, that you won't be contacting him again, and that if he cares about your feelings even the smallest bit then he will not contact you either.

 

Hearing his voice on the phone brought me great happiness

False happiness. You're living in a land of make believe, thinking that you're still together. You're not. Sooner or later the walls will come crashing down and you'll be back to square 1.

 

Sorry but it's better to get this over with. Rip the plaster off rather than keep picking at the scab.

 

Go NC. Heal.

 

Then after that, think about "forever".

[smudge21]

Crikey, this is verging on mental torture. I'm guessing he ended it, and now he's doing his best to keep you around, but he's clearly only thinking of himself here (despite his words).

 

 

I don't doubt that he likes you, even wants to keep you in his life. I've been the dumper and have missed people before. Just because we sometimes no longer love someone doesn't mean we want nothing to do with them. However, as a dumper (and a human being) we should at least take into account the feelings of the person we've just destroyed. I would never have continued to speaking to people I left if I thought for one second it would bring them sadness. One even said she was happy with friendship but it was clear she was hanging around hoping that things would get back to normal so I had to go no contact on her.

 

 

This guy who you clearly still have such strong feelings for, may be thinking he's doing what's best for you but I think he's wanting you in his life whilst still having the option to do whatever the flip he wants with other girls. The fact is, you sill love him and are still hurting because you've not healed... and you won't heal whilst he's still right there in your life all the time. The fact that any contact, any breadcrumbs from him makes you so happy, but it's a short lived false happiness as what will happen is reality will quickly kick in that he's not with you and then you'll be back down to earth again. It's like taking a step forward to happiness but then two steps back each time.

 

 

What you have to understand is that by the time a dumper ends things, they've already mentally gone through the breakup and fully healed. There's been a point in the relationship where they've thought about ending it, it's been dragging on, they've gone through the sadness part of saying goodbye and by the time they're telling us, they are ready for their next adventure. For the dumpee, it's all sudden and we start from that point. We lining up on the start line of pain and sorrow whereas they've already crossed the finish line, got the medals and are celebrating with someone new.

 

 

The fact is if you agree to his rules, his terms, his idea of keeping you as a friend, then that's all you will ever be. If he was any sort of a man, he would understand your pain and sadness and push you away, let you heal. Maybe in the future you could be friends again, but right now, no chance. You can't just switch off emotions like that. He healed, now you have to do the same. As hard as this sounds and as hard as it will be, you have to do it...

[thai_singles]

I am agree with you totally @smudge21. Right, In future you could be a good friends. And according to me I will suggest you to forget everything and start a life with clean sheet.

[elaine567]

I want to believe that he'll always want me in his life and eventually realize I am the right one for him again. However that's torture for me.

 

The dumper is usually the one in control, the one who made the decision to end it, they are the one least emotionally invested, they have had weeks/months even years to come to that decision, by the time the break up happens, they are mostly over it.

They can easily be "just friends" as they have already moved on, but the dumpee is usually hurt, distraught, blindsided and heart broken.

The dumpee can agree, in the hope it will lead to more, but it tends not to end well, the dumper did just want to be friends.

It is torture, and even more so when the dumper starts dating again and nonchalantly shares his/her conquests with his/her new best "friend".