He slept with someone else on break now it's been 5 months back together!!!

March 2, 2016

Long story short, my boyfriend and I were going through some trouble very early on in the relationship. Moving into his parents, parents overly involved on both sides blah blah blah, you get the picture. Things exploded and surely enough came to an end this past October. Our beginning felt like a fairy-tale however and while every break up before this felt like a large title wave I could easily get over, this one felt like a damn tragedy. We split for about two weeks and got back together the day before Halloween. I hated not being able to enjoy Halloween since it was my favorite holiday and we built our costumes together. He confessed that while we were apart he told me he slept with one of his friends girlfriends (He apparently delivered her to him). While I don't think it matters who and I know we were split up and he was free to do whatever he pleased, including have sex with someone new. When he told me I didn’t get mad at him at all, I didn’t lash out or anything I just cried. I told him I wasn’t mad at him but that it just really hurt. I tried to think nothing of it until I physically saw him the next day and had the same talk again, he held my hands and told me that he did it because he was hurting, he thought it would make him feel better, and he thought I wanted nothing to do with him. He told me I deserved better and he felt like a dirtbag. He said He'd cut ties with them as soon as I told him to and he said it made him feel worse. He told me he loved me and just held me while I cried it out. Oddly, although I was really hurting, that moment sort of felt like it brought us closer.

Now it's five months later we have gotten back together we've worked through a lot of issues but every now and again it comes up and it terrifies me. It feels like a betrayal but it wasn’t. It feels like I meant nothing to him even though I know that’s not true. It just hurts and I don’t know what to do about it.

Have any of you been in this situation before? How did you work through it? I know I need to let this go and be at peace with it. I know it won’t happen overnight but I need advice and perhaps some words of encouragement if you have them.:(

March 2, 2016

How small is your town?

March 2, 2016

quite small... relatively, not entirely sure but enough for crap to get around. Enough People know what happened between us and know we're back on if that's what your asking.

March 2, 2016

No it's the fact that he slept with one of his friend's girlfriends!!! "Maybe" he was ok sleeping around during a break...BUT a friend's girlfriend?!?!! And you want that sort of slime?

March 2, 2016

Well OP that happened to me and I did it too so I've been on both sides. When I slept with a mutual friend it was to burn my bridges with a man. I saw it as completely over but I knew it would be very hard for me to act that way (we worked together) and I also wanted to feel better.

Of course it was a disaster - though when I explained it to my ex I think he felt better about it.

When I was at the receiving end it hurt and only time made it better. I think you either break up with someone or you stay. The on/off is too hard

March 2, 2016

Just because on your break he was technically free to sleep with somebody else, doesn't make that reality any less painful for you. The fact that one of his buddies "delivered" the buddy's GF to your BF for him to sleep with makes me Q what kind of friends he has. How are you supposed to ever hang out with that buddy or his GF again ever?

I hope you are not still living with your BF's parents. If you are make plans to move immediately. That is not healthy at all.

You can't erase what happened. But if you can't put it in the past & never think about it again, you have to end the relationship because that action is a cancer that is destroying your relationship. This will never get bet for you unless you let it go. If you can't get past it, move on.

What happened to you is yet another classic example of why breaks don't work. They cause more problems then they fix. I think your ill-advised decision to go on this break will ultimately cost you this relationship.

In the future either work together with your partner to address any problems that arise or end the relationship. Don't "take a break" because this is what happens.

March 2, 2016

My opinion is that anyone who uses technicalities to have sex with someone else, doesn't really think that much of you or have very strong feelings for you.

I would not have taken him back, regardless of the "technicalities" of being on a break.

March 2, 2016

Breaks can be an extremely powerful thing in a relationship to help it get fixed or to destroy it.

My wife and I took a 3 month break while we were dating, and it saved our relationship.

That said, many people take breaks super lightly, and think they need to take one every time you have an argument. Then this kind of stuff happens.

Break means broken up... you can feel as much anger as you want, but men handle breakups differently then women and often desire that sexual rebound to help them get over the emotional hurt. You have to decide if you can live with this, but you can't hold it against him, because like you said, he did nothing wrong.

March 2, 2016

I don't believe in breaks--either you're working on your issues together or you're neglecting them and anything that's neglected withers with the exception of succulent plants and drought grass. Not in all cases of course, as Gunslinger stated in his case, but his is the rare case and not the norm. You tell me you want to take a break, I hear "we're breaking up" and consider it as such.

While you may have been on a break, unless a considerable amount of time has gone by and you've had time to get over it, it does feel like betrayal if they can turn around quickly, for whatever reason they conjure up, and sleep with someone else. It does make you feel insignificant like an interchangeable cog in a wheel.

Going forward, though, I guess you need to assess how strong is your relationship to withstand the squalls that will flare up from time to time when this crosses your mind? Is he going to be OK with having to brave the blasts from you? Has he fully witnessed your pain and hurt or are you doling it out by drips and drops?

I think you need to fully blast and get it out of your system and he needs to hear what you have to say about the depth of the pain it caused, even though you two were broken up. It may help to write out everything you have to say on the matter and get the non sequitur things out of the way so that you can be concise and to the point when and if you should ever consider putting closure on this event and moving on. And if he truly wants to be with you and make things work, he should be willing to witness you for this. Then once you're done venting, you're done--because staying with him means you're done with dragging up that baggage from the break.

March 2, 2016

I don't understand what you are terrified of, is it him having sex with another woman. the friends gf, what? He didn't cheat on you. Maybe you two could get couples counseling.

March 2, 2016

It feels like a betrayal but it wasn’t. It feels like I meant nothing to him even though I know that’s not true. It just hurts and I don’t know what to do about it.

It feels like a betrayal as that is what it was.

It was a fairytale relationship, and when it hit problems and you split, he was supposed to grieve, go off into the mountains, search his soul, find out what he truly wanted ie you, come back, scoop you up on his white charger, and you ride off into the sunset together. Love conquers all...

He was not supposed to leap into bed with his friend's gf, as soon as you were out of the way...ugh!

Whilst you were crying into your pillow, grieving for the death of your relationship, he was having sexy time with someone else...

He may not have "technically" betrayed you, but it feels like betrayal all the same and that is why you are so upset and you find it difficult to forget.

March 2, 2016

Long story short, my boyfriend and I were going through some trouble very early on in the relationship. Moving into his parents,(No I'm not living there anymore) both parents overly involved on both sides blah blah blah, you get the picture. Things exploded and surely enough came to an end this past October. (MEANING WE BROKE UP NO SIGN OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER NOTHING)

Our beginning felt like a fairy-tale however and while every break up before this felt like a large title wave I could easily get over, this one felt like a damn tragedy. We split for about two weeks and got back together the day before Halloween. I hated not being able to enjoy Halloween since it was my favorite holiday and we built our costumes together. He confessed that while we were apart he told me he slept with one of his friends girlfriends (He apparently delivered her to him THIS FRIEND OF HIS WANTED AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP FOR SOME STUPID REASON AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT BUT IT'S WHATEVER). While I don't think it matters who and I know we were split up and he was free to do whatever he pleased, including have sex with someone new.

When he told me I got a little angry but I didn’t lash out or anything I just cried. Tears spewed down my face like acid rain. It hurt it stung and to come to find it was someone relatively close It hurt all the more. I told him I wasn’t mad at him but that it just really hurt. I tried to think nothing of it until I physically saw him the next day and had the same talk again, he held my hands and told me that he did it because he was hurting, he thought it would make him feel better, and he thought I wanted nothing to do with him. He told me I deserved better and he felt like a dirtbag. He said He'd cut ties with them as soon as I told him to and he said it made him feel worse. He told me he loved me and just held me while I cried it out. Oddly, although I was really hurting, that moment sort of felt like it brought us closer.

Now it's five months later we have gotten back together we've worked through a lot of issues (I REALLY HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THE INCIDENT EXCEPT FOR EVERY NOW AND AGAIN WHEN SOMETHING REMINDS ME OF THE GIRL OR WHEN I HAVE TO TAKE THE STREET WHERE THEY BOYFRIEND WORKS.) Let me be very clear he's a little ****ed up but so am I. I have already explained to him that this still hurts and that it's going to take time. He shows no sign of wanting anyone else. He seems very smitten but I know that girl out there still thinks of him... I have communicated to him that I had a dream of beating them up mercilessly. I feel bad for them but then again I don't I felt like they where pigs that wanted to hurt me by enticing him into doing something he wouldn't ordinarily do because his self esteem was so low. I just wonder if maybe the rebound doesn't matter who it's with just looked for an opportunity and went with it.

I feel very insecure some days....I look into kinky things to do with him so he's never board which was never an issue in the first place he tells me I'm all the women he needs but sometimes I don't believe him. If your thinking the girls beautiful I don't mean to sound harsh but she really isn't I just feel a bit taken aback by everything. After all we where only apart two weeks and I couldn't even get out of bed to shower let alone want to look at another guy.... Idk I just need to know the truth behind why he did what he did....

It feels like a betrayal but it wasn’t. It feels like I meant nothing to him even though I know that’s not true. It scares me, only because I don't know how to fathom it all. I feel provoked anger and hurt. I don't have a clue what I would do if I ever ran into the couple. Which by the way I'd like to ask how should I react if I do see them?

Have any of you been in this situation before? How did you work through it? I know I need to let this go and be at peace with it. I know it won’t happen overnight but I need advice and perhaps some words of encouragement if you have them. :mad:

March 2, 2016

Ah the difference between a break and a break up. Just noticed. No that never happened to me, it was always break ups. I don't see the point in taking a break. You are either on or off.

March 2, 2016

I am pretty much going with what everyone else has already said even after reading your changes...

I just don't think you are listening to them.

They are saying along the lines of

1. Getting back together was possibly a mistake

2. Its OK to hurt but the guy has done nothing wrong so you are going to have to find a way to get over it.

I think you need to part ways and undertake therapy to work through that anger and insecurity personally but that is my opinion.

Drama is as drama does.

March 2, 2016

The guy has done nothing wrong as you were broke up. The girl is probably not even thinking about him anymore (she hasn't been calling or texting him, has she?) and is moving on with her life. You seem to be the only one who can't move past this. People react in different ways after a breakup. Some sit down with a half gallon of ice cream to relieve their pain, others want hot sex to make them feel better. That's just life, everyone is different. You can either put this behind you and move on with your bf or continue worrying over nothing and break up again. Maybe next time for good.

March 2, 2016

Let's try this again after deleting half the posts in this thread. If you can't post without being civil to one another, move on to another thread or another forum, please. That includes the thread-starter.

~6

Edited March 2, 2016 by Robert

March 2, 2016

We can all sit at home and go "Its nothing", "He did nothing wrong", but the OP still has to live with the fact that her bf slept with this girl, the 2 week split is effectively null and void, as she doesn't see why he would have done this if he truly loved her, split or no split.

We all know a break up is a break up, both are free to do what they want, but most expect some period of "grieving" and do not expect that within a short 2 weeks, one has slept with someone else.

When women do this, we usually have a chorus of "She was cheating on you dude.", but not here it seems.

March 2, 2016

[] I will reiterate that it comes off as jealousy and also the OP being hurt that it's public knowledge within her town that her ex got it on with someone else.

The problem being a "townie" is that everyone knows your business and constantly whispers about you in public and talk loud about you behind your back.

Solutions I see here are the OP breaks up with this guy for good or she removes herself from this environment.

Edited March 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
commentary on moderation redacted ~6

March 2, 2016

Thank you. You are the first person to whom I actually feel like understands what it is I'm going through. As I said before we are working through things. All seams much better as of now but every now and again I can't shake the fear of losing him because of this. It doesn't seam right that he ran into anthers arms so quickly. He said once before he doesn't want to be in another arms.

I think what really bothers me about all of this is that he is still friends with the guy and I have seen Facebook messages between him and the girl. She clearly is still lusting even if it seams like her passes are going right over his head. I'm just aggravated that theirs really no real proof that he wants her. I guess it should be a good thing but I am upset because he constantly paranoid that I'm talking to other guys. I do have a decent amount of guy friends but I never cross that boarder of intimately talking to them and I feel he does it with girls he communicates with not frequent but once is too much. I'm in a bit of a pickle because I don't want to cut him lose because he does work at trying to make me happy and for that I feel that is all that should matter but then I have days like today where i feel woeful and confused.

March 2, 2016

most expect some period of "grieving" and do not expect that within a short 2 weeks, one has slept with someone else.

For some people, sex is a way of dealing with grief. I know a ONS helps me feel better after being dumped.

March 2, 2016

For some people, sex is a way of dealing with grief. I know a ONS helps me feel better after being dumped.

I agree. Sex was the only way I could deal with my brothers death.

March 2, 2016

T It doesn't seam right that he ran into anthers arms so quickly. He said once before he doesn't want to be in another arms.

I think what really bothers me about all of this is that he is still friends with the guy and I have seen Facebook messages between him and the girl. She clearly is still lusting even if it seams like her passes are going right over his head.

It shows you that he doesn't value sex. For him it's purely physical. There is not anything wrong with that attitude per se but I can see where the timing grates on your nerves.

You need to tell him if there is any hope for you to get over his ONS, he has to at least cut the girl out of his life. I'm not sure you will ever be able to tolerate the guy either, since this whacky sharing business was his idea & he's OK with the fact that his buddy slept with his GF, but if they were long time friends, you demanding that your BF chose: you vs. the buddy is not going to turn out well for you. But I think you need to set boundaries where this chick is concerned. If she is still sending him lusty messages she wants a repeat & that is not cool.

March 5, 2016

What if I told you guys he continued to hang out with them a couple months into our new relationship without telling me?

March 6, 2016

What if I told you guys he continued to hang out with them a couple months into our new relationship without telling me?

That's a bad sign, OP.

He is not honest. He and this girl are still in contact, and she seems to still making passes at him. He has terrible boundaries...and I have a hard time believe his friend just "delivered" his girlfriend for your boyfriend to have sex with. I would think it's more likely that she cheated and her boyfriend doesn't know, but that's just my feeling.

I don't think this is going to end well for you. No, he didn't cheat. But there's a problems with boundaries and transparency in your relationship. I would not trust him for that very reasonl

March 6, 2016

What if I told you guys he continued to hang out with them a couple months into our new relationship without telling me?

Honestly, I do not think this is fixable.

Too much water under the bridge.

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He slept with someone else on break now it's been 5 months back together!!!

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