brom Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I've talked to many people close to me about this but of course nobody else can really understand. I thought I'd try to get some insight from you guys. Sorry in advance for rambling on... When I met my ex girlfriend, we had one of those instant, love at first sight type of connections. Only problem was that we lived 1300 miles away. It was the best relationship either of us had ever had, we were very much in love and had always talked about living together and getting married. I honestly felt like I had finally met my soulmate. (I'm 28, she's 23) It was hard because of the distance, but we felt so strongly about each other that we made it work for 3 years. We skyped pretty much all evening, every single day, we were very close. We took turns visiting each other every month from 4 days to 4 weeks at a time. At the beginning, we had planned that she was eventually going to move and live with me. After some time things happened and she changed her mind and it was crushing because we were going on that plan for so long. Instead of breaking it off, we decided that I would move to her. From time to time, she wanted to talk about our plans and when I would be coming to live with her. Truth is, me doing so would involve uprooting my whole life. I have a good career, family, friends and commitments here. I was very scared at the thought of leaving it all behind, just to have things with her not work out and I would be screwed. So whenever she wanted to talk about it, I would just make excuses about things I had to do first before I could move. I know it wasn't fair but I was scared. At the same time she was everything to me, my whole world and I would have done anything to be with her. I was so back and forth on the decision. Anyway, this long distance relationship was going on for 3 years and at times I was fearing that things would be coming to an end eventually. Like everyone says, the long distance was really hard, much harder for her than it was for me and there came a point where she just couldn't take it anymore and she made the call to end things between us, not that I didn't agree with everything she said because it was all true. The cost of plane tickets every month were a lot, it was affecting me saving money to pay off debt so that I would be able to move. As well as the emotional toll it took on us not being able to be together physically on a daily basis. This breakup has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure in my life and it's still affecting me today. The worst part about it is we didn't break up for negative reasons, like cheating or falling out of love, etc. We had an almost perfect relationship, the only thing that ended it was distance. The day she broke up with me, she told me she had been feeling this way for a while but didn't have it in her to break up with me until then. We both took it very very hard. About a week later, we were both so unhappy that we decided we should give it another shot. That only lasted about 3 weeks, we had realized that since we got back together that nothing had changed so we decided to break it off again for good this time. Anyway, it has been 8 months since then and I am still not completely over her but I feel she is over me which hurts but I can't blame her for that. I know it was a big mistake, but we remained in contact for months after the breakup, telling each other from time to time how miserable we were and how much we missed each other and what we had together. It only seemed to prolong the hurt. I had tried several times to do anything I could to get her back but she was completely against that idea. As time went on, we talked less and less and I have learned some things about her that have left me very disappointed. She has become very private towards me, not wanting me to know certain things she has been up to, which is understandable, I know we're not together anymore and she can do as she pleases, but the fact is I still care about her well being and her future. I have watched her change into a person that I don't know anymore. She has met a bunch of new friends and has become a party girl. She drinks every single day, even when she stays in, she will drink by herself. She drinks and drives without a care, which is pure stupidity because she is pursuing a very serious career and one DUI would ruin her life. But it seems like going out is her number one priority. She also has come crying to me several times because her so called "friends" were using her and I feel like she was coming to me like I'm mr. nice guy, always there for her when nobody else is to make her feel better, which I let her know I'm not okay with. And now I'm hearing that she has been involved with 3-4 guys since me and that she liked them but they have completely used her, leaving her feel hopeless and depressed. I'm not surprised because I know the types of guys shes going for are losers from the bar that are only after one thing. I know I shouldn't care about what she's doing and I should move on and forget about her and believe me, I have tried. I have been on about 8-9 dates myself and I haven't had any luck in finding anything close to what I had with her.. I just want to know why she is acting like this? Why has she become a completely different person? I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, which she has always told me. Does she have regrets about ending our relationship? What should I do with myself? I feel a constant emptiness inside that she used to occupy. The weird thing is, when I think of her how she is now, she despises me but for some reason that's not enough to keep her off my mind...
mightycpa Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 You learned a few things, didn't you: From time to time, she wanted to talk about our plans and when I would be coming to live with her. Truth is, me doing so would involve uprooting my whole life. I have a good career, family, friends and commitments here. I was very scared at the thought of leaving it all behind, just to have things with her not work out and I would be screwed.And here you are anyway, screwed. So whenever she wanted to talk about it, I would just make excuses about things I had to do first before I could move. I know it wasn't fair but I was scared. At the same time she was everything to me, my whole world and I would have done anything to be with her.Let's be honest with ourselves, shall we? Anything except pull the trigger on leaving, or talking about your fears honestly. I have learned some things about her that have left me very disappointed...You know, at her age, people do become different. Goodie-goodies goes through a wild stage... even the Amish kids leave to do whatever it is they're going to do that they don't want the village to know about. They're younger, but same idea applies. Party animals sometimes sober up and begin their adult lives. You never know. It is a time of change. She would have changed too... you'd have been better off meeting her today, with her having her wild days behind her. But you didn't and here you are. Read through the threads, you'll read a lot of good advice about what to do and what not to do. You're basically breaking all the good advice about what not to do, so if you're serious about getting over her, turn around and leave her behind. Make her a memory. That is job #1. As you say, staying in tough simply prolongs the hurt. As for what you should do, in simple terms, you have to start looking forwards rather than backwards. It is easier said than done, but it is doable. Small goals, accomplish them, bigger goals, accomplish them. Force yourself to confront your future, and the past will fade away. Good luck OP.
basil67 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 It wasn't the distance which killed your relationship. It was the fact that neither of you were prepared to prioritise the relationship sufficiently to move and make it work. You both prioritised your home life above each other. Her moving on and changing is completely normal. Now that she's not feeling tethered to the relationship, she's exploring new things. I highly suggest you cease contact with her. You're not going to get over her while she's still coming to you for comfort etc.
Toodaloo Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 What happened? She stopped pretending. This girl is not who you thought she was. It happens to us all.
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