SmartDude Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 No. I have done this before (took a break from a partner to explore options during a confusing time, then soon came back). What exactly is wrong with taking a break but not burning bridges with people? Every break up does not have to be "I am never talking to you again and we are forever done"... There are times when people get confused and need to explore life, and mature people understand this. I think that you may be speaking from a very typical perspective of possessiveness and finality; I speak from a perspective of freedom and choice. There is an element of maturity that is shown when you allow your partner the freedom to follow their heart (within reason), but don't hold it against them like they are your property. This attitude of "if you loved me, you'd never even think of another" is very egotistical and possessive. But then again, I have also been in a poly relationship that managed to stay rather peaceful and happy and loving, so I am clearly past the point of jealousy and drama and this "I alone own your heart" thinking. - Laurell. Wonderfull! If everyone was like this there would be no problems. Too bad that most people who want a "relationship" are egotistical, possesive and also a bit psychotic. Sometimes I wonder if monogamy is the root of all selfishness in the world lol.
smackie9 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Unless you hop on the Christianity train with her, this relationship is over. I have seen this type of scenario posted many times. It's not going to work. It's bullz ballz to pull the plug on sex midway through a relationship because of new religious views. 3
Saracena Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 It does sound like OP's girlfriend is looking for ways out.[/quote Interested to know why you think this? I'm actually wondering if the opposite is true-given she's religious withdrawal of physical intimacy until the OP shows greater commitment ie marriage, . Of course this may well just be an excuse. Hard to tell.
truth_seeker Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Interested to know why you think this? I'm actually wondering if the opposite is true-given she's religious withdrawal of physical intimacy until the OP shows greater commitment ie marriage, . Of course this may well just be an excuse. Hard to tell. My comment was in response to Smackie's comment. It does seem like from what OP posted she is making decisions on her own and telling OP "this is what I'm doing, hope you're okay with it." It really comes off more as excuses to get OP to counter then gives her the excuse (reason) to break up with him and put all the blame on him... maybe it's tactics on her part or it could be designed to get him to commit to marriage. All possible. I believe though it's her wanting out. That's my guess.
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I guess Suzy is withering and dying here, the lack of effort around the house smacks of a woman who doesn't feel adored and loved. I guess the no sex till marriage religious thing was either suggested by a friend/family member to wake you up and propose marriage, or she worked that out by herself one day. I would not be surprised if she thinks you will propose on your 3rd anniversary. You need to realise what you have, and put ALL your effort in here, or break up with her and seek pastures new. However, just saying, the forum is full of young men who didn't quite appreciate what they had until it is gone. They went off to pursue "silly" women and regretted it when it didn't work out, tried to get back with the ex, who then told them to stuff it. They come here heartbroken and desperate, but the ex has then moved on, so it is hopeless... 1
Author teacherman Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 ***UPDATE*** I sat down with her last night and told her that something didn't feel right. I didn't feel the way I used to feel. She got very upset and started placing all the blame on herself, saying she would do better at x, y, and z. There were a lot of tears on her part. "I don't ever want you to stop loving me", "I don't see my life without you", and "This is a nightmare" were said. I felt awful about it, but it felt like a relief to say something to her. I did not say anything about Cindy. I told her that this was not a break up, just that we needed to assess ourselves and figure out what's going on. We decided not to take a break, but to put more effort into the relationship and getting back on the right track. Was this the right call? Who knows. But it really pained me to see her upset, and it really upset me.
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 It's only the right call if you stay away from Cindy. Personally I think it's just delaying the inevitable. 1
kendahke Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) ***UPDATE*** I sat down with her last night and told her that something didn't feel right. I didn't feel the way I used to feel. She got very upset and started placing all the blame on herself, saying she would do better at x, y, and z. There were a lot of tears on her part. "I don't ever want you to stop loving me", "I don't see my life without you", and "This is a nightmare" were said. I felt awful about it, but it felt like a relief to say something to her. I did not say anything about Cindy. I told her that this was not a break up, just that we needed to assess ourselves and figure out what's going on. We decided not to take a break, but to put more effort into the relationship and getting back on the right track. Was this the right call? Who knows. But it really pained me to see her upset, and it really upset me. A lot of "I"'s and "me" emphasis and no reflection of what her actions meant to you. Don't confuse her being "upset" with her being more concerned about her own comfort and not losing that. See, it never should have taken you saying this to her to begin with. This should have dawned on her when she conjured up the bright idea to turn you out and it should have caused her to rethink her position and its fairness toward you. She didn't do that. At no time before you sat her down and said this did she even contemplate changing her tack. She was fine to keep going full speed ahead just the way things were. Now that you are upsetting her apple cart, she's willing to do x, y and z? That's manipulation right there. She's not doing it of her own volition: she's doing it to keep from being inconvenienced by you moving on from the enforced involuntary celibacy lived in her pig sty. Like I said earlier--it's cool if she wants to stop having sex (and to me, that includes non-penetrating aspects if you're going to be religious about it), but that is not a decision you make and then dictate to the man you've asked to move in and live with you and have been having sex with up to your "road to Damascus" experience. That was a discussion you were entitled to be in on with her before she made up her mind because it involves you. It may be an underhanded way of manipulating a marriage proposal out of you... and you need to consider that. She also doesn't live in a way you are used to--being a slob. She may be fine living with vermin because she won't wash dishes or take out the trash, but do you want to be married to a woman like this? Is this the kind of house you want to come home to every day? Is it ok for the two of you to be working outside the home and only you are doing the cleaning? I'd say the same thing if you were expecting her to do all the cleaning, too after working 40+ outside the home. You both need to be keeping the home livable in a way that is comfortable for both of you. If you can't abide dirty dishes and 5 day old trash in the bin, figure it out because you will have to learn to live with what you can't rise above if you're going to remain with her. And if she even comes at you with the "this is the way I am and I'm not changing", leave her right where she stands and let her cry. Edited March 9, 2016 by kendahke 1
Author teacherman Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Thanks for the great advice, kendahke. Despite how I make her sound, she is a really great person. She has one of the best hearts I have come across. As far as Cindy goes...what do I do? I'm not exactly 100% sure of the extent to her feelings, and there are still some question marks. Do I straight out ask her how she feels about me? Or should that wait until after I deal with Suzy and our relationship? I just have a ton of question marks in my head and I would like one less. I have contemplated asking her how she feels to get a straight answer from her. Does that make it seem like I'm basing my decisions with Suzy on what Cindy feels? It's hard to look at this from an outside perspective.
CarrieT Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Do I straight out ask her how she feels about me? No. Or should that wait until after I deal with Suzy and our relationship? Yes. What you are contemplating doing is putting Suzy on the back-burner (keeping here there, safe to help you keep home) while you test the waters with Cindy. If Cindy doesn't like you or want you the same way, then you have this back-up plan... Not fair to Suzy at all, is it?
Author teacherman Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 No. Yes. What you are contemplating doing is putting Suzy on the back-burner (keeping here there, safe to help you keep home) while you test the waters with Cindy. If Cindy doesn't like you or want you the same way, then you have this back-up plan... Not fair to Suzy at all, is it? Yes that makes sense. I need to deal with Suzy and I first, then if it doesn't work out, I can explore with Cindy. If that doesn't work out, so be it. I shouldn't keep Suzy around as a "just in case Cindy doesn't work" thing. 2
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Thanks for the great advice, kendahke. Despite how I make her sound, she is a really great person. She has one of the best hearts I have come across. As far as Cindy goes...what do I do? I'm not exactly 100% sure of the extent to her feelings, and there are still some question marks. Do I straight out ask her how she feels about me? Or should that wait until after I deal with Suzy and our relationship? I just have a ton of question marks in my head and I would like one less. I have contemplated asking her how she feels to get a straight answer from her. Does that make it seem like I'm basing my decisions with Suzy on what Cindy feels? It's hard to look at this from an outside perspective. I suggest you work on your relationship first. I feel like you are intending on jumping ship because starting over with someone new is a lot better than dealing with the issues you have now.
ilovemefirst Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 You should probably take some time for yourself to think about what you want. Not to go out with Cindy, but to figure out what you want. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, but often we end up regretting that choice. Your girlfriend deserves better to be honest.
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