Ami1uwant Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Thank you for all the replies and advice. I've decided to say something to my current girlfriend, but have no idea how to approach it. I have zero experience in this kind of situation. This is my 3rd long term relationship (the longest) and I have never initiated the break up or anything of the sort. She is such a sensitive person so I need to be careful about how I go about it. Before you regret breaking it up for greener grass....talk to her about your relationship issues.
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 No. I have done this before (took a break from a partner to explore options during a confusing time, then soon came back). What exactly is wrong with taking a break but not burning bridges with people? But then again, I have also been in a poly relationship that managed to stay rather peaceful and happy and loving, so I am clearly past the point of jealousy and drama and this "I alone own your heart" thinking.. I have always been of the mindset that "breaks" cause more problems then they fix. If a couple wants to fix a problem that couple must work together & communicate. Separating lets the wound fester & somebody's imagination will work overtime to come up with the worst case scenario which then becomes their insurmountable reality. Exotic Flash -- your personal experience is that you have an open mind and a free spirit hence your ability to maintain a poly relationship. I could never do that. I don't share. I think it's important that as a community that posters are exposed to multiple points of view but in Suzy's position once the OP dumps her she has ever right to never take him back. In her shoes, I wouldn't take somebody back who threw me away once to take a break.
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I think it's important that as a community that posters are exposed to multiple points of view but in Suzy's position once the OP dumps her she has ever right to never take him back. In her shoes, I wouldn't take somebody back who threw me away once to take a break. Especially if that break, included exploring the lovely Cindy... 1
Exotic Flesh Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I have always been of the mindset that "breaks" cause more problems then they fix. If a couple wants to fix a problem that couple must work together & communicate. Separating lets the wound fester & somebody's imagination will work overtime to come up with the worst case scenario which then becomes their insurmountable reality. Exotic Flash -- your personal experience is that you have an open mind and a free spirit hence your ability to maintain a poly relationship. I could never do that. I don't share. I think it's important that as a community that posters are exposed to multiple points of view but in Suzy's position once the OP dumps her she has ever right to never take him back. In her shoes, I wouldn't take somebody back who threw me away once to take a break. Yes, I was flawed in assuming that the girlfriend would take him back at a later date... Maybe he should take the advice from all the others, there views are more reflective of the general society. Gosh, I sounded like I had my nose so high in the air in my previous two posts ... Oh well, I'll try not to come off that way again.
Lorenza Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 No. I have done this before (took a break from a partner to explore options during a confusing time, then soon came back). What exactly is wrong with taking a break but not burning bridges with people? Every break up does not have to be "I am never talking to you again and we are forever done"... There are times when people get confused and need to explore life, and mature people understand this. I think that you may be speaking from a very typical perspective of possessiveness and finality; I speak from a perspective of freedom and choice. There is an element of maturity that is shown when you allow your partner the freedom to follow their heart (within reason), but don't hold it against them like they are your property. This attitude of "if you loved me, you'd never even think of another" is very egotistical and possessive. But then again, I have also been in a poly relationship that managed to stay rather peaceful and happy and loving, so I am clearly past the point of jealousy and drama and this "I alone own your heart" thinking. - Laurell. Nobody talks about holding your partner by your side, if he/she clearly expresses their wish to go try someone out. Of course a mature thing to do is to let him/her go, but who would ever want to be a safety option in case the "exploration" doesn't give desired results? How spineless can you be if you decide to sit around and wait? Maybe it's something personal for you (since you were in poly relationship and that's something completely alien for me), but I can't see egoism in not ever wanting to see the person who fell out of love with you and left you for their new passion, it's just self-preserving dignity. That's a ****ty feeling - while you were invested and devoted to the relationship, your partner was emotionally cheating and dragging out the time you could have spent healing instead. And after all that you're supposed to leave a path for him to come back to you, because it's oh so peaceful and loving? Congrats if it works for you, but that's a shytty advice to give generally to a guy who's gf doesn't even know what going on. 1
kendahke Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 What exactly is wrong with taking a break but not burning bridges with people? Every break up does not have to be "I am never talking to you again and we are forever done"... There are times when people get confused and need to explore life, and mature people understand this. I think that you may be speaking from a very typical perspective of possessiveness and finality; I speak from a perspective of freedom and choice. There is an element of maturity that is shown when you allow your partner the freedom to follow their heart (within reason), but don't hold it against them like they are your property. This attitude of "if you loved me, you'd never even think of another" is very egotistical and possessive. That really depends upon the true motivations behind taking the break and if you're telling the truth of your actions to the one you're breaking up with. Suzy has an equal say in whether or not she wants to stomach friendship with her ex-boyfriend who's dumping her to explore a new woman. She may not have a problem with it; she may, but she certainly should not be a casualty of his selfishness by him not telling her the truth of what is going on. That's manipulation at it's peak. Is he going to say "I'm taking a break because I want to see what this other girl has to offer, but I want us to still be friends in case that doesn't work out because I don't want to have to be alone and start all over grooming someone new to be my girlfriend when you will do just nicely"? because that is the truth. In this instance with the OP--that's exactly what he's doing. And should she be expected to put her life on hold while he goes and does this? This doesn't even begin to address the whole messy rebound issue, since all of this is recent--he still clearly has feelings for Suzy otherwise he'd have been done and out of there long before now. But then again, I have also been in a poly relationship that managed to stay rather peaceful and happy and loving, so I am clearly past the point of jealousy and drama and this "I alone own your heart" thinking. that example is non sequitur to this discussion, though. OP isn't in a poly relationship. He's never said they agreed on an open relationship. If he had, it wouldn't be such a struggle for him to just tell this woman that he's on to someone new. This is a guy in a presumably monogamous relationship who is dumping the girl with whom he's been living to explore someone new and hasn't told her either that he's doing it or the truthful reason behind why he's doing it... and expecting her to remain friends with him just in case things don't pan out is selfish. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Gosh, I sounded like I had my nose so high in the air in my previous two posts ... Oh well, I'll try not to come off that way again. Not at all. You offered your perspective. That is what we're supposed to do. I vehemently disagree with you but was trying to say so diplomatically. You were absolutely right to offer your experiences.
truth_seeker Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 OP, all of this is happening for a reason. The reason being your relationship with Suzy has run its course. You need to break up with her and, when you're ready, pursue things with Cindy.
Author teacherman Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I appreciate it, this has been somewhat cathartic to get it out there to someone, even if I don't know any of you. I obviously need to figure out some things. I don't know which way my heart is leading me. Either way, I need to say something to my girlfriend. I don't plan on breaking up with her, just communicating as I should. I don't think I will mention Cindy, because I'm not focused on that part right now. Besides, if I do and things get better, I don't want her to worry about me going to work every day. I plan on telling her that something's changed. I'll say that I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't feel the same as I did a year ago or 6 months ago. Give the relationship the effort and attention it deserves before making a final decision. Those asking about the sex and timing of everything...in college it was awesome. Twice a week or so, I guess. Sparks were there, it was great. We did long distance for a year, so it was whenever we saw each other then, which was once a week or once every two weeks. Once we moved in, though...it was like pulling teeth. I literally had to almost ask the day before, because spur of the moment sex would not happen. Had to be planned out and was not really romantic that way. The frequency had drifted to once a week, then once every two weeks. Then, around the holidays, she told me she did not want to have sex anymore because of her faith (Christian, but strong believer). She felt bad and sinful. I complied, obviously not having any other option at that point. We haven't had sex since December. Edited March 2, 2016 by teacherman
losangelena Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Then, around the holidays, she told me she did not want to have sex anymore because of her faith (Christian, but strong believer). She felt bad and sinful. I complied, obviously not having any choice at that point. We haven't had sex since December. Well that's a wrinkle I didn't see coming. This can complicate matters enormously. So she feels guilty about living with her BF and having sex. I can't image that's going to go away anytime soon. Do you all share the same religious values? 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Well that's a wrinkle I didn't see coming. This can complicate matters enormously. So she feels guilty about living with her BF and having sex. I can't image that's going to go away anytime soon. Do you all share the same religious values? A wrinkle is putting it mildly. More like a huge crack in the foundation! OP, I'd lead with this, if you're not okay with holding out, and see if you don't end up parting ways, other girl or not. A serious incompatibility is reason enough to go your own ways. 1
Author teacherman Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 Yes, we're both the same religion. We go to church together when we can.
losangelena Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Yes, we're both the same religion. We go to church together when we can. Okay, well then how do you feel about all this? What if she says, "I feel convicted, no more sex until we're married?" You guys really need to sit down and have a talk about where this is going. Forget Cindy for now.
Leigh 87 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I was in your shoes in 2014. I ended it the dayI found myself crushing on another man. The chemistry was there, he got my number and called me and I realized that I wanted to explore other people because I had no real chemistry with ny bf. I promptly dumped the bf of 1 year and never looked back or regretted it. I hated hus personality and he was a real tight ass to boot yet he adored me and would have been devoted for life. Wanted to marry me etc. My ex ex also dumped me for the reasons you're contemplating. He also never looked back because he never fell in love with me to begin with. We were always just best friends. No true romantic inclinations were there naturally. It was contrived and very forced. Lastly, my friend had amazing chemistry with her ex... or so she thought. Turns out, the perceived " passion" was because he was a 28 yr old teacher at her high school. She was 17 and he took advantage of her. The chemistry was just a false rush of excitement. Once they were actually together the chemistry wore thin andshe didn't like or respect him. She left him when she found her current bf. 3 years later tbey are still wildly passionate. They don't have sex every day..sometimes once a week or even fortnight. They are both tired from both working until 7 and 9 pm....... Sometimes we meet someone with whom we THINK we share true chemistry with oftentimes, the physical chemistry fades and you realize thst you don't truly * click * and the physical stuff was actually falsely manufactured or short lived based on excitement, going after something you shouldn't or even being lonley! I promise you that true chemistry and compatability DO exist. It isn't with Suzy. And it probably isn't going to be there with the new lady either. But it IS very possible to find a woman with whom you just gell together with to well AND have an amazing and intense crush and great wild emotions for that never die albeit passion does wax and wane ( just not enough to crush on new people!). NOT all relationships go through a stage where the passion dies and you get a crush on other women. I am guessing that you weren't wildly attracted or passionate about Suzy even at the start? Or maybe you just had a very short honeymoon phase. Sure sex dies down even for the most passionate couple. But having a crush on another woman to this extent is wrong and not just something you chalk down to " oh, all relationships loose the chemistry and passion anyway ":sick: Honestly, I would not want to remain with my boyfriend if he starts feeling into other women. Being in a routine and needing to shake things up is one common theme all relationships go through; crushing on other women isn't!! Don't listen to people that urge you to " try". My friend tried to make a 3 yea relationship work. I tried too with exes. These people just aren't fortunate enough to have experienced electric chemistry and high compatability in a partner. ... because when you genuinely have enough chemistry AND compatability, you DO avoid the fantasizing. About others. Things get stale but not like this..............
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Sorry but breaking up is so hard to do. You might be surprise...she may feel relief because she has been wanting to end it too but was afraid to. 3
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 I plan on telling her that something's changed. I'll say that I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't feel the same as I did a year ago or 6 months ago. Give the relationship the effort and attention it deserves before making a final decision. Then, around the holidays, she told me she did not want to have sex anymore because of her faith (Christian, but strong believer). She felt bad and sinful. I complied, obviously not having any other option at that point. We haven't had sex since December. Don't be coy. Flat out tell her that the thing that changed was her new found religion & refusal to have sex.
Author teacherman Posted March 3, 2016 Author Posted March 3, 2016 Don't be coy. Flat out tell her that the thing that changed was her new found religion & refusal to have sex. That's the thing, I'm not so sure that is it. I've had these thoughts lingering since October or so...
MoreAmore Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 In the future, never confess your feelings for a girl and test out interest before ending it with one girl That is gross. I'm surprised Cindy will still give you a chance after that giant red flag. Leave your girlfriend. She doesn't deserve that. 2
ianna Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 I think you've just realised who your gf actually is and you don't like her at all... You are loosing attraction because she showed you that she is not sweet, adorable, good looking and chick who smells good couple of times in a month that you've seen each other during these 3 years She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't do anything a woman should do. I'd loose interest in someone who doesn't want to have sex too as normal people who moved in usually do. I'd loose interest in a guy who is dirty or is always naked around the house doing nothing afer his work and complalins he is tired and ignores me a bit, but yet doesn't do house jobs e.g. fixing electricity issues. I think you've realised you never liked your gf. The new girl is just an illusion and a way out of being misrable in your relationship. I think you don't like this Cindy girl either. I think she is just your exuse of being dissapointed in what your gf is as a house woman after only a month of living together. 1
ianna Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 p.s. my point is this: Find a new apartment, move out. Brake up. Find a rebound, date other chicks and be single, move back to your city. Don't fake chemistry that probably isn't there with Cindy. You seem like a guy who doesn't have much experience in being alone and single and was always in some long term relationships. You mentioned you want a new realtionship with Cindy? Listen, if I were Cindy, I would go on a couple of dates with you probably if I were bored or slightly liked you. After couple of dates, I'd loose interest in you because you were like rushing from one relationship to another. I wouldn't take you seriously and I'd blew you off after certain time when I get my senses and think clearly. But thats just me.
kendahke Posted March 3, 2016 Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) Twice a week or so, I guess. Sparks were there, it was great. We did long distance for a year, so it was whenever we saw each other then, which was once a week or once every two weeks. Once we moved in, though...it was like pulling teeth. I literally had to almost ask the day before, because spur of the moment sex would not happen. Had to be planned out and was not really romantic that way. The frequency had drifted to once a week, then once every two weeks. Then, around the holidays, she told me she did not want to have sex anymore because of her faith (Christian, but strong believer). She felt bad and sinful. I complied, obviously not having any other option at that point. We haven't had sex since December. This completely changes my viewpoint. As I said in my other post, you really need to move out and get your own place and quit being lazy about it. There is nothing remotely valiant about living a life of quiet desperation where you've strangled your own needs in order to keep someone else happy who really isn't thinking about yours. I mean, she made a life-altering decision for you here and I take it, she didn't ask for your input nor did she suggest some alternative to accommodate you? Are you satisfied with this and are you prepared to go along with this for the unforeseeable future? Even if you do marry her, you already know that she's not into sex the way you are. It's great when you two are long distance seeing each other every now and again, but once you're in her space, she really doesn't want it. And she lives like a slob. That's rather bait and switch if you ask me--she presented herself as one way when she was really the polar opposite. Sounds to me as if she manipulated you into a relationship and now you're torn about what to do because the ground shifted from beneath you. Are you prepared to live a frustrated life, always wondering how/when the next time you'll be able to have sex with her? I mean, if she doesn't want to have sex, that's fine---be by yourself then. But if you do, then she shouldn't expect for you to enter into involuntary celibacy, too. She is not being fair to you. Seriously--you need to move out. Edited March 3, 2016 by kendahke 2
Author teacherman Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 This completely changes my viewpoint. As I said in my other post, you really need to move out and get your own place and quit being lazy about it. There is nothing remotely valiant about living a life of quiet desperation where you've strangled your own needs in order to keep someone else happy who really isn't thinking about yours. I mean, she made a life-altering decision for you here and I take it, she didn't ask for your input nor did she suggest some alternative to accommodate you? Are you satisfied with this and are you prepared to go along with this for the unforeseeable future? Even if you do marry her, you already know that she's not into sex the way you are. It's great when you two are long distance seeing each other every now and again, but once you're in her space, she really doesn't want it. And she lives like a slob. That's rather bait and switch if you ask me--she presented herself as one way when she was really the polar opposite. Sounds to me as if she manipulated you into a relationship and now you're torn about what to do because the ground shifted from beneath you. Are you prepared to live a frustrated life, always wondering how/when the next time you'll be able to have sex with her? I mean, she sort of asked for my input, but it was more like...I've decided to do this, I hope you're okay with it. I mean we are still intimate and do other things, but just never sex. It's also the same set up...low frequency and planned out.
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 You need to bite the bullet OP. Clearly she's gone off the sex and the relationship is dying. You need to pull the plug. Your girlfriend might even feel relief.
truth_seeker Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Sorry but breaking up is so hard to do. You might be surprise...she may feel relief because she has been wanting to end it too but was afraid to. It does sound like OP's girlfriend is looking for ways out.
truth_seeker Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I don't see how a relationship can survive without physical intimacy.... especially one that had it and now has been shut off. 1
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