What are the most common reasons a married man winds up in an affair?

[joystickd]

LOL! I will have to laugh at some of you women. Honestly you have to ask the cheater to find the reasons why. The thing women should focus on is this question: Was my relationship really that great if cheating wasn't in the equation and if it wasn't what was my contribution to the problems? When cheating happens it takes the accountability off of the other spouse if there were problems. It's not really solving anything if you are just focusing on the other person and not also dealing with the issues you brought into the relationship.

[purplesorrow]

LOL! I will have to laugh at some of you women. Honestly you have to ask the cheater to find the reasons why. The thing women should focus on is this question: Was my relationship really that great if cheating wasn't in the equation and if it wasn't what was my contribution to the problems? When cheating happens it takes the accountability off of the other spouse if there were problems. It's not really solving anything if you are just focusing on the other person and not also dealing with the issues you brought into the relationship.

 

Lol and what question should the men be asking?

[joystickd]

Lol and what question should the men be asking?

 

Hey you are getting off topic now.

[purplesorrow]

Hey you are getting off topic now.

 

Of course I am.

[joystickd]

Of course I am.

 

What do you mean by men and questions they should be asking? My advice is universal there is no intended gender for it lol

[purplesorrow]

Hey you are getting off topic now.

 

What do you mean by men and questions they should be asking? My advice is universal there is no intended gender for it lol

 

Your post was addressed to women.

[elaine567]

Your post was addressed to women.

 

Yes, now backpedaling.

 

Of course if men cheat, it must be the fault of the wife...

Hmmm...

[joystickd]

Yes, now backpedaling.

 

Of course if men cheat, it must be the fault of the wife...

Hmmm...

Reread what I said. I said really ask yourself take cheating out of the picture and was the relationship a good one if it wasn't the figure your contribution to the problems. Irrational women can't use reading comprehension lol

[Gettingbrave]

This has been so eye-opening to say the least..thank you ALL for the amazing insight and for sharing your difficult stories. It's so appreciated..

 

Something that really got me thinking is how the self-esteem of a person affects their ability to be strong in the face of temptation. So much.

 

My husband has good self-esteem on the surface level, but he does certain passive-aggressive things which concern me because that's a tell-tale sign of conflict avoidance, right?

 

It makes me wonder if deep down, he is more insecure than not and it makes me wonder how he would be in a potentially negative situation.

I never associated some if his annoying attributes to low self-esteem, but it could be the case.

 

Wow. How does one remedy THAT!? I saw someone said you cannot control your spouse only your own actions. So true...and scary.

 

Hearing that some men stray, even in apparently happy marriages, freaks me out. This all stems from my husband being away on business recently and how I feel about it, as it's a trigger for me. (Early on our marriage a friend revealed that she knew he was unfaithful while he was away for the weekend with friends..while I was pregnant:(

 

He still denies it, but it's hard to believe. We were having very, very little sex and I was oblivious to him needing it. He never asked, nor tried to initiate.

So I suppose it just felt normal, like people don't have sex much while pregnant. Looking back, I can't believe I was SO naive and that he was so weak as to not ask or bring it up. He STILL won't bring up problems...ever. It's ALWAYS me.

 

Anyways, I just wonder what can be done to keep this from happening again..the unfaithfulness.

Even though we were super young and dumb then, the residual effects linger on, seemingly forever. My self confidence was totally shot, although now I understand that it should have zero to do with him. It's hard to realize that fact though.

 

And if any men truly want to know what THEY can do to keep their woman from straying, there are some things to suggest. Nothing is foolproof, but from what I've experienced and learned in my marriage, I do have some potentially valuable info.

[Lady2163]

This has been so eye-opening to say the least..thank you ALL for the amazing insight and for sharing your difficult stories. It's so appreciated..

 

Something that really got me thinking is how the self-esteem of a person affects their ability to be strong in the face of temptation. So much.

 

My husband has good self-esteem on the surface level, but he does certain passive-aggressive things which concern me because that's a tell-tale sign of conflict avoidance, right?

 

It makes me wonder if deep down, he is more insecure than not and it makes me wonder how he would be in a potentially negative situation.

I never associated some if his annoying attributes to low self-esteem, but it could be the case.

 

Wow. How does one remedy THAT!? I saw someone said you cannot control your spouse only your own actions. So true...and scary.

 

Hearing that some men stray, even in apparently happy marriages, freaks me out. This all stems from my husband being away on business recently and how I feel about it, as it's a trigger for me. (Early on our marriage a friend revealed that she knew he was unfaithful while he was away for the weekend with friends..while I was pregnant:(

 

He still denies it, but it's hard to believe. We were having very, very little sex and I was oblivious to him needing it. He never asked, nor tried to initiate.

So I suppose it just felt normal, like people don't have sex much while pregnant. Looking back, I can't believe I was SO naive and that he was so weak as to not ask or bring it up. He STILL won't bring up problems...ever. It's ALWAYS me.

 

Anyways, I just wonder what can be done to keep this from happening again..the unfaithfulness.

Even though we were super young and dumb then, the residual effects linger on, seemingly forever. My self confidence was totally shot, although now I understand that it should have zero to do with him. It's hard to realize that fact though.

 

And if any men truly want to know what THEY can do to keep their woman from straying, there are some things to suggest. Nothing is foolproof, but from what I've experienced and learned in my marriage, I do have some potentially valuable info.

 

I'm female, so my perspective will be as such.

 

From my experience, both as someone who was unhappily married and as a single OW, there are things a wife can do which will make cheating more palatable. It's a sensitive topic that leads many raw. I don't know that my husband cheated, pardon ex husband, but I really couldn't blame him if he did. Our sex life sucked, I tried to fix it and have up. I positively don't remember the last time we had sex. He did beg for it. It was just so awful for me and he was so selfish in and out of the bedroom, that I wasn't even a little interested. Time and again he showed me he didn't love me, why on earth would I let him use my body to make him feel good?

 

So, yes lack of sex, lack of variety, instituting limitations (no blowjobs) can be a primary reason

A few other things that can lead to bigger problems (not saying all these lead to an affair, just they create stress in the adult unit and may make either partner look for a sympathetic ear)

Spending too much money or money problems

Not spending any time together - no date nights

Always putting the kids first

Taking them for granted

Not asking about their day, not including them in your day or the kids day.

 

Obviously, not all inclusive.

 

As far as a "friend" telling you your husband cheated on you while your were pregnant, unless she was there, how do you know? I don't need an answer and I'm not defending your husband, I just question the motivation of the friend. And where she heard it from.

 

It sounds to me your question is also: what are the signs of an affair, but I don't want to hijack your thread.

[Midwestmissy]

My husband didn't have a problem with the marriage - he had a problem with himself. The marriage was in a rough spot, but he didn't want it to end - if that had been what he wanted, he would have ended it, or seen a divorce lawyer or asked me to separate. We started therapy when the affair started - because he didn't want to lose the marriage. Needless to say, being on the phone with his AP right before and right after the sessions wasn't helpful. I think he wanted to impress the AP about what a devoted husband he was - totally nuts. Interestingly, I did see a lawyer to get a separation agreement during the affair (I was unaware - I thought he was hiding money - I knew he was being deceitful, it was just all so strange)- and he flipped out about saving the marriage. While in the affair. Yet I didn't have an affair. He was just hiding from tough decisions. And when I found out, the AP went directly under the bus.

 

So blaming the other spouse is just a p$$$$y thing people say, really. He had countless options, but just took the toddler one. I worked my behind off to save the marriage. But one person can't prevent it, and love can't prevent it.