Commitment Phobe? How to move forward...

[goodriddance]

I don't want to come across this again either. It's so hars to explain the certainty and sincerity you feel with these men. Makes me feel I was hypnotized or something.

 

I didn't even get into the sexual stuff... something is going on besides CP. From what you read does it sound like control issues too? The need to feel the attention from multiple women? ugh.

 

Ilovemefirst - are you with the same guy now?

[katiegrl]

 

I guess I more or less just wanted to make sure he actually does have issues and it's not just a "he's not that into you" situation.

 

It's actually both.

 

He is super into you, until you get too close ...after which he starts feeling suffocated, boxed in.....and, as such, becomes *not* so into you.

 

So he ends it telling you he is not ready for RL after all ....then after some time away, feels relief, starts to miss you ...and, as such, becomes into you again.

 

So you take him back and the whole thing starts all over again !

 

It's a constant back and forth/push pull.

 

He's into you, then not into you, then into you, then not....as I said it's utter lunacy and crazy making!

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[goodriddance]

I will never understand that mindset. Especially because both ends of the spectrum are SO extreme.

 

I feel used! What a jerk.

[katiegrl]

I will never understand that mindset. Especially because both ends of the spectrum are SO extreme.

 

I feel used! What a jerk.

 

Yes he IS a jerk!

 

Pick up the books I suggested earlier.

 

Especially "Men Who Can't Love."

 

It's a great read and very enlightening.... describes CP to a tee!

 

It was a best seller for years.

 

It's still in print, Amazon.com.

 

*He's Scared, She's Scared" is excellent too. Another best seller.

 

Happy reading!!

[goodriddance]

Thanks, katiegrl!!!

 

Before reading just want to make sure he is in fact a CP.

 

But could be a good read either way!

[katiegrl]

Thanks, katiegrl!!!

 

Before reading just want to make sure he is in fact a CP.

 

But could be a good read either way!

 

Once you start reading, you will be like Yes! A Ha!!

 

So so many similar stories to yours ....you will be amazed.

 

It's such a great read and as I said very enlightening.

 

Stay strong!

[ilovemefirst]

I don't want to come across this again either. It's so hars to explain the certainty and sincerity you feel with these men. Makes me feel I was hypnotized or something.

 

I didn't even get into the sexual stuff... something is going on besides CP. From what you read does it sound like control issues too? The need to feel the attention from multiple women? ugh.

 

Ilovemefirst - are you with the same guy now?

 

goodriddance, yes i am with him still. Its been 2 years now and going strong. He was a CP for a little over a year. I never suspected another woman, bc we spent so much time together and i did trust him. He was more focused on his goals, which i loved about him. I didnt feel i was completing with other women and that made it easy for me.

[goodriddance]

It always help me to hear (or read) other people tell me certain things. Maybe that's a form of not having a big enough confidence level, but it helps solidify that it's NOT my fault. And it's NOT me.

 

He would always tell me that I was the best at everything. And ok, who is to know that for sure but I KNOW I have amazing qualities. He would say I'm the best supporter, so caring, very understanding, cooking/baking and of course sex. Even the way I smell. Would laugh at my jokes. The way I walked/talked. When people call out these little things about you that NO one would really mention before... it sticks with you. Makes you feel great. Makes you think this person is noticing everything about you and is LOVING you.

 

So now I'm like.... Wait.... Am I good at those things? Can he do better? It messes with my head.

 

Help!!!

[goodriddance]

goodriddance, yes i am with him still. Its been 2 years now and going strong. He was a CP for a little over a year. I never suspected another woman, bc we spent so much time together and i did trust him. He was more focused on his goals, which i loved about him. I didnt feel i was completing with other women and that made it easy for me.

 

Hmmm... he sounds like a small case of CP. Or possibly just "unsure" for anime T and had a typical guy freak out. The fact you guys are still together is great! But he doesn't sound CP to me. At least not as extreme as my case.

 

Ugh. How the heck did I get caught up in someone like this?

[katiegrl]

It always help me to hear (or read) other people tell me certain things. Maybe that's a form of not having a big enough confidence level, but it helps solidify that it's NOT my fault. And it's NOT me.

 

He would always tell me that I was the best at everything. And ok, who is to know that for sure but I KNOW I have amazing qualities. He would say I'm the best supporter, so caring, very understanding, cooking/baking and of course sex. Even the way I smell. Would laugh at my jokes. The way I walked/talked. When people call out these little things about you that NO one would really mention before... it sticks with you. Makes you feel great. Makes you think this person is noticing everything about you and is LOVING you.

 

So now I'm like.... Wait.... Am I good at those things? Can he do better? It messes with my head.

 

Help!!!

 

Right, in his mind you were nearly *perfect*.

 

But perfect scares him because perfect girl = committed relationship.

 

I mean what man is his right mind is NOT gonna want a relationship with such a perfect girl like yourself?

 

But this man is not in his right mind. He has a fear of commitment.

 

So he starts looking for flaws, then suddenly you become not so perfect.

 

Then he breaks up with you!

 

Then as I said, after some time ...he feels relief from the anxiety, the expectations...and starts to miss you!

 

Then wants you back. You take him back. It's great for a few months until he starts feeling emotionally suffocated again. The responsibility, the expectations, loss of freedom....etc....so once again he starts to find flaws making you not so perfect again and ends it.

 

This happened three times in one year!

 

Make sure there isn't a fourth time gr. Block delete whatever you need to do.

 

The book I suggested explains it all and then some!

 

He is a classic CP. Classic! Textbook!

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[mikeylo]

Commitment phone guys , when they are ready , they are ready before the girl is and walk the talk like never before. Trust me, if you were the girl for him , he would have locked you down long ago and not waited for 2 years.This is a very long time! Such guys usually keep it for a year or so. Then they run.

 

Sorry to say but you are not the girl for him , and he is not the guy for you. Don't waste any more time on him. Let him go and you move on.

 

You will find your right match and so will he, when it's meant to be. I hate these cliche terms but for CP guys , it really is about with the girl they were meant to be. The only issue is when !

[katiegrl]

Commitment phone guys , when they are ready , they are ready before the girl is and walk the talk like never before. Trust me, if you were the girl for him , he would have locked you down long ago and not waited for 2 years.This is a very long time! Such guys usually keep it for a year or so. Then they run.

 

Sorry to say but you are not the girl for him , and he is not the guy for you. Don't waste any more time on him. Let him go and you move on.

 

You will find your right match and so will he, when it's meant to be. I hate these cliche terms but for CP guys , it really is about with the girl they were meant to be. The only issue is when !

 

When you are a CP.....no girl will *ever* be the *right* girl..

 

There will always always be something wrong....eventually, usually as the relationship intensifies and heads for .....commitment. Unless such girl's fear is greater than his. And she doesn't expect commitment. With a girl like that, the fear doesn't kick in because she expects no commitment so he feels emotionally safe with her.

 

I know it makes no sense, that is why you read the books! To understand it and try to make some sense of it, by reading stories similar to yours (the OP's) and learning.

 

Anyway....his fear is why he broke his engagement. His fear is why he ended all his other relationships.

 

That is why he will never be able to commit, to any girl.

 

He has a fear of commitment, which is very very real.

 

mikeylo, I agree with you about one thing. GR *will* find a great man, her right match.

 

But first she needs to move on from this one.....by blocking and deleting...and extricating him from her consciousness.

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[ilovemefirst]

Believe me, he was a huge commitment phoebe in the beginning. It took losing me to realize that he has to work on himself in order to get me back. Even then, he would often say the thought of marriage makes him shake alot..but he says the feeling without me is even worse.

[mikeylo]

It's not that cast in stone ! I've know quite a few CP men in my lifetime and can vouch for the fact that most of them do commit with a certain type of girl.It is dependent on a lot of factors which are within him but a particular girl brings them out for him.

 

There are some , the forever CP, though far and few. For some it happens later in life but when it happens , it happens. The past then seems to them as a life wasted as it could have been bliss 'if' they had found the girl earlier, etc.

 

They are best staying broken up but both will find someone who bring out the best in them, not the worst, like here.

[goodriddance]

Hey mikeylo, I totally get what you're saying. But his actions are beyond bizarre. I think it goes past the "it's just not the right girl/guy". Like I said he has some other things going on as well. Control issues. Sexual past. Commitment issues. And who knows if we were together longer, more things could have come up.

 

I know the only solution, either way, is to move on. That's best for everyone involved. But it helps me to understand the "why" first. Helps me move on and to build my confidence back up.

 

With someone who is THAT hot and cold, it isn't about it not being "right". It's about something deeper... say commitment issues.

[TheScientist]

It's not that cast in stone ! I've know quite a few CP men in my lifetime and can vouch for the fact that most of them do commit with a certain type of girl.It is dependent on a lot of factors which are within him but a particular girl brings them out for him.

 

There are some , the forever CP, though far and few. For some it happens later in life but when it happens , it happens. The past then seems to them as a life wasted as it could have been bliss 'if' they had found the girl earlier, etc.

 

They are best staying broken up but both will find someone who bring out the best in them, not the worst, like here.

 

You know what I think what the worst thing is about some CP's?

 

It's the awful contradictory behaviour and mixed messages, even at the end and beyond. Now yes even though the contradictory 'say one thing does another' behaviour alone should be enough for any logical person to conclude this person just doesn't want to/can't commit - but considering a CP's partner has been put through months of hot and cold behaviour, they probably aren't thinking too straight, they for whatever reason, may it be the fact the can't commit to any choice, always make it seem like you are the best they will ever have, even as they dump you, and the poor girls are left there dangled on a string.

 

They then start dating other people almost immediately which then not only destroys their old partner, but sweeps away any hope with a huge tornado of rejection.

 

:mad::mad:

[mikeylo]

You do have all the whys needed to move on -- control issues , CP, sexual past. Those should be enough to move on and not look back again.

 

If you are looking for answers as to why he has these issues, leave them for him to sort out or a therapist. Not your job. If you guys had clicked and he had realized his issues and discussed with you , then you could have helped him. But this hasn't happened , so let go of looking for answers that have no consequence to you. For him to open up about these issues means being able to trust someone deeply. He will , whom he trusts. It's not about you being not trustworthy. It's about him being able to get that feeling with you or not.

 

Anyway, you are wasting time over someone who is long gone.

[goodriddance]

You know what I think what the worst thing is about some CP's?

 

It's the awful contradictory behaviour and mixed messages, even at the end and beyond. Now yes even though the contradictory 'say one thing does another' behaviour alone should be enough for any logical person to conclude this person just doesn't want to/can't commit - but considering a CP's partner has been put through months of hot and cold behaviour, they probably aren't thinking too straight, they for whatever reason, may it be the fact the can't commit to any choice, always make it seem like you are the best they will ever have, even as they dump you, and the poor girls are left there dangled on a string.

 

They then start dating other people almost immediately which then not only destroys their old partner, but sweeps away any hope with a huge tornado of rejection.

 

:mad::mad:

 

Yep. It's true. The thing with him tho... is he will TELL them he's not looking for a relationship. When he's in his right mind, he IS honest. However, when he's not he gets scatter brained and "in his head". He told me about his past; childhood, breaking off engagement, his other "crazy" ex girlfriends, and his sexual past. Him telling me "I don't want to date anymore" TOLD me he WAS ready to settle. I KNOW that I am different. I KNOW he knows I'm different too. But again... his fear took over.

 

Sad thing is, he's going to go out there... have sex with women who are willing to have a "one night stand" and keep going.

 

It makes me really sad. To think he's throwing away something that really could have (and was) great.

 

blech.

[goodriddance]

You do have all the whys needed to move on -- control issues , CP, sexual past. Those should be enough to move on and not look back again.

 

If you are looking for answers as to why he has these issues, leave them for him to sort out or a therapist. Not your job. If you guys had clicked and he had realized his issues and discussed with you , then you could have helped him. But this hasn't happened , so let go of looking for answers that have no consequence to you. For him to open up about these issues means being able to trust someone deeply. He will , whom he trusts. It's not about you being not trustworthy. It's about him being able to get that feeling with you or not.

 

Anyway, you are wasting time over someone who is long gone.

 

Again, I understand what you're saying. He trusted me. He DID open up to me about stuff like that, but in subtle ways. We would talk about this stuff and at the time it was sorted out/figured out.

[TheScientist]

Yep. It's true. The thing with him tho... is he will TELL them he's not looking for a relationship. When he's in his right mind, he IS honest. However, when he's not he gets scatter brained and "in his head". He told me about his past; childhood, breaking off engagement, his other "crazy" ex girlfriends, and his sexual past. Him telling me "I don't want to date anymore" TOLD me he WAS ready to settle. I KNOW that I am different. I KNOW he knows I'm different too. But again... his fear took over.

 

Sad thing is, he's going to go out there... have sex with women who are willing to have a "one night stand" and keep going.

 

It makes me really sad. To think he's throwing away something that really could have (and was) great.

 

blech.

 

Right there with you darling, in that exact place at that moment. Makes you super sad doesn't it, doesn't stop you seeing things as they are, but certainly makes me sad.

 

xxx

[katiegrl]

It's not that cast in stone !

 

 

 

*** I've know quite a few CP men in my lifetime and can vouch for the fact that most of them do commit with a certain type of girl***

 

 

 

.It is dependent on a lot of factors which are within him but a particular girl brings them out for him.

 

There are some , the forever CP, though far and few. For some it happens later in life but when it happens , it happens. The past then seems to them as a life wasted as it could have been bliss 'if' they had found the girl earlier, etc.

 

They are best staying broken up but both will find someone who bring out the best in them, not the worst, like here.

 

Quote above in asterisk. Yes I agree...they do commit to a *certain type of girl*. A girl who has fears of her own.

 

In such relationships, both people need an inordinate amount of space. That is why they work.

[Itspointless]

You feel as though you are loved while at the same time being kept at arms length, and especially in bed. Sure, they cuddle, they have sex, but there's detachment. You feel it.

 

This guy may still be a commitment phobe, but not the kind you should feel sorry for. If it's too smooth, too good, it's bull****.

I can agree with the first sentence. I felt that with my ex (a woman), not in the very beginning though.

 

For the rest I am not sure redhead, I think it depends on the severity of the avoidance issues. I guess there are also dismissive-avoidants who have learned what to say to get their lusts met. I only have scanned the story by OP, but I think that he indeed deserves no sympathy if he was able to talk like that. It sounds like he knows what his problems are but in the end does not give a sh#t.

 

I have said it before some people need a mark on their forehead, 'approach on your own risk'. He sounds like one of the people in need of such a mark, until he does address his fear of abandonment.

[goodriddance]

I can agree with the first sentence. I felt that with my ex (a woman), not in the very beginning though.

 

For the rest I am not sure redhead, I think it depends on the severity of the avoidance issues. I guess there are also dismissive-avoidants who have learned what to say to get their lusts met. I only have scanned the story by OP, but I think that he indeed deserves no sympathy if he was able to talk like that. It sounds like he knows what his problems are but in the end does not give a sh#t.

 

I have said it before some people need a mark on their forehead, 'approach on your own risk'. He sounds like one of the people in need of such a mark, until he does address his fear of abandonment.

 

What's OPs story? Would you say it's similar with my ex?

[katiegrl]

What's OPs story? Would you say it's similar with my ex?

 

goodriddance, you are the OP. (Original Poster). :)

 

It is very common to refer to original poster that way. Not meant to be offensive.

[Itspointless]

What's OPs story? Would you say it's similar with my ex?

Hi goodriddance, sorry for the code it baffled me too in the beginning. OP Stands for original poster: I meant you.

 

Lately their are many threads in this forum about people with dismissive-avoidant attachment. The term commitment phobe is generally used for a somewhat broader range of people who flee relationships for whatever reason.