Commitment Phobe? How to move forward...

[goodriddance]

First... this isn't going to be short since I want to include most of the details so I can hopefully get some guidance on how to move forward... thanks in advance.

 

I was in a 1 year relationship with this man and 2 weeks ago was breakup #3. I fell hard for him and it was the same for him. Our connection and chemistry was something I had NEVER felt before. Nothing has ever came close to it.

 

I will preface by saying he owns his own businesses (3 of them). To me, he came off 100% driven and motivated to make sure these businesses are successful, which is something I look for in a man. I will also note that he was engaged once and broke it off a month before the wedding because “it didn’t feel right”. Also, he broke up with his last long term girlfriend twice. When talking about past relationships, he said the women were "insecure" and that's why it didn't work out. He's very reactive and changes his mind a lot (from what to eat for dinner to being in a relationship to who knows what else). I will also say there wasn't ONE time I felt he was cheating. And I still don't think he cheated. When things were good things were AMAZING. Then the energy would start to shift.... here are the details:

 

We met on a dating website. The day I met him was like a dream. We both could not stop smiling. We had an INSTANT connection and chemistry. Our first kiss was literally out of a book. We made each other laugh. Talked about our history and passions, etc. He was direct and open about himself and the way he felt about me. He pursued me 100%. We hung out basically every day. Talked constantly. I was never worried about what was going on in his head because he would tell me everything. When we first started dating and throughout our relationships, he'd say things like:

 

"I don't want to date anymore" (which to me meant he was ready to meet ONE person to settle down with).

"I've never felt this connection with someone before"

"You have the touch that paralyzes me" (when we started getting physical... I know it's physical but I literally FELT the words he was saying)... weird I know.

"I see you as a high value woman".

"I'm so vulnerable with you"

"You're a good woman".

 

After 1 month, he wanted exclusivity. Things were great. He had to travel for work a lot when we first met, but it didn't bother me cause I liked my space and supported him. And knowing how he felt about me I wasn't afraid on what he was doing and knew he'd be back. The second trip he took, he was gone for 2.5 weeks. His trips were always "TBD" meaning he'd have to leave at a moment's notice and wasn't sure how long he'd be gone (characteristic of a CP....?). Didn't bother me since again... I wanted to support him. Three months into the relationship, he got back from his trip and he wanted to see me right away. Things were great, he was jet lagged, but I was happy to see him. However, I wasn't sure if it was the jet lag or something else, but I felt off with him. He was distant while away and I felt it when he got back. He was in his head. Something was off. We had plans for dinner that Friday night, he calls me Thursday and says "he decided last minute he should go visit family during the holiday weekend "because it was a good time for him to go". This was after he was gone for 2.5 weeks. I was super bummed, but was understanding. He said to come over cause he wanted to see me before he left. He gave me the gift he bought while overseas. Both very sweet gifts (he also got me a gift from the first trip he went on when we first started dating).

 

Anyways, when he got back for this work trip, 3 months into the relationship, on his way back home, he called me DURING HIS LAYOVER and said "he thought about it on the plane, needs to listen to his gut and he doesn't feel he can be in a long term relationship right now and he can't be exclusive". I was in complete shock. Night and day from what it was a few weeks prior. I was heartbroken but didn't fight it as we were only dating for 3 months at that point and wanted to respect his decision. But then I got to thinking...he broke up with me over the phone and I wanted a face to face convo. I truly felt things were awesome and wanted to talk to know what went wrong. And I didn't want that to be the last time I saw him. I texted him asking if we could talk when he got back. He said absolutely and "when he knows when he's heading back he'll reach out". Again has no concrete plans... A few days go by, he txts me when he gets home, but no mention of meeting up. I decided to take a last minute trip to get out of my routine. A few days later, and the day before I leave, he txts me randomly basically saying he misses me (called out an inside joke we had). I don't respond right away... I waited 4 days as I was "having a blast out of town". ha.

 

We meet up the day I got back and the second we saw each other we knew breaking up wasn’t the answer. I felt it. He felt it. After catching up, he told me he acted in haste, freaked out about being in a relationship and "his friends were telling him it's fun to be single in the summer", but he missed me... Before he met me he was in his bachelor mode and hooking up with chics. (Side Note: he has a sexual past. I won't get into detail unless I need to). Overall, I got the impression he didn’t expect to meet a woman like me. Caring, understanding, cool, laid back, confident, and pretty. We instantly knew we wanted to get back together. For the next few days, he would reassure me he wants me, he likes me, he wants to be with me. That was the LAST thing I expected... getting back together.

 

We dated a few more months, he brought me to his best friend’s wedding where I met all his close friends and family. That weekend he told me he loved me. It was seriously magical. A weekend to remember and it was then where I thought… okay this is it. I met my guy. He later told me the day we got back together, he knew when he saw me that he wanted to bring me to this wedding. And he knew he loved me. In my head..... this was real. And this was going to be amazing.

 

A few more months pass and I start to feel the distance again while he's away on a trip. Similar to how he acted before we broke up the first time. I tried not to let my fears take hold... but my gut said something was wrong. He was extremely stressed with work, traveled a lot in July/August for 2-3 weeks at a time. Came back and I could tell his mind was 100% focused on business. Then he hit a breaking point and lost a huge section of business. When he told me this I asked if everyone was okay and I remember he specifically said "I totally got this. I work well under these conditions". Then later I find out he was upset that I wasn't there for him, when HE was pushing me away....??? Then there was 3-4 days where he straight up ignored me then said he couldn't handle the relationship, but of course I was very understanding that he was stressed out. He said he wants to "sleep on it". He calls me the next day and says he's going through a lot right now. I told him I understood and I'm here for him. He said "gah why are you so cool and chill?". We end up going to dinner the next day and things seemed okay. Then a week later he randomly ends it because he said he wanted to “start from square one”. Which for him meant be single, go out and meet women…. just like he did before when his business was booming. He thought if he started from square one that he would be successful again. I was heart broken all over again.

 

This time I didn’t reach out for a conversation. It was done. However a week later I had to put my dog down of 9 years. Long story short he saw a Facebook post and immediately called me to make sure I was okay. We ended up seeing each other and he told me how much he missed me. Said very seriously "please sit down, I want to tell you what all has been going on in my head". Said he was wrong about needing to start from square one. He told me he associated being hungry for business with attacking the opposite sex. But he realized he didn’t need to do that anymore. Cause he had me. He said "I value you. You're supportive. You're a good woman". He asked if I could forgive him. I told him he made me feel disposable and he said he never wanted me to feel that way again. He asked me if I'd take him back... He said everything I needed him to say without me having to tell him (which isn't what I planned, but it was almost like he read my mind!). I took him back again.

 

We had a few great months, the holidays (which we spent separately and his reasoning was "not this year but next year". He was very sweet to me. We spent a lot of time together. Then after a few more months, I noticed the distance and change of energy. However, BEFORE this happened, he told me work was about to get very busy. He was VERY communicative on the details which he hadn't been before, and I figured he was learning and growing from the past. Then he went from being with me almost everyday to spending most of the weekdays staying home "to focus Monday through Friday". Hmmm... ok... I felt neglected but also wanted to support him. When we did see each other I felt things were okay, but something was off again but tried not to get paranoid like I did in the past. However there were days where I opened up my feelings and told him I felt worried cause this is how he'd act in the past and I wanted to tell him how I felt. We always talked about how important communication is and how being open is necessary. He reassured me that all is good, he's confident with us, and he's just focused on work. Told me "this is how he is when he gets focused". So I chalked it up to my paranoia and fear of the past happening again... and I calmed myself down.

 

One week where he was very distant, he then said he was looking forward to our trip that weekend. We had a wedding to go to out of state and we were both very excited. He asked me to iron his shirt (at times I felt I was his little servant... however I loved being with him. But thinking back he'd joke and say "a wife never has a hot meal"... meaning she's always up serving the husband. Ugh.). and I casually asked "hey babe, what do you think about marriage?" I mean... we were AT a wedding, it just came to mind. I wasn't even planning a wedding and was in NO rush to get married. His response? "Babe you know how I feel." I said "nope I don't...." but had a feeling I'd knew what he'd say. He had this ON GOING joke about wanting a "harem of women" and I'd be the "top woman". We would also joke about "side chicks". But sometimes it just wasn't funny (again I had NO fear he was cheating, but the fact he'd say this stuff would worry me he wasn't serious about me or us). So I said just that. I needed to stand up for myself at this point. No more "chill girl". I calmly told him I felt he wasn't taking me seriously, he just had me to help pass the time, and his jokes weren't funny anymore. He sat down next to me, explained that of course he takes me seriously and that he "brought me to a wedding during the first few months of dating and is hear with me now". Okay.... good. At the time I felt that was a good thing, but thinking back... he didn't say how he FELT about us. It's heartbreaking to think I didn't see this stuff sooner. Anyways, then he asked what my expectations were and I said I didn't believe in timelines and as long as we are happy and moving forward that's all that matters. He asked what I meant by moving forward and I said "when we're both ready, probably next step is move in together?". I asked what his expectations where and he said he didn't have any, just taking it day by day. That hurt.......................... a lot. But at the time I didn't think anything of it. Man I feel like a fool now... The wedding was a BLAST. So much fun. I drank too much cause I was having too much fun and wasn't paying attention. I felt sad at the end of the night cause of my dog and he didn't show any sympathy towards me because apparently I was "mean" to him before and he knew I was trying to get him to feel sorry for me? It was SO odd.... but again I was drunk. I apologized in the morning and we were fine. He took care of me that day as well. And he said he had a great time and told me he loved me at the end of the weekend.

 

So we get back home... and he goes back to being distant. One night, he said "we are going here for dinner and I'll be ready at this time". Very direct, which I liked... So I'm ready and AN HOUR goes by.... he was apparently getting a drink with a client and said "I didn't want to cut the guy off. I'm leaving in 10 min!" It made me feel like 2nd choice. But again... possibly couldn't even commit to dinner and the fact that I picked the restaurant probably freaked him out.

 

I also noticed he started saying/doing things to try and get a reaction out of me. Almost like he was pushing me away on purpose. Didn't accept a picture on facebook because he "didn't like it". But then accepted another picture and teased me about whether or not he'd add it or not. He added it, but teasing me was not funny. But then that same day he calls me into the room and tells me how much he loves me, cares about me, and appreciates me (I was making us dinner). But just the back and forth... nice/mean/touchy feely/withdrawn. It hurts now to think that’s what he was doing… he'd make little comments that seemed kind of mean, but not mean enough for me to want to leave him or freak out at him...

 

A week later, I asked him if wanted to get dinner with a few friends (who he knows and liked) for a birthday. I said if it didn't work that night we could go another night. He went from wanting to chill after a long work week to wanting to go out and be social to getting frustrated that we didn't pick the place that was in his "range" of spending and said "I knew I should have said no". Here I am, just excited to SEE him and didn't care WHAT we did. He also told me he wasn't feeling intimate because he's "so focused on work and he doesn't feel sexual. He didn't want it to be awkward". I told him I understood... but felt neglected.

 

The next morning, we're in bed and he tells me he wants to take me to get my bday present. That morning we aren't intimate (or anytime that week or the night before). I felt neglected again... I am sexual person and it's even better when it's with someone you love. And it's like he wanted nothing to do with me. I was bummed we weren't intimate. He could hear it in my voice, asked me what was wrong, but I told him I just wasn't feeling well (which I wasn't). He leaves to go make a conference call and we head over to the store.

 

Afterwards we comes back to my apt and he gets so quiet. Finally I ask him what the deal is and he says he doesn’t see himself in a long term relationship and brought up our conversation from the wedding. I reminded him that I DON'T have a timeline. In fact he was the one that said he wanted kids in 2-3 years. Lies. I completely lost it. I was so calm all the other times but not this time. I felt played. Foolish. Told him the last year was a waste of my time and I should have never taken him back. Told him he was a liar. And fake. I was completely shocked. Panicked. I felt so broken down by him and his back and forth decisions. I could see the struggle on his face when he told me this. Almost like he didn't know if he was making the right decision. He even said "I'm not about to say I'm an a-hole or an idiot". This tells me he DID think he was an ahole and an idiot... After crying from both sides (yes he cried at least 3 times...)... we head to the door... the last thing he says is "If this is the last thing I tell you I want you to know I care about you so much. It's just not the right time". Then he hugged me. I hugged him back but said his explanation means nothing to me and have fun hooking up with chics. That hurt him. He left...

 

Now I’m here… 1 year later, completely devastated. Confused. Sad. Angry. And missing him and the good times. He texted me 3 days later (on my birthday) but I deleted it without reading it. Then the next day he removed our pictures from his timeline on facebook, but kept himself tagged.

 

Now I’m not sure where to go from here. Or what to think. Can’t help but think it’s something I did. Or didn’t do. I don't know. After typing out the entire story, I see how manipulative he was and how troubled he actually is.

 

A friend already saw him on a dating app. Which he will use strictly for hookups. That hurts too cause he said when business is crazy he doesn’t feel sexual. What a joke.

 

I know in my heart he truly cared for me and loved me... but it feels like his fears took over many times.

 

Now what……? I want to move forward.

[katiegrl]

Wow he sounds worst case!

 

How you move on? By acknowledging your role in the situation (you took him back three times, so that's on you, right?)....and learning from the experience.

 

Also, realizing that he loved you, and may still love you, but he has ISSUES that were there long before you came along.

 

Also be prepared that he will want you back (again) at some point.

 

I know this one girl who went back and forth with her CP boyfriend for SEVEN years.

 

At the end she was pretty much destroyed emotionally.

 

DON'T be that girl.

 

Block, delete, next.

 

You take care of YOU. Let him worry about resolving his own issues......not your problem.

 

That said, I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

((hugs))

[katiegrl]

Another thing you can do is read as many books and articles as you can about CP....to understand it and prevent yourself from ever experiencing this again.

 

Men Who Can't Love explains CP perfectly and you will read many situations similar to yours.

 

He's Scared She's Scared is another good one.

 

Natalie Lue has written some great books and articles.

 

There are others too.

 

Educate yourself and learn.

 

Seriously though the ONLY thing you did wrong was fall in love with a man with serious issues.... trying to understand him, being patient, caring, loving, etc.... all of which served to actually exacerbate the CP.... because bottom line is, although these men claim all they want is a loving committed RL, when it actually happens and they get into the thick of it.... they panic, feel boxed in, suffocated and run.

 

These men often times end up with women who are even bigger CPs than they are!! He will never feel boxed in and suffocated with her....as she's the one running away. The book He's Scared She's Scared discusses that. Active avoiders vs. passive avoiders.

 

And taking him back three times? Please don't do that again, with ANY man.

 

He breaks up with you.... it's NEXT. For good. No second chances.

 

Block delete.

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

First... this isn't going to be short since I want to include most of the details so I can hopefully get some guidance on how to move forward... thanks in advance.

 

I was in a 1 year relationship with this man and 2 weeks ago was breakup #3. I fell hard for him and it was the same for him. Our connection and chemistry was something I had NEVER felt before. Nothing has ever came close to it.

 

I will preface by saying he owns his own businesses (3 of them). To me, he came off 100% driven and motivated to make sure these businesses are successful, which is something I look for in a man. I will also note that he was engaged once and broke it off a month before the wedding because “it didn’t feel right”. Also, he broke up with his last long term girlfriend twice. When talking about past relationships, he said the women were "insecure" and that's why it didn't work out. He's very reactive and changes his mind a lot (from what to eat for dinner to being in a relationship to who knows what else). I will also say there wasn't ONE time I felt he was cheating. And I still don't think he cheated. When things were good things were AMAZING. Then the energy would start to shift.... here are the details:

 

We met on a dating website. The day I met him was like a dream. We both could not stop smiling. We had an INSTANT connection and chemistry. Our first kiss was literally out of a book. We made each other laugh. Talked about our history and passions, etc. He was direct and open about himself and the way he felt about me. He pursued me 100%. We hung out basically every day. Talked constantly. I was never worried about what was going on in his head because he would tell me everything. When we first started dating and throughout our relationships, he'd say things like:

 

"I don't want to date anymore" (which to me meant he was ready to meet ONE person to settle down with).

"I've never felt this connection with someone before"

"You have the touch that paralyzes me" (when we started getting physical... I know it's physical but I literally FELT the words he was saying)... weird I know.

"I see you as a high value woman".

"I'm so vulnerable with you"

"You're a good woman".

 

After 1 month, he wanted exclusivity. Things were great. He had to travel for work a lot when we first met, but it didn't bother me cause I liked my space and supported him. And knowing how he felt about me I wasn't afraid on what he was doing and knew he'd be back. The second trip he took, he was gone for 2.5 weeks. His trips were always "TBD" meaning he'd have to leave at a moment's notice and wasn't sure how long he'd be gone (characteristic of a CP....?). Didn't bother me since again... I wanted to support him. Three months into the relationship, he got back from his trip and he wanted to see me right away. Things were great, he was jet lagged, but I was happy to see him. However, I wasn't sure if it was the jet lag or something else, but I felt off with him. He was distant while away and I felt it when he got back. He was in his head. Something was off. We had plans for dinner that Friday night, he calls me Thursday and says "he decided last minute he should go visit family during the holiday weekend "because it was a good time for him to go". This was after he was gone for 2.5 weeks. I was super bummed, but was understanding. He said to come over cause he wanted to see me before he left. He gave me the gift he bought while overseas. Both very sweet gifts (he also got me a gift from the first trip he went on when we first started dating).

 

Anyways, when he got back for this work trip, 3 months into the relationship, on his way back home, he called me DURING HIS LAYOVER and said "he thought about it on the plane, needs to listen to his gut and he doesn't feel he can be in a long term relationship right now and he can't be exclusive". I was in complete shock. Night and day from what it was a few weeks prior. I was heartbroken but didn't fight it as we were only dating for 3 months at that point and wanted to respect his decision. But then I got to thinking...he broke up with me over the phone and I wanted a face to face convo. I truly felt things were awesome and wanted to talk to know what went wrong. And I didn't want that to be the last time I saw him. I texted him asking if we could talk when he got back. He said absolutely and "when he knows when he's heading back he'll reach out". Again has no concrete plans... A few days go by, he txts me when he gets home, but no mention of meeting up. I decided to take a last minute trip to get out of my routine. A few days later, and the day before I leave, he txts me randomly basically saying he misses me (called out an inside joke we had). I don't respond right away... I waited 4 days as I was "having a blast out of town". ha.

 

We meet up the day I got back and the second we saw each other we knew breaking up wasn’t the answer. I felt it. He felt it. After catching up, he told me he acted in haste, freaked out about being in a relationship and "his friends were telling him it's fun to be single in the summer", but he missed me... Before he met me he was in his bachelor mode and hooking up with chics. (Side Note: he has a sexual past. I won't get into detail unless I need to). Overall, I got the impression he didn’t expect to meet a woman like me. Caring, understanding, cool, laid back, confident, and pretty. We instantly knew we wanted to get back together. For the next few days, he would reassure me he wants me, he likes me, he wants to be with me. That was the LAST thing I expected... getting back together.

 

We dated a few more months, he brought me to his best friend’s wedding where I met all his close friends and family. That weekend he told me he loved me. It was seriously magical. A weekend to remember and it was then where I thought… okay this is it. I met my guy. He later told me the day we got back together, he knew when he saw me that he wanted to bring me to this wedding. And he knew he loved me. In my head..... this was real. And this was going to be amazing.

 

A few more months pass and I start to feel the distance again while he's away on a trip. Similar to how he acted before we broke up the first time. I tried not to let my fears take hold... but my gut said something was wrong. He was extremely stressed with work, traveled a lot in July/August for 2-3 weeks at a time. Came back and I could tell his mind was 100% focused on business. Then he hit a breaking point and lost a huge section of business. When he told me this I asked if everyone was okay and I remember he specifically said "I totally got this. I work well under these conditions". Then later I find out he was upset that I wasn't there for him, when HE was pushing me away....??? Then there was 3-4 days where he straight up ignored me then said he couldn't handle the relationship, but of course I was very understanding that he was stressed out. He said he wants to "sleep on it". He calls me the next day and says he's going through a lot right now. I told him I understood and I'm here for him. He said "gah why are you so cool and chill?". We end up going to dinner the next day and things seemed okay. Then a week later he randomly ends it because he said he wanted to “start from square one”. Which for him meant be single, go out and meet women…. just like he did before when his business was booming. He thought if he started from square one that he would be successful again. I was heart broken all over again.

 

This time I didn’t reach out for a conversation. It was done. However a week later I had to put my dog down of 9 years. Long story short he saw a Facebook post and immediately called me to make sure I was okay. We ended up seeing each other and he told me how much he missed me. Said very seriously "please sit down, I want to tell you what all has been going on in my head". Said he was wrong about needing to start from square one. He told me he associated being hungry for business with attacking the opposite sex. But he realized he didn’t need to do that anymore. Cause he had me. He said "I value you. You're supportive. You're a good woman". He asked if I could forgive him. I told him he made me feel disposable and he said he never wanted me to feel that way again. He asked me if I'd take him back... He said everything I needed him to say without me having to tell him (which isn't what I planned, but it was almost like he read my mind!). I took him back again.

 

We had a few great months, the holidays (which we spent separately and his reasoning was "not this year but next year". He was very sweet to me. We spent a lot of time together. Then after a few more months, I noticed the distance and change of energy. However, BEFORE this happened, he told me work was about to get very busy. He was VERY communicative on the details which he hadn't been before, and I figured he was learning and growing from the past. Then he went from being with me almost everyday to spending most of the weekdays staying home "to focus Monday through Friday". Hmmm... ok... I felt neglected but also wanted to support him. When we did see each other I felt things were okay, but something was off again but tried not to get paranoid like I did in the past. However there were days where I opened up my feelings and told him I felt worried cause this is how he'd act in the past and I wanted to tell him how I felt. We always talked about how important communication is and how being open is necessary. He reassured me that all is good, he's confident with us, and he's just focused on work. Told me "this is how he is when he gets focused". So I chalked it up to my paranoia and fear of the past happening again... and I calmed myself down.

 

One week where he was very distant, he then said he was looking forward to our trip that weekend. We had a wedding to go to out of state and we were both very excited. He asked me to iron his shirt (at times I felt I was his little servant... however I loved being with him. But thinking back he'd joke and say "a wife never has a hot meal"... meaning she's always up serving the husband. Ugh.). and I casually asked "hey babe, what do you think about marriage?" I mean... we were AT a wedding, it just came to mind. I wasn't even planning a wedding and was in NO rush to get married. His response? "Babe you know how I feel." I said "nope I don't...." but had a feeling I'd knew what he'd say. He had this ON GOING joke about wanting a "harem of women" and I'd be the "top woman". We would also joke about "side chicks". But sometimes it just wasn't funny (again I had NO fear he was cheating, but the fact he'd say this stuff would worry me he wasn't serious about me or us). So I said just that. I needed to stand up for myself at this point. No more "chill girl". I calmly told him I felt he wasn't taking me seriously, he just had me to help pass the time, and his jokes weren't funny anymore. He sat down next to me, explained that of course he takes me seriously and that he "brought me to a wedding during the first few months of dating and is hear with me now". Okay.... good. At the time I felt that was a good thing, but thinking back... he didn't say how he FELT about us. It's heartbreaking to think I didn't see this stuff sooner. Anyways, then he asked what my expectations were and I said I didn't believe in timelines and as long as we are happy and moving forward that's all that matters. He asked what I meant by moving forward and I said "when we're both ready, probably next step is move in together?". I asked what his expectations where and he said he didn't have any, just taking it day by day. That hurt.......................... a lot. But at the time I didn't think anything of it. Man I feel like a fool now... The wedding was a BLAST. So much fun. I drank too much cause I was having too much fun and wasn't paying attention. I felt sad at the end of the night cause of my dog and he didn't show any sympathy towards me because apparently I was "mean" to him before and he knew I was trying to get him to feel sorry for me? It was SO odd.... but again I was drunk. I apologized in the morning and we were fine. He took care of me that day as well. And he said he had a great time and told me he loved me at the end of the weekend.

 

So we get back home... and he goes back to being distant. One night, he said "we are going here for dinner and I'll be ready at this time". Very direct, which I liked... So I'm ready and AN HOUR goes by.... he was apparently getting a drink with a client and said "I didn't want to cut the guy off. I'm leaving in 10 min!" It made me feel like 2nd choice. But again... possibly couldn't even commit to dinner and the fact that I picked the restaurant probably freaked him out.

 

I also noticed he started saying/doing things to try and get a reaction out of me. Almost like he was pushing me away on purpose. Didn't accept a picture on facebook because he "didn't like it". But then accepted another picture and teased me about whether or not he'd add it or not. He added it, but teasing me was not funny. But then that same day he calls me into the room and tells me how much he loves me, cares about me, and appreciates me (I was making us dinner). But just the back and forth... nice/mean/touchy feely/withdrawn. It hurts now to think that’s what he was doing… he'd make little comments that seemed kind of mean, but not mean enough for me to want to leave him or freak out at him...

 

A week later, I asked him if wanted to get dinner with a few friends (who he knows and liked) for a birthday. I said if it didn't work that night we could go another night. He went from wanting to chill after a long work week to wanting to go out and be social to getting frustrated that we didn't pick the place that was in his "range" of spending and said "I knew I should have said no". Here I am, just excited to SEE him and didn't care WHAT we did. He also told me he wasn't feeling intimate because he's "so focused on work and he doesn't feel sexual. He didn't want it to be awkward". I told him I understood... but felt neglected.

 

The next morning, we're in bed and he tells me he wants to take me to get my bday present. That morning we aren't intimate (or anytime that week or the night before). I felt neglected again... I am sexual person and it's even better when it's with someone you love. And it's like he wanted nothing to do with me. I was bummed we weren't intimate. He could hear it in my voice, asked me what was wrong, but I told him I just wasn't feeling well (which I wasn't). He leaves to go make a conference call and we head over to the store.

 

Afterwards we comes back to my apt and he gets so quiet. Finally I ask him what the deal is and he says he doesn’t see himself in a long term relationship and brought up our conversation from the wedding. I reminded him that I DON'T have a timeline. In fact he was the one that said he wanted kids in 2-3 years. Lies. I completely lost it. I was so calm all the other times but not this time. I felt played. Foolish. Told him the last year was a waste of my time and I should have never taken him back. Told him he was a liar. And fake. I was completely shocked. Panicked. I felt so broken down by him and his back and forth decisions. I could see the struggle on his face when he told me this. Almost like he didn't know if he was making the right decision. He even said "I'm not about to say I'm an a-hole or an idiot". This tells me he DID think he was an ahole and an idiot... After crying from both sides (yes he cried at least 3 times...)... we head to the door... the last thing he says is "If this is the last thing I tell you I want you to know I care about you so much. It's just not the right time". Then he hugged me. I hugged him back but said his explanation means nothing to me and have fun hooking up with chics. That hurt him. He left...

 

Now I’m here… 1 year later, completely devastated. Confused. Sad. Angry. And missing him and the good times. He texted me 3 days later (on my birthday) but I deleted it without reading it. Then the next day he removed our pictures from his timeline on facebook, but kept himself tagged.

 

Now I’m not sure where to go from here. Or what to think. Can’t help but think it’s something I did. Or didn’t do. I don't know. After typing out the entire story, I see how manipulative he was and how troubled he actually is.

 

A friend already saw him on a dating app. Which he will use strictly for hookups. That hurts too cause he said when business is crazy he doesn’t feel sexual. What a joke.

 

I know in my heart he truly cared for me and loved me... but it feels like his fears took over many times.

 

Now what……? I want to move forward.

 

I want to move forward -- The first step is to get real with yourself --

I know in my heart he truly cared for me and loved me -- This guy was not a commitment phobe, he was the mother of all con artists.

 

Block his number and start focusing on YOU.

 

but it feels like his fears took over many times. -- Get out of his head. It's very dark in there. And, get out of yours for a while. Go out and have fun with your friends and family. The people who actually do care about you.

[katiegrl]

 

This guy was not a commitment phobe, he was the mother of all con artists.

 

 

RH.... curious why you say this. From everything she has written, it's quite obvious he's a CP (or active avoider, fear of intimacy) whatever you wish to call it.

 

It's easy to call these guys (or girls if the roles were reversed) con artists, but I believe they really do have some serious internal issues... that can really mess with you if you're not careful.

 

I think he cared....that was the problem.

 

He didn't want to care because caring = committed RL .....and that is precisely what they're afraid of! The closeness, losing their freedom and a ton of other things.

 

They really do feel suffocated (emotionally)....just like someone with claustrophobia feels suffocated (physically).

 

They panic and run. Fight or flight.

 

In this case, he chose flight.

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

OP are you reading our posts?

[Redhead14]

RH.... curious why you say this. From everything she has written, it's quite obvious he's a CP (or active avoider, fear of intimacy) whatever you wish to call it.

 

It's easy to call these guys (or girls if the roles were reversed) con artists, but I believe they really do have some serious internal issues... that can really mess with you if you're not careful.

 

I think he cared....that was the problem.

 

He didn't want to care because caring = committed RL .....and that is precisely what they're afraid of! The closeness, losing their freedom and a ton of other things.

 

They really do feel suffocated (emotionally)....just like someone with claustrophobia feels suffocated (physically).

 

They panic and run. Fight or flight.

 

In this case, he chose flight.

 

This guy was playing the game and really well.

 

"I don't want to date anymore" (which to me meant he was ready to meet ONE person to settle down with).

"I've never felt this connection with someone before"

"You have the touch that paralyzes me" (when we started getting physical... I know it's physical but I literally FELT the words he was saying)... weird I know.

"I see you as a high value woman".

"I'm so vulnerable with you"

"You're a good woman".

 

This whole paragraph looks and sounds like a script he's used on a hundred women and like it was taken from a PUA book. Paleeze, who talks like that all in one paragraph? "You have the touch that paralyzes me"

Commitment phobes that women "should" feel sorry for or "give him break' whatever, don't enjoy the journey they're on. This guy was playing games.

[goodriddance]

Yes definitely curious on the con artist comment too!

 

So you definitely think he's commitment phobe? I never knew what a CP was until recently. I've been reading tons of articles on CPs and I definitely see all the signs.

 

So crazy.......

 

I'm getting to the point where I'm not blaming myself. Even though it still hurts that he's choosing a soulless life rather than connect with someone... me, who I really thought he was ready.

 

I'm definitely feeling very angry too. It's only been two weeks so still very fresh!

[goodriddance]

Hahaa well he didn't say "you have the touch it paralyzes me" like THAT. We would be physical.... not trying to get graphic but he'd say things like "you've got the touch". Then say "I'm paralyzed". And he wouldn't say all those things together! Hahah... I was just listing out all the things he'd say throughout the relationship.

 

But yes..... I definitely fell for his crap!

 

I'm a smart woman and I sure was fooled. I feel like an idiot!

[Redhead14]

Hahaa well he didn't say "you have the touch it paralyzes me" like THAT. We would be physical.... not trying to get graphic but he'd say things like "you've got the touch". Then say "I'm paralyzed". And he wouldn't say all those things together! Hahah... I was just listing out all the things he'd say throughout the relationship.

 

But yes..... I definitely fell for his crap!

 

I'm a smart woman and I sure was fooled. I feel like an idiot!

 

You're not an idiot. You would be an idiot if you fell for this again though

 

There are other things I would point out, but some of them are gray.

 

The kind of commitment phobes, Fear of Intimacy types, aren't that smooth. They are hurting on some level and that comes across. You feel as though you are loved while at the same time being kept at arms length, and especially in bed. Sure, they cuddle, they have sex, but there's detachment. You feel it.

 

This guy may still be a commitment phobe, but not the kind you should feel sorry for. If it's too smooth, too good, it's bull****.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Redhead14

[goodriddance]

I totally agree. He has CP plus..... something else. Something dark perhaps? Most definitely has control issues.

 

What gray issues were you thinking of?

 

It helps to hear this from an outside source. Makes me realize I'm not crazy...

 

I will NOT be falling for this shxt again. This is not how I operate.

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, eff you. Fool me three times, you're dead to me.

[TunaCat]

RH.... curious why you say this. From everything she has written, it's quite obvious he's a CP (or active avoider, fear of intimacy) whatever you wish to call it.

 

It's easy to call these guys (or girls if the roles were reversed) con artists, but I believe they really do have some serious internal issues... that can really mess with you if you're not careful.

 

I think he cared....that was the problem.

 

He didn't want to care because caring = committed RL .....and that is precisely what they're afraid of! The closeness, losing their freedom and a ton of other things.

 

They really do feel suffocated (emotionally)....just like someone with claustrophobia feels suffocated (physically).

 

They panic and run. Fight or flight.

 

In this case, he chose flight.

 

katiegirl, you have described me to a T. I am a woman and a CP. I have felt all these things that you say the OP's ex felt. These issues absolutely can screw with a person and that does NOT make them a con artist.

[Redhead14]

I totally agree. He has CP plus..... something else. Something dark perhaps? Most definitely has control issues.

 

What gray issues were you thinking of?

 

It helps to hear this from an outside source. Makes me realize I'm not crazy...

 

I will NOT be falling for this shxt again. This is not how I operate.

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, eff you. Fool me three times, you're dead to me.

 

It's not gray issues, it's just that there are some behaviors you've outlined that kinda blur my view. And, I recognize that those are things that blurred things for you as well. Since you are describing them through your eyes, it's difficult to read on my side. So, after reading that paragraph I pointed out and then reading further, those things do not support the FOI concept. You did not describe your experience with the demeanor I would expect to hear if you were dating a man with a real Fear of Intimacy. Your demeanor and attitude overall, is what brings me to the conclusion I've reached.

 

Makes me realize I'm not crazy... This statement tells me I've hit the nail on the head. You thought it was bull**** more than something you could feel sorry for . . .

 

I am trying to remember a thread that I could point out to you so that you could see the difference. I'll look back on some and see if I can give you a link.

[goodriddance]

Well... I didn't see it as BS until this third time. And to be honest my demeanor did change after this third time. All that support, understanding, and care I gave him before was completely over after this third time. THIS time it is bullshxt. No one in their RIGHT mind would have done that to me if they were RIGHT in the head.

 

Which behaviors are you referring to? I'm curious.

 

If you find the thread, let me know.

[katiegrl]

Commitment-phobes (and I realize this is a catch-all phrase,) come in all shapes and sizes.

 

They don't all act the same RH .... some are passive, some are active...some are a mix of both.

 

Some elicit more sympathy than others. They don't all behave the same, having studied psychology you should know that RH.

 

This guy's behavior was bizarre....utter lunacy.

 

Back and forth, push/pull, hot/cold.

 

Come close, pull away. I love you, but can't be with you.

 

It is literally crazy making!

 

This is not some "game" they're playing, they're not conning you.

 

They have serious issues! And those issues are unique to each person who struggles with this particular phobia/fear.

 

OP, all you can is learn from this so you can protect yourself from ever getting involved with a man like him ever again.

[Redhead14]

Commitment-phobes (and I realize this is a catch-all phrase,) come in all shapes and sizes.

 

They don't all act the same RH .... some are passive, some are active...some are a mix of both.

 

Some elicit more sympathy than others. They don't all behave the same, having studied psychology you should know that RH.

 

This guy's behavior was bizarre....utter lunacy.

 

Back and forth, push/pull, hot/cold.

 

Come close, pull away. I love you, but can't be with you.

 

It is literally crazy making!

 

This is not some "game" they're playing, they're not conning you.

 

They have serious issues! And those issues are unique to each person who struggles with this particular phobia/fear.

 

OP, all you can is learn from this so you can protect yourself from ever getting involved with a man like him ever again.

 

This guy is a bull**** artist. PERIOD. He's not a commitment phobe with some kind of dark, inner damage. He's made a conscious decision to stay single and plays with women.

It's a lot easier to make the decision to move on if you're not feeling sorry for the guy. She doesn't need to put herself through that. Call a spade a spade, and you can walk away from the table with less left on the table.

[goodriddance]

What happened with OP?? Man oh man... I wish I would have known about this sooner.

 

And yes.... very very VERY bizarre. It's good to know I'm not alone.

[katiegrl]

This guy is a bull**** artist. PERIOD. He's not a commitment phobe with some kind of dark, inner damage. He's made a conscious decision to stay single and plays with women.

It's a lot easier to make the decision to move on if you're not feeling sorry for the guy. She doesn't need to put herself through that. Call a spade a spade, and you can walk away from the table with less left on the table.

 

No sorry it's not *PERIOD*.

 

It's your *opinion* to which you are entitled.

 

And I'll just leave it there.

 

Agree to disagree.

[goodriddance]

Okay guys... deep breaths. What we can all agree on is 1) he has issues. 2) I need to move forward and drop his ass when/if he comes back.

[katiegrl]

Okay guys... deep breaths. What we can all agree on is 1) he has issues. 2) I need to move forward and drop his ass when/if he comes back.

 

Well yeah, of course you walk away for good this time and don't feel sorry for him either.

 

You take care of YOU.

 

Let him figure his own crap out, I said that back on my first post!

 

Wish you the best OP.

[Redhead14]

Okay guys... deep breaths. What we can all agree on is 1) he has issues. 2) I need to move forward and drop his ass when/if he comes back.

 

The adamant nature of my last post was for your benefit, Goodriddance. Do what needs to be done and with as little concern for him as possible. I've seen women spend so much time being torn about her decision because she was worried about the guy because he has 'issues'. And, in some cases, I actually understand that concern. But I still tell them to keep moving. This this guy doesn't deserve that kind of "concern".

 

If you want to PM me, I'll ask you for some more information and highlight some things. But, it's kinda moot, because it appears you're in the right mindset already and good for you.

[katiegrl]

The adamant nature of my last post was for your benefit, Goodriddance. Do what needs to be done and with as little concern for him as possible. I've seen women spend so much time being torn about her decision because she was worried about the guy because he has 'issues'. And, in some cases, I actually understand that concern. But I still tell them to keep moving. This this guy doesn't deserve that kind of "concern".

 

If you want to PM me, I'll ask you for some more information and highlight some things. But, it's kinda moot, because it appears you're in the right mindset already and good for you.

 

Agree except to say NO commitment phobe deserves his gf's *concern*. Huge mistake on her part. Once she becomes aware, she leaves.....and if she doesn't, that's on her.

 

These men are messed up, they know they are messed up and don't care how their bizarre and hurtful behavior affects their girlfriends.

 

They are all gutless wonders (the ones who continue getting involved knowing they have serious issues).

 

They need therapy....and until they get it, they need to *not* be getting into any sort of romantic relationship.

[goodriddance]

Do you think this is something he's aware of? Was this planned in any way?

 

I guess I more or less just wanted to make sure he actually does have issues and it's not just a "he's not that into you" situation.

[kztar]

He's probably not really aware of this. My ex was the same way. Im sorry but I don't want to come across this personality or attachment style ever again. I much rather deal with someone clingy SMH.

[ilovemefirst]

I know how you feel. My bf was a CP too, it took him a while to finally commit and i believe it was because i finally took whatever self respect i had left and walked away. It was hard, but i focused on me and he was no longer on the pedestal. He hated the fact that i was no longer pining for him as he could sense it, and during that time i worked on my insecurities and focused more on my goals. As hard as it was, it was worth it.

 

I am happy to see you are handling this well. You deserve better. He seems to be a yo yo and i think he feels like you would take him back when hes ready to come back ( which he will). I hope that this time, you don't...not until hes ready to make that commitment. Those are your magic words...anything less..he can keep trying