I don't how to do romantic. Should I be concerned about that?

March 1, 2016

I'm the type of person that is not mushy at all. It's really hard for me to call a woman by sweet and cute nicknames and show affection in public like kissing or hand holding. It makes me feel really awkward to celebrate Valentine's Day, give her roses, chocolates in a heart shaped box, write a letter, sing to her, annyversaries, stuffed animals, romantic dinners, candles and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm not able to feel something for a woman, I do, I can fall really hard, but it's just not easy to do that stuff I mentioned before. I'm good at other things though, like I have good communications skills, I'm always honest about what I want, in private I can show a lot of affection, I'm very respectful, care a lot, willing to support her and things like that.

I've never been in a really long term relationship by choice. I mean I've never made it beyond the honeymoon or infatuation phase. I just don't want to commit at a young age and because my concept of being serious implies a lot more than just living the present and see where it goes.

I believe it's because I grew up in a family where I've never seen my father do the romantic LOL. He's really like me in that way. Even though their marriage is okay, I still wonder if that's something I should be concerned and change or if I just should wait for a woman who would take me as I am.

Edited March 1, 2016 by iphone_user1

March 1, 2016

We intrepret gestures in varying degrees. Personally I find the simple things quite romantic! Such as a phone call just to say they were thinking of my well being. Or even finding a movie that I may have mentioned... and we rent it to watch. Its those small intrinsic gestures that are kind . I cringe at hallmark sayings and the soulmate mentality. Yet do something kind... and it reassures that we have positive traits that are endearing.

March 1, 2016

I'm going to add this:

I've had problems with some women in the past, especially young girls who are like very dreamy. They expected from to do romantic things and be more passionate, it was sad because it was really hard for me to do that and I would end up being way too stressed and uncomfortable.

So, guys, what do you thnk?

March 1, 2016

You sound like the kind of guy I'd date. I don't want flowers and poems and stuff. What I want is for you to make me a cup of tea when I'm tired. Or be happy to snuggle on the lounge watching a zombie movie.

March 1, 2016

We intrepret gestures in varying degrees. Personally I find the simple things quite romantic! Such as a phone call just to say they were thinking of my well being. Or even finding a movie that I may have mentioned... and we rent it to watch. Its those small intrinsic gestures that are kind . I cringe at hallmark sayings and the soulmate mentality. Yet do something kind... and it reassures that we have positive traits that are endearing.

You sound like the kind of guy I'd date. I don't want flowers and poems and stuff. What I want is for you to make me a cup of tea when I'm tired. Or be happy to snuggle on the lounge watching a zombie movie.

I'm okay with calling, exercising together, having lunch, playing something, watch a movie, cook for her, I like to do that stuff and more. But when it comes to the romantic as more like the social media sells or what people are used to, it knocks me down LOL

March 2, 2016

I'm the type of person that is not mushy at all. It's really hard for me to call a woman by sweet and cute nicknames and show affection in public like kissing or hand holding. It makes me feel really awkward to celebrate Valentine's Day, give her roses, chocolates in a heart shaped box, write a letter, sing to her, annyversaries, stuffed animals, romantic dinners, candles and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm not able to feel something for a woman, I do, I can fall really hard, but it's just not easy to do that stuff I mentioned before. I'm good at other things though, like I have good communications skills, I'm always honest about what I want, in private I can show a lot of affection, I'm very respectful, care a lot, willing to support her and things like that.

I've never been in a really long term relationship by choice. I mean I've never made it beyond the honeymoon or infatuation phase. I just don't want to commit at a young age and because my concept of being serious implies a lot more than just living the present and see where it goes.

I believe it's because I grew up in a family where I've never seen my father do the romantic LOL. He's really like me in that way. Even though their marriage is okay, I still wonder if that's something I should be concerned and change or if I just should wait for a woman who would take me as I am.

My guess is you are younger than 25. It sounds like you know what to do, but may not always be inclined to do them. For some of the things you listed - is money a factor?

Nicknames just sort of happen. I'm a touch of a smart ass, so if I was dating a body builder, I'd probably call him "Fluffy" in private.

I am a hand holder. Many men aren't. I told my exH, "when you go out in he world, hold hands." It's from 'All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten.' He liked that. Some women may think it is a sign of possessiveness, I don't.

Sometimes just reaching and giving a hand squeeze in public is nice. I had a man reach over in the car one time and squeeze my hand and say. "I'm glad we're together tonight". That was sweet,

March 2, 2016

My guess is you are younger than 25. It sounds like you know what to do, but may not always be inclined to do them. For some of the things you listed - is money a factor?

Nicknames just sort of happen. I'm a touch of a smart ass, so if I was dating a body builder, I'd probably call him "Fluffy" in private.

I am a hand holder. Many men aren't. I told my exH, "when you go out in he world, hold hands." It's from 'All I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten.' He liked that. Some women may think it is a sign of possessiveness, I don't.

Sometimes just reaching and giving a hand squeeze in public is nice. I had a man reach over in the car one time and squeeze my hand and say. "I'm glad we're together tonight". That was sweet,

I just turned 26. Money is not factor. I have a job and can afford dating. I can use nicknames, but they are not sweet LOL more like what you'd call a bodybuilder. And yes, I know what to do, but I don't feel the impulse inside me or moved to do that stuff, even when I fall hard for a woman within the infatuation stage.

March 2, 2016

You've been watching too much sappy TV or something. Most guys are not at all sappy. Lots of women are okay if they're treated right, protected a little, if the guy tries to help make their life easier in any way, and if he's eager and fun in bed. I always tell women to go by actions, not words. Hell, I'm a woman and when I have to tell someone I love them, it almost makes me ill. I'd rather show it, and so would most people except people on soap operas on tv and sappy chick flicks. Not real life at all.

March 2, 2016

My husband is a stoic Veteran. He doesn't "do" romantic either but he gets that it is important, so he will used the tried & true even if he doesn't really understand why it's so important to me. He gets that romantic gestures make me happy so he does them.

1. Light some candles once in a while

2. hold hands . . . more pda is up to you & not needed.

3. kiss hello & goodbye

4. send flowers or bring a bouquet home every once in a while (4x per year, max)

5. slow dance with her at least once per month even if it's only in your own living room.

6. Send a random text every once in a while: ILY; HAND; etc.

Even if at first these things make you feel odd, as you do them more & you see the joy in her eyes you will want to keep doing them

March 2, 2016

I'm good at other things though, like I have good communications skills

Some contradiction in your post. If you have good communication skills, you connect with people in a way that's meaningful to them and in terms they understand.

Casanova had excellent communication skills. ...

Mr. Lucky

March 2, 2016

I am not a really a "romantic" - for the love of God never get me a Teddy Bear, and I am not one for poetry....

But it's the thought behind actions that count.

While I would never expect a bouquet of flowers to be sent to me.... I have been touched when I come home to find a vase of hand picked wild flowers. Shows he was thinking of me, and took time to do something sweet.

The same goes for a little note left out - I don't need a long thought out letter, but a "I love, hope you have a great day" note is nice - again, shows he was thinking of me.

Now PDAs is where I differ I suppose. I love a kiss like no one is watching, a bit of passion, let everyone see I am his girl....

March 2, 2016

You shouldn't change who you are...

But, IMO, if the way you're approaching something isn't getting you results, then maybe you ought consider compromising.

Look, I'm not big on birthdays, but since it means a lot to people I guess I care about, I make exceptions. Actually, although Mum's milestone birthday is months off, I already shelled out a few hundreds on a piece of jewelry she's been wanting for a minute.

I like doing stuff like that. Makes me warm and fuzzy to put smiles on people's faces. Think of being romantic as "foreplay". You're gonna have to "warm up" your woman beforehand. Jumping into pounding her brains out isn't lovemaking.

So, be flexible. Get some flowers, do the romantic stuff...it'll make you feel good to do something nice, sweet, spontaneous and it'll warm her up to do special things for you too

And no, you don't have to do over the top cheesey stuff, that's such a turn off. And, even if you didn't grow up seeing it, you watch TV, you can Google how to do it. My fav podcaster talked once how she called hubby upset one day and came home to him meeting her at the door saying "sssh". He guided her to the bathroom where wine, bubbly tub and warm slippers and a robe was there. He kissed her and closed the door so she could chill. That's sweet and romantic and toooo freakin easy to learn/do and not cheesey.

But, if romance isn't your thing and you don't wanna change, then that's fine too. There's a woman out there who isn't worldly, and doesn't want certain treatment/pleasures in life and she'll think Red Lobster is a 5-star restaurant. And, I'm serious. Some guys pick certain women that don't expect much from them/life and that's cool. Don't change who you are, just meet someone who wants what you have to offer.

March 2, 2016

I think you should act as it comes natural for you - anything else will show as a pose and it is a turn off.

Romance means different things for different people. I find physical touch in general better than verbal as a display of affection. I got together with my BF because of that haha, he's great with touch (I even don't mean sexual or 'standard' romantic, more like full body contact while watching movie on the couch, wake up facing each other and with close body contact etc). Another example, I after my ex and I were done, we kept sleeping in a spoon during these terrible last days of cohabitating - made everything manageable.

I personally get creeped out by FB displays or over the top sweet actions in public, even if it is just cute nicknames... too sugary. However, my first BF used to call the the witch in his language and it was weirdly romantic to me.

March 2, 2016

Oh, and one epiphany that I just had - think about the love gestures that you've seen and been comfortable with as a kid. You say your dad was not into it, but it could be different family members - e.g. siblings acting lovingly to each other. In that way you may discover the romantic language that you're comfortable with now, as an adult. [Like the physical touch in my case: I believe when I was anxious my grandma was giving me her hand to hold it while I fall asleep]. And you'll save yourself from getting into cheesy stuff, ugh

I'm the type of person that is not mushy at all. It's really hard for me to call a woman by sweet and cute nicknames and show affection in public like kissing or hand holding. It makes me feel really awkward to celebrate Valentine's Day, give her roses, chocolates in a heart shaped box, write a letter, sing to her, annyversaries, stuffed animals, romantic dinners, candles and stuff like that. I'm not saying I'm not able to feel something for a woman, I do, I can fall really hard, but it's just not easy to do that stuff I mentioned before. I'm good at other things though, like I have good communications skills, I'm always honest about what I want, in private I can show a lot of affection, I'm very respectful, care a lot, willing to support her and things like that.

I've never been in a really long term relationship by choice. I mean I've never made it beyond the honeymoon or infatuation phase. I just don't want to commit at a young age and because my concept of being serious implies a lot more than just living the present and see where it goes.

I believe it's because I grew up in a family where I've never seen my father do the romantic LOL. He's really like me in that way. Even though their marriage is okay, I still wonder if that's something I should be concerned and change or if I just should wait for a woman who would take me as I am.

March 2, 2016

I just turned 26. Money is not factor. I have a job and can afford dating. I can use nicknames, but they are not sweet LOL more like what you'd call a bodybuilder. And yes, I know what to do, but I don't feel the impulse inside me or moved to do that stuff, even when I fall hard for a woman within the infatuation stage.

If being romantic and mushy is not the way you do things, then just don't do it. It's not necessary, so why bother? The better question to ask is, why do girls want you to be romantic? Because it makes them feel good. Why does it make them feel good? Because it makes them feel special. Why does it make them feel special? Because it makes them feel like the man is very committed to them. Being romantic basically serves as a reassurance of his love for women. There are other ways to reassure her of your love, you don't need to become mushy and romantic.

I'm not romantic either (I'm pretty sure you can tell by the way I'm writing ) and not a single girl I have dated wanted to stop dating me when they persistently asked, even nagged me to be romantic with them and I just told them "no, that's not me".

March 2, 2016

Honestly, I think you are citing two extremes whereas there is plenty of middle ground to stand on. I don't think the vast majority of LTRs involve everything that you described and especially not on a regular basis, but on the other hand the majority of happy Rs that I know of do involve an element of romance occasionally.

Sure, the practical day-to-day stuff is more important, and I can't speak for all women, but I would find a relationship awfully dull if we could NEVER have romantic dinners or gifts or celebrations. And I would probably consider it a dealbreaker if the man could never engage in any sort of physical affection in public - I'm not expecting kissing and making out in public, but holding hands or putting our arms around each other sometimes is a basic need IMO, and one that many couples still do into their 60s or 70s. But yeah, I'd feel pretty awkward too if the guy felt the need to write songs about me (?!) and call me all manner of mushy nicknames all the time. There is a happy balance.

Be true to yourself, but be aware that middle ground exists. You don't have to choose between NEVER doing ANY of the above, or french kissing your honey cutie widdle poo in public and having flowers sent to her on a daily basis.

March 2, 2016

My husband is a stoic Veteran. He doesn't "do" romantic either but he gets that it is important, so he will used the tried & true even if he doesn't really understand why it's so important to me. He gets that romantic gestures make me happy so he does them.

1. Light some candles once in a while

2. hold hands . . . more pda is up to you & not needed.

3. kiss hello & goodbye

4. send flowers or bring a bouquet home every once in a while (4x per year, max)

5. slow dance with her at least once per month even if it's only in your own living room.

6. Send a random text every once in a while: ILY; HAND; etc.

Even if at first these things make you feel odd, as you do them more & you see the joy in her eyes you will want to keep doing them

The real romance in that is he cares enough to make the effort, and that's true love.

March 2, 2016

I had two men who were romantic, but not in the "I love you" way. One was pretty mushy and I brought the romance out in him and he became very gentlemanly around me. One old flame I always had a crush on kissed my hand every time we ran into each other for years and did dramatic romantic gestures, even though he was never my boyfriend and we both saw other people.

But some of the things others have done that made me feel loved or appreciated and, more importantly, respected, were those who seemed genuinely interested in what I was reading or listening to and just really liked to talk to me about a lot of things.

March 2, 2016

There are a lot of women that are not into the mushy sentimental crap that's easy to fake anyway.

March 2, 2016

I know your out there, but I've never met a woman that didn't like romance. Being romantic didn't come naturally to me. I had to do my homework. I've asked for advice and and I've done research. I've also bought books too for ideas. It's not that hard guys. You simply have to put in the effort.

March 2, 2016

Thanks a lot for your answers. It's always good to read different opinions!

March 2, 2016

The real romance in that is he cares enough to make the effort, and that's true love.

Exactly!

I remember a few years ago we were in Seattle on a family vacation, strolling through Pike's Market. If you have never been there, on one of the floors there are tons of stalls with fresh produce including fresh flowers. It was close to our wedding anniversary & I started whining -- I mean I was a genuine pest -- that I wanted DH to buy me flowers. My FIL was looking at me like I was some kind of spoiled entitled brat for whining until step-MIL pointed out that the flowers were $5. At which point FIL playfully smacked DH upside the head & said "get your wife the flowers & don't be cheap about it." So DH bought me the bigger $10 bunch. FIL then bought flowers for step-MIL.

All DH really "learned" from that is flowers get him things / behaviors he really wants.

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I don't how to do romantic. Should I be concerned about that?

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