A mail from the ex

[miss-gonewest]

I'd cut off all contact and I'd instruct your sister not to take his calls or keep in touch with him.

 

No wonder after 10 months you still hurt and can't heal... you keep having him thrown at you.

 

At the end of the day, nothing he has to say will make you happy, other than those 4 little words "I want you back" and from the sounds of it, I don't think you'll be hearing them from him anytime soon.

 

Please ask yourself if he is worth all this? Do you really want him back? He sounds to be pretty insecure if he has to keep calling your sister for information, and to brag about his life.

 

You don't need him; your sister shouldn't be keeping in contact with him; and you need to move on and start healing... its been nearly a year, you have to put this behind you....!

[Gottabestrong]

Originally posted by westernxer

...sounds like things aren't going well for him.

What makes you say that? To me it seems like his life could not be better and he is enjoying it to the max.

[Gottabestrong]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

I'd cut off all contact and I'd instruct your sister not to take his calls or keep in touch with him.

I asked her to, and told her to at least not inform me anymore if he contacts her and does not have anything important to say.

 

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

At the end of the day, nothing he has to say will make you happy, other than those 4 little words "I want you back" and from the sounds of it, I don't think you'll be hearing them from him anytime soon.

You are right, that's the sad truth.

 

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

He sounds to be pretty insecure if he has to keep calling your sister for information, and to brag about his life.

Somehow I dont think that he is insecure, but truely happy with his life but would just like to sort out this one form of conflict he has in his life (me). I guess he does not understand that I am still hurt and really wants us to become friends. Or at least he wants to be friends with my sister.

 

Gosh, I can feel my insecurities dripping all over this.

[miss-gonewest]

Well maybe insecure isn't the right word....

 

I could be really wrong, but I sense something fishy with his behaviour and I assumed it was akin to insecurity. Given it was his choice to break up with you, I don't see why he keeps the lines of communication open. I also assume he isn't silly and realises that whatever he tells your sister will get back to you.

 

To me its like he needs to reassure you (and himself) that it was the right decision, by telling the world how great he is now that he has moved on from your partnership.

 

Or maybe he just has a bigger ego and needs to be constantly talking about himself and reminding everyone that he is still around.... I really don't know.... but to me, he just mainly sounds kind of annoying (sorry to be harsh). And I don't see the point in giving you the story about the dream; sending random group emails, and chatting to your sister.

 

You had it right weeks ago when you said you were going to cut ties and move on. Ensure your sister keeps away from him (or at least keeps quiet) and if push comes to shove, tell him to stay away from your sister.

 

There is nothing to be gained from obsessing over the why's and what's of his bizarre behaviour..... be gentle to yourself and move onwards and upwards.

 

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

my ex called my sister last night. He sent her a text saying that he would like to call her to 'talk about everything'. I gave her my okay to tell him to call her because I wanted to know what he had to say.

 

Well, for the most part he spoke about his life and how great it is. He has many friends, does all his favorite sports and enjoys work a lot. When my sister asked if he had a new girlfriend, he said that he has many chances to get together with someone, but he is waiting for the 'best' and does not want to repeat mistakes he made in the past.

 

Hey GBS, sorry you're still in pain over this breakup I think your ex has a huge ego and is stringing you along with his contacts.

 

Sorry for being blunt, but I also think he might have started having feelings for your sister. I think he initially contacted your sister to get the goods on you, but now I think he's contacting her because he likes her. I also think your sister is flattered by his attention and that is why she's not cutting the lines of communication. The fact that he's telling her that "he is waiting for the 'best' and does not want to repeat mistakes he made in the past" sends warning bells off in my head. I think he's telling your sister he's waiting for the best (her, he's indirectly flattering her), and that he wont break her heart like he did yours (cos she know's he's a dog, he's trying to convince her he's changed his ways). But this is just my interpretation of the whole thing and I could be very wrong. I do think you should be aware of the possibility and would get your sister to stop contact with him at all cost. I would be frank with your sister and tell her you feel very hurt when she keeps in contact with your ex and you would like her to stop.

 

Knowing all your ages would help too.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

What makes you say that? To me it seems like his life could not be better and he is enjoying it to the max.

 

Then why is he calling your sister? Remember, talk is cheap.

 

 

[Gottabestrong]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Sorry for being blunt, but I also think he might have started having feelings for your sister. Knowing all your ages would help too.

Hi dgiirl, thanks for replying.

 

Your post made me laugh out loud, which is a great thing today. While this might of course be possible in other circumstances, I really dont think that this is the case here.

 

My sister is a happily coupled up mother of 2 and there is no romantic connection between the two of them. However, my sister is a wonderful, loving person and I think it is very likely that he really cares for her in a platonic way. Like for a sister.

 

My ex and my sister are both 31, I am 29.

[dgiirl]

Ah see if you guys were younger I'd believe what I wrote. But it still disturbs me that she wont stop contact with your ex.

[Gottabe on vacation]

Hi,

 

I dont know if my post got deleted, but I made a huge mistake.

 

I sent my ex an email from my new emailaddress without even realizing it.

 

I dont know why but for some reason I decided to forward one of those mass emails to him, that he likes to send me all the time.

 

Only when it was done I realized it was from my new account that I sent it from and not from my workaccount that he usually writes to.

 

He already replied twice saying that it was nice to see that I am still alive and forwarded me a link.

 

What should I do now? Pretend it never happened? Ask him to forget this emailaddress? Use this as a chance to tell him everything I wanted to tell him but did not because of NC?

 

Please give me your opinions. I feel really bad about this.

[Gottabestrong]

Well, I am back from my vacation and still feel very unhappy about this.

 

I have not heard from him since even though the mail was sent last thursday, so I dont think that he is going to send me a personal mail any time soon. But I am quite sure that I will get one of his stupid mass emails in the near future.

 

The other thing I am mostly worried about is that now that he knows my new emailaddress every time I am going to check it I will hope that I have a message from him and this will drive me crazy.

 

So please, if anyone has advice or inside for me....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Go ahead and block his email address. That way you won't have to worry about any incoming mail from him.

[Gottabestrong]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Go ahead and block his email address. That way you won't have to worry about any incoming mail from him.

I know I should. But some part of me still believes that he might send me the old 'I am so sorry, I made a huge mistake, give me another chance' email one day and I am afraid I will miss it if I block him.

 

I know, this is a really stupid thought, but one I have. So I am thinking that if I block him I should at least tell him that I do, so he will use some other means of contacting me if he wants to reconcile.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Trust me, if he wants to reconcile he'll find a way. It would probably be better knowing that if he wants you back, he's going to have to show a real effort behind it.

[Gottabestrong]

Hey, just need to vent.

 

It's been a week now since I sent him this email and 6 days since he sent me those two one-liners. I guess I really thought that he would write again or try to re-establish contact, but he has not.

 

Seems like my breaking of NC after 5 months is no biggie for him. So maybe he called my sister after all because he wanted to hear about her and her family and not because he was curious about me.

 

So I guess he is really having this fun-packed life he told my sister about and does not have the time and interest to get in touch with me.

 

The possibly worst part about this is that I met a really nice guy a few weeks ago who is actually interested in me and wants to date me. This is bad because I always thought once I met a great guy who was interested in me I would laugh about the time I spent crying over my ex and move on in a second.

 

Well, I am not laughing. I am just thinking about all the things that make my ex special and what I loved about him. I am afraid now that I will never meet someone who will make me forget him, but he will always be 'the one who got away'.

 

I have not felt this intense desire to see him in a few months. I had a dream last night in which we met and he begged me to give him another chance.

 

Right now I miss him soo much and I hate the fact that our breakup occured already a year ago. It's been a year and I still feel this connected to him? Wtf!! When is this going to end? When will I start forgetting about him?

 

I am so tempted to send him a mail asking him to meet but I did that once in january and it did not go the way I wanted it to. So I am trying to stall myself every day a little bit. Always tell myself to not contact him today but wait at least until tomorrow. And so on.

 

Really need a peptalk right now. For someone to tell me what to do and why.

[Gottabestrong]

Have not contacted him yet, but it is not easy. Especially not as my friends and relatives all tell me to send him a mail and ask him to meet.

 

Even my dad, who is always quick to say 'he obviously does not want you, forget him' just told me tonight to ask him to meet and see if he is interested in more than friendship.

 

Whereas on here most people tell me to stay away from him and stick to NC. Any idea why it is that way? Could it be that I dont give all the necessary information on here? Or because my friends and family are all naive and dont have much experience with breakups?

 

I am really confused and feel pulled in two directions.

 

Does anyone else have an opinion on my situation?

[Gottabestrong]

So today I got another of his mass-emails. Seems like everytime I get a mail there are new girls' names on it. I hate it and want him to stop sending them to me.

 

Would it be a mistake to ask him to? Would it come across as I cant handle hearing from him as my poor heart can't take it? I'd rather have it sound like I find them annoying. (Which I do)

[sundrop]

If he is sending them to your work email, then sed him a short and swet message, that work is really starting to crack down, using the email for personal/ non work related emails and to please stop forwarding or sending mass emails to you. If he is sending them to your personal email acct, just delete the forwarded ones (you can usually tell those from the subject line) or if the subject line does sound personal, just delte those and don't even answer them.

You never know he may have those flagged for followup to see if ou read them and if he gets an automatic responce that the email was delted before it was opened, that would probably make him fall off his chair.

 

But honestly, it sounds like you don't want to cut that cord just yet and loose that contact.

 

Best of luck.

[NewLee40]

I'm a new member and just found this site when searching the net for advice on whether or not to get back with my ex.

 

Long story short, what you are saying here is exactly the pattern I've gone through with my ex for the last year. He will break up with me for whatever reason and then in a month or two, come crawling back in my life in some way.

 

After our last break up, I really tried hard to put him out of my mind and accept that it was over and had to be over. I hoped and prayed that he would let enough time lapse for me to be strong enough to resist his advances.

 

In an effort to put up roadblocks to him contacting me, I too changed my numbers. I didn't block his email address because I considered that to be my "safety valve" that would prevent him from showing up at my house if he got desperate enough to contact me.

 

Sure enough, one month to the day after our breakup, I get an email from him saying "please call me."

 

I replied saying, "I erased your number and no longer have it, what do you need?" He did not reply, but he had also added me to his yahoo messenger the same night, which I allowed.

 

So, I get online that night and he's there. He doesn't message me. I start to get steamed, wondering why the hell did he contact me if he didn't want to say anything? So, I send him an IM asking if he wanted something?

 

He replied, "no, I'm sorry I bothered you. I just wanted to find out about your new job."

 

I said it was fine and he wished me the best.

 

Ok..whatever. Then he proceeded to say again, "i'm sorry I bothered you....I just miss you."

 

Well, I'd already come across his new personal ad online, so I was unable to resist a snarky comment, which was..."what's wrong, nothing interesting on the personals?"

 

To which he replied, OK. I guess I zinged him..busted him, whatever.

 

I told him I was deleting him and then I did.

 

So, like you, I'm sitting around wondering why he even bothered? To what purpose is he emailing me? I got the same answers from my friends that you are getting here. "He's fishing," "He's jerking the line to see if you are still on."

 

Well, a week later, I get the answer.

 

This time, I'm feeling a bit weak and vulnerable myself. I had to have a biopsy this week, and I'm very scared and frightened about what answers will come back. After dining with a friend, I went to the lake and cried and cried. Never had I felt so alone in the world. I wanted to talk to him, to tell him what was happening.

 

I was telling the truth when I said I couldn't remember his number. Cell phones eliminate the need for committing such numbers to memory. I'd deleted every trace of him from my cell, including pictures, text messges, everything. But, where there's a will there's a way and I logged on to my cell phone account and found his number in my call detail.

 

I called and we talked. Apparently, he does want me back and that was the purpose of his fishing expedition. He said he gave up easily because of the terseness of my response, he didn't think he had a chance.

 

So...I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point, but I'll post a thread regarding that myself. I don't want to jack your thread and solicit advice for MY situation. LOL

 

I'm just saying...he probably is testing the waters. He wants to know if YOU miss him, and want him back. But, he's not willing to risk getting blasted for it.

 

Considering I'm at a loss as to what to do in my own situation, I'm not qualified to offer you advice except to say, if you want him gone, just shut him down. Tell him. Email preferably. If you continue to ignore him, he will eventually get the hint, but you will have put yourself through the torture for much longer than if you shut him down straight away.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear NewLee,

 

thanks for your post. I really hope your biopsy will be fine. Have you decided what you are going to do about him?

 

You are right, our situations sound similar. My problem is that I dont want him gone, I want him back.

 

It's been a year since he broke up with me, and I still constanly have him on my mind, so I have accepted the fact that I still love him and might do so forever. Seems like I cant control my feelings. What I can control however, is my behaviour. And I have decided to not be pathetic and beg him to come back to me, or even ask him if he wants to get back together.

 

If he wants to reconcile, the initiative has to come from him. He does not have to beg, but at least he should say clearly that he wants to get back together. I am reasonable enough to realize that this may never happen, so I am trying to move on with my life with as little contact with him as possible.

 

I even date once in a while and am now seeing a guy who is seriously interested in me and wants to be my boyfriend. He knows about my broken heart and I told him to take it slow and start as friends.

 

I dont know if I will ever get over my ex, but I dont want to end up alone, so I am not cutting myself off all men, especially not a good one, who is really interested in me.

 

Part of me still hopes though, that he will come back one day. And hopefully soon.

[NewLee40]

Gottabestrong,

 

I did post my "story" on another thread if you care to look. I have not decided exactly what to do. I'm very wary at this point.

 

Like you, I want him back. I have no reason to believe he's really changed, but I want to believe it. I guess it depends on how things go when we talk. I'm going to have to set some pretty firm boundaries for myself, and I've been historically boundary challenged when it comes to him.

 

We'll see. I do know he loves me. Whether or not he's capable of really being in a relationship remains to be seen.

[bendit]

The reason, after a full year of being apart, that you still feel awful is because

he is STILL in your life. You haven't grieved because you are still obsessing...

Him contacting your sister is tantamount to making a recording and sending it to

you to play on your IPOD. You have to make a decision here. Are you going to break

your addiction to this guy and move on with your life and HEAL, or are you going to continue to be manipulated by you ex and get your emotions whipsawed by every little thing he says or doesn't say.

Having him contact your sister has got to compound your problems because the potential

for REAL damage is ever present. There IS an attraction there. People do F'd up things all the time to screw up lives, or haven't you been reading Loveshack.org? Again, you want to heal? Cut off

ALL contact NOW. Don't leave any escape hatches open. The last year has been DRAMA filled for

you and him AND your sister and that is so consuming so alluring...(keeping you from living a real life). You know exactly what you need to do so do it and stop playing the victim.

 

regards

 

mike

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Mike,

 

thanks for your post, but I dont think that this alone is the reason for my misery.

 

I have had other exes before my current ex. Some of these relationships were longterm and very serious, I once was engaged, and at least two of the guys dumped me and broke my heart.

 

Yet, I have managed to stay in contact with all of them and that without an extended period of NC. Sometimes it was not longer than a month. And the longest I ever suffered from a broken heart before was about 6 months, and with this guy I sometimes had daily contact.

 

So I think there must be something else there, not just the contact.

[NewLee40]

Gotta, I don't think its about the contact. I think its about manipulation of your emotions.

 

It sounds as if this guy is the master of it.

 

Perhaps the other guys, even though they broke your heart, simply didn't try to keep manipulating you, keeping you on a string, and playing with your emotions. When they said they wanted to be friends, they actually meant it, acted like it, and respected the boundaries of your newly reframed relationship.

 

For whatever reason, it is all about him. He needs to know you are still on the line for his own ego. He is feeding off that and feeding off you. You love him, so you have that "inner yes" when it comes to him, and he knows that.

 

Now, I'm new to the scene here, so forgive me if I sound way off base. But, having lived through the same thing and having said some of the same things as you are saying, I do understand.

 

I find myself often scratching my head and wondering why I can't walk away from this guy. I've walked away from people for a whole lot less than he's dished out. I love him dearly, but he's not "all that" if you know what I mean.

 

We have played several rounds of "let's be friends" and it always ends with us right back in a romantic relationship. Because that's what he really wants. He wants me to love him. He needs to know I'm in love with him. And, once he has that, he's temporarily satisfied and starts pulling away. Its about control, its about power, its about manipulation.

 

That's the reason for NC. Its not to make him miss you or want you back. It is to protect YOURSELF from mind games and manipulations while you heal and get some perspective. When you are firm with NC, it is virtually guaranteed he will miss you and he may even regret his decision. But, he'll get over that as soon as he has you by the heart again.

 

I know this, and I talked to my guy on the phone for 3 hours last night anyway.