Gottabestrong Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Hi guys, need help AGAIN! Aargh, I feel so stupid for posting about the same thing over and over again, but I really need to hear your opinions, and maybe the encouragement that I am doing the right thing. Well, if you have not read the 50 or so other posts I made, then let me quickly recap my situation. Boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 9 months ago because he 'did not see a future for us' and did not 'want to waste my time'. He said he needed time to sort out his head and find out what he really wanted. I assumed that he was gonna come round soon, so I did not ignore him and replied to the texts and emails he sent me once in a while. 3 months ago we met, pretty much for the first time since the breakup, and I realized that he had no intention of getting back together. So I decided to cut him out of my life, go NC and try to get over him. For the first 3 weeks he kept on contacting me, never asking why I did not reply, but just assuming that I did not get his messages. Finally he got that I was ignoring him deliberately and so he sent me a 'goodbye email' in which he wished me all the best for my future and promised to not contact me again, unless I contacted him first. Well, that was 2 months ago. Last week he included me in a stupid mass email he sent out to 50 people. That really upset me because it brought back lots of emotions, so I decided to change my email address (already changed my mobile and landline number). But guess what, this morning I get an email to my work account, which I can't really change, because it is my name and it would be a big hassle to get that changed. I would only do that if he was seriously harrasing me and I needed a restraining order. Anyway, all he says in this mail is 'Just wanted to say hi and hope you are well', he continues talking about a dream he had about the two of us and that's that. So what am I supposed to do now? Nowhere in his mail does he say that he misses me, loves me and wants to get back together. And these are really the only things I want to hear from him. I am not ready to be his friend. I tried that for 6 months and it got me nowhere, besides when he told me that he went out on dates, it nearly cut me in two (exaggerating a bit here, but it hurt a lot). So I am thinking about ignoring it and just continuing to get over him. Does anyone think I should reply because he obviously misses me and is just too proud and scared to say so in his mail? He seems to be convinced that I have a new boyfriend. I don't and I don't know where he got that knowledge from, but he said so to my sister. Help me out guys, please! Let me just add that alphamale is right, most exes try to get in touch after 2-3 months of NC.
miss-gonewest Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 I would ignore the email, but that's just me.... If its just a fluffy email, obviously meant to snare you into contacting him, then don't give him the satisfaction of replying. Besides, what are you going to say? If he does love you, miss you and want you back, then let him write that in an email, or call you at work. If he is serious about getting you back - in a relationship sense - then he will find a way to contact you and tell you. Personally I think flowers delivered to work should be a better option, then the "I had a dream" email... but that's just me.
SinceIvebeenlovingU Posted June 13, 2005 Posted June 13, 2005 Edited to add: No, Alphamale isn't entirely right...I know in my case i haven't heard from mine in about 6 months...so yeah don't think that's an average or anything because it's not
Author Gottabestrong Posted June 15, 2005 Author Posted June 15, 2005 Thanks for the reply Miss Gone-west. I have not replied yet and am trying to ignore it, but I must admit that I can't stop thinking about it. does anybody have an idea why he sent me this message and why he does not ask me a single question in his mail? If he wanted a reply, that would make sense, would not it?
Sal Paradise Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 He doesn't want to let go. He wants to keep you in his life but at a distance. Its about control.
miss-gonewest Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by Gottabestrong Does anybody have an idea why he sent me this message and why he does not ask me a single question in his mail? If he wanted a reply, that would make sense, would not it? It could be one of several reasons... (a) that he just didn't think - men (no offence chaps here) sometimes don't think beyond their own realm (b) that he is baiting to you to see how you feel; testing the waters perhaps? Its kind of a sentimental approach that seems pretty easy (albeit a little weak) to get a response out of you - perhaps have you do all the hard work in spilling your thoughts in response or © that he's just keeping his line in the water... as he has nothing better to do... he may get a bite, he may not. I don't really know - I am sorry, but they'd be my thoughts. Delete it so you don't keep re-reading it trying to find answers. Trash it and sit and wait to see what he comes up with next (keep us posted, I'm really interested! LOL). Stay strong...
scarly Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 If I were you, I'd figure while I have no idea how deep this will go,...I'd still send him an email back saying leave me alone. That way, atleast I'd be on record as doing so JUST IN CASE. Tell him this is your work email. Maybe even tell him you cant use it for personal mail. Try and be polite for now. He seems like maybe hes thinking he made a mistake by letting you go and now hes trying to get his foot back in the door.
Betho Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Hold on to the e-mail in a separate folder, just in case. My ex boyfriend had continued to e-mail me for a while; some where ok. Later, they got extremely personal and almost to the point of harrassment. He had sent them first through a e-mail for an organization I run, and then to my personal. If you keep track of when he's e-mailing you, it'll come in handy if it gets worse, and you need to file for a restraining order.
gottabestrong2 Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 HI guys, here is an update. It is my birthday today and guess who sent me a text 1 minute after midnight? His message says that he wishes me the best and many more birthdays to come. It is now 4.30 in the afternoon, and my family and close friends have not found the time yet to congratulate me, but I just opened an email from him in which he said practically the same as in his text. Any idea why he would do this? still no mentioning of missing me or wanting to get back together, but it is over 9 months since he dumped me and more than 3 months since I started NC. I have ignored more than 9 messages from him and yet he continues to write me. Any idea why? What am i gonna do now. I must admit that I was extremely happy when I got his text. Would have been very disappointed if he had not gotten in touch, but dont know if replying would be the clever thing to do. Not in regards to getting back together, but to protecting my heart. Just wanted to update you guys and see what you have to say.
NightsEcho Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 He's Fishing. He wants to envoke a response from you. My ex does the same thing. If he really wants you back...it cant be from a weak e-mail. He likely feels guilty or lonely and just needs to relieve it. You sound like deep down you want him back.....fair enough. But if you hurt him.....and wanted him back...would you not crawl through hell and back to get him. Ya you probably would. File these lame attempts at contact under "G" for garbage.
mustangsally Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 i'd lay it out flat. Say "What do you want and hope to accomplish through this? I am not ready to be your friend and I assume you have no intentions of getting back together, so please let me know what you intend."
Author Gottabestrong Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Hi, still have not replied to his messages, but it is eating at me. Just returned from a vacation I have been on for a few weeks and learned from my sister that my ex sent her a couple of texts and even called her at one point. He did not ask about me once. What is this all about? I don't get it. Unless he is suddenly interested in my sister and her family (which I highly doubt) he must have a hidden agenda, but which one. My dad thinks he is just too proud to tell me he made a mistake, and hopes to elicit a reaction out of me, so it will be me who initiated contact. Could that be true? Truth be told I still think about him most of my waking moments, but I am also a lot calmer since I started ignoring him nearly 4 months ago. But then there are times where I think one has to take a risk to get what one wants, and love should definitely be worth that risk. And am I really risking that much by just sending him a quick reply? Am I letting my pride stand in the way of a potential reconcilliation? I'd really appreciate some of your thoughts.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 (already changed my mobile and landline number) How did he get your number to be texting you ? Keep blowing him off.. He needs to make more of an effort than a text or email
Drivetildriven Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 If you have to send him a reply. Maybe tell him thanks for the birthday wishes, etc. but you have no interest in just being friends. So if he wants to be more, then he know's how to contact you. That doesn't mean you're going to be available.
miss-gonewest Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 GBS, I don't know why your bloke is doing this to you, but what I do know that it is simply not fair of him to do this. If you want to keep receiving emails & texts from him just so you can obsess over them, then continue doing what you have been doing so far. If you want to stop getting these vague messages and move on with your life - then tell him that you don't want him to contact you. Tell him that you don't want him in your life and to leave you alone. If you want to get back with him, then you really need to sort something out. Either tell him or write him and see what happens. Bear in mind that you may get a negative response and you need to be prepared. I personally would tell him to get lost....I feel frustrated reading your posts, I can't imagine the frustration that comes with spending my life obsessing over these messages. From what you write here, he seems to be a little self centred and ego driven... if he really cared and was making an effort, he'd open the lines of communication and ask how you are; he'd care about what is going on in your life. There is to much else out there in life - including fabulous men that will treat you well... cut your ties and go and find them! Good luck.
Zaira Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 If you want him to stop contacting you, ask him to stop.
Author Gottabestrong Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall How did he get your number to be texting you ? He texted to my old mobile number, whose contract only ran out 2 days after my birthday. He does not have my new number. Miss Gone-west, are you saying that I should reply for sure. Telling him either to leave me alone or something else? That otherwise this will never be resolved? I guess I could do that, but then I know that I am still very vulnerable when it comes to him, and I could not accept a rejection easily. Besides right now I got nearly 4 months of NC under my belt, which I am quite proud of, and if I reply I would have to start counting from scratch. Through all the replies I got I feel confirmed in my decision to ignore him, and I guess he will stop contacting me by himself, when he sees that I am absolutely not replying to him. Just wish he would stay away from my sister as well. Dont want to hear about him through the grapevine. Thank you for your opinions guys, feel more assured of myself now. His message was not meant to be the opener for reconcilliation, but just a way to feel me out.
greenhorn Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 GBS, I remember you from our previous exchange of replies months back. First thing, there seems to be no real & serious motive behind his contacts, he is just fishing and atbest just want to string you along. I am really proud that you are doing NC for about 4 months now, great considering the problem you had faced during initial days. Don't break it , there is no need to respond to his messages and now since you have new number then he wont be able to contact you either. Ask your sister to ignore his messages so there would be no problem from that end, as far as cutting the grapevine is concerned then there is only way , cut off all the mutual friends, I know this is difficult but the only way to cut the grape vine. It is hard losing many friends in one stroke but it is imperative, I have done this and it helps a lot. All this will ensure that he is no more in your life, might be in memories as someone dead. You have a life to live and there are many good ppl out there. Once again I repeat, don't reply to him, cut him dead completely.
Author Gottabestrong Posted July 13, 2005 Author Posted July 13, 2005 Thanks for the encouraging words. I have not replied to his mail and have pretty much decided not to in the future either. I just dont get why he continues to contact me, even though I have ignored his 10 messages or so in the last 4 months. Would not he have stopped by now if he only wanted to string me along? Something tells me that this was not the last time I have heard from him, as he has told me a few times already that he was not gonna bother me again, but yet he did. So I guess I will just gather my strength and prepare myself for the next message, which is bound to come sooner or later. Gosh, one could believe that I was the one who broke up with him, and not vice versa.
butterfly29 Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 Ahrrrhhh, just tell'em: listen, you a$$! You hurt me, broke my heart, now would you please stop reminding me that you exist?! jk But seriously, he will probably write again and again... and again. Donno him as a person so it's hard to tell what he wants. Most likely he's just lonely, bored or unhappy about life, but you don't have to fall for it. You can live up to your name
Author Gottabestrong Posted July 14, 2005 Author Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by butterfly29 listen, you a$$! You hurt me, broke my heart, now would you please stop reminding me that you exist?! I like that. If I ever decide to reply, I might just use those words. Thanks for the tip.
shygurl Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 One thing that strikes me as strange - he obviously hurt you a great deal by breaking up with you, after a 2.5 yr relationship - by coming right out and telling you he didn't see a future with you (ouch!).....so why is he communicating with your sister and why is she communicating with him? If some guy broke my sister's heart and he was trying to communicate with me, out of loyalty and love to/for my sister, I'd tell the guy where to go and how to get there. So why is your sister giving this dude the time of day? Also, was he so close to your sister when you and he were together ,such that there's an understandable reason why he's still in touch with her?
Author Gottabestrong Posted July 14, 2005 Author Posted July 14, 2005 Hi shygirl good question. Well, my sister liked him a lot since she first met him and the first couple of months that he lived here and did not have a job, she nearly called him on a daily basis, just to have a chat with him. That was nearly 2 years ago though. After that they never really had much contact, unless we drove out to visit her and her family, once every couple of months and on holidays. Since he broke up with me he contacted her twice. Once in april to ask if I had a new boyfriend, and now to just ask how she was. This all very strange and my sister and I agree that he is not interested in being friends with her, but wants to get info about me from her. About replying to him, even though she is my sister and should be on my side, I asked her to ignore his messages, but she thinks that would be rude and she does not want to do that. I guess she feels she does have some sort of connection with him that is independant of me, even though I dont know what kind that could be. I would prefer if she just ignored his messages, but she wont, and I dont want to pick a fight over it. But thanks for reminding me, I guess I will try to talk to her about this one more time. (Did once in april, when he contacted her for the first time.)
Author Gottabestrong Posted August 3, 2005 Author Posted August 3, 2005 Update, my ex called my sister last night. He sent her a text saying that he would like to call her to 'talk about everything'. I gave her my okay to tell him to call her because I wanted to know what he had to say. Well, for the most part he spoke about his life and how great it is. He has many friends, does all his favorite sports and enjoys work a lot. When my sister asked if he had a new girlfriend, he said that he has many chances to get together with someone, but he is waiting for the 'best' and does not want to repeat mistakes he made in the past. He asked about me and as obstructed my sister told him that I am doing fabulously and that I am very happy. He said that he is really happy to hear that as he wishes me all the best in the world. He also said that he really cares about my sister and would love to stay in touch with her. She replied that she did not think I would appreciate that and that he hurt me a lot and should understand that. He said he did. At some point he also mentioned that he would like to be friends with me, but understood that I did not want this as I am really hurt. But he hopes that one day I am ready to be friends with him. After I spoke to my sister I started crying because it seems obvious to me that he does not miss me and does not want me back. Apparently the hole that my absence left in his life is not hard to fill. It also hurts a lot that he said he is waiting for the 'best' to come along. Does not he know that I was the best? Why was I not good enough? And why does he tell my sister about it? I have this urge to contact him and ask him to meet. It's been 10 months since he dumped me but I am still thinking about him all the time and I still miss him so much. Hearing about him today really hurt like crazy and took me back to square one. I would love to think that he misses me after all, but is too proud to say it. After all, why contact my sister when he has not seen her in a year? Their friendship cant be that strong then. Any thoughts or advice?
westernxer Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 He's trying to get the goods on you... sounds like things aren't going well for him. DON'T call him. He broke it... so let him fix it.
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