No contact rule?

[Nleal]

Hello everyone, I'm going through one of the most difficult break ups in my life the woman i wanted to marry broke up with me a week before Valentine's Day, but before I start let me tell you all of you a little about myself.

 

I'm 30 years old and my ex is 32, we have a lot of mutual friends and our families are both rooting for us they have known each other before we even dated. Celina and I dated for 3 years the reason she told me we broke up was she wasn't feeling the same and I believe her since this was a long time coming she did try but i don't think she was able to reignite the flame she once felt for me. We had a wonderful trip in the month of December with my whole family up in the mountains it was great and when I came back I had to work temporarily 4 hours away for 6 months but I was visiting every 2 weeks. One of those weekends we had dinner and we went home we had a small argument she walked out and I didn't follow her, the next day she broke up with me over the phone. That same night was her brothers birthday and I was invited to but did not go obviously. Around 4 am she sent drunk texts which I just replied is everyone okay? She said no and then kept saying sorry and said she was home. I left it at that, that Sunday was the Super Bowl and she sent me a text but on the text it was thanking her sister in law, so I didn't reply.

 

When I went back to Tampa I messaged her if we could talk and she said yes, i called her and we spoke about our relationship she cried and just kept saying she wasn't feeling the same and that wasn't fair for me or her, and all this stuff. I agreed and we hung up. Shortly after she sent me a few text messages with picture quotes saying things like, it's worth to wait, time does good it was about 9 of these quotes and a picture of us on New Years was the last of that text.

 

The last text she sent me was a couple days after that saying I hope your doing well �� Just like that. I didn't reply and the week went on I posted a picture of a sunset on Facebook and she liked it. But we never spoke. I flew back to Miami on Friday after 2 weeks of being in Tampa and went to a baby shower just for guys to bring diaper and drink beers, her brother and father was there I didn't bring anything up but they posted pictures on Facebook and she liked it. A week went by and I went to a birthday Bbq which I was invited on Facebook and checked to see if she was on the list and she wasn't but her brother was so I went.

 

She showed up to the bbq this past weekend my heart was pounding she was overly dressed looked beautiful she said hi to me and said she was going to see Liam which is our God son the next day I said great and asked her if she wanted me to leave she said no, I went to the bathroom and when I came out I saw her through the window looking outside to see if I had left. I continued to enjoy the party away from her. Towards the end I saw her speaking to a guy that I felt wanted her I was drinking so these bad thoughts kept playing over my head so I walked up to her and asked if she was going to keep talking to that guy in front of me. She pulled me outside said they were just talking and I just left the party looking like a fool. Now I'm miserable because how weak I lookedi also deleted her that night from Facebook out of anger but she still has my family and I hers. My question what do I do if the she never contacts me during the no contact rule.

 

Ps: I'm sorry for errors I'm typing on my phone and in a rush on my lunch break.

Edited March 1, 2016 by Nleal

[Satu]

There is no "no contact rule."

 

 

No contact is about two things, and two things only:

 

 

1. It protects you from further hurt.

 

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

 

 

Thats all it is, and all it does.

[Nleal]

There is no "no contact rule."

 

 

No contact is about two things, and two things only:

 

 

1. It protects you from further hurt.

 

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

 

 

Thats all it is, and all it does.

 

Well from what I have said is there anything in there that gives me a chance to be with her again? Is there hope?

[Satu]

Well from what I have said is there anything in there that gives me a chance to be with her again? Is there hope?

 

How big a part does alcohol play in your lives?

[Nleal]

Not a big part at all, I guess we drink socially we don't drink everyday, we both take care of our bodies. But we drink when we go out.

[Satu]

Not a big part at all, I guess we drink socially we don't drink everyday, we both take care of our bodies. But we drink when we go out.

 

In your original post, she exhibited problematic behaviour whilst drunk, and so did you.

 

That is not insignificant.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Well from what I have said is there anything in there that gives me a chance to be with her again? Is there hope?

 

None of us knows her or what's going on in her head. She sounds confused. Sounds like she likes the thought of knowing she can still have you but also wants her freedom. At this point you should initiate no contact. Nothing you're going to do at this point is going to bring her back. For the love of god please do not beg and plead...and HELL NO to any sort of friendship. If she still wants to be with you she'll make it known. She will not forget about you after 3 years so don't worry about that.

 

Move on with your life the best you can. Take it from someone who is going through something similar and listen to the great advice you're going to get on this forum. I periodically come back here for reality checks. Go to the gym, get out of the house. Stick to NC. Hang out with your buddies. Time heals all wounds...stupid cliche but 100% true.

[Nleal]

To be honest the problem was the boiling jealousy I was feeling when I saw speaking to another man, the alcohol just made me act on going confront her. I can live without alcohol.

[Nleal]

None of us knows her or what's going on in her head. She sounds confused. Sounds like she likes the thought of knowing she can still have you but also wants her freedom. At this point you should initiate no contact. Nothing you're going to do at this point is going to bring her back. For the love of god please do not beg and plead...and HELL NO to any sort of friendship. If she still wants to be with you she'll make it known. She will not forget about you after 3 years so don't worry about that.

 

Move on with your life the best you can. Take it from someone who is going through something similar and listen to the great advice you're going to get on this forum. I periodically come back here for reality checks. Go to the gym, get out of the house. Stick to NC. Hang out with your buddies. Time heals all wounds...stupid cliche but 100% true.

Thank you so much, I was doing good on the NC until I saw her in person, if I could rewind time I would of left after seeing her show up. It just hurts when i think of her it feels like I got shot by a 12 gauge shot gun to the chest. I just want to wake up one day and have our usual morning text message conversation, I miss her family and out dated hopefully, me focusing on myself will show us both the light.

[Satu]

To be honest the problem was the boiling jealousy I was feeling when I saw speaking to another man, the alcohol just made me act on going confront her. I can live without alcohol.

 

At the moment at least, you can't be together.

 

The future is unknown.

 

I agree with Learningtowalkagain.

 

NC is your best option at the moment.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Thank you so much, I was doing good on the NC until I saw her in person, if I could rewind time I would of left after seeing her show up. It just hurts when i think of her it feels like I got shot by a 12 gauge shot gun to the chest. I just want to wake up one day and have our usual morning text message conversation, I miss her family and out dated hopefully, me focusing on myself will show us both the light.

 

Look up the 5 stages of grieving. Right now you're in denial which is stage one. It's over. She probably moved on emotionally well before the break up. Women move on easier then do men because they have a better support system and talk things out with their girlfriends. 75% of the time women are the dumpee.

 

I only tell you this because you're going to start looking for every silver lining. "She liked my fb post" is a perfect example. DO NOT stay in contact with her. My ex drunk text'd me at 1 AM the other night because she thought I was dating our mutual friend. I was 1 month NC. I broke it and responded to her. Now I'm regretting it.

 

Delete her from all your social media. So, so, so important. You're going to obsess over every like and comment she gets on every picture. Every weekend you see her out with friends your minds going to go to a dark horrible place. Don't let it. Move on.

[ribeto]

I walked up to her and asked if she was going to keep talking to that guy in front of me.

 

That was a really bad move. Imagine it from her point of view. Imagine if you acted cool, and sort of distant and detached like what she did or didn't do had no real effect on you. It might have built some mystery, some intrigue within her.. she'd be thinking "wow he's really focused elsewehere, I wonder what he's thinking about or WHO he's thinking about.. maybe I miss him a bit".

 

Instead you pulled the ole' "You gonna pull that talking to other guys crap in front of me"?! crap as if you own her and you can't contain your misery and jealousy.

 

Bad, bad move. You need to get a grip. If quitting drinking helps get you there then just do it.

[Nleal]

That was a really bad move. Imagine it from her point of view. Imagine if you acted cool, and sort of distant and detached like what she did or didn't do had no real effect on you. It might have built some mystery, some intrigue within her.. she'd be thinking "wow he's really focused elsewehere, I wonder what he's thinking about or WHO he's thinking about.. maybe I miss him a bit".

 

Instead you pulled the ole' "You gonna pull that talking to other guys crap in front of me"?! crap as if you own her and you can't contain your misery and jealousy.

 

Bad, bad move. You need to get a grip. If quitting drinking helps get you there then just do it.

 

Trust me I know it was a terrible move, I beat myself over it for the past couple of days...I just don't understand how we can go from having the best vacation to being broken up! My first couple of weeks in Tampa we would FaceTime and she was supportive and would tell me she loved me! But we still had a issue that something inside of her was unsure about us or marriage... Is that a case of cold feet? Could it be she wants time to see how she really feels?? At the party I felt like she dressed up to make me notice her even more and when she was looking outside to see if I left she looked concerned. By the way she also texted my family to tell them we fought at the party and that I left after having drinks and she was worried. And for them to let them know when I got home. I'm just getting mixed signals..

[mightycpa]

My question what do I do if the she never contacts me during the no contact rule.

What do you do? You work to get over her, that's what you do. That might mean ignoring her family, and telling yours to stop talking to you about her.

 

Then one day, you'll see that she's just an ordinary person and it will mean nothing to you that you see her or you don't.

 

Then you can get back to normal relations, if you even care to do it by that time.

[ribeto]

At the party I felt like she dressed up to make me notice her even more and when she was looking outside to see if I left she looked concerned.

 

Don't overthink, you may be seeing things that aren't there. She could have dressed up nice, because that's what women do at parties, she may have been looking to attract other men; she could have been looking around for a zillion other reasons and it probably had nothing to do with you at all.

 

 

By the way she also texted my family to tell them we fought at the party and that I left after having drinks and she was worried. And for them to let them know when I got home. I'm just getting mixed signals..

 

She was obviously concerned for you- she cares but that does not mean anything more.

 

The expression "grasping at straws" comes to mind.

[Nleal]

Don't overthink, you may be seeing things that aren't there. She could have dressed up nice, because that's what women do at parties, she may have been looking to attract other men; she could have been looking around for a zillion other reasons and it probably had nothing to do with you at all.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from but when she went to the front yard shortly after i told her that maybe i should leave and was looking around to see if my car was gone was very real she did that. But i had left the bathroom and was in the bedroom where the owner was showing me the house.. She didnt realize that i was still in the house she saw the bathroom empty and went straight outside to see if i had left i saw her through the window tip toe trying to see my car..

Edited March 2, 2016 by Nleal

[ribeto]

she saw the bathroom empty and went straight outside to see if i had left i saw her through the window tip toe trying to see my car..

 

Ok she was checking to see if you left. Maybe she was worried about you after you blew up at her. She still cares, but that's it. Doesn't change anything.