JLove7 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Me and my girlfriend of almost 4 months are in a weird situation. Long story short, our first time sexually was supposed to be a little over a week ago. Due to very little sleep, physical fatigue, personal pressure of the moment and alcohol, i was not able to get it up when it mattered most (although shortly before i was). She thought it was her but i reassured her that it wasnt and told her the reasons. She told me "you are supposed to be 'the one' and this isnt supposed to happen like this". Since then its been up and down. Some moments she wants to get it on but then she will say she is nervous about what happened. Sometimes we are good and then she gets real bitchy and nitpicks the smallest things. At this moment we are good but im trying to fix this for good. Seems like the ultimate solution is to have sex and clear her sexual frustration which she admitted to have....the issue is it seems like she is putting up walls and resistance. I tried to be aggressive about it and hit her a few nights ago saying "im hopping int he shower and im coming by". She took it the wrong way as if i was treating her like a booty call. She hit me up a few hours before that saying she just got home, and questioned why i waited till 10 to ask to hang out...despite her cutting the conversation short saying she just wanted to say hello. She kept making a big deal about that part so it seemed to me as if she wanted me to take initiative to spend time with her at that particular time. We ironed that out but i know there is alot of more work to do. I feel like she is taking the situation that happened too personal and she is allowing her frustration to take over. Im doing my best to control the situation and letting her know her attitude as of late has not been necessary, but overall the cure to all of this is not being allowed to happen. Should i be going at it more aggressively or should i let it come natural like i did when it was "supposed to happen" the first time? I feel like i need to take advantage of the times we are together and be more physical and aggressive than usual, but any strategy and pointers are greatly appreciated. Help guys!!!
smackie9 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Back off and leave her alone....let her have more time. Ask her what she expects, tell her to think about it, and make it happen together later. 2
Author JLove7 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 Ok i think thats a logical approach...but do u think that still applies even thought we are good right now? She texted me this morning as if everything was normal....i should be letting her initiate contact more right now, you're saying?
MrMeh Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 If you continue to behave aggressively then I believe she will just think you were in it to simply have sex. I would suggest remaining calm and civil and just asking her if you guys can talk about what's happening between you two. Having sex isn't a panacea for relationship problems, but having a rational discussion is pretty close.
spriggan2 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 What's this whole you're supposed to be the one therefore our very first sexual experience needs to be magic? Especially considering the circumstances you described. Sounds like shes being silly to me. Also sounds like an easy fix though if she's just more patent. 1
Author JLove7 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 I definitely agree that sex doesnt solve relationship problems, but it seems like the lack of sex is actually causing the relationship problems right now. It all seems to be stemming from that situation. I do get your point about being too aggressive. She really seemed to be offended the other night, i had to make sure she understood that i just wanted to be with her even if we just cuddled and didnt have sex. So yea maybe aggression might not be the best choice. I have to keep building trust. We have spoken about it...i told her im focused on having fun and enjoying each other to get past this and she merits me being positive...but she is having a more difficult time getting past it.
Author JLove7 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 @spriggan thats exactly what i thought!!!! Its not a disney movie!!! I think she built up expectations with me and is mad it didnt happen the way she put in her head. I am flattered that she thinks so highly of me, and we have both expressed we love each other, but we gotta remain realistic. She also mentioned this never happened with anyone else before, so that doesnt help her mentality neither. Definitely an easy fix....she just needs to relax and let it flow... Stop thinking so much. But it feels like she is looking to me to fix it so this is why im formulating a solution
basil67 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 You didn't give your ages. Given her reaction, I'm thinking she's 16 and thinks life happens like in the movies. Sadly, I have no advice. I'd like to tell her to 'get real' but suspect it will only exacerbate the situation.
Author JLove7 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 Im 32 and she is 34. U will be surprised how many grown women have unrealistic expectations in their heads. Ironically one of the things that attracted me to her was her realistic, logical approach to life and relationships...but that was before she fell in love with me...things tend to change afterwards lol. I dont blame her though, i didnt expect it to b that way our first time neither...but i can put it past me way easier than she can obviously
preraph Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 (edited) Sex shouldn't be this much of a struggle. It should be you spend time, you cuddle on the couch, you kiss, you get carried away and do it. There's too much planning going into this for it to even be sexy. You're putting pressure on yourself that way. Don't try to do last-minute booty calls just because you got it up. If you can't get it up while you're just with her and loving on each other, then see a doctor. And without you ever saying a thing about it, I would caution if you're watching porn, stop it. There's a conditioning that happens from doing it too much to porn that can make it hard to do it any other way. You get off "the routine" when it's real life if you watch too much porn, or some do. So lay off all porn for awhile if you've been using it at all. And on your next attempt, just make you your mind you're only going to do foreplay on her and you're going to find that thing that feels good to her and then you're going to do it for 20 minutes if necessary until she either gets off or tells you to. Random ED doesn't have to be a big deal as long as you don't stop and get mad when you get it but instead dig in, so to speak. If you get her off in other ways, she's not going to complain about that or possibly even notice. Edited March 1, 2016 by preraph
Author JLove7 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 Well to be honest, before that situation i was watching porn alot cuz she had me waiting lol. And i know that may have been another factor in why it happened that way. I cut out the porn since then. As far as the booty call i looked at it like this: if we ****, great!!! If we spend time and just chill, great!!! I just wanted to be with her and i wanted to be aggressive about it. As far as getting upset or pressuring myself i definitely did do that when it happened. I can admit to that no problem. I focused so much on turning her on that she told me no one ever made her that aroused off of foreplay before. So that may have made her more upset cuz i took her to that point and didnt deliver cuz of my temporary ED. Overall im not worried about the situation and some male friends told me its normal and happens here and there to almost everyone. I have been taking initiative of eating foods that help prevent ED and getting more sleep (which i barely had that night being up almost 48 hours) so i look at this as a way to only improve myself and stay on my game. Salvage positive from a negative
Author JLove7 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Posted March 1, 2016 And since then when im with her i be locked and loaded when we make out, dance, etc...just waiting for the second chance. I definitely get the points that everyone has made though and i appreciate it
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