Told about past sexual abuse on first date...how to proceed...what to expect?

March 1, 2016

So I met a chill girl at the bar a month or so ago. I met her while she was out with a friend, and befriended them both. We have hung out a couple times with friends, and then I finally asked her out on a date last week. The date did seem to go well as there was kissing and a little hand holding. But during the middle of our first date, while discussing our dating history and what not...she did mention that she was raped in her late teens.

We are in our late 20s now...so its been awhile...but still thats a serious life experience. I tried my best to be understanding and listen...and she didnt really go into detail...but just said she shared because it helps explain her dating past and the person she is today.

She was also of the mindset that there's no good time to drop that news. Very true

And tbh, I don't disagree with her. If I find out later, its a shock because by then if Im pretty attached and I have news dropped on me...then Id be piecing together her behavior. In my head Id be like "oooooh, that explains why she reacted this way when....insert an experience of ours together". But with her telling me now, shes letting me know that if she reacts strangely during a moment with me, Ill know why.

But with all that said, I don't know if I should proceed or how to proceed. She's a nice girl, we get along well, had an enjoyable first date...and do have chemistry (good kissing, good attraction, good getting along)

But I gotta wonder what physical, emotional, or mental road blocks lie ahead depending on where things lead. Its like now Im open to dating her for some time, but Im also wary about losing a friend who I thought was cool, if things dont work out.

Yeah Id like to think we could stay friends depending on where things lead, thats if we dont end up dating seriously. But in my experience, I have not remained friends with any woman Ive dated or slept with. Either they don't have much interest in staying in my life, or vice-versa. Ive gotten better with that as Ive gotten older...but I still experience women who want to bail all together (which is understandable depending on how they felt about me)

At best Ive remained acquaintences with a couple...but we barely if ever talk anymore. This girl I took out, on the other hand, has remained friends with a guy she dated over a year ago...but mostly because he wanted. She was ready to bail all together (and tbh, Im not thrilled about her being friends with someone she dated...but Im new on the scene...so thats not my business yet.) Anyways, even though she says she's capable of staying friends...who knows.

All in all, Im just frightened of potential drama (especially the painful emotional kind)...especially if she turns out to be someone I really like and could date for more than just a few weeks. And with the way her and I relate...she doesn't seem like the type of girl I would just have sex with and chill with every week. She's actually someone who I feel like we'd establish a real friendship, on top of the boy-girl stuff.

Any advice? Going in I was thinking "ok Im gonna take this cute chill girl on a date...and if all goes well, maybe I have a decent friend to date for some time and see where it goes". Now Im just feeling unsure and cautious.

Plus, her friend that I met her with...I get along with her well. And Id hate to lose out on two friends down the line. Im getting ahead of myself here I know...thinking in the future...but I dont have many local friends...so thats important to me.(most of my close friends are further away)

tl;dr: Met a couple of cool girls a month or so ago. Became friends with both. Eventually asked one of them out. Was told about a past rape during the first date. Need advice on how to proceed and what to expect.

And Im now concerned about potential issues that may arise going forward. And if things don't work out, Im worried about losing 2 cool new friends.

Edited March 1, 2016 by anderZ

March 1, 2016

I was raped when I was 21. I've never told a guy I dated or was in a relationship about it. Why? Because I never wanted them to think of me like you're now thinking of her.

I'm not saying your reaction is wrong- it's just typical. It's how we'd all react to learn this about someone we're dating. How is their past pain going to affect us- specifically me- going forward?

I'm not sure why she shared this information with you. Some people want to tell everyone, some want to tell no one. Maybe she likes you a LOT and just really wants you to know more about her.

We can recover from sexual trauma. We usually need therapy to do so- has she been through treatment? Rape doesn't mean a person is damaged forever, or is going to have issues forever. Everyone has issues that a significant other eventually has to deal with.

The question is, do you like her enough to deal with her issues?

March 1, 2016

If she can talk about it to a relative stranger she is probably further along in her healing than many. Applaud her!

Date her like you would any other women but let her set the pace of your physical encounters.

March 1, 2016

It seems you are thinking about her now like she has a handicap or something. I'm not saying that it wasn't traumatic on her but she mentioned telling you because she didn't want to weird you out or make you think something was wrong with you later.

Since you really like her I would just keep getting to know her. If/when it comes up again ask a few followup questions about what she did to come to peace with what happened to her. You'll be able to tell a lot about how she dealt with it and how much it might impact your relationship with her if you just ask a few questions in a non-judgmental, caring way.

March 1, 2016

If she can talk about it to a relative stranger she is probably further along in her healing than many. Applaud her! .

I would conclude the opposite. If she needs to share it on a first date it's because it's still sitting in the front row of her life. This is something major to drop on someone on a first date, why? I imagine it's because it's to warn the person she is still carrying important trauma of that aggression.

If you have dealt with your trauma, if you have been in therapy and managed to move on from it, I don't think you go around identifying yourself still with that trauma.

March 1, 2016

I was raped when I was 21. I've never told a guy I dated or was in a relationship about it. Why? Because I never wanted them to think of me like you're now thinking of her.

I'm not saying your reaction is wrong- it's just typical. It's how we'd all react to learn this about someone we're dating. How is their past pain going to affect us- specifically me- going forward?

I'm not sure why she shared this information with you. Some people want to tell everyone, some want to tell no one. Maybe she likes you a LOT and just really wants you to know more about her.

We can recover from sexual trauma. We usually need therapy to do so- has she been through treatment? Rape doesn't mean a person is damaged forever, or is going to have issues forever. Everyone has issues that a significant other eventually has to deal with.
The question is, do you like her enough to deal with her issues?

I don't think Im the first guy she's told about it. She seemed to be very rational about her decision to tell me. And how there'd never be a "good" time to tell someone about that. And it came up mostly because she was trying to explain why her recent dating history, and warn me that if she does act strange in a particular situation, that it had nothing to do with me specifically.

So yeah, it does seem like shes gotten better since the event happened, but that there's still some issues there. Shes really cool and I get along with her well....but of course this gives me pause. She even told me that she thought she may be scaring me off. And to answer your other question, Im not sure if shes been to therapy for this issue.

All in all, Im willing to move forward and give this a go for a while to see how well we click...but I am rather cautious about what drama may lie ahead. At the moment Im not gearing up to bail though.

March 1, 2016

I'm going to set aside the rape survivor part of this and let others address that.

One thing that stood out to me was the fact that you seem really keen to remain friends with her. Particularly after dating her (assuming you get that far and ultimately break up). This is the point that I find most interesting. It sounds like you want to start remaining friends with former dating partners going forward. There is not necessarily anything wrong with that. But what struck me was the fact that you said you would not be comfortable with her (or any girl you are dating) remaining friends with former lovers.

I think that is something you are going to have to think about and reconcile in your head. To remain consistent, you would need to be ok with your current girlfriend (whoever that is) being friends with former lovers if you are doing (or wanting to do) the same thing. The other side of the coin is that it is perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable/not ok with a girlfriend remaining friends with former lovers, but you would have to take the same stance with your former lovers.

I know this didn't address your original question, but the issue above is what stood out in your post the most to me.

It sounds like you value the friendship of both these girls more highly than the opportunity to date that girl. Maybe you should simply stay friends with both of them.

March 1, 2016

So, I've had some crappy things happen in my life. The last one was 13 years ago.

A big one is when I was 16 and probably had the sexual maturity of a 12 year old today, I was seduced and groomed by a married man 20 or so years older than I was. It was a predatory, manipulative seduction. I can't begin to explain how naive and innocent I was.

It's been many, many years. I know it warped and formed who I am now.

And I don't tell it. Bad men exploit it, good men run.

I had three awful relationships after my divorce. Those are my test balloons. These men cheated, were way too friendly with other women (sometimes an Ex), were financial mooches and used lack of communication as a weapon. I gradually let those stories be told and then I watch to see what the man does. If I tell him (more graceful than this) not returning a phone call or text before the end of the day bothers me and he subtly starts doing that, I've got my answer.

This could be her "test" for you. Will you run or will you stay? Are you someone she can count on in a crisis? She may be looking for the best mate for her.

Now, if she hasn't had any counseling, I'd suggest backing off. Counseling can help her be the best she can be and process the event. Not doing that is a bad sign.

March 1, 2016

I'm going to set aside the rape survivor part of this and let others address that.

One thing that stood out to me was the fact that you seem really keen to remain friends with her. Particularly after dating her (assuming you get that far and ultimately break up). This is the point that I find most interesting. It sounds like you want to start remaining friends with former dating partners going forward. There is not necessarily anything wrong with that. But what struck me was the fact that you said you would not be comfortable with her (or any girl you are dating) remaining friends with former lovers.

I think that is something you are going to have to think about and reconcile in your head. To remain consistent, you would need to be ok with your current girlfriend (whoever that is) being friends with former lovers if you are doing (or wanting to do) the same thing. The other side of the coin is that it is perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable/not ok with a girlfriend remaining friends with former lovers, but you would have to take the same stance with your former lovers.

I know this didn't address your original question, but the issue above is what stood out in your post the most to me.

It sounds like you value the friendship of both these girls more highly than the opportunity to date that girl. Maybe you should simply stay friends with both of them.

I dont normally stay friends with women I've dated... and I'm not really looking for that here. I am more concerned about keeping her as a friend if things dont move forward.

Like I said I don't have many friends locally...and most of my close friends live far away. So I really value the friendships I'm gaining now

Regarding the rest of your point, I've never really stayed friends with former lovers... so I dont necessarily think that's something I must accept. But its still early and I'm still getting to know this girl. But from what she told me she only stayed friends because the guy really pushed it..and that she was ready to ghost hom.

That's what I'm usually used to experiencing. Ive either ghosted or have been ghosted when things don't work out. Seems to make things easier I'm terms of moving forward

Anyways, yeah I do value both girls friendship... but now I feel really drawn to one of them... so I do kinda wanna go for it despite my reservations

Edited March 1, 2016 by anderZ

March 1, 2016

I'm not saying your reaction is wrong- it's just typical. It's how we'd all react to learn this about someone we're dating. How is their past pain going to affect us- specifically me- going forward?

If she can talk about it to a relative stranger she is probably further along in her healing than many. Applaud her!

I would conclude the opposite. If she needs to share it on a first date it's because it's still sitting in the front row of her life. This is something major to drop on someone on a first date, why? I imagine it's because it's to warn the person she is still carrying important trauma of that aggression.

It seems you are thinking about her now like she has a handicap or something. I'm not saying that it wasn't traumatic on her but she mentioned telling you because she didn't want to weird you out or make you think something was wrong with you later.

You know this is a difficult subject, and I will say OLD has fundamentally transformed my thinking about the sexual abuse of women.

I have had maybe 7-10 women in initial (in person, conversations) admit to some sort of sexual or mental physical, abuse on first date and several more mentioned in later conversations. Keep in mind these were successful, educated by this time with all they were in their mid to late 40’s many incidents happened years ago. For some reason with me (again after fairly significant email or phone exchanges before first in person meet) some women have revealed some things that frankly caught me off guard.

Why I understood this:

trying to explain why her recent dating history, and warn me that if she does act strange in a particular situation, that it had nothing to do with me specifically.

Now for me personally did not change how I thought about them, none seemed broken or injured by the revelation but it just made me think more and more about how many women are affected. My daughter was a victim of relationship violence and maybe that is why I process it differently than many guys or in particular younger guys.

We can’t know everything there is to know about someone and of course a great number of women may always keep this type of information to themselves.

March 1, 2016

I dont normally stay friends with women I've dated... and I'm not really looking for that here. I am more concerned about keeping her as a friend if things dont move forward.

Like I said I don't have many friends locally...and most of my close friends live far away. So I really value the friendships I'm gaining now

I don't think you would have any problem remaining friends with this girl (and her friend) if you back off the dating now. It has only been one date without any real emotional or physical engagement. Generally, the remaining friends after dating only becomes an issue once things cross the intimacy line (emotionally and/or physically). If keeping these friendships is a high priority for you, then I think you can do so by suspending further dating and just remaining friends.

March 1, 2016

If she is bringing up, she is still dealing with it of sorts. The best thing you can do is communicate well with her and go from there.

I agree that an incident like this, tho tragic, shouldn't define a person.

March 1, 2016

So, I've had some crappy things happen in my life. The last one was 13 years ago.

A big one is when I was 16 and probably had the sexual maturity of a 12 year old today, I was seduced and groomed by a married man 20 or so years older than I was. It was a predatory, manipulative seduction. I can't begin to explain how naive and innocent I was.

It's been many, many years. I know it warped and formed who I am now.

And I don't tell it. Bad men exploit it, good men run.

I had three awful relationships after my divorce. Those are my test balloons. These men cheated, were way too friendly with other women (sometimes an Ex), were financial mooches and used lack of communication as a weapon. I gradually let those stories be told and then I watch to see what the man does. If I tell him (more graceful than this) not returning a phone call or text before the end of the day bothers me and he subtly starts doing that, I've got my answer.

This could be her "test" for you. Will you run or will you stay? Are you someone she can count on in a crisis? She may be looking for the best mate for her.

Now, if she hasn't had any counseling, I'd suggest backing off. Counseling can help her be the best she can be and process the event. Not doing that is a bad sign.

Regarding therapy, I don't know if shes been to any. And I don't plan on asking details about this past event. If she plans to share like she already has, Im all ears, and I want to be understanding and thoughtful. But I don't think its in my place to bring it up or ask questions.

Regarding whether this is a "test" for me? Maybe. I dunno. As it stands shes been hard for me to read. Since shes not much of a texter, I don't talk to her much unless Im with her. So itll be hard for me to gauge if I should be pursuing, or if I should hang back and let her hit me up. I have my own life, and she has hers...but I do want to spend time with her.

March 1, 2016

If she can talk about it to a relative stranger she is probably further along in her healing than many. Applaud her!

Yeah, but, no. Telling people that you've been raped is dropping a huge bomb. Case in point- OP has no idea how to respond to this information. He may not admit it, but I bet anything he wishes that he never knew about it. Giving a relative stranger this type of information is putting a lot of responsibility on them to react appropriately. I'm sure people here are uncomfortable with how to respond properly, and we are all strangers who owe each other nothing.

I'm not saying we shouldn't "applaud her", though I don't know why being a rape survivor warrants applause in the first place. But I completely agree with this-

I would conclude the opposite. If she needs to share it on a first date it's because it's still sitting in the front row of her life. This is something major to drop on someone on a first date, why? I imagine it's because it's to warn the person she is still carrying important trauma of that aggression.

If you have dealt with your trauma, if you have been in therapy and managed to move on from it, I don't think you go around identifying yourself still with that trauma.

Opening up to someone so early about something so tragic actually means likely that she hasn't dealt with it properly. My heart hurts every single time I hear another rape story. OP I hope you can find a good way to talk to her about this again, and ask her if she's ever talked to a counselor about it.

I've found that a good way to suggest therapy to someone is saying something like- you know, a good friend of mine went through something similar to what happened to you. And they were really sad about it, until they finally talked it through with a therapist. Have you ever tried that? It might help. But I'm here to listen too, I just may not have the best advice.

March 1, 2016

I am not a rape survivor, but I am the survivor of a physical assault at the hands of someone I trusted. DidI've told a couple men I've dated since, with varying reactions. One cried, one looked at me differently, and one I think things never progressed because he knew what had happened and labeled me "damaged goods" because of it.

From reading your posts, there are several red flags here: this woman opens up and shares something deeply personal with you, that takes a lot of courage, something she didn't ask for and didn't deserve, and your response is to begin thinking of her as "damaged goods". Maybe there's other reasons the women you dated in the past didn't want to stay friends after the breakup!

March 1, 2016

I am not a rape survivor, but I am the survivor of a physical assault at the hands of someone I trusted. DidI've told a couple men I've dated since, with varying reactions. One cried, one looked at me differently, and one I think things never progressed because he knew what had happened and labeled me "damaged goods" because of it.

From reading your posts, there are several red flags here: this woman opens up and shares something deeply personal with you, that takes a lot of courage, something she didn't ask for and didn't deserve, and your response is to begin thinking of her as "damaged goods". Maybe there's other reasons the women you dated in the past didn't want to stay friends after the breakup!

1. What's wrong with me being cautious about dating someone who's had a traumatic past, and who may or may have not dealt with all those issues. If I simply wanted to write this girl off as damaged goods, I wouldn't have asked anyone for advice.

2. I've dated women with "issues" before or who have had bad pasts. I know personally how much drama and hurt (along with good times) can come from dating a woman like this if she hasn't healed from her negative experiences. Why should I be shamed for looking out for myself with regard to someone I'm still getting to know

3. Most women Ive dated I don't talk to anymore before I bailed. And I actually prefer it that way usually, because it minimizes future drama. Its rare for me to see a couple live happy and drama free with ex bfs or ex flings floating around their life.

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Told about past sexual abuse on first date...how to proceed...what to expect?

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