Love addiction ... Anyone else?

[Jasejasejase]

Hi all. Can't seem to stay away from posting and checking this all day ... It really is supporting me through a majorly depressive episode following another break up. My names Jase ... Im 34 ... And love in the United kingdom.

 

Some of you may have seen some of my other posts. I confess, im wallowing at the moment .. On day 9 of NC and struggling with that. Even though I know any contact is just going to cause more pain. But what I want to talk about is love addiction and I guess in some ways sex addiction (although mainly love addiction) has anyone got any experience of this, had counselling, read about it in depth? Its a concept I havent heard of before and another poster mentioned it ... And I read up and really think this is one of a host of things I struggle with.

 

I have always craved love ... And it has always been the major driver of my life and aspirations. Although itll sound pathetic, I remember obsessing about love and finding someone from the age of 9. Her name was Anna ... I even remember that. And this wasnt some idiotic schoolyard crush, this was wanting a proper relationship ... A girlfriend ... And I obsessed about this girl all the time. Then when I moved onto secondary school the same thing continued. I asked out everyone in sight, obsessing over them, sending love letters ... Again only wanting to have someone. My lack of confidence and self esteem was already present ... Wasn't very good looking or popular ... And pretty much got rejected wvhch made my condidnce worse - looking back, why would they say yes, I asked out everyone. One girl who did say yes ... I drove away because I was so intense. She came back into my life years later ... Around the age of 18 and everything got intense .. We had a baby within six months ... Married at 21 and had two more children. I don't regret this ... Those children I see all the time and love to bits.

 

I didn't cheat on my wife. But I also didn't behave well either. I did, as I changed jobs from a warehouse to an office, feel the lack of self esteem coming back and in this job I started to seek attention. It happened after a sporting event where a girl started emailing me. Like I said never xheated but this was wrong ... It wasn't innocent and shouldn't have happened. When this died down I wanted that attention, so emailed women at work ( this happens a lot more then you think) and of course got a reputation for being a bit of a pest. I don't know what it was I needed ... Some sort of attention. Regardless I got a bit of a name for myself and stopped. When my marriage ended, I did the emailing some more. Reputation back. This was 8 years ago and ever day since I have dedicated my life to finding someone. This isn't a happy dedication either but one filled with misery, insecurities and unhappiness (and plenty of rejection) I have tried ecery dating site ...

 

I have suffered with depression since my teens and have had two serious relationships since my wife. Both I have ruined. They start off intense, they seem to fall for me ... But im not easy to date. My desire for love and only love means I've never really made any friends ... And those I do have are normally female and we have some sort of past with. Without friends, the partner becomes my everything and that means you snother them, become obsessive, something they allow at first but then becomes an issue. As for me ... I start feeling odd after the initial Heat eases ... I don't look to cheat but I lose my confidence. I shouldn't, I know, but it happens

 

So here I am ... Single .. And this time I really have lost someone special ... And conpletly unsure how to deal with this. Suffering with depression, got therapy lined up, anti depressants, struggling majorly with no contact, haunted by the past, pained by the present, terrified by the future. I suffer with depression, low self esteem issues, and still just desperate for love. And only love.

 

Has anyone got any experience of this? Please don't be too harsh ... I've been very honest and know I don't come across well. Im not trying to justify anythkng I do or have done ... I just don't think im a bad person and have genuine issues

[ajaysutton]

I haven't had the experience you've had, but I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know what it's like to feel like you need to be loved, and to be lonely. Those are tough places to be in. I'm glad to hear you've got therapy lined up and stuff like that. Have you thought about going to church? Many people find a great deal of comfort and meaning there. It's worth looking into I think.