no future with you - update

[katiegrl]

I googled commitment phobes all over, but all the info I found talked about him being hot and cold, avoiding intimacy and stuff like that. He was into me from the first moment to the exact moment he dropped me like a hot potato. He never went cold on me. never. not once. for 5 months I was "the ideal woman", a day before dropping me he said "No one gives up on something like you".

 

I bet he's so happy now. getting rid of all this stress he was feeling, and going back to being a happy carefree bachelor.

 

There is a lot of garbage on the internet, educate yourself by reading books and articles written by qualified professionals.

 

I am telling you chilly his behavior is classic case commitment phobia.

 

I have been though it, know people who have been through it, I have educated myself about it and understand it.

 

You are trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. Please stop for your own sake.

 

I recommended a couple of great books, a great author and Itspointless recommended a great book as well.

 

Stay away from garbage on the internet (except for this site of course)...lol

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Downtown]

If he is such a commitment phobe, then why was he the one pushing and driving this relationship forward?

Chilly, he may have been pushing the relationship forward so aggressively because his infatuation over you was holding his fear of intimacy at bay. The infatuation convinced him that you were the nearly perfect woman who poses no threat to him.

 

Today he dumped me with "I don't see a future for us".... how is this possible??

This sudden "dumping" is possible because his intense infatuation evaporated -- as usually happens after about 4 months. This allowed his great fear of intimacy to return. As Katiegrl said (#45), he runs when "reality hits."

 

He is totally detached. He just closed the door on us with a slam and never looked back.

This "total detachment" is a key trait of the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style that ItsPointless suggested earlier (post #31). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., sudden flip from adoration to devaluation of you, complete detachment, strong self esteem, and inability to handle intimacy outside the brief courtship period -- are warning signs for D-A attachment (one of the several types of "commitment phobia," the term Katiegrl prefers). As ItsPointless explained, "dismissive-avoidant attached people have a positive self-image and a negative image of others (they expect others to eventually hurt them)."

 

The way this person is able to detach -- becoming "invulnerable" to his own feelings -- is to shut those feelings down, i.e., put them out of reach of his conscious mind. It is this behavior of dismissing his own feelings so quickly that gives rise to the name, "dismissive-avoidant attachment style." See, e.g., Dismissive-Avoidant.

 

He has been single for 3-4 years.... always finding faults in women he dated, and he didn't want to compromise.

Dr. Alan Graham refers to these fault-finding excuses as "deactivating strategies," which are the mental processes by which avoidant people convince themselves that relationships are not that important and their need for connection is only minimal at best (which usually is not really true except in rare cases). See Graham's The Avoidant Style.

 

He kept telling me his biggest turn off is neediness. That he likes me because I'm so independent, together and strong. He once told me "you know, one of the things I adore in you is the fact that you're so strong and you can handle a crisis even if I'm not there.

If he exhibits strong traits of D-A attachment, he is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. As I noted above, however, an exception to this limitation occurs for a few months during the courtship period, at which time infatuation holds his fear of intimacy at bay. Yet, even then, he will be looking for a partner who is "independent" and "not needy" because those traits indicate she may be able to tolerate sustained periods having little or no intimacy.

 

He's always very calm. he was always the voice of reason in our relationship.

If your exBF actually has a D-A attachment style, that calm behavior is what you should expect. These folks tend to remain calm and collected, even when their relationships are suddenly collapsing. Since early childhood, they have been suppressing and hiding their feelings. Consequently, they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from their relationship partners. Edited February 27, 2016 by Downtown

[Itspointless]

t is good to see a post by you Downtown. It has been a while for me.

Yet, even then, he will be looking for a partner who is "independent" and "not needy" because those traits indicate she may be able to tolerate sustained periods having little or no intimacy.

Very true I have been there, until I freaked out because she was ill (not life threatening but serious) which for me was a traumatic repetition. I was worried about her. I then learned the meaning of stonewalling.

[katiegrl]

I googled commitment phobes all over, but all the info I found talked about him being hot and cold, avoiding intimacy and stuff like that. He was into me from the first moment to the exact moment he dropped me like a hot potato. He never went cold on me. never. not once. for 5 months I was "the ideal woman", a day before dropping me he said "No one gives up on something like you".

 

I bet he's so happy now. getting rid of all this stress he was feeling, and going back to being a happy carefree bachelor.

 

Oh but he DID go cold on you....it took five months for him to go cold on you .....but he most certainly did go cold on you.

 

There have been cases of commitment phobic men who stayed with their girlfriends for years ....up until the point reality hit, after which they felt suffocated, boxed in, and panicked.

 

Their only relief was suddenly dumping the woman and blocking the RL out, like it never existed.

 

No one can say when reality will hit .....every CP is different.

 

It can hit after one date, a few dates, weeks, months or years.

 

With your guy, it took five months. Five months of promises, expectations that HE encouraged you to have .. plans for the future, etc.

 

Then suddenly and without warning ...reality hit him, he starts panicking, and he's off and running.

 

chilly, don't be surprised if he comes back in a few weeks ....he may even cry.

 

Once he's away from you and the RL, once he starts feeling relief from the stress, the expectations, the *commitment*.... he will start to miss you and want to come back....only to begin the whole cycle again.

 

Read the books!!!! :)

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Itspointless]

There have been cases of commitment phobic men who stayed with their girlfriends for years ....up until the point reality hit, after which they felt suffocated, boxed in, and panicked.

Well there actually still is a thread going on by someone who was just married: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/568896-husband-broke-up-out-blue-over-text-message

[katiegrl]

Well there actually still is a thread going on by someone who was just married: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/568896-husband-broke-up-out-blue-over-text-message

 

Yes I read and have responded (I think) to that thread and thought the same thing.

 

chilly, her guy married her! Was married only a few months. Then reality hit and suddenly and without warning, he dumped her via a text message!

 

These men are dangerous!

[Itspointless]

Yes I read and have responded (I think) to that thread and thought the same thing.

 

chilly, her guy married her! Was married only a few months. Then reality hit and suddenly and without warning, he dumped her via a text message!

 

These men are dangerous!

I know

 

I said it as reference for chillydown.

[chillydown]

I am reading your messages like a man in the desert who found water.

 

So he can't handle the stress, so he said he has no future with me, because he can't commit?

he was his ex (few years back) for around two years, and he said he was going to marry her, but they couldn't work out their issues. so maybe it is not wanting to commit to me specifically?

 

But then again, he was willing to commit 3 weeks ago and a month ago, he looked for an apt with me. something changed in the past 2 weeks or so, he said he felt bad in the relationship (i swear everything was the same) and he got stressed and poof - from the one, i went to no one.

 

I want to die, this hurts so much.

I don't think he'll try and come back, he's totally detached now, he's probably even happy and relived to be on his own again. he told me he likes his "alone time" when we met.

[Itspointless]

he told me he likes his "alone time" when we met.

Yes, There is an artikel by dr. Tatkin, that actually has the title: 'Addiction to alone time ‐‐ avoidant attachment' and another one: I want you in the house, just not in my room... unless I ask you'.

[katiegrl]

I am reading your messages like a man in the desert who found water.

 

So he can't handle the stress, so he said he has no future with me, because he can't commit?

he was his ex (few years back) for around two years, and he said he was going to marry her, but they couldn't work out their issues. so maybe it is not wanting to commit to me specifically?

 

But then again, he was willing to commit 3 weeks ago and a month ago, he looked for an apt with me. something changed in the past 2 weeks or so, he said he felt bad in the relationship (i swear everything was the same) and he got stressed and poof - from the one, i went to no one.

 

I want to die, this hurts so much.

I don't think he'll try and come back, he's totally detached now, he's probably even happy and relived to be on his own again. he told me he likes his "alone time" when we met.

 

It is very complicated chilly, and my term *commitment phobia* is very simplistic.

 

Itspointless and Downtown described it in more clinical terms, but the bottom line is these men have issues! Serious issues and FEARS that existed way before you came along!

 

Read their posts more than mine.

 

It's not that he fears commitment, he fears what it represents, what you represent = loss of freedom, expectations, responsibilitites, etc.

 

He may think he wants those things and tell you that, but when reality hits and it appears those things are coming to fruition, suddenly and without warning his fears (of emotional intimacy, whatever) pop up, he feels emotionally suffocated and boxed in, and needs relief! So he leaves, leaving you or any woman confused and devastated.

 

I mean who can explain such lunacy? It's crazy!

 

Up until reality hits, he is not thinking clearly, he is all caught up in the fantasy, in the infatuation.

 

He makes many promises, encourages you to trust him, he loves you, will never hurt you, etc.

 

He means those things when he says them, because he is not thinking realistically, he is all caught up in the fantasy!

[katiegrl]

Ironically, these men will claim they can commit, and may even go through the motions of committing...... to women who DON'T want a commitment!

 

Because such woman won't ever threaten their freedom, their *alone* time. So there is no fear!

 

The book "He's Scared, She's Scared" discusses that.

 

Active avoiders vs. passive avoiders.

 

Someone could be an active avoider in one RL, and a passive avoider in another, depending on their partner.

 

Your guy may have been a passive avoider in his previous RL, because his gf was the active avoider, the one who did NOT want a commitment.

 

In your case, you *did* want the relationship (the commitment) he may have thought he did too, until he realized what it meant and felt like (no more alone time!) ....which made him anxious and panicked, which he did not share with you obviously ..... until all he could do was run away....to get relief.

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Katigrl,

 

But I told him and talked to him over and over. He said that he is definitely not looking for perfection. That I am way off base. That he just doesn't feel like he wants to take the relationship to the next stage, and he knows what it feels like, and he doesn't feel like it here.

 

How did we change from we have a future to no future? "i know it's not the answer you want, but there wasn't anything specific"

 

he knows what it feels like,

 

Yeah, he knows what it feels like . . . and it makes him uncomfortable and anxious. They start feeling smothered. They have a fear of engulfment. Losing themselves in the relationship, their freedom, their alone time . . .

 

This guy was lying to himself and you for a few months. He was having a nice time, along for the ride and "playing house" until . . . until he couldn't anymore. Be happy it didn't go on longer.

 

Let me give you a view into the future with him if he had stayed longer -- he would go through periods of time where he would shut you out. Times when he was stressed about things, anything really, and then he would push you away. You'd start feeling left out, hurt, lonely, confused over and over again. You'd begin to try to draw him out, pull him toward you to talk, include you, share with you. The more you pulled him, the more he'd withdraw until one day, he goes out for cigarettes and you never hear from him again.

 

"i know it's not the answer you want, but there wasn't anything specific" -- I'll translate this for you: I don't want to talk about it. I just want to be alone.

[katiegrl]

he knows what it feels like,

 

Yeah, he knows what it feels like . . . and it makes him uncomfortable and anxious. They start feeling smothered. They have a fear of engulfment. Losing themselves in the relationship, their freedom, their alone time . . .

 

This guy was lying to himself and you for a few months. He was having a nice time, along for the ride and "playing house" until . . . until he couldn't anymore. Be happy it didn't go on longer.

 

Let me give you a view into the future with him if he had stayed longer -- he would go through periods of time where he would shut you out. Times when he was stressed about things, anything really, and then he would push you away. You'd start feeling left out, hurt, lonely, confused over and over again. You'd begin to try to draw him out, pull him toward you to talk, include you, share with you. The more you pulled him, the more he'd withdraw until one day, he goes out for cigarettes and you never hear from him again.

 

"i know it's not the answer you want, but there wasn't anything specific" -- I'll translate this for you: I don't want to talk about it. I just want to be alone.

 

RH's first paragraph -- right on and well said!

 

The entire post, but specially that first paragraph which is what I was trying to explain.

[chillydown]

It felt like I am living some sort of nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.

How is my baby, my love, the man who told all his friends and family about me so quickly, brought me to his parents and took me do stuff with his friends - things he has never done except with his one ex. He was totally into me. I was all he wanted.

He was always so mature, told me it's important to talk about things, that he knows he has trouble with this, but he will not let this ruin this relationship because he finally found me. How lucky he was.

I was always so damn impressed with how mature and how smart he is. I knew he would never walk away, that he would fight for us.

 

And then he didn't talk, he didn't say a word, he went through whatever and then he was someone else.

 

And all I can think about, is that a few months from now, he will find that woman that will make him want to marry. and i'm just not the one, like he said.

[katiegrl]

It felt like I am living some sort of nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.

How is my baby, my love, the man who told all his friends and family about me so quickly, brought me to his parents and took me do stuff with his friends - things he has never done except with his one ex. He was totally into me. I was all he wanted.

He was always so mature, told me it's important to talk about things, that he knows he has trouble with this, but he will not let this ruin this relationship because he finally found me. How lucky he was.

I was always so damn impressed with how mature and how smart he is. I knew he would never walk away, that he would fight for us.

 

And then he didn't talk, he didn't say a word, he went through whatever and then he was someone else.

 

And all I can think about, is that a few months from now, he will find that woman that will make him want to marry. and i'm just not the one, like he said.

 

Maybe you should talk to a professional therapist to help you work through this. Give you some understanding.

 

We have all tried to help you, 63 posts worth, to no avail.

 

I am sorry you're hurting.

 

Best of luck.

Edited February 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[chillydown]

You HAVE helped (and I am seeing a therapist regardless, because I know I need help to deal with this), but your words truly helped.

[Itspointless]

He was always so mature, told me it's important to talk about things, that he knows he has trouble with this, but he will not let this ruin this relationship because he finally found me. How lucky he was.

Have you even been scared and felt the urge to run away? Well that is part of your reptilian brain that keeps you alive. He may think he wants this (thinking is in the newer parts of the brain). At those moments, when he is scared or stressed, the Amygdala takes over (it regulates your responses on fear) from the Neocortex and shuts the path of logical thinking down. At these moments old learned programs (survival strategies) take over. When you survival is at risk we do not have time to think, we need to flee or fight. So most of the time these reactions are not on a conscience level.

 

He showed that he is insightful, so apparently he already has learned what he is doing. He may even have worked on it in therapy, perhaps even had the advice to fight the urge to flee. My ex has had that advice. She told me some things when she broke up that enabled me to reconstruct what had happened. Also she told me something similar as you wrote: this time I wont let me stop by circumstances (or something like that).

[chillydown]

I don't think I ever ran from something I wanted (yes, even with being terrified to my core), but that's just how I am.

 

I guess he just can't. It's just so completely different from my personality and what he told me, that I thought he would be a partner in fight. I guess all he knows is hot to bolt.

[Itspointless]

I don't think I ever ran from something I wanted (yes, even with being terrified to my core), but that's just how I am.

 

I guess he just can't. It's just so completely different from my personality and what he told me, that I thought he would be a partner in fight. I guess all he knows is hot to bolt.

Well, what he felt is probably pretty much with what you are feeling lately, that feeling of wanting to die you opened this thread with. It probably hit him hard at a sudden moment. Perhaps because he already was experiencing some stress in other parts of his life.

 

Yes it is completely different, hard to imagine also. But in the end we do not want a partner who flees every time life is a bit harder, or when you feel the need to be helped by an empathetic partner at your side.

 

It is a lot to process and at some point I advice you to dissect why you fell so hard for him (for example) with the help of those books.

[Redhead14]

I don't think I ever ran from something I wanted (yes, even with being terrified to my core), but that's just how I am.

 

I guess he just can't. It's just so completely different from my personality and what he told me, that I thought he would be a partner in fight. I guess all he knows is hot to bolt.

 

I don't think I ever ran from something something I wanted -- He didn't run from something he wanted. He doesn't want to have a committed relationship. Yeah, he might move on to another woman. It may appear that he's changed, but he won't have changed. What may happen is that he just gets tired of moving from one woman to another and simply decides to stay with one even though he's unhappy or scared or whatever. Bottomline, he's going to have a dysfunctional relationship with a woman who tolerates his withdrawing behavior. That woman is a co-dependent partner. He just not tired enough of "trying out" women.

[Itspointless]

Also, it is not you he is running from, he is running from the feeling that you manage to evoke in him. You were the one until he was feeling that feeling of suffocation again. At a certain point he needs to learn that it are not his girlfriends that have that effect on him, but his history and his expectations that make him act out on his fears.

[chillydown]

So since my ex took off all of a sudden on Friday, leaving me an emotional wreck (never have a I been in such a state of hurt or shock before).

I tried to get some answers, this is all I could get:

 

I didn't stop loving you, I tried to write something that will make sense for both of us about what happened, but I can't. I'm complicated and I now understand I let stuff underneath the surface run me.

Friday I just woke up with feeling that I just have to go away, I felt stressed out of my mind. I don't know why.

 

I asked him if it was cold feet. He said "No, i've had cold feet before, this is something else, I don't know what it is...".

He said "I don't need to wait years, I know we we had and what I had and that I might never find someone like you again and that it's 100% my fault".

 

So after all these insights and the fact he still loves me, I was sure he'd want to come back.

He said no. It's final.

 

Can't make sense of it.

 

And that's that. He's gone.

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok, good, you got 'closure'.

 

Unfortunately, you're probably still just as bewildered, hurt, confused, dazed, knocked-for-six as you were before, but he has put a lid on it, definitely, for sure, for sure.

 

Now, read the NC Guide (see my signature), implement it 100% and then some, and start to heal.

He threw it away, and by his admission, it's all his fault.

 

He's gone. Lean on us, take our hand, struggle yourself back up into an upright position, and lift one foot off the ground, ease it forward and take a step.

 

Walking is an ongoing process of stopping yourself from hitting the ground prone.

 

Keep lifting those feet.

And if you fall, over - we're here.

[chillydown]

That second sentence... and then some.

 

I have had relationships not work out before, I had never had the love of my life have a relationship that worked amazingly just run out. one morning. because he was "stressed".

And I NEVER, in my wildest nightmares, thought he would give up on us without even a word.

 

How do you get up from that? I want the pain to stop?

I decided to join a gym, so I'll go this week and register. But everything else has lost all taste. I can't sleep, I can't eat (I've had 3 apples and half a hamburger for the past 4 days), I throw up.

 

And I think, what it boils down to it, is that he was all I wanted in a man, and I feel like there is no chance I'll find all that in one man again.

[TheScientist]

They all seem to know what they are losing but prepared to lose it......

 

Coincidence or just leaving the doors wide open in case they need to return/don't find something as easy/appealing?