no future with you - update

[chillydown]

Thanks so much for all your words and taking the time to answer and support.

I am still in a state of shock to be honest.

He left to his parent's house for the weekend, and is supposed to come back tonight to discuss how he's going to move out and take his things, clothes, electronic devices etc.

 

I am still in disbelief that the love of my life, the man who 2 days ago told me "honey, when someone finds something like you, he doesn't let it go easily" and the next day it was over. He is totally detached. He just closed the door on us with a slam and never looked back. I can't understand it. It's like invasion of the body snatchers. Where is my man? the one who kept telling me every day how lucky he was? how he will never let me go? how I am his dream woman come true.

 

I want my best friend back. He was the best lover, the best support system, the best friend. Even the night before he turned on me again when I thought we worked things out, he hugged me so hard and said "honey, I love you so much" and we fooled around, and laughed so hard and played together... next morning I found him with a bleak face saying "no, we can't do this. you're not the one". and off he went.

[pidgeon1010]

Sorry for your pain. It's terrible how people can lead others on and just blindside them. Unfortunately what some others have said it's true- it was a little too much/fast, too soon. That in and of itself is a huge red flag. Irrespective of age and dating experience, you always have to be suspicious of a man who seems to eager and starts talking about a permanent future with you during the early stages of dating. Yes, some couples who started off hot and heavy in whirlwind romance may make it but all over the internet, you read countless stories like yours. It was perfect, he/she talked marriage and then poof he was gone. I believe these words from another blog that covers relationships is really really on point:

 

Be careful of a man who asks for commitment soon and discusses a future together during the early stages of dating, this generally means he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming gals, this is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

 

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be with someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

 

BEWARE: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first, speeding things right along.

 

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it. Be very leary of the man who is all too ready to commit.

[chillydown]

Sorry for your pain. It's terrible how people can lead others on and just blindside them. Unfortunately what some others have said it's true- it was a little too much/fast, too soon. That in and of itself is a huge red flag. Irrespective of age and dating experience, you always have to be suspicious of a man who seems to eager and starts talking about a permanent future with you during the early stages of dating. Yes, some couples who started off hot and heavy in whirlwind romance may make it but all over the internet, you read countless stories like yours. It was perfect, he/she talked marriage and then poof he was gone. I believe these words from another blog that covers relationships is really really on point:

 

Be careful of a man who asks for commitment soon and discusses a future together during the early stages of dating, this generally means he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming gals, this is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

 

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be with someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

 

BEWARE: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first, speeding things right along.

 

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it. Be very leary of the man who is all too ready to commit.

 

 

 

I'll probably need to read this a thousand more times. It's hard to sink in. My brain keeps yelling "but..."

 

He kept telling me his biggest turn off is neediness. That he likes me because I'm so independent, together and strong. He once told me "you know, one of the things I adore in you is the fact that you're so strong and you can handle a crisis even if I'm not there. I will always be there, but it's nice not to be in a relationship where everything was not only on me".

He never showed any neediness, he always encouraged me to do things without him, he talked about the importance of personal space. He even mentioned the fact that he missed his alone time in briefing when we talked.

he has very high self esteem. he has girls jumping him every step of the way (though he never cheated). he's always very calm. he was always the voice of reason in our relationship. I don't see any of those things written fit him.

[elaine567]

3 days ago we made plans, we talked about a bigger apartment, we bought tickets to a show, planned a vacation abroad, he hugged me as always and kissed me as always and told me how much he loves me.

 

And today "no future. sorry. i don't have a reason for you. i just don't see it"

 

I have a feeling because this is so common, that some people just get into the habit of saying "loving" stuff, like they are on autopilot, whilst their brain and real thinking processes are on a different path.

They do the necessary future planning stuff so their real intentions do not get found out, in case they change their mind. Eventually they pick up the courage, but by that time they are so good at covering their tracks, the other is completely blindsided.

Hi darling, hug, kiss, love you loads (autopilot), yes I got the tickets, Greece in the summer? That sounds great (necessary future planning so as not to give the game away)... meanwhile all the time thinking, "Got to get out of here, how on earth do I tell her/him."

[getsmartie]

I'll probably need to read this a thousand more times. It's hard to sink in. My brain keeps yelling "but..."

 

He kept telling me his biggest turn off is neediness. That he likes me because I'm so independent, together and strong. He once told me "you know, one of the things I adore in you is the fact that you're so strong and you can handle a crisis even if I'm not there. I will always be there, but it's nice not to be in a relationship where everything was not only on me".

He never showed any neediness, he always encouraged me to do things without him, he talked about the importance of personal space. He even mentioned the fact that he missed his alone time in briefing when we talked.

he has very high self esteem. he has girls jumping him every step of the way (though he never cheated). he's always very calm. he was always the voice of reason in our relationship. I don't see any of those things written fit him.

 

Sorry this has happened to you. I know that you don't see the flags yet but as an outsider some of things you wrote about him were indeed red flags to me. You're going to go through the grief stages and once you're done please have a hard look at this relationship, learn from it.

 

He did not love you, he was merely infatuated with you. Love takes time to develop. Don't allow someone to move in with you so quickly. Resist that even if things seem so perfect. It takes a long time to really know someone and to truly fall in love.

 

I was always so anxious waiting to hear ILY for the first time with my bf. Took him 13 months to finally say it. Looking back I'm now glad that we didn't rush the relationship. I'm telling you this because my prior bf totally loved bombed me but like your ex he was out of my life just as quickly as he had entered it.

 

Take this relationship as a lesson. Be good to yourself, hang out with your gf's and your family right now. It will get better with time and some reflection on your end.

 

Hugs.

[Itspointless]

I'd just like to point out that this guys behavior is not compatable with bipolar disorder. (I have bipolar disorder and even with untreated bipolar a person usually does not flip their emotions on and off in that manner).

 

When you mentioned "bpd" I think you were referring to borderline personality disorder, correct me if I'm wrong. He seems to exhibit traits of a person with borderline personality disorder much more than a person with bipolar.

Yes you are right I also do not think that it is borderline either (or the other disorders mentioned in this thread). To me he seems emotionally unavailable. I asked about his confidence as dismissive-avoidant attached people have a positive self-image and a negative image of others (they expect others to eventually hurt them). Fearful avoidants also have a negative self-image.

[elaine567]

I think he just probably got carried away with it all, and then when he started to seriously think about it, he decided it was not what he wanted after all.

 

I am guessing and I could be completely wrong, but i feel it is something to do with your chronic illness and chronic pain.

Taking on a person with a chronic illness/pain is a big deal, it impacts every part of life and some people cannot cope with the responsibility.

He maybe just doesn't want to do that, he perhaps doesn't want to end up as your carer.

Maybe that was what was stressing him out?

[jenkins95]

chillydown

 

It's horrible, so sad I just wanted to send you a big (((hug)))

 

We could analyse this until we are blue in the face (and I'm sure you will in your head whether you want to or not), but we will never know exactly why it suddenly ended like this - maybe he doesn't even know himself. If he does become more enlightened, perhaps he will provide you with a better explanation for your own closure rather than leaving you completely clueless and confused like this.

 

I know that you don't want to hear this and you won't believe it yet - but you WILL get better. It's human nature to hurt, to reach rock bottom, and then gradually to heal......and you will. You are in love and he feels like the one and that he can never be replaced, but in time your mind will see through that little piece of psychological magic too.

 

One day at a time - keep trusted friends and family close......and keep coming to us. We are here for you.

 

J

[Itspointless]

I think he just probably got carried away with it all, and then when he started to seriously think about it, he decided it was not what he wanted after all.

 

I am guessing and I could be completely wrong, but i feel it is something to do with your chronic illness and chronic pain.

Taking on a person with a chronic illness/pain is a big deal, it impacts every part of life and some people cannot cope with the responsibility.

He maybe just doesn't want to do that, he perhaps doesn't want to end up as your carer.

Maybe that was what was stressing him out?

I am guilty of careless reading I missed the sentence about that. It would be a shame, but yes that is a real possibility.

[katiegrl]

Sorry for your pain. It's terrible how people can lead others on and just blindside them. Unfortunately what some others have said it's true- it was a little too much/fast, too soon. That in and of itself is a huge red flag. Irrespective of age and dating experience, you always have to be suspicious of a man who seems to eager and starts talking about a permanent future with you during the early stages of dating. Yes, some couples who started off hot and heavy in whirlwind romance may make it but all over the internet, you read countless stories like yours. It was perfect, he/she talked marriage and then poof he was gone. I believe these words from another blog that covers relationships is really really on point:

 

Be careful of a man who asks for commitment soon and discusses a future together during the early stages of dating, this generally means he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming gals, this is a man waving a giant red flag in your face. Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

 

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be with someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly.

 

BEWARE: He'll compliment you, he'll act as if he's really interested, he'll communicate regularly and with gusto in the early stages and he'll come on very strong at first, speeding things right along.

 

So fast that you'll never see it coming. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass. This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it. Be very leary of the man who is all too ready to commit.

 

^^Best post thus far...by far!

 

Dis373, wow hun so sorry to hear about your diagnosis of Bipolar.

 

My nephew does as well, on and off meds for years, and when his down depressive cycle hits, he shuts down and shuts everyone out .... suddenly, without warning. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to maintain a healthy relationship with someone like this. Very very painful for all.

 

But I suppose everyone's experience is different...and YOU, Dis, sound very strong...which is awesome. Best wishes to you girl!

 

Hang on chilly, and yes definitely listen to pidgeon, his (her?) post was right on!!

 

More hugs.

[katiegrl]

Yes you are right I also do not think that it is borderline either (or the other disorders mentioned in this thread). To me he seems emotionally unavailable. I asked about his confidence as dismissive-avoidant attached people have a positive self-image and a negative image of others (they expect others to eventually hurt them). Fearful avoidants also have a negative self-image.

 

Frankly, and this may sound overly simplistic, but he sounds like another commitment phobe, classic case.

 

Read up about it chilly, he displays all the signs. Rushes in fast, dashes out fast with zero warning, fantasy-driven , emotionally-unavailable, etc etc etc!

 

Some great books "He's Scared, She's Scared," and "Men Who Can't Love," might help you understand and give you clarity and strength.

 

Again, he displays all the symptoms.....

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Saracena]

Frankly, and this may sound overly simplistic, but he sounds like another commitment phobe, classic case.

 

Actually, my first thoughts on reading the OP.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting ~6

[katiegrl]

I think he just probably got carried away with it all, and then when he started to seriously think about it, he decided it was not what he wanted after all.

 

I am guessing and I could be completely wrong, but i feel it is something to do with your chronic illness and chronic pain.

Taking on a person with a chronic illness/pain is a big deal, it impacts every part of life and some people cannot cope with the responsibility.

He maybe just doesn't want to do that, he perhaps doesn't want to end up as your carer.

Maybe that was what was stressing him out?

 

Possible ^^..... but to suddenly and without warning switch from "I love you and see a future with you" one night ......to literally the next morning "I don't see a future with you, and want out, " indicates something much much deeper.

 

And then his behavior now afterwards, cold, dismissive, behaving like their relationship never even happened ... yes he was stressed, obviously ..... the classic "flight or fight" response typical of commitment phobes.

 

He chose flight.

 

He also knew going in about her chronic illness, but chose to dash in fast regardless. Even moved in with her after only two months.

 

Then rejects her for the same thing! Among other things he was perfectly aware of going in.

 

Very typical of commitment phobes!

 

They are completely fantasy-driven, and when reality hits, they're off and running! With lightening speed!

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[elaine567]

Maybe the thought of being with someone with a chronic illness long term just hit him and he had to end it pdq, or he had been thinking of ending it for a while and plucked up the courage that day.

 

But of course he could be a commitmentphobe or he could be a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath too, lovebombing then becoming cold and distant.

He could be one of those people who love being in love and when things get "ordinary" bail.

He could be still grieving for his ex, or one of those people who are easily swayed by friends or family telling him "She is no good, there is no future."

He maybe makes a habit of breaking people's hearts, or maybe he just stopped feeling it, and decided that particular day to stop the pretence.

He maybe has someone else on the go, and/or decided to cut the OP off and seek love elsewhere...

We will most likely never know.

[Redhead14]

Thanks so much for your words. All my friends say the same thing you do. That it's insane, makes no sense, that he sounds like has serious emotional issues etc. But it's no comfort for me. I lost the love of my life over night and I don't know how to recover.

 

The fact that he said he doesn't talk about things is the reason you feel as though this happened out of the blue. Sure, he told you all the nice things a woman wants to hear and he was getting what he wanted and needed at the time.

 

I'll bet money that all those other 2-3 month "relationships" ended just like this one. The woman was surprised. He said he is picky and always finds fault. He saw something that didn't work for him but since he doesn't talk about things, you wouldn't know he didn't like something and would never have the opportunity to address/change/compromise, etc.

 

I think you are just "seeing" who he really is. And, take some solace in knowing that if it wasn't working for him, it wouldn't work for you. He said he had nothing to put his finger on to say why he was leaving -- he's picky, remember? There was something, he just didn't want to talk about it.

[katiegrl]

Maybe the thought of being with someone with a chronic illness long term just hit him and he had to end it pdq, or he had been thinking of ending it for a while and plucked up the courage that day.

 

But of course he could be a commitmentphobe or he could be a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath too, lovebombing then becoming cold and distant.

He could be one of those people who love being in love and when things get "ordinary" bail.

He could be still grieving for his ex, or one of those people who are easily swayed by friends or family telling him "She is no good, there is no future."

He maybe makes a habit of breaking people's hearts, or maybe he just stopped feeling it, and decided that particular day to stop the pretence.

He maybe has someone else on the go, and/or decided to cut the OP off and seek love elsewhere...

We will most likely never know.

 

All of the above^^ add up to the same exact thing.

 

He is emotionally unavailable and has serious issues with intimacy and commitment.

 

Not that this is any consolation to chilly, but understanding that HIS issues have nothing to do with her, and that she did nothing *wrong* to warrant this insanity may ultimately help with her healing process.

[elaine567]

He said he is picky and always finds fault.

 

On hindsight, this was the red flag missed.

In the excitement of being proclaimed as "the one", this was ignored or felt to be non-applicable.

[chillydown]

I have a good friend (man) who said the same thing. He said it sounds like a fear of commitment. But it doesn't compute with me.

 

If he is such a commitment phobe, then why was he the one pushing and driving this relationship forward?

 

he was the one who told every single friend and family member about it, the first one to say I love you, he was the one who first brought up living together and then moved in with me. he's been living with me for 3 months.

So what the F?

 

How is the commitment thing works here?

 

He said he "asked himself the hard questions" since finding a bigger apartment is a step forward to marriage and so he realized we have no future and he has no will to take the relationship further.

 

I was mostly

What? who the **** are you? how is this possible??

[Redhead14]

I have a good friend (man) who said the same thing. He said it sounds like a fear of commitment. But it doesn't compute with me.

 

If he is such a commitment phobe, then why was he the one pushing and driving this relationship forward?

 

he was the one who told every single friend and family member about it, the first one to say I love you, he was the one who first brought up living together and then moved in with me. he's been living with me for 3 months.

So what the F?

 

How is the commitment thing works here?

 

He said he "asked himself the hard questions" since finding a bigger apartment is a step forward to marriage and so he realized we have no future and he has no will to take the relationship further.

 

I was mostly

What? who the **** are you? how is this possible??

 

He wants and needs the company of a woman, but he also knows he can't maintain a lasting relationship. He keeps trying but he doesn't have it in him to stick with it. There are tons of things that prevent people from be ing fully emotionally engaged in a relationship. They can make it look good on the outside, while inside he's just not "there". He said he was picky and finds fault -- that is about sabotaging, finding things to make it so he doesn't get too involved with a woman. As soon as a relationship gets too close for comfort, he starts focusing and looking for reasons to move on. It could be something so small as the way she loads the dishwasher.

 

In this case, the old cliche really does apply -- It's him, not you and you can't fix it. That damage occurred long before you came along.

[katiegrl]

I have a good friend (man) who said the same thing. He said it sounds like a fear of commitment. But it doesn't compute with me.

 

If he is such a commitment phobe, then why was he the one pushing and driving this relationship forward?

 

he was the one who told every single friend and family member about it, the first one to say I love you, he was the one who first brought up living together and then moved in with me. he's been living with me for 3 months.

So what the F?

 

How is the commitment thing works here?

 

He said he "asked himself the hard questions" since finding a bigger apartment is a step forward to marriage and so he realized we have no future and he has no will to take the relationship further.

 

I was mostly

What? who the **** are you? how is this possible??

 

chilly, the reason why he pushed it forward so quickly was precisely *because* he is commitment phobic! They are totally fantasy driven!

 

That's what they do --- they rush in fast, push forward UNTIL reality hits ...then they're off and running! Just the way this guy did.

 

Please read up on it, from everything you have written, he sounds like a classic case!

 

They're behavior is often so bizarre, makes no sense, leaving many many women confused and devastated...even years later.

 

These men are troubled ...me thinks you actually dodged a huge bullitt!

 

Please read the books I mentioned earlier -- especially Men Who Can't Love.

 

Amazon.com. Good read, very insightful.

 

And what Redhead said in her last post too......she explained it perfectly.

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[chillydown]

Katigrl,

 

But I told him and talked to him over and over. He said that he is definitely not looking for perfection. That I am way off base. That he just doesn't feel like he wants to take the relationship to the next stage, and he knows what it feels like, and he doesn't feel like it here.

 

How did we change from we have a future to no future? "i know it's not the answer you want, but there wasn't anything specific"

[katiegrl]

Katigrl,

 

But I told him and talked to him over and over. He said that he is definitely not looking for perfection. That I am way off base. That he just doesn't feel like he wants to take the relationship to the next stage, and he knows what it feels like, and he doesn't feel like it here.

 

How did we change from we have a future to no future? "i know it's not the answer you want, but there wasn't anything specific"

 

chilly, commitment-phobia, fear of intimacy, emotional unavailability, etc are ALL very deep and complicated issues.

 

Much to complicated to explain here, which is why I recommended the books.

 

People who have these issues behave in ways that completely contradict each other. Mixed messages, double messages are par for the course ...it's literally crazy-making.

 

And they are completely unaware, often denying they have any issues at all.

 

They make no sense whatsoever, so don't even try....you will only end up more confused and frustated than you were to begin with.

 

As I said, please read up on it. Google the books I suggested, they are both excellent resources of information.

 

Also read anything by Natalie Rue. Google her.....her books and articles are excellent!

 

Knowledge is power, and the more you have, the better chance you have of avoiding men like this in the future. And understanding why this RL went south so quickly and unexpectedly.

 

Good luck!!!

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Itspointless]

Frankly, and this may sound overly simplistic, but he sounds like another commitment phobe, classic case.

 

Read up about it chilly, he displays all the signs. Rushes in fast, dashes out fast with zero warning, fantasy-driven , emotionally-unavailable, etc etc etc!

 

Some great books "He's Scared, She's Scared," and "Men Who Can't Love," might help you understand and give you clarity and strength.

 

Again, he displays all the symptoms.....

Yes Katie, it perhaps is overly simplistic, but I wrote the same yesterday and still think that is the best guess what happened, because of all the reasons you sum up in the posts after this one.

 

Avoidant attached people are masters in finding fault with the other, especially - I think at least - when they are already stressed. I heard my ex of a few moths say some things that really surprised me a lot, also because she actually altered history to come to some conclusions.

 

chillydown, I want to suggest the book by dr. shirley impellizzeri it is the best easy book (for me) that I encountered. It is called: 'Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns (Sunrise River Press, May 2012)'

[chillydown]

I googled commitment phobes all over, but all the info I found talked about him being hot and cold, avoiding intimacy and stuff like that. He was into me from the first moment to the exact moment he dropped me like a hot potato. He never went cold on me. never. not once. for 5 months I was "the ideal woman", a day before dropping me he said "No one gives up on something like you".

 

I bet he's so happy now. getting rid of all this stress he was feeling, and going back to being a happy carefree bachelor.

[Itspointless]

I googled commitment phobes all over, but all the info I found talked about him being hot and cold, avoiding intimacy and stuff like that. He was into me from the first moment to the exact moment he dropped me like a hot potato. He never went cold on me. never. not once. for 5 months I was "the ideal woman", a day before dropping me he said "No one gives up on something like you".

Yes, that is because in the first months we still can be managed as a fantasy. You exactly mentioned the point that has bothered me for months, until I found the answer in a book. The psychologist dr. Stan Tatkin writes about this in the book Love and war in intimate relationships on page 93 below (see Google Books)