no future with you - update

[chillydown]

I am 34, I've been in many abusive relationships in the past and did my therapy for a few years and went back into the dating world. For 4 years i've been dating, nothing lasted more than a month, maybe two. I've started feeling like I would never find the guy.

 

Then I met him. We met online. my age. perfect click. everything I ever dared dream about a guy. He told me he felt the same way. He has been single for 3-4 years. He's super picky, always found a fault, but then he met me. He said he knew something special was here from the get-go, and so did I.

 

We connected on every level, emotionally, sexually, he was my best friend, we fought very little and very "healthy". He moved in with me after less than two months, and he kept telling me every day how much he loved me, how much he's happy he found me. He was always supportive of everything I did, I have a chronic illness and he was always super attentive to it and took care of me.

 

He said how an amazing partner I am, how sensitive and caring, how I make him laugh. We shared the same hobbies and he said he always wanted a girlfriend that shared this hobby with him.

 

Everything was amazing. After around 3-4 months he even mentioned a future, marriage, we made plans.

 

Today he dumped me with "I don't see a future for us".

Just like that.

He wasn't distant, we didn't fight, he swore over and over again that there was nothing he can point his finger to, that it's just "not it".

I was W-T-F!? 3 days ago we made plans, we talked about a bigger apartment, we bought tickets to a show, planned a vacation abroad, he hugged me as always and kissed me as always and told me how much he loves me.

 

And today "no future. sorry. i don't have a reason for you. i just don't see it"

 

I am devastated. I thought after my horrible 34 years, of abuse and horrible relationships, after 4 years of endless dating to the point of despair, It has finally happened to me. I finally found him. He told me I am his, he has been waiting for me. And now he's gone.

 

I want to die. How will I ever find someone like him again? he was the one. he had everything i could ever hope for. and poof - he just left me.

 

The pain is unbearable.

[Redhead14]

I am 34, I've been in many abusive relationships in the past and did my therapy for a few years and went back into the dating world. For 4 years i've been dating, nothing lasted more than a month, maybe two. I've started feeling like I would never find the guy.

 

Then I met him. We met online. my age. perfect click. everything I ever dared dream about a guy. He told me he felt the same way. He has been single for 3-4 years. He's super picky, always found a fault, but then he met me. He said he knew something special was here from the get-go, and so did I.

 

We connected on every level, emotionally, sexually, he was my best friend, we fought very little and very "healthy". He moved in with me after less than two months, and he kept telling me every day how much he loved me, how much he's happy he found me. He was always supportive of everything I did, I have a chronic illness and he was always super attentive to it and took care of me.

 

He said how an amazing partner I am, how sensitive and caring, how I make him laugh. We shared the same hobbies and he said he always wanted a girlfriend that shared this hobby with him.

 

Everything was amazing. After around 3-4 months he even mentioned a future, marriage, we made plans.

 

Today he dumped me with "I don't see a future for us".

Just like that.

He wasn't distant, we didn't fight, he swore over and over again that there was nothing he can point his finger to, that it's just "not it".

I was W-T-F!? 3 days ago we made plans, we talked about a bigger apartment, we bought tickets to a show, planned a vacation abroad, he hugged me as always and kissed me as always and told me how much he loves me.

 

And today "no future. sorry. i don't have a reason for you. i just don't see it"

 

I am devastated. I thought after my horrible 34 years, of abuse and horrible relationships, after 4 years of endless dating to the point of despair, It has finally happened to me. I finally found him. He told me I am his, he has been waiting for me. And now he's gone.

 

I want to die. How will I ever find someone like him again? he was the one. he had everything i could ever hope for. and poof - he just left me.

 

The pain is unbearable.

 

Sweetie, this was moving way too fast anyway. He simply was caught up in the moment(s), like you. At some point, the bubble bursts and one or both parties simply start to focus on the reality of the situation.

 

It sounds as though you two were spending too much time together too soon. He moved in with me after less than two months. No matter how good it feels with a new partner, it's best to keep a little space. A new relationship is like fire. It needs air/oxygen in order for the flame to grow and be viable.

 

This is an extremely painful thing and, right now, there would be no words that could comfort you. You need to be patient with and good to yourself right now.

[chillydown]

We aren't kids, and we both have been through relationships, and we both felt it was right.

Maybe you are right, but it was so hard for us to spend time apart, and so it felt so natural to move in together.

It all fell into place so easily, even though we both lived alone for a few years.

 

And shouldn't something burst this bubble? shouldn't there be a fight? something you find out about the other person you don't like?

everything was fine. I know it sound like I'm blind, but everything was. you'll see text messages from him up to today, and it's all "I love you so much baby. never doubt this for a moment". He told me he will never let me go without a fight.

That I don't even has the slightest idea of how much he loves me.

 

And up he went. "not future". what's the reason? why? what happened? was it something i did? was it something about our routine? did you need more space? did you miss something?

 

"no. i loved our routine, i love you, nothing i can point to. sorry."

 

I will never find someone who loves me like he did

[Redhead14]

We aren't kids, and we both have been through relationships, and we both felt it was right.

Maybe you are right, but it was so hard for us to spend time apart, and so it felt so natural to move in together.

It all fell into place so easily, even though we both lived alone for a few years.

 

And shouldn't something burst this bubble? shouldn't there be a fight? something you find out about the other person you don't like?

everything was fine. I know it sound like I'm blind, but everything was. you'll see text messages from him up to today, and it's all "I love you so much baby. never doubt this for a moment". He told me he will never let me go without a fight.

That I don't even has the slightest idea of how much he loves me.

 

And up he went. "not future". what's the reason? why? what happened? was it something i did? was it something about our routine? did you need more space? did you miss something?

 

"no. i loved our routine, i love you, nothing i can point to. sorry."

 

I will never find someone who loves me like he did

 

I will never find someone who loves me like he did -- On the surface, that may seem true. However, the love wasn't DEEP enough.

 

There is freedom/comfort in knowing that there are things that are simply not in your control or ability to know/understand. Oftentimes, it has nothing to do with YOU. Acceptance is liberating. You cannot control or predict how a person feels, what they think, what they like, what they need, what they want, when they feel what they feel, why they feel what they feel, why they do what they do. And, neither can they.

 

You don't want someone who loved you like he did -- you want someone who loves you so much, he can't walk away. This guy did that very easily regardless of what he'd been telling you. His actions don't support his words. Maybe he was lying to himself.

 

We aren't kids, and we both have been through relationships, -- You've been through several really poor relationships and partners. This one was at least a lot shinier and you got a little blinded and rushed into it.

 

There is more to all this, I'm willing to bet, and it doesn't matter right now. You need to keep moving forward and focusing on YOU now. Get out of his head, get out of your own head for a while too. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.

[ksol9]

I just don't understand this. Days leading up to my breakup were the same. I love yous and lets focus on the future talks were literally a day or two before he broke up with me. Everyone, I mean everyone, told me that this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. Most cases, they have been thinking this through for a while before the break up. I don't understand it. It's so sad. The reasons he gave are probably not the whole truth. Only he knows what his real reasons are. I've spent the better of this last week trying to figure out where exactly things went wrong. It doesn't really matter. The fact is, he gave up and he felt he would be better off without you in his life. It's so hard no to think about it. People will tell you to focus on you, but that's easier said than done for some of us. Just take whatever time you need to take care of yourself.

[chillydown]

I don't know how. I don't know how to move on.

I keep going over every memory, every love message, every corner of my apt is full of his memories. The slow cooker he bought us after a month, the slippers he bought me as a surprise one day, he used to stop at a floweriest sometimes after work, and come home with a single rose. I kept them all.

 

When my chronic pain flared up, he'd make me a hot water bottle and tea. He'd cuddle with me every night before sleep and we'd watch a show, he'd cuddle with me every morning for 10min before going to work and whisper to me that he loves me.

 

How will I ever find someone who'll do those wonderful things again? he was magic.

 

I think I am about to die from the pain

[ksol9]

It has also been my experience that men who try to rush you into a relationship carry some sort of problem. It's a red flag.

[chillydown]

I just don't understand this. Days leading up to my breakup were the same. I love yous and lets focus on the future talks were literally a day or two before he broke up with me. Everyone, I mean everyone, told me that this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. Most cases, they have been thinking this through for a while before the break up. I don't understand it. It's so sad. The reasons he gave are probably not the whole truth. Only he knows what his real reasons are. I've spent the better of this last week trying to figure out where exactly things went wrong. It doesn't really matter. The fact is, he gave up and he felt he would be better off without you in his life. It's so hard no to think about it. People will tell you to focus on you, but that's easier said than done for some of us. Just take whatever time you need to take care of yourself.

 

 

How could he just switch from planning a future with me, to not seeing a future together?

 

He said "I didn't talk to you about the fact that i was stressed, because I have issues with talking about thing". He couldn't tell me what he was stressed about, why, he could only say it wasn't me or our lives together. he just kept repeating "doubts, no future, i don't want the relationship anymore".

that's it.

[Redhead14]

How could he just switch from planning a future with me, to not seeing a future together?

 

He said "I didn't talk to you about the fact that i was stressed, because I have issues with talking about thing". He couldn't tell me what he was stressed about, why, he could only say it wasn't me or our lives together. he just kept repeating "doubts, no future, i don't want the relationship anymore".

that's it.

 

"I didn't talk to you about the fact that i was stressed, because I have issues with talking about thing" -- Huge red flag. This would have become an issue between you over time, I promise you that. Do you know what his past relationship history is -- how many, how long they were and why he says they failed?

[katiegrl]

How could he just switch from planning a future with me, to not seeing a future together?

 

He said "I didn't talk to you about the fact that i was stressed, because I have issues with talking about thing". He couldn't tell me what he was stressed about, why, he could only say it wasn't me or our lives together. he just kept repeating "doubts, no future, i don't want the relationship anymore".

that's it.

 

chillyd, I am wondering if he has some sort of mental disorder/illness like bipolar perhaps?

 

I don't know, I am not a shrink but I do know that those who suffer from that disorder/illness can change their emotions ON A DIME, without warning, out of blue.... often devastating their partners.

 

What do you think? The fact he rushed in so quickly might indicate when he met you he was on some sort of a "high," -- his mood was on the upswing, and he's the best most gregarious, loving, attentive guy you could ever meet.

 

The other end of that spectrum is when the down cycle begins. He suddenly and without warning cuts everyone off, family, friends, loved ones, and falls into a sort of depression.

 

Each of these cycles can last for months.

 

Like I said I don't know...just a thought....but his behavior is truly bizarre unlike anything I ever heard of before.

 

I mean like literally overnight he switched. Something is definitely not jiving there.

 

Anyway I am so sorry.... things seems bleak now, but trust me, in time it WILL get better....just hang in and take good care of yourself.

 

Time DOES heal.

 

((hugs))

Edited February 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[chillydown]

"I didn't talk to you about the fact that i was stressed, because I have issues with talking about thing" -- Huge red flag. This would have become an issue between you over time, I promise you that. Do you know what his past relationship history is -- how many, how long they were and why he says they failed?

 

I know a few things:

 

He was always an extremely popular guy (in terms of women who wanted him). He said he had an issue he was aware of, of always finding faults in women he dated, and he didn't want to compromise.

Before me had several years of being along, dating, casual relationships (month-2 months), but he couldn't find "the one". Then he met me, and he said I am the one he's been looking for all this time. He was about to give up.

 

Before those years he lived with someone, two yr relationship, they broke up because they fought non stop about things, and he said it never got better, and while he was sure they're going to get married, nothing got better between them and he left.

 

He had another serious live-in g/f several years before that one for a year, don't remember what happened there.

 

Those are the only two he considered "serious".

[chillydown]

chillyd, I am wondering if he has some sort of mental disorder/illness like bipolar perhaps?

 

I don't know, I am not a shrink but I do know that those who suffer from that disorder/illness can change their emotions ON A DIME, without warning, out of blue.... often devastating their partners.

 

What do you think? The fact he rushed in so quickly might indicate when he met you he was on some sort of a "high," -- his mood was on the upswing, and he's the best most gregarious, loving, attentive guy you could ever meet.

 

The other end of that spectrum is when the down cycle begins. He suddenly and without warning cuts everyone off, family, friends, loved ones, and falls into a sort of depression.

 

Each of these cycles can last for months.

 

Like I said I don't know...just a thought....but his behavior is truly bizarre unlike anything I ever heard of before.

 

I mean like literally overnight he switched. Something is definitely not jiving there.

 

Anyway I am so sorry.... things seems bleak now, but trust me, in time it WILL get better....just hang in and take good care of yourself.

 

Time DOES heal.

 

((hugs))

 

 

 

I don't think he has a mental illness. He has issues, sure. He said so today. That he knows he has trouble talking about things (though ironically throughout the relationship he never stopped telling me how important it is for us to be open with each other, and talk - he said he just couldn't take his own advice).

 

I can't make any sense. all my friends are in shock. we were so happy, no issues, any person who met us always said we're so lovey dovey they're jelous. his friends said he was crazy about me, that he never looked this happy, that he can't stop talking about me with any person he meets.

 

He isn't depressed. quite the opposite. he seems to be Business as usual, which is devastating.

Even last night he said he loves me so much. this morning he told me we don't have a future.

[katiegrl]

I don't think he has a mental illness. He has issues, sure. He said so today. That he knows he has trouble talking about things (though ironically throughout the relationship he never stopped telling me how important it is for us to be open with each other, and talk - he said he just couldn't take his own advice).

 

I can't make any sense. all my friends are in shock. we were so happy, no issues, any person who met us always said we're so lovey dovey they're jelous. his friends said he was crazy about me, that he never looked this happy, that he can't stop talking about me with any person he meets.

 

He isn't depressed. quite the opposite. he seems to be Business as usual, which is devastating.

Even last night he said he loves me so much. this morning he told me we don't have a future.

 

Okay well we can rule that theory out I guess.

 

Something definitely IS off though....his sudden reversal of feelings isn't normal, not by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Unless he's been lying to you, misrepresenting himself and his feelings for a very long time.

 

Which would then make him a sort of sociopath... because I am sorry but no normal person would be in love with their partner one night, making future plans.... and then literally wake up the next day and feel completely different, and tell them it's over.

 

Again so so sorry.... I am glad you have a strong support system of family and friends.

 

Good luck hun....

[chillydown]

Okay well we can rule that theory out I guess.

 

Something definitely IS off though....his sudden reversal of feelings isn't normal, not by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Unless he's been lying to you, misrepresenting himself and his feelings for a very long time.

 

Which would then make him a sort of sociopath... because I am sorry but no normal person would be in love with their partner one night, making future plans.... and then literally wake up the next day and feel completely different, and tell them it's over.

 

Again so so sorry.... I am glad you have a strong support system of family and friends.

 

Good luck hun....

 

Thanks so much for your words. All my friends say the same thing you do. That it's insane, makes no sense, that he sounds like has serious emotional issues etc. But it's no comfort for me. I lost the love of my life over night and I don't know how to recover.

[katiegrl]

Thanks so much for your words. All my friends say the same thing you do. That it's insane, makes no sense, that he sounds like has serious emotional issues etc. But it's no comfort for me. I lost the love of my life over night and I don't know how to recover.

 

I know hun.. as Redhead said earlier, no words are gonna help you right now -- the ONLY thing that will help - eventually - is TIME.

 

All we can do is be here to support you and send you ((BIG HUGS))....

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[OXS550]

Chilly, I'm going through a very similar thing with my fiancé, except she actually just quit talking to me. One weekend it's I love you, planning the wedding and two days later silence. From browsing this forum the past few days the best advice I read was taking a stand for what WE deserve.

 

I jump to that part because if for some reason he is like my ex, he may just apologize and try to jump back. Then a few weeks later it happens again. Don't let it happen to you. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. I'm on day 3 of NC but haven't seen her for two weeks. It's hard but it gets easier the more you focus on yourself, the better. The big question "why" will still be embedded in your brain. Just answer it yourself saying it doesn't matter. It won't take the pain away, but u deserve someone who says I love you and shows it.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'm sorry, OP, what a horrible confusing break up you're experiencing. There is not much you can do at this point but pick up the pieces and move on. You don't have a choice and dwelling on trying to understand why he chose to do what he did will only drive you crazy.

 

I believe true love cannot be extinguished over night so it seems that he's either met someone else, have been thinking about this for a while and was a great pretender, and/or never really loved you the way you thought he did.

 

Regardless, he is no longer someone worthy of your love and energy any more.

 

It's not what you wanted but it's the gamble we take when we open ourselves up to love.

 

He was not the right one for you and thank goodness he bowed out now instead of 5 years down the line...maybe after marriage..maybe after kids...

 

First thing you need to do is surround yourself with loved ones and be selfish. Then proceed with: NC, erasing all evidence of him from your life, and then doing everything you can to get through the days.

 

You will heal and you will find someone who matches and reciproctes your love whole heartedly. He will see a future with you and choose to be with you for the long haul. Believe it.

 

Take it day by day, dear.

 

(BIG HUGS)

[Emaize3]

I soooo feel your pain.. Right now.. Even a month post break up. My bf of a year and a half dumped me out of the blue, on the phone, at work. Like you, we were so happy and it was a healthy relationship (finally). He always said to tell him right away if something is bothering me in the relationship. Apparently, some things were bothering him and he didn't tell me until he pulls the rug from under my feet. I was in such shock (at work) that I still don't understand all that went down. So I can't give much advice. I just want you to know that you're not alone. I keep asking "why?" Just like you. Many hugs and I'm so sorry!!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Also, OP, I too was dumped out of the blue, on my birthday, via text and coming back from an island vacation. Up until I left he was lovey dovey, talking about my birthday present and telling me how much he loved me. Lol.

 

I was shocked. I was so shocked that I actually thought it was joke or that someone else had hijacked his phone and was playing a dumb prank. Nope, it was him and he had been harboring resentment for issues that he had but never talked to me about. And one random day, he just ended it.

 

To me, it felt like it was overnight, but it apparently had been brewing for sometime and he was just a masterful pretender..acting like everything was hunky dorey.

 

He came crawling back a few months later and I rejected him without a thought. He didn't take that well. He tried to reconcile AGAIN a year later. Rejected again.

 

My point is...you never really know what's going on in someone's head. You hope and have faith that this person who is so intimately involved with you will be transparent and honest with you...but that's not how it often works, is it?

 

You'll be ok. Everything you're feeling is normal and part of the break up process. Be comforted in knowing that YOU have the ability to love and care. He just happened to not be "the one."

[Itspointless]

"I didn't talk to you about the fact that i was stressed, because I have issues with talking about thing" -- Huge red flag. This would have become an issue between you over time, I promise you that. Do you know what his past relationship history is -- how many, how long they were and why he says they failed?

He isn't depressed. quite the opposite. he seems to be Business as usual, which is devastating. [...] Even last night he said he loves me so much. this morning he told me we don't have a future.

So he does not trust other people and seems to repress emotions like a master. My guess is that he is avoidant attached as he does not seem to be in a depressive episode after being manic. With someone with bpd you might expect him to paint you like being some kind of a monster after idolizing, him being the victim. Instead he just goes on like nothing happened.

 

How is his self-esteem?

 

I am sorry you have to experience this. Be kind to yourself!

[Dis]

I am 34, I've been in many abusive relationships in the past and did my therapy for a few years and went back into the dating world. For 4 years i've been dating, nothing lasted more than a month, maybe two. I've started feeling like I would never find the guy.

 

Then I met him. We met online. my age. perfect click. everything I ever dared dream about a guy. He told me he felt the same way. He has been single for 3-4 years. He's super picky, always found a fault, but then he met me. He said he knew something special was here from the get-go, and so did I.

 

We connected on every level, emotionally, sexually, he was my best friend, we fought very little and very "healthy". He moved in with me after less than two months, and he kept telling me every day how much he loved me, how much he's happy he found me. He was always supportive of everything I did, I have a chronic illness and he was always super attentive to it and took care of me.

 

He said how an amazing partner I am, how sensitive and caring, how I make him laugh. We shared the same hobbies and he said he always wanted a girlfriend that shared this hobby with him.

 

Everything was amazing. After around 3-4 months he even mentioned a future, marriage, we made plans.

 

Today he dumped me with "I don't see a future for us".

Just like that.

He wasn't distant, we didn't fight, he swore over and over again that there was nothing he can point his finger to, that it's just "not it".

I was W-T-F!? 3 days ago we made plans, we talked about a bigger apartment, we bought tickets to a show, planned a vacation abroad, he hugged me as always and kissed me as always and told me how much he loves me.

 

And today "no future. sorry. i don't have a reason for you. i just don't see it"

 

I am devastated. I thought after my horrible 34 years, of abuse and horrible relationships, after 4 years of endless dating to the point of despair, It has finally happened to me. I finally found him. He told me I am his, he has been waiting for me. And now he's gone.

 

I want to die. How will I ever find someone like him again? he was the one. he had everything i could ever hope for. and poof - he just left me.

 

The pain is unbearable.

 

Wow chillydown I just went through a very similiar experience about 4 days ago. My ex (of only 6 weeks) randomly dumped me after 6 weeks of an intense connection, he told me all the things your ex told you, he gave me the keys to his house 2 week in, it moved very fast just like your relationship. Then 4 days ago he randomly, out of the blue dumped me...and just like yours...he offered little reasoning.

 

I'm telling you this because I know what your going through. I know what your feeling. I know your so confused and shocked at his decision. You feel devasted. Thats all normal with such an abrupt end to something that seemed so real and lasting.

 

The bottom line is that for whatever reason he was not able to give you what you needed, he is not the man you thought he was. I know that disillusionment (hence my name) is incredibly hard to deal with. I know that not having a reason why, and not going knowing what went on in his head makes it even harder.

 

Do some introspection...think back to any warning signs you may have missed. The day after my break up I realized there were many warning signs I overlooked. Once you have some space from the relationship you may come to have a deeper understanding of what happened.

 

The fact that he made such an abrupt decision and offered you little explanation points to the fact that he may be troubled and may have hid things from you....like I said hes not the man you thought he was...trust me I know finding that out hurts like hell.

 

Take care of yourself honey. The pain will subside. Take the advice of the wise people that are here on these forums. Theyve helped me tremendously. I'll check in on you. Keep me posted

[Dis]

We aren't kids, and we both have been through relationships, and we both felt it was right.

Maybe you are right, but it was so hard for us to spend time apart, and so it felt so natural to move in together.

It all fell into place so easily, even though we both lived alone for a few years.

 

And shouldn't something burst this bubble? shouldn't there be a fight? something you find out about the other person you don't like?

everything was fine. I know it sound like I'm blind, but everything was. you'll see text messages from him up to today, and it's all "I love you so much baby. never doubt this for a moment". He told me he will never let me go without a fight.

That I don't even has the slightest idea of how much he loves me.

 

And up he went. "not future". what's the reason? why? what happened? was it something i did? was it something about our routine? did you need more space? did you miss something?

 

"no. i loved our routine, i love you, nothing i can point to. sorry."

 

I will never find someone who loves me like he did

 

Yup my ex told me the same things. But the people posting on your thread are right. It moved way too fast. Same thing with me and my ex. And I thought the same things you did, shouldnt something huge set off this kind of decision??? Thats not always the case. Everything your saying is what happened to me, I thought the same thing.

 

And yes you WILL find someone else, but not someone like him....you'll find someone who will stay by your side! Someone who wont sell you a dream! Someone who is real with you and commited to you. Don't worry girl. I think he did you a favor, he obviously was not the man you thought he was.

[Dis]

It has also been my experience that men who try to rush you into a relationship carry some sort of problem. It's a red flag.

 

It is. Relationships like that burn out just as fast as they start

[Dis]

I know a few things:

 

He said he had an issue he was aware of, of always finding faults in women he dated, and he didn't want to compromise.

.

 

That was a red flag. Dont worry they are easy to overlook. Perhaps he found fault in you...just like he did with the others.

 

Trust me, this guy wasnt the one for you if he is going to bale on you and give you no explanation. Things will get alittle better everyday. Hang in there hon

[Dis]

So he does not trust other people and seems to repress emotions like a master. My guess is that he is avoidant attached as he does not seem to be in a depressive episode after being manic. With someone with bpd you might expect him to paint you like being some kind of a monster after idolizing, him being the victim. Instead he just goes on like nothing happened.

 

How is his self-esteem?

 

I am sorry you have to experience this. Be kind to yourself!

 

I'd just like to point out that this guys behavior is not compatable with bipolar disorder. (I have bipolar disorder and even with untreated bipolar a person usually does not flip their emotions on and off in that manner).

 

When you mentioned "bpd" I think you were referring to borderline personality disorder, correct me if I'm wrong. He seems to exhibit traits of a person with borderline personality disorder much more than a person with bipolar.