Love2015 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) I have been with husband 7 years..3 dating, 3 living together and 1 married. Shortly after marriage we drifted apart due to family involvement, work, wedding stress, and arguments. Our sex life deteriorated once we started living together….soon after marriage 5th month he cheats. I discovered it 2 months later. He denied it as I only found txts and chat logs and states it was only that. One of the emails from her I saw encouraged him to leave the house for taking perspective of the situation for everyone involved. Next day he messages after work saying he is not coming home and he needs space. He disappears for 3 days. I had a friend talk to him and we all talked together. In our talk, he started saying I treated him badly, disrespected his family, controlled him, manipulated him, and tortured him every day. He indicated that I check his emails and phones. Well, I happened to bump into his email as it was open the day I saw all. He claimed it was only that in front of his friend. We go back home together. He says he wants space and slept in the couch. I was devastated. I asked him to tell me the truth. He said he did cheat as a one-time thing as he was frustrated and angry at me and I pushed him away. Two days later he left the house. He would not pick my msgs or texts etc. Finally, he contacts me after 2 weeks or so and we meet. He then claims that I am abusive woman who was both verbally and physically abusive. I am torn because I do know certain things he says are true. He says I pushed him out of the bed and it was a fight we had where he ended up in the couch. Now, these fights were right before I discovered the cheating. Also he claims I compared him with people and many things which I don’t even recall to be true. Now 3 months later, he wants divorce…still lives with her…and still claim I am a verbally abusive woman for 7 years! He states that after marriage I would change. Now I am outspoken, speak my mind, and give my opinions freely. I don’t think I am abusive but then I cannot deny I did fight with him. My problem is I don’t keep grudges for small things which apparently he was doing so. I have been for Counselling and talked to them about all and they don’t think I am abusive. I have gone through a lot in a very short period of time. I wanted to even save the marriage but never got an opportunity. He is not remorseful of anything. Any thoughts out there are welcome… Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
Brady375 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 If it was me and we didn't have kids together it would be a no brainier and I would be done and divorced period. That's just me. I can not tolerate cheating nor do I go w the nonsense that it's the other partner contributed to the reason the other cheated. The fact of the matter is I don't know you and you could be miserable to be around BUT even if that's the case it's never an Excuse for him to cheat. The honorable thing for him to do would be to exit the marriage First or work on it. So despite your flaws and contributions in things getting Bad between you two he Crossed the line w cheating. I would be done, BUT you cannot use the Definitive opinions of Others (who say to divorce or stay) on a Forum to base Such a Big Personal Decision. You have to decide for yourself. Even therapists who would speak to you personally at Great Length do not Provide you w their Opinons on what you should ultimately do. What I will say that is true is this. You very well could of contributed greatly to this relationship going downhill. You played a part and no matter which direction you go I'd get into counseling to Work on yourself and figure out where you went wrong as a Partner so you don't run into the same issues in the future. Also to help you get Happy with Yourself so that your the most complete version of yourself possible so that you aren't trying to fill voids by being in a relationship. Then you'll be able have a balanced mind and find the best partner for yourself. I'd get into counseling atleast for yourself. You'll have to decide for yourself if you want to continue in this marriage and if so marriage counseling is a must. But that's if you can forgive him for cheating. If kids are involved maybe you'll be more willing to do that. Best of luck.
amaysngrace Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 You can't make him stay with you if he doesn't want to stay with you. I'd let him have a divorce. Since he thinks you're controlling sign the papers then you'll show him that you aren't. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 What an idiot! Cheaters will completely say ANYTHING nasty about you to justify their BS. I bet he has Mommy issues. I swear that's the number one thing I see. Mommy or Daddy issues. And he never worked past it and dragged it into the relationship. My husband had Mommy issues and right after we got married he started withdrawing because he felt "trapped." He didn't tell me this of course, he just went wonky when I got pregnant, three years later. Would've been nice to know in the early days! 2
bathtub-row Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Either he really sees you as abusive, or he's just saying that in order to justify his actions. I know you don't want to hear this but this is a very dysfunctional relationship and you would be wise to let it end. Any guy who disappears for days or weeks would be history in my book. You should never tolerate this type of behavior, nor should you waste anymore of your time continuing to discuss it with him. 6
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I wanted to even save the marriage but never got an opportunity. He is not remorseful of anything. Any thoughts out there are welcome… Why do you want to save the marriage? Read your entire post, you didn't have a single positive thing to say about him or the relationship. Based on what he's done, I'd guess he feels the same way about you. Are there kids involved? You don't present a lot of compelling reasons tp stay together ... Mr. Lucky 3
RySant Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 3 years of dating and 3 years of living together... I call all his accusations as BS. Blaming you so that he'll justify his actions. Get out of the marriage. He doesn't need to blame the marriage as he obviously just fallen out of love. You focus on starting to heal.I HATE this kind of people. 5
testmeasure Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) I agree with one thing, cheating crosses a line that puts the decision firmly in your hands. What ever you did, his correct choice was to work things out or exit. Not cheat. That he did puts the ball in your court. It would be up to you, with no right or wrong answer. The problem is I see 2 other things that take it right back out of your hands. The simplest is, a marriage takes 2 willing people. I don't see that here. If he's not willing to save the marriage, you can't. End of story. If 1 person is unwilling to save the marriage, that makes it impossible to save, which is easy to understand. I believe there is a secondary thing here that would make it wrong to try. This will be less obvious because people do all kinds of wrong things all the time. This is a real problem: He then claims that I am abusive woman who was both verbally and physically abusive. You simply can't live together with someone who is actively accusing you of being abusive. He is claiming you are a threat to him. As such, he automatically makes himself a threat to you. He's accusing you of being harmful to him in a way that has possible criminal consequences to you. Read the previous sentence as many times as you need to. You can't just cook dinner together and sit down to eat under those conditions. Well, the problem is, actually you can, and people do. But it's wrong. He's accusing you of being a threat to him and in the process he's making himself a threat to you. That makes being in his very presence dangerous and a bad idea. That makes it wrong. It's not impossible to do wrong things. People rob banks all the time. It's just dangerous and a bad idea. . Edited February 1, 2016 by testmeasure 1
higgsboson Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 He is not remorseful of anything. How is possible to save this marriage if he isn't sorry for what he did? That means he really feels his affair was justified and he'll have no problem doing it again. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I did not hear anything positive in your post.....and it sounds to me like he has truly checked out of the relationship. You don't really sound like you have a relationship to save....and quite honestly you are both blame shifting instead of really trying to work on anything. If it doesn't end now...chances are it will it later.... I am sorry he cheated. Learn from this relationship...and apply the lessons to the next one. Good luck!!! 2
BuddyX Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 3 years of dating and 3 years of living together... I call all his accusations as BS. Blaming you so that he'll justify his actions. Get out of the marriage. He doesn't need to blame the marriage as he obviously just fallen out of love. You focus on starting to heal.I HATE this kind of people. Agree ^^ What your husband is telling you, "Your actions drove me to take off my pants and screw someone. I do not have control over my desires" He'll keep doing this. He's only a husband when it's convinient to him. Run Run Run 4
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 He cheated. He's not remorseful and he's trying to blame you for the choice he made to break your new marital vows. I'd get a divorce & annulment.
Author Love2015 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Thank you everyone for your feedback. I want to say that this is a very traumatic experience for me as prior to discovering his cheating, we had a beautiful relationship. There was no hints of any major issues..all was told to me after I found out. I thought I had found the right one for me. I knew something was happening for 2 months but I didn't realize it was this! Pretty much I thought it was stress from work! Thanks..I have been in NC and I hear from common friends he claims to have loved me and care for me but it is over...I just have to accept that I am in love with something in the past which definitely is not what it is. 1
Author Love2015 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Thanks for all your replies. A lot of things that he says affect me a lot. I become worried I may have done anything to damage him. But a lot of it I also know it is not true, or out of context....a lot of things seem to be petty fights from years ago...I don't even remember them as I never kept scores... I thought I had a good relationship till the discovery which is when he started saying all these things about me! I knew for 2 months something was not right but I could not pin point what it was and thought it was his job.
Author Love2015 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Thanks for your reply. I have told him if he wishes to end it ... it's ok. My first reaction was to save the marriage and he pulls an online article saying that if I want to save the marriage it is because I want to continue abusing him
amaysngrace Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I think he knows how to push your buttons. Rather than admitting fault for when he cheats or ignores you for days, or weeks even, he tells you what is wrong with you so that is all you focus on. It sounds terrible to be married to somebody like that.
bathtub-row Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I know from experience that a person can spend an extraordinary amount of time thinking about the way a relationship once was. The truth is, relationships can do a 180 and there's nothing you can do about it. I understand that it's traumatic. This kind of thing is very hard to get past. I'm really sorry you're going through it. 2
turnera Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) Now I am outspoken, speak my mind, and give my opinions freely. I don’t think I am abusive but then I cannot deny I did fight with him. My problem is I don’t keep grudges for small things which apparently he was doing so. I have been for Counselling and talked to them about all and they don’t think I am abusive. Was your husband there with you and the counselor to explain HIS side, before your counselor declared you abuse-free? If not, then I don't think the counselor can make such a claim. We put on the best spin possible for ourselves and paint the worst picture of everyone else; it's just human nature. And just so you know, it's VERY common for abusers to say 'I don't keep grudges.' Of course they don't. They spread the bad feelings onto the other person so that they feel great! Of course the other person is left feeling devastated, holds onto what happened for a long time because, well, THEY were the ones being picked on. Now, if he was cheating and THEN decided you were abusive, I'd be less inclined to believe him, as cheaters almost always rewrite the history of their marriage so that they 'had no choice' but to seek out someone else. But for you to say you had a 'beautiful relationship' while in the same breath saying you're outspoken, speak your mind freely, and you fight' leads me to believe that you simply have not been AWARE - or maybe even CARED to be aware - of what it was like for HIM to be in this marriage. If you're still talking, print out this questionnaire and ask him to fill it out. Read it and see if it rings true. Give it to your counselor and see what he/she thinks. Then let us know. No matter what, if you're still trying to save the marriage, you need to let his family and best friends know that he's cheating on you. See if they come down on him. It might change things. Edited February 1, 2016 by turnera 2
Paradigm Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 There is a serious lack of communication. It seems like he spent a lot of time resenting you. He might've grown scared to speak his mind if you guys fought a lot? Or maybe he is too proud, and wanted you to figure it all out on your own. Point is, it was his fault for not talking to you about it. He can't justify cheating because you're you. He should've left long ago if he didn't like it... Or at least try to work it out. I've noticed that it's usually the abusers that act like victims. Just like people perceive things because of who they are, and dont see the way that things really are.
Author Love2015 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Hello turnera, Thanks for your input. I do go back and forth with this abuse. I wanted to do Couples Counselling and he doesn't want to. I also asked him if he could at least join one of my sessions so the Counsellor can see his perspective but he also has not wanted. He says any attempt of me trying to save the marriage is abuse in itself. I am going to the therapist on my own and try to work on improving myself. I am outspoken but not to the point of not considering people's feelings. I said this because he wanted me to change after marriage and become more submissive and doing things according to what he wants and his family wants but never once mentioned what those expectations were! And I got to know about this yes after he was discovered cheating. Pretty much I wanted things in the marriage and I was asking for these...for example going for a honeymoon but it didn't happen and he would get angry I would ask for this. Or he went to a strip club after marriage with his father and I got upset and angry at this....these are the situations I am referring to about being outspoken...I do have a mother who was abusive towards me so I feel very bad if any of these traits are in me! 1
Just a Guy Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Hi Love2015, you were together with your husband for six years before marriage. In all that time was there no hint of the kind of problems that reared their head just a few months after marriage? I find it difficult to understand how things could have gone from good to bad so fast after the marriage.. Are you sure there were no signs of trouble in the relationship while the two of you were together for six years? Maybe you are overlooking the cracks which may have started appearing just so you could continue living in seventh heaven oblivious of the problems in your relationship. Anyway, the way things are, it seems your marriage is over. It is better to recognize the reality of the situation and move on, hopefully wiser and more careful in future. Also, if you think you have some personal issues that need working on then do that now before you move into a new relationship. Best wishes. 2
bathtub-row Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 He's either abusive or, at the very least, extremely controlling. You don't want to be with this person. Abusers often cheat in order to control and lash out at their partner. And they love to turn the tables (accuse you of what they are actually guilty of), and they love to re-write history (changing the facts when you know they're incorrect). All of these tactics are designed to cause you to question yourself. Don't be surprised if he tries to come back in a few weeks or months. That will be his way of teaching you a lesson. Just walk away from this and never look back. Abusers never change. You can do way better than this. Btw, I would've been upset about the things you were upset about. Also, abusers don't get concerned about being abusive. They might for about two seconds to pretend they're concerned, but they don't reflect and agonize over it the way you are. I think he's the one who's abusive and you just haven't realized it yet. 1
Satu Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 It sounds like the marriage is over, with no possibility of salvaging anything. I would the divorce done as soon as possible, so that you can move on. Take care. 1
turnera Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Hello turnera, Thanks for your input. I do go back and forth with this abuse. I wanted to do Couples Counselling and he doesn't want to. I also asked him if he could at least join one of my sessions so the Counsellor can see his perspective but he also has not wanted. He says any attempt of me trying to save the marriage is abuse in itself. I am going to the therapist on my own and try to work on improving myself. I am outspoken but not to the point of not considering people's feelings. I said this because he wanted me to change after marriage and become more submissive and doing things according to what he wants and his family wants but never once mentioned what those expectations were! And I got to know about this yes after he was discovered cheating. Pretty much I wanted things in the marriage and I was asking for these...for example going for a honeymoon but it didn't happen and he would get angry I would ask for this. Or he went to a strip club after marriage with his father and I got upset and angry at this....these are the situations I am referring to about being outspoken...I do have a mother who was abusive towards me so I feel very bad if any of these traits are in me! That explains a lot. Just walk away. You two aren't compatible and he more than likely assumes he's 'allowed' to screw whomever he wants just because he's a man. And it sounds like he learned that from his family, so you two are never going to work out. 3
turnera Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 He's either abusive or, at the very least, extremely controlling. You don't want to be with this person. Abusers often cheat in order to control and lash out at their partner. And they love to turn the tables (accuse you of what they are actually guilty of), and they love to re-write history (changing the facts when you know they're incorrect). All of these tactics are designed to cause you to question yourself. Don't be surprised if he tries to come back in a few weeks or months. That will be his way of teaching you a lesson. Just walk away from this and never look back. Abusers never change. You can do way better than this. My DD25 dated a controlling guy for a while, and he kicked her out, accusing her of all kinds of things. So she came home, we commiserated (I was secretly saying thanks to God), and about two months later, he came back and said he wanted to 'give her a chance to make it up to him.' She laughed so hard you probably heard it in another state. She raised her standards for how she's willing to be treated and, today, she's dating an amazing guy. 4
Recommended Posts