DJOkawari Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 (edited) Hey Everyone. The final time my ex and I broke up was about a year ago (she broke up with me). I went NC 11 months ago, broke it by responding when she messaged me 5 months ago, then I resumed NC. The person I am now is quite different, it was a tortured year but also a very beneficial year. I'm calmer, a lot more confident, and I have a lot of new perspectives on life. The best way I can describe it is that I finally grew up. I'm no longer depressed and I am no longer socially anxious. Life is good to me. I am able to find work and succeed at a number of different things. My social life has exploded. I have a few fwb right now and it has been fun but I realized the other day, I'm not over my ex. It doesn't effect my daily life, in fact I could ignore this sensation. Originally I made my peace with the idea that I needed to work on myself and forget about her. I threw myself into my modelling and engineering work. I was always reasonably attractive but now I'm at the point where when I walk down the street, girls check me out and I can hear people talking about me. My ex on the other hand has gotten worse looking. I'm still attracted to her but she was absolutely stunning while we dated initially. For a while this was a pillar of my method of getting over her (especially as she got a new bf). I checked her Facebook a few months ago and I rationalized "oh I could do much better, forget about her". That's how I tried to heal. But i recently realized that this was bs. Fact is, i dont care about her appearance, she was everything I was looking for in a woman and more. The final time we broke up, I was at my weakest and most depressed. We had gone back and forth a few times and I was so needy and insecure at that point - I think she lost attraction to me then. The problems we had when we broke up are solved. We were both depressed, her because she has bpd (undiagnosed at the time, now she has meds) me because I was just generally depressed and self-numbing with weed (I've been to therapy, I don't do that anymore). There was also some maturing that had to be done on both of our ends - and at least for me I really feel it has happened. Ive realized that this fwb with benefits thing I'm doing is just another distraction as well: I really want to contact my ex but I guess I've listened to the advice here and I'm basically conditioned not to. She lives in nyc now and I live in dc but I'll be moving to nyc to get more gigs in a few months. I feel like asking her to coffee at some point. I checked her social media today, I can't tell if she still has a bf or not (no v-day posts, hasn't mentioned him in months). Thank you for reading everything so far. What do you think? Edited March 1, 2016 by DJOkawari
Dis Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 No because of this. Agreed. Let her go. I know its hard but its for the best 2
theredpill Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Absolutely not, you can do better!!! We often procrastinate, instead of doing what's needs to be done and that's for you to meet other people, she's only an option because you think it's easier. If you're good looking and not an idiot, create a profile on the better known dating sites (pay sites tend to have more serious folks) and you'll be shiny. 2
Satu Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Forget about relationship necromancy. Build a living relationship with someone in the present. 2
BC1980 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 So you've been NC, but you've been checking her social media and know that she has fixed the problems on her end? Yoy aren't NC. You're probably looking at her social media and filling in the blanks. Social media can cause all types of problems. 1
kztar Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 No you should not reach out. NC NC NC forever. It's hard to let go but start by not contacting this girl. I say BLOCK AND AVOID 1
Randomlyrandomme Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Okay. I guess I'll go solo. Your confidence is up You're confident around and able to form relationship You've both checked your mental health issues You're attraction to her is obviously not just physical. If you're both in healthy places, and you both feel the same way, go for it. Unless I'm missing something, you guys probably have a better shot this time. I say give it a go. 1
mightycpa Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 If you haven't gotten over her, you haven't changed as much as you think you have. You'll still feel like #2 in that relationship, and that's obviously no good. How are you going to put up with the women having those NYC accents when you're coming from DC, where you can barely hear the genteel lilt of a very light southern accent every day? I can just hear them now, moaning from sex in that nasally Brooklyn accent. It's going to sound like sheep bleating. Dios mio! 1
Author DJOkawari Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) Hey Everyone, I know I'm late but thank you so much for the responses. I was travelling for this past month and I ended up in brooklyn where my ex is and I wanted to contact her but I didn't - thanks to you guys To clarify for everyone who posted: I said I wasn't over her and it's true. But I could have said the same thing 1 year ago and it would've meant something completely different. I say I'm not over her now because I'm still posting in this thread. A year ago, I wouldve been pacing around my room unable to concentrate about anything else. Again, just to clarify: I don't feel like I'm inferior to her in any way, or I'm #2 in the relationship, I'm not trying to recreate the past (I miss her, not the relationship), I've dealt with my issues. For a number of reasons, I believe we'd do better this time around. I wanted to contact her because it really feels like this is as healed as I'll get. I meet girls who are interested in me, but I'm only able to have something casual with them. Most of them find someone else and we stay friends. Actually I'm friends with some of their boyfriends now, haha. Everyone who sees that thinks I'm so chill and maybe I am but the real issue is I want it to work out with my ex or I'm fine with being alone. It doesn't seem possible for these new girls to hurt me, or relatedly, make me care. Being alone is okay. I don't think any further time or NC or therapy is going to change how I feel about my ex. This is just how I've been for a little while now and no one in my life notices. They just see a guy who is doing well. Aside from my romantic life, everything is great. Also, thanks Randomlyrandomme, I was thinking the same as you but in the end I was in her neighborhood and I rationalized that I'd feel bad if I skipped out on a friend who was always there for me, for my ex who broke up with me...so I didn't contact her. Thoughts? I'm kind of stuck in a rut here. Also, haha mightycpa, fortunately 70% of Brooklyn appears to have moved there last week or so. Not an accent to be found Edited April 1, 2016 by DJOkawari 1
kztar Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Man I can't blame you. Keep NC and call it a day. It will pass. Some of us take longer than others to heal. I know in my previous relationship it took me three years to REALLY move on. I thought I was really over my ex until he showed up with this girl to a friend's BBQ and I immediately had to leave. Ofcourse it didnt feel like day 1. I didn't cry, I was just upset for a day or two. This is when I realized yes im not fully over him. My last relationship was MUCH shorter just 1.4 years but much better in a way and intense and I really hope it doesn't take me too long to move on. Def not as much as before. I really HOPEEEEE this is not the case. 1
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